Did you hear about the guy that worked for Hostess bakery and tried unsuccessfully to get a job at Tropicana?

Everyone knows that bakers can't be juicers.

Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful.

Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour

I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day

I gotta say, I'm not a fan

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

What do you call an unsuccessful migrant trying to illegally cross the U.S. southern border?

A Mexi*cant*

It was reported that Donald Trump tried, unsuccessfully, to hang himself yesterday.

Fake noose.

How did the unsuccessful painter die?

Art failure.

A man tried to commit suicide and was unsuccessful

He couldn't get his life on track

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(NSFW) Last night I tried to hit the ceiling with my jizz, but just like every night, I was unsuccessful.

It was one of my many shortcomings

My friend returned home all disappointed after his unsuccessful job interview.

I asked him, “You seem well qualified. Why didn’t you get the postman’s job?”


“I don’t know. I wonder if it has something to do with me writing ‘stamp collections’ as my hobby.”

After 30 years of unsuccessfully searching for a hat that actually looks good on me..

I realized I’m just ugly.

I was really unsuccessful and unpopular until I stood on a globe covered in super glue.

Now I have the world at my feet.

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

Why was the manipulative ghost so unsuccessful?

People could see right through him.

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

Why was the London sperm bank so unsuccessful?

The were only two donors. One came on the bus, the other missed the tube.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...

A man decides to raise chickens.

So he drives to the next farm and buys 50 chicks there.

After a month the man goes to the farmer again and buys another 50 chicks.

When the man shows up at the farmer again in the third month, the farmer asks him whether the chicken rearing is successful or not.

The man just shr...

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A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter and had gone all out

a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Operation Tory

A Tory MP woke up in hospital after a serious operation and found that the curtains around him were drawn. He called for a nurse and asked "why are the curtains closed, Is it night"?
The nurse replied "No it's just that there's a fire across the street and we didn't want you to think the operat...

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

A mushroom forager sank to new lows for his hunt.

He stole a car for transportation and trespassed on private property to hunt on. Nevertheless his hunt was unsuccessful. He had no morels.

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A radio station

ran a contest for listeners to pick English words that are no longer in use but should be brought back. A caller called...


Hi, my name is Dave


Hi Dave. What's your word?


Goan, spelt G O A N


Ok it's not in the dictionary. How do we use this?


Goan...

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

My friend Chance told me this one.

A young couple was dealing with unsuccessful pregnancies. Wanting to have a baby, they went to a sperm bank. The woman at the reception desk handed the man a bottle and said "Come back tomorrow with the bottle filled, and we'll see if you're infertile or not."

The next day, the couple came ba...

Quarantine has lasted so long I forgot which key locks my front door.

As I was leaving the house, I tried to lock the door but used the wrong key. As I fiddled through my keys, trying them unsuccessfully in the lock, my girlfriend chimed in, "Can't find the hole again?"

"No," I replied, trying another key, "It's been so long I can't remember which-. Wait, what ...

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My girlfriend and I wanted to spice up our sex life

The chili peppers were unsuccessful

What’s the difference between a good fencer and the average r/jokes subscriber?

A good fencer ripostes after a successful parry, while the average subscriber of this subreddit reposts an unsuccessful joke.

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Wedding night (slightly offensive to kangaroos)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides make a profile on a dating site.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entir...

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly

They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the...

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, t...

Sitting in a refrigerator

This guy comes home from work early and runs up several flights of stairs to surprise his wife. As soon as he gets inside he smells cigar smoke and immediately gets the notion that his wife was fooling around with another man. Convinced he is still in the appartment, he checks every possible hiding ...

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A wife gets drunk one night and thinking it would be a bit of fun, buys a voodoo doll of her husband.

She staggers home, drops the doll on the floor and falls in to bed. The next morning she wakes up, oblivious to what she had done the previous night.

Over the course of the next few days the husband experiences some very weird occurrences. He randomly develops cuts and bruises all over his b...

There's a flower shop in my town...

...that always had great business until one day, a group of local monks opened a flower shop right across the street. Of course, everybody wanted to buy flowers from the brothers. The original flower shop began losing a dangerous amount of business. The owner of the shop began visiting the friars ev...

