This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

Pleasure and pain

Q: what's the difference between pleasure and pain?

A: about an inch..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble”, he replied.

“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said she want's to try some condom's with something inside to increase her pleasure.

I said "what is that" she said "other men's dick's"

What do you call the odd pleasure a particle physicist feels when watching a dwarf chug a beer?

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.

Just got back from a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

Pleasure was blowing bubbles

Bubbles came in Pleasure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the man say to the prostitute after they had sex?

“Pleasure doing business with you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magic Wand.

A man and a woman lived in the outskirts of a city. The man was a famous magician who would often go on tours to various cities. This time the tour was longer than usual.

The man and his wife had a very strange but a meaningful relationship. Being very paranoid, the man made his wife promise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave.

Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I
asked her what she expected to earn.

The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is
four hundred a week."

I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.

The temp shook her head and replied, "With 'pleasure'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my all time favourites.... makes me laugh every single time.

Mr. Sullivan, the most arrogant man who could do no wrong, was on top of Mrs Sullivan, trying his best to please her. His butler was holding a dim lit lantern as the lights were out and the Sullivan's didn't like the darkness.

Somewhat tired, he asked mrs Sullivan "How good was it?"

"...

During the Cold War, a British officer goes into a Cologne brothel.

He stands smartly at ease in front of the madame and says "*Guten abend*! May I enquire what your payment might be for the pleasure of my company?"

She looks him up and down, considers his rank and the likely size of his pay packet, and says "*Herr Hauptmann*, two hundred and fifty Deutschmar...

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crude Limerick I heard on a stream once

There once was a man named Keith,

Who gave circumcisions with his teeth.

It wasn’t for leisure,

Or sexual pleasure,

But to get to the cheese underneath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot crashes his plane into the Pacific Ocean..

He wakes up to find that he has washed up on a sandy beach. After some exploration he finds that he is on a small island covered with fruit bearing trees and plants, enough for him to survive indefinitely. He also finds that he is not alone as there happens to be two dogs with him on the island....

People think Jacking off is all pleasure...

but it has its ups and downs.

It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Asda installed a medical kiosk, for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.


He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pirate pick-up lines

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and p...

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anniversary fantasy

A man and wife were married for almost 15 years but their sexual life was lacking. The husband desperately wanted to please his wife so he said,

“honey whenever we have sex you don’t seem to be having any pleasure, tell me your fantasy, anything and I’ll do it”

She says “Well... there ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

settling a dispute

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of soun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs Hawking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual pleasure is a two way road

You scratch my back

I put my finger in your ass

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

having sex for pleasure

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.

I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman ordered a dildo on Amazon and it finally arrived and she couldn't wait to use it.....

It was called The Magic Dildo. The instructions said that all you have to do is say "Magic dildo my vagina" and then it will do its thing.

So she eagerly said "Magic dildo my vagina" and sure enough the dildo floated in the air and flew up her skirt and started giving her pleasure.

I...

A re-written joke from this sub

A guy in this late twenties is sitting at a bar alone, when he sees a woman sitting across the bar. She's attractive for her age, but she's probably around 60 the guy guesses.
He finds his mind wondering, thinking if she was 20 years younger she'd be an absolute dime. And as he is in this imagin...

I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive

I wish I'd never got into autoerotic procrastination.

A priest, an Irishman and a silver ladle

An Irishman named O'Neill had to travel to London for a few days for work. As he didn't know anyone there or knew where to stay he was told by a friend to stay at the house of a priest, Father Jameson.

So the Irishman O'Neill stayed at Father Jameson's house and on the first night at the di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to a bar and sits down. He puts a frog on the bar next to him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog sits next to him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "what's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and says, "this is my pet frog. He's very spec...

My girlfriend and I don't have a vibrator, but she'd love to use one in the bedroom.

I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if you guys wanna actually pleasure a woman for once, drop a comment or two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress un...

What do you call a pickle when you use it to pleasure yourself?

A dill-do.

TIFU by getting my girlfriend a fake leather couch.

I should have known she wanted me to "pleasure" her.

Damn her and her lisp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards...

It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country.

Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time.

Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating masturbating Master Bating

What's the difference between a hoe and a businessman?

The businessman says "pleasure to do business with you" and the hoe says "business to do pleasure with you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my pleasure to tell you what month it is...

May is International Masturbation Month!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

It's my quilty pleasure.

What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business trip or pleasure?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

Three old admirals

After a tour of the nation's newest carriers and submarine,the three admirals got together to make small talk where it got to the topic of their wives.

"I'm a three star admiral and when we get rubbing together, it takes me up to half mast and need to play 'anchors aweigh' to get full. So i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since self quarantine, masturbation has doubled among the population...

You know what they say desperate times call for desperate pleasures...

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't want to admit they were pleasured by a piece of meat.

Not sure if this could be called a joke

One just died and was born into a truly beautiful place, surrounded with all sorts of unimaginable pleasures. A man in a white robe came to greet him and said, "You can have everything you want - food, pleasure, entertainment."

He was so happy, and all day he tried all the things he had dream...

There are THREE rules...

A man finds a bottle on the beach. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie.

The genie tells the man, "I will grant you three wishes, but I have three very important rules. First, you cannot kill anyone. Second, you cannot make people fall in love. Third, you cannot raise anyone from the dead."...

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Office Toilet

You know I hate it when I'm in the office toilet and someone let's rip with an all-mighty shart.

There's like mega fart and bubbles and groans and pleasure.

Then I'm like "Do you mid keeping that down. I'm trying to have a wank over here!!!"

The Priest: "All sinful pleasures lead to hell my child"

Me: "I guess Hell will be a godamn party hall, sign me up"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave

Sometimes you do none of the work

Sometimes you have to pay the person filling

Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old couple had been dating for a couple of months... Long NSFW

After a night of dinner and a movie they went back to the lady’s house and things started escalating from there. As they were making out and getting friskier by the moment the lady said to the man that it’d been a very long time since a man has pleasured her orally. Wanting to please her the man mad...

"I find pleasure in the little things"...

...Said the pedofile to the court.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the gym one day where he over hears a man on a tread mill talking about how workouts are a real pain in the ass. Little Johnny asks the man what that means, the man replies with “ oh it is just an add on used to give something more meaning”

So later that day Johnny goes...

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw three sapiens bathing together with pleasure on their faces

No homo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.

Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure...

...I'm a master baiter

What do you call a group of people arguing about methods of self-pleasure?

Mass-debaters.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.