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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

​

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

​

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

&#x200...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

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&...

I was taking a driving lesson

I asked my instructor if, upon seeing a small animal jumping out in front of me, I should slam the brake. He told me that if an animal jumps out, I have to just hit it...

I chased that squirrel through four fields and a barn before I got him.

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Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

A LESSON IN MORALS

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sund...

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So my female hot boss came to me..

She said: All you do is work. Dont you like having fun? I replied "Thats why you pay me". She stared at me disappointed. Then she replied: "i have something else in mind. Why dont you come over my house later for dinner? I was shocked. After all im a married man and my wife is a really jealous woman...

So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.

In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he repli...

I offered free exercise lessons for the homeless

now I’ve got 200 squatters!

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Flying lessons

A guy is telling his buddy about his flying lessons and the guy teaching him says he is Eigth degree black belt and a raging homosexual and if I don't succumb to his sexual advances I have to jump out of the plane. Buddy "Well did you jump?" "Yea a little at first"

My wife has weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil...

I can vouch that what ever she charges him is well worth it!

Minecraft taught us all a valuable lesson

Never spend diamonds on a hoe

If you're here for the yodelling lesson,

please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

Pope gets a lesson

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to ...

Periodic table lesson

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?


"He-He!"

​

(It's ok I know where the door is, bye)

My violin tutor told me my fingering was good but my positions could be better.

And then we started the lesson.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself is an important lesson.

It's how I learned to give a hand-job!

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best th...

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

And here’s another lesson in good manners.

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.

During a history lesson at a German school, Little Hans asks his teacher a question.

"Teacher, is it true that Russia has the longest street in the world?"

"I'm not sure" he replies, "why do you ask?"

"Well," Little Hans replies, "my grandpa told me he crawled one street in Stalingrad for four months, and he never reached the end of it."

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The golf lesson

A woman is getting a golf lesson from a pro. Despite every way he tries to explain it to her, she just can’t get her grip right, and slices the ball again and again. Finally, the exasperated pro say “Look - just pretend the golf club is your husband’s penis”. The woman steps up to the tee and hits a...

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I was late to my french lesson because I was doing an IQ test.

Turns out, je suis en retard.

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A lesson in government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while ...

What did the suicide bombers' teacher told their students in the practical lesson?

Pay attention, because I'll teach you guys ONLY ONCE!

A valuable lesson

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married my parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My ...

I finished my English lessons yesterday.

My mom asked me how it had gone on a scale from one to ten.

​

It was Past Perfect Tense.

I was at university for a lesson today, and my psychology lecturer asked us what makes a terrorist tick.

Apparently, "a bomb" was not the right answer.

Did you hear about the fencing teacher’s new, though unoriginal lesson?

The riposte, he called it.

50 dollar lesson

I recently asked my friend’s daughter what she wanted to be when she grows

up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents,

liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were

President what would be the first thing you would do?”

Sh...

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My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

My wife ...

A father decides to get his son karate lessons

They look around the dojo during practice hours and observe other students, with belts of various bright colours, sparing with eachother but notice a boy with only legs far away from other students training with a dummy on his own.

The father walks up to the karate teacher and asks him "How ...

Naval History Lesson

Long ago, when ships sailed the oceans, a captain would fill a box with maps and navigation charts, and other tools necessary for warfare on the high seas. In preparation for battle, he would call to his first mate to bring him his "War Chest".

Once, a merchant ship was captured by surprise ...

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Why isnt there driving lessons and sex ed on the same day in the Middle East?

The goat needed a break.

Why did the redditor sign up for fencing lessons?

He heard there were tips on riposting.

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Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

The head instructor at the Al-Qaeda's training camp starts his lesson on suicide bombing...

"Now listen up closely everyone, I'm only gonna be showing this once".

Teacher: "What's the most important thing to learn in a chemistry lesson?"

Student:

**"Don't lick the spoon."**

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A teacher was giving a lesson on manners while at a date.

She asked Willy, "What would you say if you need to use the restroom?" Willy responded, "I need to go pee". The teacher said, "Nice try, but it's not polite to talk about bodily functions at the table".

