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Resort Jokes

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

A man discovers a strange tradition at a resort

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.
“Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’”
The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were...

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

Who is the most eligible guy at a nudist resort?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand. And a dozen donuts.



Who is the most eligible woman at a nudist resort?

The one who can eat the last donut.

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

Did you hear about the luxury resort leper colony?

Apparently it costs an arm and a leg to go there.

Al, Ben, and Carl were going on a trip to a ski resort. But there was only one room left at the resort, and it had only one bed.

Reluctantly, the three agreed to share the bed. Al slept on the left side of the bed, Ben slept on the right side, and Carl slept in the middle.

The next morning at breakfast, Al said, "You know, last night I had the loveliest dream. A gorgeous female ski instructor was giving me the best han...

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Three guys go to a luxury resort for a business siminar

This resort happens to have a very high end golf course so they each bring their clubs in the hopes of getting in a round if they get some free time. As luck would have it midweek the day's activities end at lunchtime. So they grab their clubs and head to the clubhouse to see about getting a tee t...

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One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

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Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

I was at a ski resort for a psychiatry convention

I've never seen so many Freudians slip

I figured out why ski resorts are so funny.

They're hillareas

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

My local ski resort was ripped off last week for around $900.

The robber stole a burger, two beers, and some chips.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

The Ski Resort

Three guys go to a ski resort, and when they get there, there is only one bed they all have to share.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the left wakes up and says he had a weird dream of getting a handjob, the guy on the right then wakes up and says the same thing.

The guy in th...

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you...

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

Why is Blizzard so quick to resort to censorship?

Because they're nothing more than a bunch of snowflakes.

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

A joke my Dad made up (says lots bout Dad): A philosopher and a nudist are at a beach resort...

The philosopher asks the nudist, "have you read marx? And the nudist replies, "why, yes! But I think it's the wicker chairs."

Edit:
completely possible my Dad heard it somewhere else, or perhaps it came to him originally like the many other examples posted. Gotta trust yo pops tho.

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I used to be a prostitute at a Mexican golf resort.

They called me hole in Juan.

[OC] That new resort is so inclusive...

...even their Airport code is LGB.

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Sitting in the sand at the nudist resort, I wondered,

What's all the fuss about anal beaching?

A Canadian was at an all-inclusive resort and was being a good guest by tipping the bartender.

However, he was really just using it as a opportunity to unload his old Canadian Tire money.

This went on all week until the last day. He approached bar, but his favourite bartender was not there. When he asked about him, he got some shocking news.

"I'm sorry sir, he didn't show up for...

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

A Pharoah makes a reservation at a ski resort...

Pharaoh: I'd like to make a reservation for two please.

Attendant: Absolutely. Can I get your name please.

Pharoah: "Neferneferuaten"

Attendant: ...can you spell that out for me?

Pharaoh: Bird, double triangle, wavy line, dog head, more bird, flames..."

On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.

Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first....

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

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What did Batman eventually resort to fighting crime with?

A 12 year old Dick.

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. ....

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watc...

As a concierge at a posh resort....

... I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly ...

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A man and his wife are at a golf resort...

He tries to teach his wife how to swing a club
"I already know how to hit a ball, watch this" she replies. She takes a big swing and hits the ball, the ball soars in the air and goes through a window of a mansion which happens to be at the resort. "Shit, we have to go apologize" says the husband...

Cannibalism was the last resort but I had no other choice

I'm just bummed I can't walk anymore

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

Did you hear about the stubborn lion who refused to resort to cannibalism?

He ended up swallowing his pride.

Did you hear about the guys from Smash Mouth? Apparently they are all broke and have resorted to eating...

hey now.

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An 85-year old man is on a vacation at a nude resort

An 85-year old man is on a vacation at a nude resort. As he strolls along butt naked, a gorgeous blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. She sees it and asks "Sir, did you call for me?"

"No, what do you mean?" asks the man?

"Ah, you must be new here. We have a rule her...

Did you hear about the couple's resort that burned down?

Not a single person died.

The US government has resorted to jailing political dissidents using fake accusations

Reports say they were arrested on Trump'ed up charges.

My girlfriend and I have been really stressed and having some issues so we decided to take a mini vacation, a weekend trip to a ski resort.

Everything started off well, but things went downhill really fast.

I killed an extraordinarily large mouse with a bat

Needless to say I’m no longer allowed at Walt Disney resorts no more

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean.

They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

Double Cross

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told...

With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper.

These Times are rough.

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Did you hear about the new winter resort that caters exclusively to men with erectile disfunction?

It's called Lake Flaccid.

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A Couple Go on Their Honeymoon

A man and his new bride check into a resort lodge in Alaska. The resort manager/park ranger checks them in, tells them to let him know if they need anything, and wishes they congratulations and a happy stay.

The first night, while the park ranger is making his rounds, he sees the husband sit...

A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager.

"Manager," he says, "there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"

The manager replies: "Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes...

A politically incorrect joke about language

Investors want to make a holiday resort on an uninhabited island. They hire 3 experts to get life going there.

To the Frenchman they say, "you are in charge of cuisine".

To the German they say, "you are in charge of accommodation".

To the Finn they say, "you are in charge of su...

My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life

She always tells people that I was her last resort.

What do you call it when you second guess your decision to book a stay at a Native American resort?

A reservation reservation reservation.

Credit to Brian Regan, this is my favorite joke of his!

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

Cremation...

...my last resort to become hot.

I was walking down the street today, and noticed a woman screaming at her son. How do you lose a cello, it's as big as you are? Where could you have possibly lost it, tell me or so help me.

I walked up to the woman, and said for the sake of your son, please do not resort to violins.

