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Smokers Delight

3 old ladies were smoking cigarettes behind the nursing home. It started to rain so two of them threw their cigarettes on the ground all pissed off. The third one pulled a condom out of her pursue, rolled it down her cigarette and continued smoking. The other two asked in amazement where she had got...

Red sky at night: Shepherd’s delight

Blue sky at night: Day

TIFU by accidentally giving my vegetarian girlfriend my Italian Sandwich from quizno's instead of her Veggie Delight Sandwich.

Oops wrong sub.

Red sky at night; shepherds delight, red sky in morning; shepherds warning

Minced lamb, potato, onion and carrot; shepherd's pie.

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A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband...

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Sex Delight

An old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"

"I'm 82",...

What do you call a happy lightbulb?

Delight.

A Tampa man dies and goes to Hell.

A Tampa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Tampa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to ...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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Three men are stranded on a desert island. (Long) (NSFW)

Three men wash up on a desert island. They don’t know each other and don’t know where they are. Soon, they get very hungry. They go into the island to see if they can find any food. They happen to stumble upon an enormous cache of perfectly ripe fruits. They eat to their heart’s delight, and when th...

A man had been deserted alone on an island for 10 years...

When suddenly one day he sees a ship in the distance! He lights the signal fire and to his delight sees a life raft rowing his way. When the boat finally reaches the shore the man weeps with joy and hugs the man, the captain of the ship, who came to save him. The captain asks the man “Dear sir, how ...

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Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself...

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The motician says that the man does look v...

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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Jesus and Todd are talking in a bar...

Todd sips a glass of wine, to his delight, it was quite tasteful.

Jesus pulls out a cup of red blood and sips it, he seemed to enjoy it.

"What the actual fuck?" Todd asked in confusion.

"You drink my blood, I drink your blood, it's fair." responded Jesus.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

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Lie Detector

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was ju...

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How are you likin' these sons of bitches?

One day a fisherman in a small town begins to catch a new type of fish in his nets that he's never seen before. Since he wasn't going to waste fish that he'd caught, he decides to go ahead and cook them anyways and see how they taste. To his delight, the mystery fish are quite magnificent. He digs a...

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions w...

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. 

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard. 

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks. 

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

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A man was lost in the desert

With nobody by his side apart from his trusty camel. The man walks miles and miles, maintaining his needs by eating the flesh of dead animals and drinking from the oasis' scattered across the lands. However the one basic need he is unable to satisfy is the need for sex. After several days the man ca...

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A newly wed couple are off on their honeymoon in Australia

They were out swimming in the sea when all of a sudden, a jelly fish stung the wife in the vagina. They quickly went to the hospital and the doctor said "it looks like you will be okay but due to the swelling you won't be able to have sex for at least a couple of weeks." The couple were so disappoin...

A man rubs a lamp and a genie pops out...

The genie tells the man that he can make three wishes, but the only condition is that whatever he gets, his ex wife will get double.

Perturbed but accepting the offer, he wishes for a large mansion. POOF! He has a large mansion, but sure enough, his ex wife gets two.

For his second w...

My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, h...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines...

So an American WWII soldier finally takes a break from the frontlines and is on a train to London, where he will tour for the next week or so.
He boards a train and notices that there are no empty seats, as it is overcrowded, and begins to search for an empty seat. He walks to one end of the trai...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

There was a young man who was obsessed with tractors as long as he could remember...

When the “World’s Biggest Tractor” was going to be displayed at the county fair, he knew he had to go. He saved up some money, drove to the event, and was first in line to see the tractor up close.

As he was examining the wheels, the tractor ended up lurching forward, pinning his legs as he t...

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...

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Three Men are Stranded in the Desert

They were becoming hungry and dehydrated, so they set off in search of anything. To their delight, they came across a small shack with the smell of food cooking wafting from it. Upon knocking on the door, a shaky old woman wearing a veil welcomed them inside. They explained their plight about being ...

The best Easter joke I heard

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?
The first blonde replies,...

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The Wishing Pool

Three friends who were on an adventure through the jungle stumbled upon a magical wonder: they discovered a pool which turned into whatever you wished for. Before jumping off the rock next to the pool, you have to shout whatever you want the pool to turn into.

The first friend decided to try ...

Tea Party

A dad was staying home with his 3 year old daughter while his wife was away to see family. The daughter, having recently gotten a tea set for her birthday, found it enjoyable to 'make tea' for her father. The tea being water. Each day the little girl would bring her father his 'tea' while he watched...

When asked for her occupation, A woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher,

The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court,” he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write “I will not pass through a red light’ five hundred times.

