What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

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A brilliant lawyer is sitting next to an ordinary man on a plane.

The lawyer asks the man if he wants to bet money on a game of smarts to pass the time.

The ordinary man says, “You’re so smart, I won’t be able to win!”

The lawyer says, “That’s no problem. For every question you can’t answer, give me $5; for every question I can’t answer, I’ll give yo...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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I will never think of coconuts the same again.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

Special Pig

A farmer walks into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg. Bartender says "We don't allow pigs in here". Farmer says "This is no ordinary pig this is a special pig". Bartender asks, "What's so special about it?" Farmer replies, "I was out fishing in my pond, fell out of my boat, I can't swim. Pig broke...

There was once a cornflake named randy.

Randy was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being toasted, he was in the back of the assembly line. He tried and tried and tried to get to the front, but failed. Now remember Randy wasn’t an ordinary cornflake, he was a rambunctious cornflake. When he was being put into the box, he was at the b...

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The Parrot at Church

There is a small church in a small community here in my hometown. It is full of all sorts of people. This one lady brought a parrot to church. This was not an ordinary parrot. The parrot was foul mouthed and swore a lot. One day, the preacher told the lady, “Ma’am, I am going to have to ask you to s...

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

Do you reckon the people who wrote the regulations on making toilets ordinary...

...wanted to call them "bog standards"?

Soy milk is just ordinary milk

introducing itself in Spanish.

Most lists are general and ordinary

But there are a couple specialists.

Do you know where all the average ordinary things are made?

At the satis-factory.

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The man proceeds to sit on a stool and the dog quickly follows, jumping onto the next stool. The barkeep tells the man ‘Sir your dog can’t sit there!’

‘Well I reckon he can. You see, this is no ordinary dog. This dog here has the gift of speech, and that makes him my best friend. And I believ...

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What do you say to a sex patient that likes to have sex with ordinary objects?

Go fuck your shelf.

I thought this up, sorry of its a repost.

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

What do you call two ordinary ghosts?

Paranormals.

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

Ordinary Differential Humor

A bunch of continuous functions were hanging out at a bar, having a few drinks and having fun. The door swings opened and the differential operator walked in. All the functions started scrambling and ran out the door except one lonely function.

The differential operator ran up to him and yel...

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

We were so poor growing up

that for breakfast we had Ordinary K.

My friend Dave was a single guy living at home with his Father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly Father died.

Dave wanted two things:

1. To learn how to invest his inheritance.
2. To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ord...

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

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On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

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The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)

This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he’s sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.

The farmer asks “what are you doing with so much tape?” The boy replies “this isn’t just any tape this is duck tape. I’...

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

Some pig!

So a traveling salesman is driving past a farm when he sees a pig with a wooden leg out front. Curious, he goes to the house and knocks on the door. The farmer answers.

"What's the story with the pig with the wooden leg?" asks the salesman.

"Let me tell you about that pig," says the fa...

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Two men are sitting in a rooftop bar, 20 stories high...

And one turns to the other, asking “what’s that you’re drinking?”

The other man, a regular customer, catches the bartender’s eye as he replies “this is no ordinary drink. This drink gives me superpowers.”

The first man smirks and says “prove it.”

So the second man takes a swig, ...

A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;

"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"

After a month, his friends get the first letter;

"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and proper...

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Curtis

So, imagine a guy named Curtis. Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent.

One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can.

Every time you did someone a...

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So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

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Little Johnny goes hunting (long)

One day little Johnny is walking down the street past the Old mans house carrying a roll of chicken wire.

The old man calls out from the rocking chair on his porch "What'ya got there boy?".

Little Johnny says back "I got me chicken wire! I'ma gonna catch me some chickens!".

The ...

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You have 10 birds in the tree if one gets shot how many left?

Here the programmer version


You have 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How many are left?

There is a programmer version for this question:

One day, when the teacher wanted to test the students' IQ in class, he asked a boy, "There are 10 birds in a tree. You shot one. How man...

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NSFW The wax job

A trucker sees a Japanese massage parlor and decides to partake of the services.

He goes inside, pays $40 and they give him a perfectly ordinary massage.

He protests "Hey, wait a minute! Haven't you got something else? Something a little 'special'?"

The cute Japanese gi...

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NSFW Possible Coronavirus Inoculant Found

Experts suggest that a hormone found in ordinary semen may, if consumed in sufficient quantities over time, produce a gradual immunity buildup to the Covid19 virus.

Source: Am expert

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A woman is in line at the grocery store

As she starts to load her food onto the conveyor belt, a drunk man gets in line behind her. As she finishes emptying her basket he leans over and says to her, "you must be single."

She's determined to ignore him, but as she waits she finds herself looking down at her groceries: milk, eggs, ap...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

How do you make holy water?

You take ordinary tap water and boil the hell out of it.

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

A couple decide that they need a guard dog

So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”

The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars,...

Three married businessmen meet for their annual camping trip.

As they see each other only this time of the year, they have a lot to talk about. On their last day in the woods, the men decide to go for a little walk. Suddenly, they hear someone whimper. They follow the noise to a well and with combined efforts, they rescue a little fairy from its ground.
...

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I was cleaning my yard when my dog brought a dead rabbit to me.

This wasn't just any ordinary rabbit.

I could tell that this was one of my neighbors prized rabbits that he used for shows.

Seeing as I didn't want my neighbor knowing my dog killed his rabbit, I washed the blood off the rabbit and that night put the rabbit back into its cage at my n...