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of his first day on the slopes, he decided to knock back a few drinks at the resort tavern.

After consuming six whiskeys he turned around and spotted a big, stuffed animal head with large antlers.

"Hey barkeep," he said. "What the hell is that over there?"

The bartend...

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

A couple is celebrating their 25th anniversary

They go to a beautiful, exotic resort by the sea. While the wife gets ready for dinner, the husband strolls down the beach when he trips over a lamp sticking out of the sand. The man rubs the lamp, and sure enough a genie appears.

After a couple of minutes of chatting, the genie proclaims, “...

A hunter tribe in Siberia catches a Camel.

They kill it, and wonder what it is. To find out, they ask the best hunter.

He answers "It is not a fox, it is not a rabbit. Ask the chief of the tribe, he might know".

They ask the chief.

He says, "Not a reindeer, and not a seal. I don't know what it is".

As a last re...

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

The reality of dating....

Young kids use a dating app on their phone.

Older kids use a dating website on their computers.

Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.

Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.

Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

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Tom dies and wakes up in a strange place.

He looks around and sees beautiful surroundings, as if he's at a 5 star resort.

A man in a red outfit walks up to him and says, "Hey buddy, welcome to Hell! I'm the Devil!"

Tom looks around, confused. "Um...I didn't think this was going to be what hell looks like?"

The Devil say...

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

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I love to fish

A man comes back from his honeymoon and is telling his friend about it, the friend asks "Where did you go on your honeymoon?" He replies "Lake Watahaxie". His friend says "but that's a fishing resort". he replies "Yep, I love to fish". His friend says "But it was your honeymoon, you're supposed t...

God's plan to use wasps to pollinate didn't work out.

So he had to resort to Plan Bee.

I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

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There was once a man who LOVED golf

There once was a man who loved golf. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.

This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off immediately, playing golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.

At the end of the 2 weeks at the resor...

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Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

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A man broke up with his girlfriend and decided to go to Jamaica to cheer up.

He went to an all inclusive resort. He ate and drank like a king; the only problem was the beach outside the resort was a NUDE beach.

He was feeling self conscious because he had a tattoo of his girlfriend's name on his penis.

Erect it said "Wendy", but when flaccid, some letters got ...

I took a road trip to Alaska.

I took a trip to Alaska and stopped at a resort that lets you rent out gold pans that let you sort out gold in their river. They let you keep what you find.

Excited, I go out to find some plunder. I sat there searching for hours, and I couldn’t find a single speck.

When I walked into ...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

First time in Vegas

I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didnt even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you cou...

Gustavo was a mad scientist

Gustavo, called “Gus” by his friends and nemeses, was a mad scientist with very peculiar tastes. In particular, he was fond of the flavor of human flesh.

However, he was an ethical mad scientist, so he got his meat via cloning willing subjects.

Over time the number of subjects went dow...

I'm going to open a convalescence home

It will be in the Bahamas with full amenities. It will be called "Your Last Resort".

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

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A man comes home and tells his girlfriend he won the lottery.

He says "It's time to celebrate! Start packing!"

She says "Wow! But how should I pack? For the beach? For a ski resort?"

He says "I don't care how you pack. Just get the fuck out!"

I would never hit someone with a musical instrument...

I don't like to resort to violins

What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut?

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

One Cuban woman complains to another:

He was such a liar! He said he was a waiter at a resort...turns out he’s nothing more than a neurosurgeon.

The Creation of Woman

\[Yes, I know, it's been posted before, I can't help it.\]

Adam was moping around in the Garden of Eden. Suddenly a light flashed and there was the Lord.

"What's the matter, Adam?"

Adam replied: "I'm lonely. There is nobody to talk to around here except that slimy serpent who ...

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I was filling out an employment application when it asked me SEX: M or F?

I wanted to be honest so I said F if I can, M as a last resort.

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

I'm opening a hotel made for people with no other options.

I will name it "Last Resort".

Where do you go when you can't find a room in any hotel?

To the last resort

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

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A man gets married...

...but just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, thi...

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Wife in coma

A man’s wife falls into a coma. After trying everything to bring her out of it the doctor takes the man aside and says “Listen, we’ve done everything we can but there may be something else. Last resort what has worked in the past is if you have oral sex with your wife and she may wake up.”

T...

I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...

I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants. One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diamet...

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I Miss Playing Golf

Thanks to COVID19 causing the golf courses to close, I have resorted to watching porn so I can yell: "Get in the hole!!"

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Holiday

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. ~~~He c...

If Papa Roach goes on their final vacation

is it to their last resort?

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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches sta...

Carpenter's apprentice

A carpenter took on a young blonde girl as an apprentice. On their first job together, he was on the roof and she on the ground. He shouted down to her, "Tie the saw to the rope so I can haul it up."

She put her hand to her ear, indicating she couldn't hear him. Two more, louder, attempts wer...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Did you know that male lions will resort to cannibalism when they are starved?" the guy asks the bartender. "I guess they just have to swallow their pride," the bartender replies.

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

I passed my drug test today.

As a reward for my positive results, I get to go to a resort for a few months.

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

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Fisherman's Joke

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon at a nice resort for a 3 day stay. The resort manager notices the man leave in the morning on the first day and spent the day fishing. He does this for 2 more days, so the manager decides to approach the man and ask "Why aren't you in there having sex with yo...

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A very poor man

decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catc...

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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.

The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lor...

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

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A deaf-mute guy goes into a pharmacy to buy some condoms

After looking around the shop for a while and being unable to spot what he wants, he goes up to the counter and signs to the pharmacist, who only looks at him in mild bewilderment. The deaf-mute pats his pockets for a pencil and paper only to realize that he's come out without any, and he resorts to...

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for ...

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