UPJOKE
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Common Jokes

What does a piano, a tuna, and glue have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna!

What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?

They’re all so childish..

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Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

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What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?

They both fuck up trees

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What does the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit

what do socks and fruit molesters have in common?

They come in pairs.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They’re both meat substitutes

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

What does noodles and girls have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

What to a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it but they can’t taste it.

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What do a burned pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant woman have in common?

Someone didn't pull out in time

What do detectives and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack cases

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

what do a Womans Dress and a Womans Adress have in common?

if you look up either one without consent it's Inappropriate creepy And not recommended by any means.

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What do dentists, historians and prostitutes have in common?

Oral history.

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What do rednecks from the South & assholes from Boston have in common?

They both hate the Yankees!

What do a wife and an old car have in common?

It’s hard to get them to turn over on a cold morning

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What do your eyes and your rectum have in common after unlubricated anal sex?

They both have tears in them

What do magicians and dads have in common?

Now you see them, now you don't.

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What does someone with depression and a necrophile have in common ?

They both feel like fucking corpses.

What is common between Batman, Will Smith and Putin?

They all attacked a comedian

What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common?

Their patients don't come back.

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What do Christmas trees and priests have in common?

Balls are there just for decoration...

What was the most common reason ancient Egyptians would cry?

They missed their mummies.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

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what do woman and a McDonald's happy meal have in common?

They both can cum with a toy inside lol

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

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What's common between a Blonde and Bermuda Triangle

They both swallowed a lot of Semen

What do the Kardashians have in common with deer?

They get a new rack every year.

What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?

Both are King of Pop.

What do clown cars and catholic women have in common?

They like to show how many people can crawl out of them.

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What does "a fear of heights" and "cleaning up after anal sex" have in common?

Don't look down.

What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

"What were you doing the night between November and May?"

I'll see myself out.

What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common?

Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.

P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!

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What does my APR credit card have in common with my wife giving me a blowjob?

No interest until 2024

What do the Eiffel Tower and a tick have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

What does a pair of Levi's and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

What do Taylor Swift and Chinese history have in common?

They both have a Blank Space in 1989

What do the Super Bowl and a doctor’s office have in common?

Aaron Rodgers won’t get a shot at either.

What does President Erdogan have in common with Little Miss Muffet?

They both have Kurds in their whey

What do the Knights of the Round Table and Onlyfans have in common?

They Camelot

what do an actor and a waiter have in common?

They're both waiters.

What do COVID and TikTok have in common?

They infect everything they touch

What is a common phrase that both poker players and cannibals say?

Just finish the hand!

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What do Mexican porn and Christianity have in common?

They both have Jesus coming

What do diapers and politicians have in common?





They both stink and need to be changed often.

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

What do a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

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What do computers and pooping have in common?

They both end when you logout.

What do Santa and Bill Cosby have in common

They only come when you are asleep.

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What do a Christmas tree and an old man have in common?

The wood is dead, and the balls are just for decoration.

I wish orange was a common color option for android phones

Would make it easier to compare them to Apples.

What do mythical beasts and honest politicians have in common?

They don't exist.

What do parents feeding their kids and terrorist have in common?

“Here comes the airplane!”

What do elephants and Timex watches have in common?

They both come in quartz

What do a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book reader and someome good at pleasing women have in common?

They are both willing to keep as many fingers inside until they get to a good ending.

What do a hooker and a coal miner have in common?

They both work the shafts for pay.

This one sounds better when you say it aloud: What does Sean Connery’s favorite actress and favorite reptile have in common?

They’re both Dinah Shore.

What do jokes that talk about mailmen always have in common?

They always have a good delivery.

What do nerds and racists have in common?

They both aspire to be wizards.

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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

What does a mosquito and a biker have in common?

They're both really annoying but don't live long.

What do Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln & FDR have in common?

They became the change I see in the world.

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What does Javascript and female masturbation have in common?

They are both object-based.

What do a Dam and a pregnant woman have in common?

All hell breaks loose when the water breaks.

What do Jakob Dylan and Ezra Miller have in common?

They both understand the Perks of being a Wallflower.

[NSFW] What do a plumber and a walrus have in common?

They both like a good, tight seal.

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

What do Peter the Great and Vladimir Putin have in common?

They both lead Russia to the 18th century.

What do old pirate captains and math teachers have in common?

They both yell at younger people to find X

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What do flags and my penis have in common?

They both stand at half mast when somebody dies.

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In the early days of pioneer life, a compass was essential. One of the more common varieties was called the "Tates" compass.