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman knocks on a woman's door. As she opens the door the salesman quickly runs inside and empties a bag full of poop on her expensive carpet.

Woman, shocked and angered, shouts "what the hell are you doing to my carpet?!?". The salesman replies "Ma'am, this is not just any ordinary vacuum cleaner. This vacuum cleaner has been engineered by top German scientists in their super high tech labs. If this vacuum cleaner doesn't clean up your ca...

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but ...

A Welshman an Irishman and an Englishman walk into a park,

they see a slide, but this is no ordinary slide, this slide is magic, as anything you say going down the slide is what you will land in, so the Irishman goes first "A POT OF GOLD" he yells as he slides down the slide, and he lands in a pot of gold, the Welshman next "POT OF DIAMONDS" yells just as l...

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

Throwback to elementary school:

Three people were on a game show where there were 100 stairs. On each stair, they were told a joke. If they could get through all of the stairs without laughing, they would win a million dollars.

The three contestants were a Brilliant scientist, a successful lawyer, and an ordinary person who...

Blonde speeding...

There was a Blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please" "It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling. "That's ...

What would you call a poem written in the honour of a Mathematician?

dy/dx - 3x = 2

What's this?

An ODE (Ordinary Differential Equation)

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a frog...

...and sits down to order a drink, setting his frog (in its cage) on the bar. A few seats away from him sits a beautiful, young woman. They're the only two at the bar, so after awhile, with curiosity eating away at her, she asks,

"So what's with the frog?"

The guy responds, "Well, he's...

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Once upon a time, there was a wasp.

Now, this wasp was no ordinary wasp. No, no, this was an extremely intelligent wasp. He was so smart, in fact, that one day he decided to leave the nest to go to high school. Obviously, this was a big deal for his family, but they supported him in following his dreams, so they packed up his few belo...

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm

He sits at the bar and orders his drink and the bartender brings it to him.

While hes sipping on his drink the bartender says, “hey, mac, i gotta ask...whats with the octopus?”

The man says, “oh this? This is no ordinary octopus, this is a musical genius octopus!”

Skeptical, th...

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

A Pop-Art Joke.

I am a high school art teacher. I do a unit on pop art in which we look at some works by Claes Oldenburg. For those who don’t know his work, he is known for making huge versions of ordinary everyday objects. One of his works we look at is an 80-foot-high sculpture of a clothespin that’s in Philadelp...

Our new Space Force is exploring mars

The new Space Force has finally arrived at mars, and an exploration ship has been investigating the snow and ice covered North Pole area.

A field biologist excitedly rushes in to his general, and exclaims, “Sir, incredible news! We have discovered a strange, silicon-based form of life in the...

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There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

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Green ping pong ball.

These was once a girl, Sara, whos third birthday was coming up, and as this was the first time she was old enough to really understand what was happening, her parents asked her what she wanted.
"I want a green ping pong ball!" Sara answered immediately and without a hint of uncertainty. The par...

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The King and the Fucker on the bridge

Once upon a time there lived a king who wanted to test the loyalty of his subjects. He raised heavy taxes on his people and demanded high rent for the land.

There were no complaints. None.

The king summoned one of his officers and instructed him to collect one gold coin from everyone p...

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A man is lost in the desert...

A man is lost wandering in the desert. After pushing as hard as he could, his horse has died, and he is near to death himself, when along comes a missionary. The missionary, having come extra prepared in case he should come across a poor weary soul, has brought enough food, water, and an extra horse...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

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So my blonde, Hungarian girlfriend goes to the doctors office...

The doctor ask what’s wrong and my Hungarian girlfriend replies and says since she’s waken her stomach had been hurting.

The doctor then ask if shes eaten anything that she thinks might have upset her stomach.

My girlfriend says no, she hasn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary.
...

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A man in the desert finds an old oil lamp...

... he rubs the lamp (as is traditional), and surprise! Out pops a genie.

"The contract is made, for freeing me from the lamp I shall grant you THREE WISHES!"

Sweet! Thinks the man I'm gonna make the best of this! And he whispers something in the genie's ear.

"IT SHALL BE DONE!...

A man takes his son out for his very first beer

Now his son his no ordinary man, he was born with only a head, no torso, no arms, and no legs. But his father loved him anyway, and raised him well.

When his son turns 18, the father decides to take him out to the pub for his first beer to celebrate.

He sits his son down on the bar a...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

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Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

My favorite Halloween Joke

Two Vampire Hunters entered a cemetery looking for their prey. As night fell, they found a tombstone covered in blood, black as night and decorated with a bat motif. They began excavating it, getting to the coffin just as the last rays of the sun began to disappear.

With no time to open it, ...

A guy walks into a bar...

... with his dog a step behind him. The bartender immediately looked up and said

"Hey, city ordinance, no animals allowed where food or drink is served!"

The guy looks apologetic, but says "I'm sorry, but this is no ordinary dog. This is my magic talking dog! Look, if I can convince ...

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Plan for Next Weekend

Friday at 4:45 an old geezer walks into the jewelry store with a hot babe on his arm. The shopkeeper was going to close but figured the guy must be loaded so he'll stay open. The old man is laying it on thick: "I want to see a ring that won't look dull compared to my angel's beautiful eyes." The gir...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side is the most common answer, however this answer leaves a great deal of room for interpretation. As noted historian and sociologist Ian Ormwell stated, "A joke cannot be taken at face value; all jests are subjective in their appearance and impact." Contrasting this view, the p...

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