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Devour Jokes

Did you know that a Siberian Tiger can absolutely devour a 7-year-old girl in just about 45 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the petting zoo, today...
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A black hole will devour the earth.

Sucks, doesn't it?
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Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
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A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...
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Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...
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Two cannibals are devouring Amy Schumer's corpse

One asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
Other cannibal answers, "nope"
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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

He was such a brutal fighter that, after slaying the tigress in the arena, he proceeded to devour her flesh. And he felt no remorse.

He was Gladiator.
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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

At first the Roman warrior felt remorse for devouring his wife, but in the end...

He was Gladiator.
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Actor Hugh Laurie was so fond of the works of Samuel Beckett that he once devoured an entire anthology of his poetry.

Hugh felt that he deserved to be a poet Laurie ate.
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A bear walks into a bar, calmly devours the lady sitting on the counter, and orders a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve druggies here.”

Bear: WTF?

Bartender: I just saw the barbituate.
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The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating.

It’s easier to collect life insurance than child support.
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No Bears in the Bars of Banff

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender:
“rrrrrrrr I’ll have a gin


. and tonic.”

The bartender says:
“Sorry we don’t serve bears in the bars of Banff”

So the bear roars and walks out.

The next day the bear walks into the bar and says:
“Rrrrrrrrr I’ll have...

I like my men like my teeth,

32 of them, indentured to me, and ready to devour any temptation I have on call.
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My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.
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A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared
..


. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...
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A guy walks into a bar with his monkey...

A guy walks into a bar with his monkey.

While at the bar, the monkey won't stop jumping from here and there, messing with the fridge, with the tables, eating food from people's tables devouring everything until a moment that he eats a pool ball.

The bartender said to the monkey's owner...

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

The Prodigal Vulture

Several years ago, in a very flat place called Kansas, there were two vultures named Beaksly and his son, Red. Life for these vultures was pretty simple. Wait for a predator or car to plow into an animal, then swoop in and devour the dead body.

However, Red was rapidly approaching what would ...
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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender responds, "We don't serve bears beer in this bar."

The bear rears back a little and growls, "I don't care. I'm a bear and I want a beer."

The bartender calmly replies, "I'm sorry, but as I said, we don't serve bears beer ...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...
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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

A crocodile is walking to the Roman Colosseum, where a gladiator duel is scheduled to take place.

Along the way, he runs into a serial killer.

The crocodile, being a crocodile, is unconcerned and promptly proceeds to devour her alive before continuing on his merry way to the Roman Colosseum.

He makes it there just fine, and enjoys a gladiatorial match for the ages- a feast for the ...
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A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...
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I was at a deli when the waitress asked me “What would you like?”

I said, “I want to DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

Waitress: What the fuck?

Me: Eggs. I want eggs.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trapped underground in a collapsed mine.

After some exploring of the area, they come across three rations of canned food that they all agree will allow them to survive for a few more days. Naturally, they all decide that each of them should have one of the three cans of food; unfortunately, none of them possess anything with which to open...
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Guy pulls into a road-side restaurant after a long day on the road.

Sits at the counter next to another guy, who's hovering over his bowl of chili. The guy is famished and is about to order food, when he leans in and asks the other guy hovering over the bowl, "Say, is that chili any good?"

The hovering guys responds, "Yes."

The traveler, slightly confu...

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...
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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...
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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so
dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...
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A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...
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A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...
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Roaming Zombie

A zombie was roaming through the woods looking for something to eat.

He came across two men - one sitting under a tree and reading a book, & the other typing away on his typewriter.

The zombie quickly pounced on the man reading the book and started to devour him.

Because eve...
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A dog went on a backpacking trip to Africa and decided he'd spend a few days in the safari

During one of the days he got lost when suddenly he saw a tiger lurking in the nearby woods. Knowing he had no chance escaping the tiger, he rushed over to a nearby pile of old bones. As the tiger approached ready to devour him for breakfast, the dog turned its back to the tiger, resiliently stuck a...

A couple go to a restaurant...

And when their food arrives, the husband says

"Wow, this looks great! Let's dig in!"

Without another word, he starts devouring his plate. Meanwhile his wife glares disapprovingly at him.

"At Home, you *always* say grace"

Swallowing, the husband replies.

"Honey, tha...
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An arrogant zebra insists there are no lions in the area.

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and haven’t arrive...
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There once was a Father and 3 sons

There were 3 brothers, who were the sons of a Father who could not say and. Each brother went by a different name according to their desires.

The oldest brother was a heavy asthmatic who craved air on the daily.

