My comedian friend told me that a good joke leads the audience down a familiar path and then gives them a punchline they weren't expecting.

So I drove him back to his house and shat in his refrigerator.

THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR…

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock! Knock!

You guys are familiar with Freudian slips right?

It’s when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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What do you call a strange but familiar, unexplainable feeling in your anus?

Gay-ja-vu

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English alphabet

I don’t know Y

You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is?

It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.

I met this vegetarian and she looks very familiar

Seems like I met herbivore

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of...

...a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctor...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Are you familiar with Chomsky's work?

Yeah I Noam.

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An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So d...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

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A woman hears a familiar tune. She then pulls a gun and shoots a stranger dead. Why?

Because she's fucking crazy.

I'm not real familiar with who this Rorschach guy is...

...but he sure loves painting pictures of naked dudes.

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Just a short joke you are probably pretty familiar with

yep, it's your penis

What did the vegan say when he saw someone familiar?

I've seen herbivore.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

A man builds a church with a bell tower.

A man builds a church with a bell tower. The bell tower has a hole on the top floor where the man would ring the bell that was forgotten to be patched up.After the construction, he hired a person to ring the bell to inform people when the mass is about to start.

A guy comes in and sees the l...

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‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

“Now that’s an old one.” The chicken smiled to himself as he looked across the barren road in front of him, the age old question repeating itself in his mind.

On one side, the chicken stood. The other, a lone bar in the middle of nowhere. And yet, at some point, it was once the most bustling ...

Most people are familiar with the French kiss, but few can successfully attempt the German kiss.

It's very sleek and efficient if done well, but most of the time your tongues end up tied in little knotsies.

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

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Sportsman's Double

You may be familiar with the term "Sportsman's Double".

Good-looking college guy walks into a nice bar, and there's a very attractive, middle-aged woman sitting at the bar by herself. She could be 45 0r 50, but still really sexy. Guy says, "Man, I have to at least try. Could be fun."
...

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

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Two homies from Oakland decide to go on a road trip, without a destination...

As Tyrrell is loading the trunk with booze, weed, and all sorts of ill shit, Jerome is loading himself up with all sorts of bling. They jump in the low riding Cutlass and hit the road.

A few days of mindless driving goes by, Tyrrell asks Jerome: "Ay bruh, where we at?" Jerome responds: "Sheee...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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Two Nuns, a Man and a Marketplace

Two young nuns go to the market in the middle of the afternoon to buy some fruit and nuts for the Christmas punch.

The market was very crowded and their shopping trip takes much longer than anticipated.

- **Sister Diana:** Sister Andrea?
- **Sister Andrea:** Yes, sister Diana?
- ...

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Amazing Grace

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost on ...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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Heard this one on the radio this morning.

An 80 year old man sees a hot young lady in the store. He approaches her and says "I don't mean this to sound like a pickup line, but you look familiar. Are you a doctor?" The young lady says "yes sir I am, I'm a urologist". The old man says "oh yeah I went to you 10 years ago because me and the wif...

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Fame

A guy goes in to a recording studio and hands the engineer what must be 50 grand in cash. He says, "I want you to record exactly what I say, then use the leftover money to print up as many CDs as you can, and send them to every record label head, A&R rep, talent scout and manager in the business...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

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Pop your finger in and see if she's done

Okay so there's this guy, let's call him Brad. He's cooking with his wife's Uncle on thanksgiving, let's call him Lenny. Lenny pulls a Pumpkin Pie out of the oven and is like "Hmm... I dunno, I've never been too good with these things, can neeeever tell if it's fully cooked."

So Brad's like "...

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Anger Management: It Really Works!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dial...

Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren't looking good.

The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they're starting to get desperate. Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, "Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!"

So they fire three shots an...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

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Guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

and bets anyone in the bar $100 if they have a musical instrument his octopus can’t play he’ll pay them $10,000. A man immediately hops up with a harmonica, confident he had won the money. But the octopus shows expert skill with the harmonica, receiving a round of applause from the other patrons. An...

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The Safari Guide

There once was a safari guide in Africa, and one day he was leading a tour through the grasslands when he encounters an elephant standing on three legs. He watches this elephant for a minute and it doesn't move. He decides to investigate. Leaving his tour behind he approaches the animal slowly, as t...

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?" The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...

But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before...

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Elephant encounter

A man visits his doctor because his asshole is the diameter of a basketball. He tells the doctor he was raped by an elephant.

The doctor tells the man he's not familiar with the anatomy of elephants but he's pretty sure that they have long, thin penises.

The man tells his doctor that ...

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It's John the mailman's last day on duty.

John has been a mailman for a very long time and the day has finally come where he will deliver the mail for a one last time.

As per usual he goes to the post office to pick up his bag filled with mail and off he goes on that oh so familiar path one last time.

As he stops by the firs...

Two cannibals are eating a relative. One says to the other:

"Does this taste familiar to you?"

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The instant orgasm trick

\*\*\*\*This is an old one, but I haven't seen it in 2 decades, so here goes..



The more experienced readers are probably already familiar with
this trick, but, for the others who want to give their man
something truly special...