Unfortunately it was a very low quality compass. From which comes the expression: He who has a "Tates," is lost.

What do Christians and mice have in common?

They both worship cheeses

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do children and ice cream have in common?

They’re sweet but they sometimes give you a headache.

Lance is not a common name nowadays.

But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.

what does a tornado in Texas and a divorce have in common?

Either way someones losing a trailer

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Father is a fisherman, Mother crochets. Son plays rugby and Daughter is a prostitute. What do they have in common?

All are hookers.

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what does captain Kirk have in common with toilet paper?

They both go to Uranus to get the Klingons

What does a photographer have in common with an art thief?

The both take pictures.

What do Donald Trump, Pink Floyd, and Dale Earnhardt Sr have in common?

Their biggest hits were all "The Wall"

What do you and Chernobyl have in common?

Someday someone will enter without a glove.

What does a knife have in common with a milkshake?

They both look amazing, but you usually regret your choices once they're in your stomach.

What do Costco and Las Vegas have in common?

You go to buy a gallon of milk and it costs you $285.

What do pumpkins, watermelons, and cantaloupes in the path of a steamroller have in common?

They all end up as squash.

Ba dum tiss.

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What do orgasms and pulses have in common

I don’t care if she has either

What do job hunting and incels have in common?

They both expect years of experience from a first timer.

What do Saitama and Gotye have in common?

They're both one hit wonders.

Ba dum tiss.

What do politicians, drug addicts and birds have in common?

They all have friends in high places.

What do pimples and social media influencers have in common?

They both start off small, randomly grow huge, explode, then leave a nasty scar until one day we forget they were ever there.

That's all guys, bye.

What does a diplomat and a good doggy have in common?

They both want treaties.

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What do a butthole and a 9v battery have in common?

We know we shouldn’t put our tongue on it but we do it anyway. (rim shot…no pun intended)

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

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What does starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for clingons

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What do masturbation and brain damage have in common?

After a few strokes it’s all over!

What does Mike Tyson, after he's finished baking, have in common with Walter White?

A methy kitchen.

What do incels and Excel have in common?

They both wrongly assume something is a date when it's not

What do American police have in common with American Congress?

They only serve and protect corporate interests.

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What do old women and dog shit have in common?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

What do Winnie the Pooh, Atilla the Hun, and Smokey the Bear have in common?

The same middle name.

What do roads and farts have in common?

Asphalt.

What does Al Bundy and the prophet Muhammad have in common?

Married with children.

What do a marine biologist and a drunk girl have in common?

They’re both worried about the seal!

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

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What do BMWs and hemorrhoids have in common?

Sooner or later every asshole has one.

What does a fat American and a rich British person have in common?

They have alot of pounds

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What do male prostitutes and the actor who played inspector clouseau have in common?

They're both Peter Sellers.

What do Gisele, Eli Manning, and Nick Foles all have in common?

All three managed to take a ring from Tom Brady.

What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?

They all have *contractions*.

What do a pirate and a photon have in common?

They're both constantly moving at c

What do cancer and the news have in common

White blood Sells

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

What do adult cam models and anti-vaxxers have in common?

Both always end up lying in bed deep-throating a plastic tube.

What do The Titanic and The 6th Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

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What do Russian Banks and my ass have in common?

We're both having liquidity crises right now.

I'm feeling slightly sick, please send soup and crackers.

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!





(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.

He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.

But it didn't.

Then he tried learning German.

That didn't help either.

He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.

Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I lear...

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What does my dick and English have in common?

They're both unnecessarily hard during a presentation

What do the Queen and Elvis have in common?

They both died on the throne.

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What do a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets

What do junkies and adulterers in the Middle East have in common?

They both get stoned.

What did George Michael and wellington boots have in common?

They both got sucked off in bogs.

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What do pedophiles and mosquitos have In common?

People love beating the crap out of them.

What do German Communists and German Capitalists have in common?

They both love Marks

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What does a cumsock and its owner have in common?

They’re both probably single.

What do a cat on the beach and Christmas have in common?

They both have sandy claws

My university professor and Gandalf have a lot in common...

..they both say "You shall not pass!"

What do Amber Heard and Jesus have in common?

They both got nailed on the cross.

What does my dad and Nemo have in common?

They both can’t be found.

What's common between an average redditor getting a hanky panky and FDR?

They both only lasted one stroke.

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what does a laxative and a wife have in common?

They irritate the shit out of you

what do kids with tourette’s and tall grass have in common?

ticks

What do Hamlet and Scooby-Doo have in common?

They're both great Danes.

what's the most commonly used phrase by artists?

Would you like fries with that.

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