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A young boy uses the bathroom in school and wipes his ass with his hand when there's no toilet paper...

... Since he had nothing to wipe with, he comes back to the classroom with his hands cupped, hiding the shit.

The teacher notices and asks him, "what do you have in your hand?"

"Oh don't worry," the little boy says. "It's a little leprechaun."

"Now don't lie to me, show me wha...

The bus driver shouts to the conductor

Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey

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A Joke My Stepdad Told Me

This may be an old joke that some of you can predict, but I thought it was funny to share:


So there was this fly flying around above this river, with a fish in the river nearby.

The fish thought to himself that he could get that fly and have a nice snack if it would just drop 6 i...

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Honeydicked

A married couple decide to go to a nude beach for their honeymoon.

As they are laying out enjoying the sun a bee flies right up between the wife’s legs. The husband rushes her to the hospital.

He explains to the doctor that his wife is allergic to bees and begs him to help.

S...

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[Oldie but an goldie] A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet...

While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the s...

After binge watching CNN, fox, and msnbc - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully was unsuccessful. The rope broke.

He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse...

The man who stutters tremendously finds a horse on the street in Brooklyn. He decides call the police.
Man: I've f-f-found a w-w-wandering h-h-horse.
Policeman: Okay. We will come. Where are you now?
Man: In Br-r ... (stutters tremendously)
Policeman: Bronx?
Man: Br-r ... Damn (hangs ...

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Jim the Plumber announces that he is running for office. Now he is appearing on a news show to discuss his candidacy.

HOST: “So Jim, what got you into politics?”

JIM: “Well, ya know, recently plumbin’ don’t pay very well, and I just wanted to try something’ new, I guess.”

HOST: “So you have NO political experience whatsoever?”

JIM: “Nope. My field is in plumbin’, sir.”

HOST: “Don’t you t...

It's a cold night in Moscow, and Natasha and Sergey are getting busy in the back of Sergey's brand new Yugo.

The heat is on in more ways than one, and Natasha can tell that Sergey is getting close. She tries to stop him and ask, "Do you have protection?", but it's too late.

Two months later, Natasha is late, so she takes a pregnancy test. Sure enough, she's pregnant. In tears, she tells her parents....

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Fisherman's secret

A man is fishing at his favorite fishing spot very early in the morning. After several hours without catching anything he notices a small small Chinese man walking towards the waterfront.

"Don't bother" the fisherman says, They're not biting at all today." The Chinese man simply smiles and co...

Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the ...

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The trick to impotency

A couple are trying to have a baby but have been so unsuccessful that the husband can't even get it up anymore from so much trying.

He's talking to his mates at the bar one night about it and no matter what his pals suggest they try he says they've already done it and it just doesnt excite hi...

Blonde got tired of hearing "dumb blonde" jokes.

A blonde woman decided that she was sick and tired of white men assuming she was stupid and easy because of her hair. She decided to buy a Muslim head covering and convert instead. After some diligent Googling, she set out to the mall to buy a Niqaab.
The next day she decided to sport it at the l...

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A man is suffering from restless leg syndrome

After countless unsuccessful medical treatments he becomes discouraged thinking he will never be able to enjoy a good night's sleep due to the overwhelming tingling sensations he experiences through his legs at night.

Having exhausted every other option, he decides to try his luck with a wit...

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A man and a woman are at a fertility clinic...

They had been trying to conceive unsuccessfully for several months. As the results were coming in the husband was consoling his crying wife and told her, "If this turns out to be a problem with you I promise me you wont be mad at yourself, because I wont."
The wife says " I promise, and if this t...

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Man with a stutter

A man with a stuttering problem decides to go to a physician after years of unsuccessfully trying to fix his problem through speech therapy.
The doctor has him go into the examination room and disrobe, and the doctor begins his exam. After a few minutes, he tells the man he has an idea of what co...

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A young man gets lost in the desert...

... with little more than his clothes and camel. After several days of incessant walking he realizes that he will never make it out of there and that it is better to enjoy his last days alive. As a last wish he would like to have sex one last time, and as there isn't any other option it has to be wi...

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