The middle brother was known across the world for his urge to use whateve...
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A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...
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The Blind Monk [OC]

In a monastery in Tibet I met a blind old monk.
I was looking for spiritual enlightenment, and he was willing to help me on my search.

He introduced himself as Yu and spoke only in third person.
We would sit together for long stretches saying nothing, before he would tell me stories fro...

A guy is having dinner with his girlfriend's parents for the first time

As he's about to devour the soup, he sees his mother in law looking at him with an angry face.

She says:

- When you're at home, don't you always pray before you start eating?

He answers:

- No ma'am, my mom is a really good cook.
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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the ki...
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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

At a circus there’s a calamity and two lions escape.

They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks “does this taste funny to you?”
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My favorite shaggy dog story to tell when I'm at the bar.

A fish is swimming out in a lake, when he sees a fly flitting around, 3 feet above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly comes down about 5 inches, I can eat it!", so he sits and waits.

A bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself, "When that fly comes down a few ...

A penguin goes on vacation.

A penguin has decided that he has had enough of the cold and wants to go on vacation.

He books his flight to a big city and rents out a car to go sight seeing.

After a while of him driving around his car starts making a weird noise.

He grows a bit concerned and takes it into the...
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A penguin driving through the desert

started to have car trouble, so he decided to drive to the nearest mechanic to get his car checked out. After he dropped his car off, he decided to walk down the block to get some ice cream, since it was a particularly hot day. Unfortunately, he was only able to devour about half of his vanilla cone...
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I work at a restaurant...

I work at a restaurant. A woman and her young son came walking through the door early in the morning.

I immediately approached after they were seated and asked,"What will it be today?"

The young boy was quick to exclaim,"I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!!!"

There was a long silence....
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Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...
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Two hungry hobos

Two hobos were walking along the railroad tracks bemoaning how long it had been since either one had eaten. They come across a racoon that had been half squished by a train, and one exclaims "Our luck has changed, we can split it!"

The second hobo demurred, "No thanks, I'm going to wait for a...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...
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So a man gets off work and is headed to his favorite diner for his favorite meal.

So one Friday, this guy gets off work and hes is really craving his usual Friday meal, some vegetable soup from his favorite diner. He arrives, sits down at his table and asks the waiter for the usual.

"One bowl of vegetable soup, please!" The waiter responds "I'm so sorry sir, but the gentle...
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I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...
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intelligent monkey

A Grandmother buys a bag of peanuts so her Grandson can feed the monkeys at the Zoo. Upon receiving a peanut one monkey inserted the hull rectally, nodded, then extracted and devoured it. The Grandmother informed the Head Zookeeper of the animals' aberrant behavior, saying " That monkey is either p...
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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

Hiker got lost in mountains

This is tranaslation of old joke from my country :

Hiker got lost in mountains. At evening, after whole day of walking, exhausted and hungry, he finds old sheep shepherd sitting in front of his hut. With his last strength, hiker ask"s old shepherd:

"Good man, I got lost in mountains a...
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Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...
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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

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R/news reminded me of this joke.

A man is visiting Spain for the first time. While dining out one night, he watches as a phalanx of waiters delivers a domed platter to the table next to his. There's much ceremony and fuss and he's very intrigued. He asks his own waiter what's going on.

"Señor, he has ordered The Trophy."...

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...
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I was eating lunch in the park...

...when all of a sudden a crow landed in front of me and promptly keeled over on its side. I set my lunch down and leaned forward to see what the matter was.

In that moment, an owl swooped in, plucked my sandwich off the bench, and carried it up to the treetop above me. Imagine my further sur...
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Disgusting joke

This guy gets released from jail. The first thing he wants to do is eat some pussy, he loves mowin pussy. So he takes what money he has and finds a hooker. They go back to a seedy hotel and he proceeds to devour her snatch. As he starts he finds a bread crum, but flicks it aside hardly noticing. The...

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A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.
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A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra...

A man walks into a drugstore asking for viagra,

The pharmacist says he has two kinds, one that costs $20 and one that costs $30

The man asks for the one that costs $30, opens the bottle and pops a pill. He pulls out a credit card to pay and the pharmacist says

“Sorry, we don’t...

Three little pigs walk into a restaurant

They are seated at a table. After a few minutes to look at the menu, they decide to start with some appetizers. The waiter asks the pigs what they will have.

"I'll start with some chips and salsa," the first pig replies.
"I will begin with some mozzarella sticks," the second pig says. "Wat...
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My Vietnamese neighbor brought me some pho

A Vietnamese woman recently moved in next door. I guess she wanted to make friends so she brought me a bowl of pho. She didn’t say anything and smiled, so I assumed she didn’t speak English.

