This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

​

1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual pleasure is a two way road

You scratch my back

I put my finger in your ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend thought putting almonds in his fleshlight would increase the pleasure

Turns out he was just fucking nuts.

What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?

A non-dairy creamer.

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:

Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive

I wish I'd never got into autoerotic procrastination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.

Fingers crossed.

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking.

What do you call a pickle when you use it to pleasure yourself?

A dill-do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my pleasure to tell you what month it is...

May is International Masturbation Month!

What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating masturbating Master Bating

It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Business trip or pleasure?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards...

It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country.

Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time.

Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his ...

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave

Sometimes you do none of the work

Sometimes you have to pay the person filling

Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

"I find pleasure in the little things"...

...Said the pedofile to the court.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.

A lonely young guy driving cross-country picked up a stunning female hitchhiker.


Out in the middle of the desert, she started coming on to him. When she offered him some oral pleasure, he pulled over to the side of the road.


But once his pants were around his ankles, she pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw three sapiens bathing together with pleasure on their faces

No homo

I just got back from a pleasure trip

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other orally?

Coonilingus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

How do you pleasure a capitalist?

An invisible handjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure...

...I'm a master baiter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The F**king Tree (NSFW)

A man moves to a new town and looks for work. A couple of days pass by and he manages to find a job as a lumberjack. Only problem is, it's is a live-in position. Since the forest is located on the outskirts of the city, the man would be required to move out to the log cabin there and stay on premise...

The pleasure is all mine...

The greeting of a greedy hedonist.

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's hard to imagine someone getting any pleasure from beastiality...

but that doesn't stop me from trying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins

They must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life.
The alchoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke.
The three men face their punishments happil...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cursed toy (NSFW)

Jim needs to go on a business trip for a few weeks, but he has a nympho of a wife. Being the loving husband he is, he needs to find a way to keep his wife happy while he is away.

He comes up with an idea and goes to a small odds and ends shop in his city to get what his wife needs. When he wa...

A rip-roaring surprise!!

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I knew I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they decide to go to the doctors.
After tests, the doctor suggests that Paddy's wife may be overheating during sex.
Paddy refuses to purchase a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during intercourse. After 20 minutes of wafting ...

Have you ever tried shredding cheese yourself?

There is no grater pleasure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor is giving a talk about sex..

Addressing the crowd, he stands up.

"It gives me great pleasure..."

Then he sits down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Random Sailor Stumbled Into A Pub

Upon entering he was quickly stared down by everyone in a relentless awe. As he pulled up a stool to the bar to order the strongest drink he could buy, the bartender said, damn it maan, what the hell happened to you!? The sailor looked up exposing fully his very small almost shrunken head right atop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

Condoms galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.


Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.


Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.


Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.


Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.


Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night a lone cowboy rode into a small town. He immediately went to the only saloon in town and ordered a drink.

While drinking he asked the bartender if there was a room and any women around. The bartender told him he had a room for rent and then glanced over to his friends drinking at another table.

They decided to play a joke on the cowboy. As the evening drug on, the cowboy became very drunk but was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

Son: Dad what is 69?

Dad: Hmmm... well son, it is a position where a man and a woman pleasure each other orally at the same time.

Son: So. What shall I write? Odd or even?

Dad:....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are frog dicks the best?

They ribbit for your pleasure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.

His first night in town, he had a hooker come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in sex, the hooker kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the hooker was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British Officer at a Frontier Post

In 1869, a young British officer, prim and proper, arrives at his new garrison post in the northwest frontier of British India. His commander gives him a tour of the somewhat dilapidated fort, and of its surrounding local villages.
"You see", says the commanding officer, "it's mostly camels ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a pornstar say good bye to a client?

Nice business doing pleasure with you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone has to masturbate to survive?

Self pleasure-vation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful woman.

He sat down next to her and said “Hello there, what‘s your name”. She replied “Carmen, it’s my own name. I gave it to myself, it’s a combination of my two favourite things in life, cars and men.” The man replied “Well in that case it’s a pleasure to meet you Carmen, I’m B.J Titsandarse”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.