This works best as a surprise, so don...

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A man walks into a bar...

he goes to the counter and says: "Morning". "Morning," the barman answers. "I'd like to have three black coffees." "Three?" "Yeah. One for me, one for you, and one for that slutty wife of yours!" The barman is taken aback, as he realizes he's never seen the man before. He's a little angry, but decid...

Jack walked into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink.

He sees familiar faces around the bar, like his good old friend Gerald.

He tried to get up from his seat, but he was stuck.

Gerald noticed the commotion and went to help.

Gerald helped his friend, Jack, off.

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

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A woman cheats on her Husband.

A woman cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realising her mistake, she starts praying to God:

"God, I know I did a bad thing But my marriage is the only thing that makes me happy. Please don't let my husband find out."

She hears a voice from above: Okay my child it w...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

Scrolling through r/Jokes is always nice.

Reading each new post is like seeing a familiar friend.

Two Irishmen meet at a pub.

They start talking about their lives, when one thinks the other one looks familiar.

"What city were you born in?" he asked.

"Dublin," said the other.

"Same here, let's drink a toast to Dublin."

When they've finished their drinks, they carry on with the questions. Dublin w...

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

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A woman named Andrea gets sent to prison for marijuana possession.

The facility is overcrowded, and it’s four people to a cell. It’s late at night when she arrives, and not a single one of her cellmates so much as stops snoring even after Andrea is shoved in and the door clangs shut. Tired and defeated, she picks up a strangely familiar smell just before she falls ...

Two blondes are in a car and one is looking at a small mirror.

The first says, "The girl in this picture looks So familiar."
The second grabs the mirror, "Let me see. Oh my God! You're so dumb. It's Me, Stupid!"

A piece of string walks into a bar and sits next to the bartender. He asks for a drink, but the bartender says apologetically, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

Confused, the string leaves and goes home. A few days later, he returns to the bar, this time sitting at a different end of the bar. He asks for a drink and the bartender responds,"Hey, aren't you that string from the other day? I told you, we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the string l...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop

Right away they go over to the bird section.

Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”

The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds ...

A man dies and goes to Rock N' Roll Heaven..( semi-long)

Upon arrival he is immersed immediately in all the sights and sounds of everything from classic rock to modern anything you would want to listen to, experience and see in person LIVE that you may of missed during your life on Earth.

He looks over and sees Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Randy Rhodes,...

Theory of Jumping Fleas

A lunatic asylum inmate amused himself by placing the pet flea on his left hand and on the command "Jump, Freddie, jump", the insect would leap to his right hand.

This game helped the poor man to pass away the mindless hours but one day he produced a tiny pair of scissors and proceeded to cut...

A man was hired to ring a church bell...

...but he wasn't very good at it. Every time he rung the bell it came back and smacked him in the face. He kept trying to duck under the bell but it kept hitting him.

Eventually, at the end of his shift he rang the bell one last time. Again, the bell hit him in his aching face, but this time ...

A Brazilian friend told me this joke yesterday

The United Nations decided to conduct a world-wide survey. So they sent a letter to the representatives of each country with the following question: "Please, with all honesty, give your opinion on the scarcity of food in the rest of the world".


The survey was a huge failure. Why? None of ...

The Chinese Doctor

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of tas...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

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A young man worked in the porn industry to pay his way through dental hygienist school.

A young man worked in the porn industry to pay his way through dental hygienist school. After graduating he took a job in a dentist office. One day a familiar looking woman arrived for a cleaning. Upon examination, he couldn’t help but notice her extremely white teeth. Suddenly he realized how h...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

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“Las Bolas del Toro”, a joke my grandfather loves to tell me.

A young man visits Spain on a trip, he hears a ruckus and goes to inspect.

He finds an arena where the bull fighting had just ended, and sees a lot of people filing into a restaurant across the street.

The young man sits down and begins looking at the menu, when suddenly he hears the...

The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

Of course.

Two blondes are walking along and they find a “compact” (for make-up) on the sidewalk.

The first blonde picks it up, opens it and looks in the little mirror.

“Oh!”, she says. “This person looks very familiar!”

The other blonde grabs the compact, looks in the mirror and says, <...

King Tut's first date

The girl was beautiful, a similar age, but unfortunately did not share many interests with the young Pharoah. The night went on, and they had an amazing dinner, the finest wine, and remained alone in his personal chambers, talking for hours. He excuses himself for a moment to speak with his guard, a...

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Irishman is on his deathbed...

Irishman is on his deathbed and he is laying there beckoning God to come take him soon for he has lived a long life. "Lord take me now!" He exclaims. As he is laying on his death bed he smells a familiar smell. "I know what that is! It is my Miss's oatmeal cookies. I would do anything for me miss's ...

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A homeless guy sleeps on a parkbench.

A homeless guy sleeps on a parkbench, knocked out from alcohol and his asscrack showing a little.

A horny gay man happens to walk by and sees the opportunity and takes advantage of it. After he's done, he slips the homeless a 20 dollar bill and goes on his way.
The homeless man wakes up an...