David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “wo...

People think Jacking off is all pleasure...

but it has its ups and downs.

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A man had an odd fetish for kitchen appliances, and he managed to find a way to derive sexual pleasure using a toaster. He called it the "toaster pleasure".

After a bit more exploration in his kitchen, he managed to derive pleasure from masturbating while using a blender, which he called "blender pleasure".

Hoping he would get the same results from using a cheese grater, he gave it a try.

There was no grater pleasure.

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

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My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

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What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?

A non-dairy creamer.

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

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Sexual pleasure is a two way road

You scratch my back

I put my finger in your ass

My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:

Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have t...

It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

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What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive

I wish I'd never got into autoerotic procrastination.

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking.

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“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

What do you call a pickle when you use it to pleasure yourself?

A dill-do.

What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

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A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating masturbating Master Bating

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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Business trip or pleasure?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

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The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, th...

The Priest: "All sinful pleasures lead to hell my child"

Me: "I guess Hell will be a godamn party hall, sign me up"

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

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Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave

Sometimes you do none of the work

Sometimes you have to pay the person filling

Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards...

It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country.

Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time.

Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub wit...

"I find pleasure in the little things"...

...Said the pedofile to the court.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

What do you call a group of people arguing about methods of self-pleasure?

Mass-debaters.

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What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other orally?

Coonilingus

I just got back from a pleasure trip

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

How do you pleasure a capitalist?

An invisible handjob.

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I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure...

...I'm a master baiter

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What did the sailor say to the prostitute?

It was a business doing pleasure with you.

The pleasure is all mine...

The greeting of a greedy hedonist.

I arranged a surprise for my wife's birthday. I put a blindfold on her and took her by the hand upstairs.

Once the blindfold was removed her view was this: me on the bed naked, surrounded by petals and candles, my legs separated enough for her to see the trimmed bush, the throbbing male organ.



A gentle music played.



"I'm ready to pleasure you," I purred, my come hither fing...

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Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She repl...

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Head larger than the shaft

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure d...

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Milking Machine

A guy visited his farmer friend at his farm. He saw the farmer milking the cows then the guy told him, how the hell you still use your hands for milking the cows!!! There are milking machines out there. It save time, efforts and cleaner. The farmer was convinced and both of them went to the city and...

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Two guys are fucking a briefcase.

One finishes and says to the other "It's been a pleasure doing business with you."

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

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It's hard to imagine someone getting any pleasure from beastiality...

but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

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A US Navy cruiser is anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-m...

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Glans

There has been a study at Cambridge University to determine why men have a knob (glans) on the end of of their dicks.

They spent £1.000.000 and announced that it is there to give women pleasure.

When Oxford uni saw this they did some research, cost £2.000.000 and determined that it is ...

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

A Real Bad Day !

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.

But once his pants were around his ankles, she pulled out a g...

I f*ck like a gentleman.

The pleasure's all mine.

Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five mi...

A user is new to Reddit.

His friend—who is a longtime user—agrees to show him around the site. They go to r/jokes, and the user simply posts “7.”

Immediately, people begin upvoting and commenting their approval. The new user is puzzled.

The Reddit veteran then posts “13,” much to the pleasure of the sub. The p...

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The F**king Tree (NSFW)

A man moves to a new town and looks for work. A couple of days pass by and he manages to find a job as a lumberjack. Only problem is, it's is a live-in position. Since the forest is located on the outskirts of the city, the man would be required to move out to the log cabin there and stay on premise...

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

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Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

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The farmer and the vagrant

A vagrant is travelling when a massive rain storm hits, he sees a farm on the horizon so decides to ask the farm if he could use his barn for the night.

The farmer agrees on 1 condition, "Whatever you do dont put you dick in the 3 holes."

During the night curiousity fills the vagrants ...

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I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

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Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

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The cursed toy (NSFW)

Jim needs to go on a business trip for a few weeks, but he has a nympho of a wife. Being the loving husband he is, he needs to find a way to keep his wife happy while he is away.

He comes up with an idea and goes to a small odds and ends shop in his city to get what his wife needs. When he wa...

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

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A professor is giving a talk about sex..

Addressing the crowd, he stands up.

"It gives me great pleasure..."

Then he sits down.

A rip-roaring surprise!!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I knew I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

Have you ever tried shredding cheese yourself?

There is no grater pleasure.

Son: Dad what is 69?

Dad: Hmmm... well son, it is a position where a man and a woman pleasure each other orally at the same time.

Son: So. What shall I write? Odd or even?

Dad:....

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One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

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