My friend once told me

You can’t enchant a hoe with loyalty!

A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

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My wife read a fantastic story of some guy’s adventurous life as a single man...

She sat across from me reading this enchanting story, and every word I was pulled in by the pure bravery this man encompassed! There were moments of cheering and tears flowing freely. “This man knew how to live!” I yelled! My Lawyer said to “shut the fuck up!” “Do you want to lose half your shit!...

A man visits an enchanted wishing well,

deep inside a forest. This well, unlike most wishing wells, had a peculiar quality: as well as granting wishes, it could talk. That made it, in some sense, alive.

So the man knelt in front of the well, and spake his wish: "Please, enchanted well. Grant me the wish of death upon the man who be...

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right?

She forgot to use Spell Check.

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I saw my friend Jim at the bar the other week looking almost exactly like Brad Pitt.

I came up to him and said.

"Jim! How'd you end up looking like that pal? Who's your surgeon?"

"No surgeon man, a wizard. He told me of this enchanted pool past the three mountains to the east. You will see a cliff with a pool underneath, jump off the cliff and shout what you want to l...

All these people getting pregnant at an early age....

Just enchant the condom with unbreaking III and you'll be fine

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

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A gorgeous nymphomaniac boarded a plane...

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Busin...

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a brave ranger who went on many adventures.

There was also an evil sorcerer named Danny who claimed he could enchant arrows to follow their targets. Mysteriously, anyone who made the journey to the sorcerer never came back. Of course, the ranger decided to make the journey, to figure out what was going on. He made sure to take an arrow as wel...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plan...

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A lonely man looked far and wide....

A lonely man looked far and wide for his true love.

He decided to travel the world in search for the fairest maiden in the land.

He went to France, and he found nothing.

He went to America, and he found nothing.

He went to Japan, and alas, he found nothing.

The man...

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

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An American man travels to Japan on business...

...and on his first night he visits a bar in Tokyo to experience the local nightlife. He meets an enchanting woman, and after several rounds of drinks and flirting, she accompanies him back to his hotel. They commence copulation, and in the throws of passion, the woman screams out "Machigatta ana! M...

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A man goes to see his urologist

about a problem he's having. "Well," says the doctor, "let's have a look at the little- Jesus Christ, that's quite the schlong you've got there!" - "Yeah, you see, it's 15 inches and scares the girls away. I'd really like to have it shortened by a few." The urologist contemplates the man's request s...

The old man, the prince, and the fish.

Once upon a time, there was a prince of a certain land, who wanted to be a lowly fisherman when he grew up. But try as he could, he couldn't ever catch a single fish. He had tried many methods, including nets, spears, and traps, but all to no avail.

Furthermore, he was looked down upon by the...

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

A British fellow just doesn't understand why people like cricket.

He tries, he tries so hard. He knows it's his national sport. He also doesn't care much for football and rugby, and always feels left out at the pub. Then one day, he comes in early for a pint, and there's this strange game on the screen. "What's that game up there, Albert?" Albert looks baffled, "w...

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

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It was a dark and starry night……

A man was driving down a road through a dark forest, when suddenly his car broke down. It was getting very late, so the man decided to scout the area on foot. He gets his flashlight and starts walking. He finds a monastery nearby. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car bro...

The Magic Mirror

3 women walk into a bar, a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead. The barkeep says that there's a rumor going around that the third mirror in the ladies restroom is enchanted, and if you say something true to it, it will grant you your hearts greatest desire. But beware, for if you lie, you will disappe...

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms
...

Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Que...

On a dark and stormy night...

...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.

No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt ...

A Date on the Beach

A man once took his sweetheart for a Valentine's Day picnic on the beach. All was going well, when suddenly they were attacked by nesting shorebirds. I guess you could say their enchanted evening took a tern for the worse.

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