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A girl was meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time

Unfortunately she was dealing with a severely upset stomach. As they were seated around the dinner table she had to try and release some of the crippling pressure, and decided to let out a little gas quietly. Her "little" fart resulted in a squeak audible enough that everyone at the table heard. The...

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Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"

The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a...

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Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

A Jewish man traveled to a small mountain island

He was greeted at the harbor by a friendly resident who took him on a tour of the town. As they were walking, they heard a squeal and saw a small furry creature falling down the mountain, tumbling past them before rolling to a stop. The Jewish man looked on in astonishment at this exotic creature. <...

A young cowboy walks into the saloon.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chicken congee.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowboy, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowb...

A head goes in to a bar

A head goes in to a bar to celebrate his 18th birthday with his father who buys him his first beer. Several seconds later he grows a torso.

Bewildered by this amazing revelation his father encourages him to drink another beer, he downs it and he grows an arm!

A small group of punters h...

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling...

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

A zebra dies and goes to heaven...

At the gates he asks "Saint Peter, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? This has bothered me my whole life!" Peter says "my oh my, child... I do not know. But I'm sure The Boss inside would know. Why don't you ask him yourself?" The zebra goes on in to speak wit...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stumble across a magic mirror

The trio spot a sign next to it reading "Whatever ye think you are, shall come true!"

The group are excited, and the brunette offers to go first.

She steps up to the mirror and says "I think I am the prettiest person in the world!" she immediately gets a call, and after answering, scr...

A busload of people die

and go to heaven. Not just any busload, because this particular group was an "ugly person support group", on their way to Disneyland. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter looks at them all lined up and sighs, saying "since you all had such a rough life, due to being hideous, and you died so tragically, ...

Two genius economists were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour

Chinese joke from the 1990s.

Two genius economists A and B were arguing about how incentives motivate changes in behaviour. They walked past a pile of dog dung, and A said to B:

“I’ll give you 50 million dollars if you eat that pile of dog dung!”

B thought about it, worked out i...

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"I just deleted all the German names off my phone."

***"It's Hans free"***

*Funniest joke at this years Fringe by Darren Walsh.*

**The rest of the top ten.**

2 -"Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West" - Stewart Francis

3 - "Surely every car is a people carrier?" - Adam Hess

4 - "...

A priest, a politician and an engineer were scheduled to be executed late in the French revolution.

It has to be "public", and people are tired of all the bloodshed, so a crowd of spectators is forcibly rounded up.

The priest is brought up to the guillotine and lays down on the table. The executioner pulls the cord and the heavy steel blade descends ... then shudders to a stop in the middl...

There was once a little blind girl...

... and more then anything in the world she wanted to be able to see again. "Mummy Mummy!" she would say, "when will i be able to see again?"and her mother would reply "well my darling, there are doctors working at this very instant on a cream which will make your eyes all better again! And we can g...

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Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to m...

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

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A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

Holy Ghost

It's a Sunday morning, and a pastor is talking to the crowd during his homily. He says to the congregation: "alright, so during mass we talk about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. With a show of hands, how many of you believe in spirits or ghosts?" About half of the crowd raises their hands....

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The magic vagina

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO (going without underwear).

She saw him staring and inquired, "Are you looking at my vagi...

A joke about a guy's first day in prison, from the first joke book I ever owned.

Jim arrives at the prison where he has to serve out his 10 year sentence. After the formalities involved in processing, he was shown to his cell, which he had to share with another inmate. Overwhelmed by the thought of spending the next ten years in this miserable place, he spends most of the day in...

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Veronica wants to have sex...

Veronica was a swet girl, but unfortunately she was born with no arms or legs.

Every year her family would goto the beach for vaction. Veronica would sadly watch her family have fun in the ocean.

When Veronica was a fifteen she met a nice boy on the beach named Ben that didnt seem to m...

Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with wate...

Irish Joke

Paddy walks into a chemist ,pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
"Wid ye mind tastin that fir me"?
The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust. "Thats terrible" he says. "So bitter".
Paddy replies with delight "Oh tats good ne...

Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"

We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!

*Works better said aloud.

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The Pagan

A Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," St. Peter said.

The Pagan asked why...

"You're Pagan ... I'm sorry", St. Peter replied. "But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's good."

The Pagan was depressed, ...

I went to the local store and I asked...

"How much for a dead battery?" I asked.
He responded, to my delight.
No charge.

A Heartwarming Story

One Sunday, George's wife went out to buy grocery and left him and their 3-year old daughter Bonnie at home. Bonnie was playing with her teacup party set while George was reading the morning paper.

While reading, George felt a gentle tap on her knees. When he set down the newspaper, Bonnie wa...