She then asked Billy, "What would you say, Billy?" Billy said, "I need to use the restroom...

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor....

....so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dr...

What do you call a lesson in farting?

A tootorial.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Taking a lesson because her golf game had been going so badly, a woman had just started her first round when she was stung by a bee.

Distraught and rather angry and disheartened, she went back into the clubhouse and told the golf pro about the incident.

"Where did it sting you?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

The pro shook his head and quickly exclaimed: "That’s your problem right...

A teacher is giving a lesson when suddenly she hears someone scream outside the classroom.

She rushes out the door to find one of her students on the ground crying.

Teacher: Oh my God, what happened?!

Student: Someone just pulled a gun on me and tried to rob me!

Teacher: Oh my God, are you okay?

Student: Yes. All they took was my homework.

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.

A man had a pessimist and an optimist for kids. One Christmas, he decided to teach them a lesson...

He gave his pessimist a room full of all the toys he’d asked for that year. And for the optimist, he dumped a huge pile of horse manure in the back yard. A short while later, he went in to check on them.

He found he pessimist sitting in the middle of his room full of untouched toys, crying. H...

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

Putin been giving Trump lessons on how to play chess

But the only thing Donald could remember was that it's important to block The Queen.

TIFU when my mom caught me drinking her Vodka...she made me drink the entire bottle to teach me a lesson

about brand loyalty

A blonde woman goes up for helicopter lessons.

She arrives at the air field raring to go.
She does her ground school and heads up in the helicopter with the trainer.
She does well so the trainer decides to let her take it up on her own.
The instructor heads back to the tower and instructs her to take off and head to an area just outsi...

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Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;

the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher ...

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

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Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

A high school English teacher is doing a lesson on how words modify to make new meanings.

The teacher explained: “The word “slap” can be used as an action, a game, and a joke. You see, “slap to the face” is an action, “slap jack” is a card game, and a “knee slapper” is a joke.
But as you see, words need adjacent words to take on a new meaning. There is no word that can be an acti...

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During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked the class for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, Little Suzie responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Then the teacher picked little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully

Then it was little Johnny's turn, "Last night, at the dinner t...

Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he le...

When you learn more, it's called a lesson

When you learn less, you're called a moron.

Lesson 4 of 6: The Crow and the Rabbit

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “sure, why not!” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.


A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


**Moral of the...

Lesson 2 of 6: The Boss

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedbo...

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

My son asked me to give him a life lesson.

I said, "Son, you see that mountain over there?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "If you work really hard and you climb that mountain, for days and days... what happens when you reach the top?"

He said, "You see amazing things?"

I said, "No, you realise you left your camera at th...

Harry Potter, for a magical creatures lesson had the assignment of looking after a magical gecko.

He took great care of it , and was graded “A” for nurturing the pet so well. However shortly after receiving the grade for his assignment , the gecko escaped and went missing.

Harry was understandably upset about this, and a couple weeks of searching went by to no avail.

Then one day ...

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 f...

A kid asks the Sunday school teacher which part of the body goes to Heaven first. The teacher decides to make it a lesson and asks the kids what they think.

Sarah says 'it's your brain, because that's what controls everything'

Tina says 'it's your heart, because that's where Jesus lives'

Johnny yells out 'your feet!'

The teacher asks why the feet.

Johnny replies 'because I looked in Mrs Brown's bedroom window this morning and...

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I had a science lesson yesterday in class and the question was something along the lines of "what part of your body would you get rid off?"

Some guy responded, "My spine, It holds me back."

I fuckin' died, especially when my classmates were having pirate reactions. Holy shit.

Lesson 1 of 6: Naked Wife

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that t...

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A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! ...

An English teacher is giving a lesson on double negatives

He says to the class: "One of the curious conventions of the English language is that two negatives always result in a positive statement; however, never do two positives result in a negative one."

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah right".

I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.

"Lunge!"

"Parry!"

"Reposte"

I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post in r/jokes and I don't wanna get flamed."

