My wife asked if I still pleasure myself... So I decided to answer honestly...

She was kind of upset, so I tried to come up with a good analogy to explain it and smooth things over. So I said:

Sometimes you get hungry, and a nice steak dinner would be awesome. First you have to let it come to room temp, season it, sear it, let it rest. While you're doing that you have t...

I waste so much time trying to strangle myself for pleasure when I should be being productive

I wish I'd never got into autoerotic procrastination.

You only need 2.5 inches to pleasure a woman

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a horny baker use to pleasure themselves?

They use a Dill-Dough

It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

What do you call a pickle when you use it to pleasure yourself?

A dill-do.

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking.

What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem?

A cruiseade.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's my pleasure to tell you what month it is...

May is International Masturbation Month!

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A large discussion is held about a car manufacturer coaxing young Mr. Bating while he pleasures himself.

Mass debating Mazda bating masturbating Master Bating

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having sex for pleasure

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.

I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

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“That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.” -Henry David Thoreau

Masturbation

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

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The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, th...

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Business trip or pleasure?

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures

Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that Motherfucker upside the head!

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Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the
colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his ...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

The Priest: "All sinful pleasures lead to hell my child"

Me: "I guess Hell will be a godamn party hall, sign me up"

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...

Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.

How does the Karate Kid pleasure himself?

Wax off

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One of life's greatest pleasures is watching your wedding video backwards...

It starts off with lots of sex in a far flung exotic country.

Then you move on to a massive party, surrounded by your family and your best friends, getting drunk and having a great time.

Then you take off that ring, walk back down the aisle, leave the church, and go back to the pub wit...

What is a shark's guilty pleasure?

A mouth full of seamen.

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Sexual Pleasure is like a gas station

Sometimes you just fill up and leave

Sometimes you do none of the work

Sometimes you have to pay the person filling

Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

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There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog...

"I find pleasure in the little things"...

...Said the pedofile to the court.

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was...

How do Jamaicans pleasure themselves?

Rastabation

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids.

One afternoon three women were out shopping with their three young kids. Before leaving, they happen to notice a fortune-teller shop across the mall. Two of the women thought it would be a fun way to end their outing while the third one was a bit more skeptical. After a moment of debating, they all ...

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What do you call it when trash pandas pleasure each other orally?

Coonilingus

How do you pleasure a capitalist?

An invisible handjob.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

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Penis study

For whatever reason, Saudi Arabia decided to fund a study to find out why the penis had the shape it does. Specifically the larger head at the end. After a significant investment and several months, Saudi Arabia conclude that it was to enhance the mans pleasure.

Due to ongoing tensions, Canad...

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I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure...

...I'm a master baiter

The pleasure is all mine...

The greeting of a greedy hedonist.

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A study down under

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleas...

I just got back from a pleasure trip

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

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It's hard to imagine someone getting any pleasure from beastiality...

but that doesn't stop me from trying.

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Since you like NSFW jokes here is one from Egypt

Once upon a time there was a king who used to fuck his wife in a room putting a black servant beside them to cool the air using a plastic fan but the king's dick was small and the wife complained about getting no pleasure so he told the black servant to replace the roles and the wife was in great pl...

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

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Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

Because they don't like to admit that a piece of meat can give them so much pleasure.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"..........

Last night my date asked me, "So, do you have any guilty pleasures? Don't be shy, you can tell me!"

I hesitated for a bit then said, "Well, sometimes when I'm masturbating I like to stick my thumb up my arse. If I'm feeling really kinky I use my whole fist. How about you?"

She repl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old couple are sitting on their porch side by side in rocking chairs

Out of nowhere, the little old woman reaches over and smacks her husband across the face.

He looks at her in shock and goes, "What the hell was that for?!"

"That's for having a tiny dick to pleasure me with for the past 60 years!"

They go back to rocking back and forth in their ...

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A man walked into a bar and saw a beautiful woman.

He sat down next to her and said “Hello there, what‘s your name”. She replied “Carmen, it’s my own name. I gave it to myself, it’s a combination of my two favourite things in life, cars and men.” The man replied “Well in that case it’s a pleasure to meet you Carmen, I’m B.J Titsandarse”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when someone has to masturbate to survive?

Self pleasure-vation

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Wife dies due to misunderstanding

Jim had met the woman of his dreams, a beautiful woman from India. After a brief courtship they got married. As Jim was old fashioned they had intercourse for the first time in their wedding night.
Jim was understandably excited to be with his beautiful wife for the first time and was anxious ...

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DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've fi...

Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.

Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in ...

A new recruit has joined the navy...

A new recruit has joined the navy, and he's being given a tour of the ship. After the tour, the recruit asks the captain...

