Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar...

Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.

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The old farmer said, “ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoise”

The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a ‘post tortoise’ was.

The farmer said, “When you’re driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.

The farmer saw the puzzled look on the man’s face so he cont...

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mo...

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

You guys are familiar with Freudian slips right?

It’s when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Are you familiar with Chomsky's work?

Yeah I Noam.

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the English alphabet.

I don’t know why.

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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

Two blondes are walking down the street when one of them sees a small mirror on the ground...

She picks it up and looks into it. With a puzzled look on her face, she says to her friend "hmmm this woman looks familiar". Her friend grabs the mirror from her and looks into it. "Of course that woman looked familiar, you idiot. It's me!"

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Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.

First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahe...

An old man walks into a confessional

The priest behind the screen says, "What are your sins my son?" The old man replies, "Well Father, I'm 63 years old. I've been married to the same woman for 40 years and I've been faithful all that time. That ended last night when I had a three-way with two college-age girls."

The priest look...

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What do you call a strange but familiar, unexplainable feeling in your anus?

Gay-ja-vu

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Mirror mazes always make me depressed

All around me are familiar faces

A woman wants buy a parrot

She asks a employee at the pet store if they’ve got any parrots
the employee : offcourse we’ve got a parrot!
Just a side note though this parrot has been a long time pet of a brothel and it might have picket up some dirty words here and there, but dont worry! I’ve got a easy way to fix this j...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

I met this vegetarian and she looks very familiar

Seems like I met herbivore

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

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What did the butterfly say to the caterpillar?

Hey! You look familiar.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.



“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.



“John,” the new guy replied.



The manager scowled, “Look... I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you work...

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctor...

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

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For a good time call

Co worker told me this one.

Guy walks into a bathroom and notices a number.

"For a good time, call xxx-xxxx"

So he did. It rang and rang, and a woman answered the phone. A familiar woman....

"MOM?! Why the hell is your number in the men's bathroom?"

"Its the only ...

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football pro...

The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

I'm not real familiar with who this Rorschach guy is...

...but he sure loves painting pictures of naked dudes.

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A woman hears a familiar tune. She then pulls a gun and shoots a stranger dead. Why?

Because she's fucking crazy.

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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Sportsman's Double

You may be familiar with the term "Sportsman's Double".

Good-looking college guy walks into a nice bar, and there's a very attractive, middle-aged woman sitting at the bar by herself. She could be 45 0r 50, but still really sexy. Guy says, "Man, I have to at least try. Could be fun."
...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

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Just a short joke you are probably pretty familiar with

yep, it's your penis

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

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Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wif...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

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It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren't looking good.

The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they're starting to get desperate. Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, "Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!"

So they fire three shots an...

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Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

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The Safari Guide

There once was a safari guide in Africa, and one day he was leading a tour through the grasslands when he encounters an elephant standing on three legs. He watches this elephant for a minute and it doesn't move. He decides to investigate. Leaving his tour behind he approaches the animal slowly, as t...

Most people are familiar with the French kiss, but few can successfully attempt the German kiss.

It's very sleek and efficient if done well, but most of the time your tongues end up tied in little knotsies.

Jack walked into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink.

He sees familiar faces around the bar, like his good old friend Gerald.

He tried to get up from his seat, but he was stuck.

Gerald noticed the commotion and went to help.

Gerald helped his friend, Jack, off.

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

Two Irishmen meet at a pub.

They start talking about their lives, when one thinks the other one looks familiar.

"What city were you born in?" he asked.

"Dublin," said the other.

"Same here, let's drink a toast to Dublin."

When they've finished their drinks, they carry on with the questions. Dublin w...

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Two blondes are in a car and one is looking at a small mirror.

The first says, "The girl in this picture looks So familiar."
The second grabs the mirror, "Let me see. Oh my God! You're so dumb. It's Me, Stupid!"

Scrolling through r/Jokes is always nice.

Reading each new post is like seeing a familiar friend.

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop

Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”

The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds ...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

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