That night, I devoured the Vietnamese delicacy but quickly realized it gave me a cold, as I was coughi...
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Frank the penguin is driving down the highway in his convertible, with the top down, enjoying the cool breeze on a hot summer day when he notices that his “check engine” light is on.

He pulls over into the nearest auto body shop, and after a few minutes of inspection, the mechanic tells him that there’s something up with the oil and it should only be about 30-35 minutes.

“You have some time to kill, why don’t you head into town for a few minutes?” the mechanic suggests. “...

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A man orders some chili

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a bowl of chili. The bartender says "I'm sorry, the old man next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and see's the old man reading the paper and a full bowl of chili sitting in front of him, so he orders a drink and some wings, even though he real...

Why do we call lady parts beavers?

Because they devour wood.
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Clint Eastwood turns up to his grandaughter's 5th birthday party...

Knowing that she loves the circus, he presents her with a stunning custom-made clown cake.



She is absolutely delighted and claps her hands with glee.



The party is almost over, Clint and the little girl are the only ones left in the kitchen and they decide to finish wha...
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A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer...

The bartender tells him he doesn't serve bears in his establishment. The bear's had a hard day at work and is in a nasty mood: "Look pal, I work just as hard as you do, I just wanna relax, gimme a beer right now or I'll go eat that chick at the end of the bar there. Try me." Bartender: "Go ahead, fu...

A man stops for chili

A guy driving along sees a diner with a sign that reads all you can eat chili for 5$
The man loves chili so he stops. As he sits down the waitress asks what’ll it be? He says I’ll have the chili. The waitress says sorry sir we’re currently out of chili but here’s a menu.
As the man looks over ...
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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

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So the popular joke of the morning is the whale blowjob.... I got you!

So a couple of years ago two sharks were swimming along and came across a small party boat that was sinking. One shark says to the other, lets swim around and show them one fin, that will scare them. So they make a few laps, sure enough giving the party on board a good scare. The sharks hang around ...

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A Guy Walks Into a Bar With a Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down at the bar, orders a drink, and immediately the monkey is running all around the bar, causing havoc. Before long, the monkey jumps over to the bar, grabs a bowl of pretzels, and gobbles them down without hesitation. Next, the monkey devours an ...

A young missionary on his first term in Africa..

..was reading his bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down on his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his bible. As soon as he did, the two lions...
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The two whales.

In the latter part of the 19th century two whales were swimming along in the sea. Otetiani, a boy whale, and Orenda, a girl whale.

As they swam along they saw in the distance a whaling ship. Upon seeing the ship Orenda became very nervous knowing that the ship meant death for her and Otet...

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

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An alligator walks into a bar...

An alligator walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says "sorry, we don't serve alligators here."

The alligator is pissed and goes out and puts on a huge hat and trench coat to hide his identity. He comes back in to order a beer.

Bartender sees through the goofy disguise and s...

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*LONG* 3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals.

3 men went jungle tracking, got lost and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They all pleaded with the tribe leader to let them go.

Since Christmas is around the corner, the tribe leader is in a good mood and promise to let them go if they can individually complete 2 task given by the tribe lea...

A velociraptor on long island...

I made this up the other day. I don't have high hopes but what the hell:

One day a velociraptor moved to Long Island. He was sick of life in the jungle and decided to try new things. Walking down the street one day, the velociraptor noticed a 'Help Wanted' sign resting on a diner window. Thi...
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Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

A Czech and a French decide to go hunting together.

They happen across two lions mating and slowly back away. Things don't go as planned, and the lions suddenly notice them, each going after a hunter. A park ranger nearby witnesses this act, and shoots both lions, but not before the lions have already devoured their meals. He cuts open the female lio...
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A research group was engaged in a study..

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, thi...
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So a penguin is driving his car (yeah, deal with it)

All of a sudden he hears some strange noises coming from the engine. He pulls into the nearest mechanic's garage. The mechanic says he'll just need some time to figure out what the issue is. The penguin walks outside and notices an ice cream parlor across the street. He decides that he could grab a ...
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The Balls of the Bull

A man from Texas takes a trip to Spain. The first night of his trip he goes to a Tapas Bar. His waiter comes over and the Texan says "Bring me the meatiest most delicious dish you have".

The waiter returns with two enormous meatballs covered in unctuous sauce. He devours them and asks the wa...

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A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods...

A black man and a Czechoslovakian man are walking in the woods when they are attacked by a bear. They take off running, and naturally the black man outruns the Czechoslovakian man. The bear tears the Czechoslovakian man apart and devours him.

The black man frantically sprints all the way to t...

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