"But where can I go to pleasure my self?".

So the captain walks the recruit to a room at the back of the ship. The room had a single barrel, with a hole on the si...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A very fat man wants to lose weight

A very fat man wants to lose weight. After many failed attempts, he sees an ad:

Lose weight with pleasure!! Guaranteed results!!

Three diferrent packages:
Begginer: 20 pounds in 5 days
Intermediate: 40 pounds in 3 days
Advanced: 60 pounds in only 1 day!
...

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

Hugo meets a fantastic girl, and - curiously - she agrees to go on a date with him

Soon, Hugo and Phyllida are an item. They go to parties together, concerts, long walks on Sunday. It's great.

Then one day, Hugo is out shopping with his big sister Roberta, and he remembers that Phyllida works in the big menswear shop in town.

He's a bit anxious about mixing business...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

Arrested at the airport

I’m a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me “are you here for business or pleasure”
I responded “I’m here for the new 911”

Saul the Dreamer (An Old Yiddish Joke from Centuries Back)

Here's one that's long, but probably not a repost.


Once upon a time there lived a man whose name was Saul the Dreamer. Saul was a man of roving and adventurous disposition, always ready to travel and explore. One day, an itinerant maggid told him about a far away country where onions w...

Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed

Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.

What do you say to a hooker as she's leaving?

It's been a business doing pleasure with you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Scylla and Charybdis had just finished a torrid session of passionate love-making... [long]

Charybdis looked at Scylla afterward with a wary glance...

"Scylla, I think we just made a huge mistake."

"Oh, Charybdis, don't get your vortex in a tizzy. We're immortal and timeless, incapable of shame, immune to regret, and above such petty things as consequences."

"But Scyll...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to grow my beard long enough so that I can tie it around my dick and masturbate by nodding my head.

Meetings at work are going to be a real pleasure.

Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.

I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.

All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.

"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a gentleman waiting to use the restroom...

...in a classy establishment, but the occupant was taking his time.

​

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir", she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touc...

A man and a woman were dating. NSFW

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow-driving habits. "I can't stand it anymor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

An English athlete, a French athlete, and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

"Don't get me wrong," says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea."

"You Englishmen," snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest p...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chicken walks into a bar..

..and orders five flagons of mead. After the fourth alcoholic beverage, the bartender asks him..

  

"Hey buddy why the long fac..oh wait not a horse lol."

  

The chicken gulps down his fifth drink and laments.

  

"You see, that ott...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

A guy comes home to his wife

It's a warm summers day, so the front door is left open.

The man finds his wife standing by the kitchen counter with her back turned, working on dinner, wearing nothing but a short, yellow sundress.

Without saying a word, he steps over to her, drops his pants and gently lifts up her dr...

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[nsfw] Voodoo Dick (Long)

Lucia popped into her local South American produce shop on the way home from work (it was enchilada night). While browsing she got a call from her bff Natalie and spent some time talking about the recent divorce, and her lack of sex life. Shortly after hanging up, she was approached by the store cle...

I took my son the park to play when we stumbled across two dogs mating.....

My son being the adorable curious little guy he is stopped stared and asked me

“what are them doggies doing daddy?”

Now me being a modern father wanted to enlighten my boy with real world facts and information....... however also being an easily embarrassed stumbling fool of a man I bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

This guy was with a hooker for the first time. .

She took him into her room and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have any suggestions?"

She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe 69?"

He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."

As they were engaged in a 69, th...

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

Three anthropologists get captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chieftain proclaims to them: "You shall head out into the jungle, and each bring me a dozen pieces of any one fruit, or else we will eat you!"

The three head out. After an hour, the first one returns, carrying 12 Bananas. The chief looks at them with pleasure and says: "And now I want you...

Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa?

Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!

Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!

Mom: My pleasure Alan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hitler dies and goes to hell...

As he arrives, Satan greets him.

"Welcome to hell, Hitler." He says. "You deserve a place here for your actions. I will show you 3 rooms, and you'll have to switch places with the person inside the room. Now, follow me please."

Hitler stays silent and follows Satan. They walk into a co...

Traditional Indian Joke (Americanized)

There is a man named Paul and a man named Edwin. They enjoy each other's company very much. One day, Edwin asks Paul and his wife over to his house. Paul acts very politely and is overall a pleasure to be with. Edwin, in his own house, belches out loud and is rude to his wife. The next day, Paul ask...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy was going abroad for his job

He didn't want his lady love to feel sexually left out when he wasn't present and make love with other men.

So he gifted her the magic dildo.

The magic dildo had remarkable capabilities. All you had to do was say "Magic dildo" followed by where you wanted it to insert itself and it wo...