This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny learns a lesson about karma...

Little Johnny finds out the neighbors dog had puppies so he goes over to play with them. Being a little boy he starts getting too rough.

The neighbor says, "be nice Johnny or karma will get you."

Johnny plays nice for a bit but starts getting rough again.

The neighbor says, "be ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were forced to attend a sex ed lesson on how to hold orgasms

Nobody came

Me wife is so evil, she has lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know what she charges him.

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?


Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.


Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats...

Those of you who are here for /r/Jokes weekly yodeling lesson...

...please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school my favourite lesson was PE, probably because I had the biggest dick, I used to stroll around naked flicking the kids with my towel laughing at their little Knobs.

Looking back I think that's probably why I had to leave teaching.

What was the biggest lesson learnt from the Titanic tragedy ?

Make icebergs smaller.

I got kicked out of biology class today for eating during the lesson...

Apparently it's called an "Eye disection" not "Eye digestion"

During a math lesson, the teacher asks, “If 5 birds are sitting on a fence and a rancher shoots one of them, how many are left on the fence?”

Johnny raises his hand and replies, “None. The other birds will fly away.”

The teacher laughs and exclaims, “While I appreciate the way you think, Johnny, the answer is 4.”

Johnny then asks, “Ok then. If three women are all eating an ice cream cone. One is biting the cone, the other ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.(edited)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

My daughter wants a new iPhone so to teach her a lesson...

I told her that she can have one if she washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, takes out the trash, does the laundry, mows the lawn, walks the dog, dusts the shelves and helps me cook every day.

The lesson?

iPhones come form child labour.

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

A young lady had been taking golf lessons...

...She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the Clubhouse for help.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a...

At a religious education lesson, the teacher asks Johnny "What is red, has a tail and lives in a forest?"

Johnny replies "I'd say that it's a fox, but knowing those lessons, I think the answer is Jesus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lesson: The Asshole is usually the one in-charge

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ov...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”



“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.



“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”



“All right,” Tammy says. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

Periodic table lesson

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?


"He-He!"



(It's ok I know where the door is, bye)

I was taking a driving lesson

I asked my instructor if, upon seeing a small animal jumping out in front of me, I should slam the brake. He told me that if an animal jumps out, I have to just hit it...

I chased that squirrel through four fields and a barn before I got him.

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

I dropped the class on writing jokes after the lesson on setups

The professor was so old

Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson

Never spend diamonds on a hoe

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

A valuable lesson

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married my parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My ...

A LESSON IN MORALS

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sund...

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best th...

Love your neighbor as you love yourself is an important lesson.

It's how I learned to give a hand-job!

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

What did the suicide bombers' teacher told their students in the practical lesson?

Pay attention, because I'll teach you guys ONLY ONCE!

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flying lessons

A guy is telling his buddy about his flying lessons and the guy teaching him says he is Eigth degree black belt and a raging homosexual and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I have to jump out of the plane. Buddy "Well did you jump?" "Yea a little at first"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

My wife ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The golf lesson

A woman is getting a golf lesson from a pro. Despite every way he tries to explain it to her, she just can’t get her grip right, and slices the ball again and again. Finally, the exasperated pro say “Look - just pretend the golf club is your husband’s penis”. The woman steps up to the tee and hits a...

I finished my English lessons yesterday.

My mom asked me how it had gone on a scale from one to ten.



It was Past Perfect Tense.

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"

"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"

"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

50 dollar lesson

I recently asked my friend’s daughter what she wanted to be when she grows

up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents,

liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were

President what would be the first thing you would do?”

Sh...

Did you hear about the fencing teacher’s new, though unoriginal lesson?

The riposte, he called it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher was giving a lesson on manners while at a date.

She asked Willy, "What would you say if you need to use the restroom?" Willy responded, "I need to go pee". The teacher said, "Nice try, but it's not polite to talk about bodily functions at the table".

She then asked Billy, "What would you say, Billy?" Billy said, "I need to use the restroom...

A father decides to get his son karate lessons

They look around the dojo during practice hours and observe other students, with belts of various bright colours, sparing with eachother but notice a boy with only legs far away from other students training with a dummy on his own.

The father walks up to the karate teacher and asks him "How ...

And here’s another lesson in good manners.

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That’s your problem right...

Why did the redditor sign up for fencing lessons?

He heard there were tips on riposting.

Naval History Lesson

Long ago, when ships sailed the oceans, a captain would fill a box with maps and navigation charts, and other tools necessary for warfare on the high seas. In preparation for battle, he would call to his first mate to bring him his "War Chest".

Once, a merchant ship was captured by surprise ...

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

What do you call a lesson in farting?

A tootorial.

Teacher: "What's the most important thing to learn in a chemistry lesson?"

Student:

**"Don't lick the spoon."**

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

A teacher is giving a lesson when suddenly she hears someone scream outside the classroom.

She rushes out the door to find one of her students on the ground crying.

Teacher: Oh my God, what happened?!

Student: Someone just pulled a gun on me and tried to rob me!

Teacher: Oh my God, are you okay?

Student: Yes. All they took was my homework.

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...

He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.

He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, Little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Then the teacher picked little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully

Then it was little Johnny's turn, "Last night, at the dinner t...

Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;

the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher ...

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the...

Lesson 2 of 6: The Boss

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedbo...

A blonde woman goes up for helicopter lessons.

She arrives at the air field raring to go.
She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer.
She does well so the trainer decides to let her take it up on her own.
The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outsi...

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 f...

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.

"Lunge!"

"Parry!"

"Reposte"

I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post in r/jokes and I don't wanna get flamed."

(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a moron.

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stop...

Lesson 1 of 6: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that t...

My son asked me to give him a life lesson.

I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that mountain, for days and days... what happens when you reach the top?"

He said, "You see amazing things?"

I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at th...

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

A high school English teacher is doing a lesson on how words modify to make new meanings.

The teacher explained: “The word “slap” can be used as an action, a game, and a joke. You see, “slap to the face” is an action, “slap jack” is a card game, and a “knee slapper” is a joke.
But as you see, words need adjacent words to take on a new meaning. There is no word that can be an acti...

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you j...

A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.

Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'

Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'

Johnny yells out 'your feet!'

The teacher asks why the feet.

Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and...

Manner lesson

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying...

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a science lesson yesterday in class and the question was something along the lines of "what part of your body would you get rid off?"

Some guy responded, "My spine, It holds me back."

I fuckin' died, especially when my classmates were having pirate reactions. Holy shit.

Lesson in Marriage

A son goes to tell his father that he is going to marry his girlfriend.

Son: "Hey dad, I decided I'm going to marrying Jessica"

Dad: "Oh wow that's great son, but first you have to say you're sorry"

The son is confused by this

Son: "Wait why do you need me to say that da...

A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.

Apparently, employees aren’t supposed to have free thyme.

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.


At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."


At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, j...

What did the blonde say after the lesson on electricity?

Watt?

When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.

He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.

Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

My classroom teacher made me stand up in front of the class for being a nuisance during the lesson.

She held her pointer stick towards me and said,

"At the end of this stick, there is an idiot!"

I got detention after asking which end.

Grammar lesson

Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, "I think I'll go for a run." The second replies, "Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says

"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"

"First is you should be fearless...

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her tea...

Grammar Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 mi...

There once was a man who drove a train for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he w...

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
<...

College taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm still paying for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

History lesson

A teacher was attempting to teach American history to her elementary students. She said I will give you a famous quotation from history and I want all who know who said it and when to raise their hand. She said "Give me liberty or give me death." The only one that raised a hand was a Japanese boy. S...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.