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Sex with a twist

So one night a father is up at 5am waiting for his son. The son creeps in the door. The father asks "Where have you been?" The son replies "Well Dad I was out with some friends tonight and you know what I had sex". The father is overcome with delight so he opens a bottle of expensive brandy has a dr...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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The statue lovers

Two ancient statues in a Roman park had been locking eyes for over 1000 years, their bodies arched toward each other with the promise of a warm embrace. One day a mystical gypsy woman stumbled upon the statues in the park and had an idea.

She used her dark gypsy ways to bring the statues to ...

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A UK businessman returns from Japan...

after spending a few weeks out there trying to gain some new clients and drum up new business.

During his trip he had some serious down time and got busy with a few of the local girls. One in particular seemed extremely satisfied during their encounter. She didn't speak a word of English but ...

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The pen is...

A teacher was wrapping up class for the day and started talking about the big final exam tomorrow.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition, natural disaster or an immediate family member's death.

To the delight of the whole class...

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Piano man

A piano blues player is hired to play in a club. He plays his first piece brilliantly to the delight of the manager and the crowd. The crowd goes wild. Everyone applauds him loudly. He is a genius. He stands up to thank the crowd and says "thank you ladies and gentlemen. That piece was called 'your ...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

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When Gays Have a Baby...

Two Gays decided to have a baby. They mix their sperms and have a surrogate mother inseminated with it. A baby is born.

They rush to the hospital. 12 babies were in the ward - 11 were crying, only 1 was smiling.

To their delight, the nurse says: It's your baby!

Gays: Isn't it a ...

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How The Government Works

One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father.

"Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Con...

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House Specialty

A man visiting Spain wants to try the local cuisine, and so walking down a side street, enters a random restaurant and orders the house specialty. The waiter retreats to the kitchen, and after a time, comes out with a plate loaded with rice pilaf, a green salad, and two large meaty objects.

"...

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3 Wishes

A man, having needed to clean his house for years, woke up one morning and thought to himself, "Ok, i'm not going to put this off any longer. I'm gonna fucking clean this place." So, in the midst of his cleaning spree, he stumbled upon a box that he had not seen before. Being curious, he haphazardly...

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The child must feed...

As she sat mewling and squawking beside me, I knew my offspring would need to eat again soon. I selected our next victim and pulled a long knife from its sheath. "This is tougher than I thought", I said, as I dug the knife hard into the thick skin. My offspring just smacked her lips in delight, ...

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A man went to Japan on business

A man went to Japan on business, and while there, decided to check out the Japanese prostitutes he'd heard so much about.

He goes to a brothel a friend had told him about and selects a girl of his liking. She takes him to a room and right before he's about to make love to this striking beaut...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

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Three men in the desert find a genie...

Three guys get trapped in a cave beneath the desert. They find a lamp with a genie. The genie offers each of them a chance to dive into a pool of their favorite drink.

One guy runs from a diving platform and yells "beer" and lands in a pool of beer. Another guy runs and yells "Sunny D" and l...

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The Man with an Orange for a Head

A guy walks into a bar. Half of his head is a giant orange. The bartender goes, "OH MY GOD, YOUR HEAD IS A GIANT ORANGE!"

Out of his half-mouth, the guy says, "Yeah, yeah, I know. Pour me a shot and I'll explain."

Confused, the bartender pours the guy a shot. The guy downs it and asks ...

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What's going on in the Vatican?

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.


One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick "I have extra soap in my room, I'll go ...

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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy

The therapist is blonde, petite, and tight as a drum.

She says to the men, "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I will suck your cock and let you cum in my mouth."

The first man stands up and stammers, "M-m-m-montana." He then sits down.

The next man says, "...

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The Lone Ranger's last request

The bad guys have captured the Lone Ranger, have him naked on the ground, and are about to shoot him. "Do you have any last wishes??", one of them asks, "Bring my horse, Silver, over here.", the Lone Ranger replies.

They grant his wish and over comes Silver. The Lone Ranger whispers for a mom...

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A man and a beautiful busty blonde are sitting on a train...

A man is sitting across from a beautiful busty blonde on a train, who is wearing a tiny mini skirt. To his delight he notices that she has no panties on The beautiful blonde notices him looking at her pussy and asks "Excuse me are you looking at my pussy?"

"Oh I am so sorry I promise not to ...

Jokes about Dad's new glasses

My Dad needs glasses for the first time. He's in his 50s and needs them for reading small print. Happens to most people with age. No biggie...
-
However, I have worn glasses from a young age and he mocked me mercilessly for being a specky four-eyes with neverending delight. So now I have my op...

A genie eh....

Walking through the Sahara a man stumbles upon a peculiar lamp. The man immediately assumes this lamp is magical and begins to rub, and to his surprise it worked and a genie appeared.

To the mans delight he immediately asks how many wishes he gets and to this the genie replied "you will rec...

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of th...