(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

Manner lesson

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying...

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

A girl had taken singing lessons from a famous teacher.

He was present at her recital, and after it was over she was anxious to know his reaction.

He didn't come back to congratulate her, and so she asked a friend, "What did he say?"

Her loyal friend answered, "He said that you sang heavenly."

She couldn't quite believe that her tea...

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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.

Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
O...

A couple of police officers taught me a valuable lesson about grocery stores.

Apparently, employees aren’t supposed to have free thyme.

My classroom teacher made me stand up in front of the class for being a nuisance during the lesson.

She held her pointer stick towards me and said,

"At the end of this stick, there is an idiot!"

I got detention after asking which end.

Lesson in Marriage

A son goes to tell his father that he is going to marry his girlfriend.

Son: "Hey dad, I decided I'm going to marrying Jessica"

Dad: "Oh wow that's great son, but first you have to say you're sorry"

The son is confused by this

Son: "Wait why do you need me to say that da...

I asked my mom why she forced me to go to to singing lessons as a kid

She said singing is a skill I need to a choir.

Grammar lesson

Two people were camping in a campground. The first says, "I think I'll go for a run." The second replies, "Don't you mean 'ran,' since it's past tents?"

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you j...

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I learned a valuable lesson today.

When using anal beads, you're not supposed to pull them out like you're trying to start a lawn mower.

What did the blonde say after the lesson on electricity?

Watt?

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.


At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."


At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, j...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

When I was 6 years old my priest took me aside and gave me a lesson about the birds and the bees.

He did this to many other kids. It went on for about 2 years. Until he left the church to pursue his career in zoology. He just loved teaching kids about animals. What a great man.

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A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says

"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"

"First is you should be fearless...

Grammar Lesson

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 mi...

A young woman was taking golf lessons ..

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?...

College taught me a valuable lesson.

I'm still paying for it.

Biology Lesson

Dr Adams is holding forth to his college students on biology and anatomy. "Miss Baker, can you tell me which part of the human body can expand by up to 10 times, and under what conditions?"

Miss Baker blushes furiously, and says, "That is not an appropriate question to ask a lady, and I will ...

Chemistry Lesson

Me: "Hey girl, if you were a compound, you'd be copper telluride. You know why?"

Girl: "Because I'm cute?"

Me: "Nah, you're just really dense."

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

​

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"
<...

English Lesson

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, the man drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to th...

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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

Biology Lesson

A little girl raised her hand during a biology lesson and asked the teacher if her grandmother could have a baby.

The teacher surprised by the question explains that her grandmother would be too old to have a baby.

The little girl followed that up by asking if her mother could have a b...

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Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

I got my girlfriend pregnant and I learned a very important lesson

The price difference between a condom and an abortion.

Little Jonny is having a difficult time with the math lesson so...

The teacher, Miss Cooper decides to use a situation that little Jonny can relate to. She knows little Jonny likes to hunt birds so she asks little Jonny "if there are if 5 birds on a wooden fence and you shoot one how many are left"? Little Jonny replies "none" once you shoot one the other birds fly...

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History lesson

A teacher was attempting to teach American history to her elementary students. She said I will give you a famous quotation from history and I want all who know who said it and when to raise their hand. She said "Give me liberty or give me death." The only one that raised a hand was a Japanese boy. S...

Little Timmy's english lesson...

...was about food today.

"Good morning class" says the teacher, "today's lesson is about food! Let's start by mentioning things we can eat. Come on kids."

Sally raises her arm "bread!"

"Very good, Sally!" Says the teacher.

"Cornflakes!" says Billy.

"Good one, cornf...

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.  In fact, it bounced back open.  Seeing the two chur...

A farmer with an aptitude for music decided to host a music history lesson for the animals.

He gathered them all in the barn and declared, "Soon enough, I'll have proven that even animals can find appreciation in such a fine art!"

He played a flowing, melodic bar slowly on the keyboard and looked expectantly toward the animals. "This piece is moderately well known. Can anyone tell m...

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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Texas

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust f...

My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil

I still don't know how much she charged him though.