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Elementary Jokes

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class

She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"

The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."

"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"

"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half...

An elementary teacher, middle manager, and lawyer die and go to heaven...

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and explains that to get in they each have to answer one question correctly.

The teacher goes first. St. Peter says "What was the name of the famous ship that sank after striking an iceberg in 1912?"

"The Titanic!"

"Right, off you go." T...

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Tea...

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A joke I heard in elementary school and didn't understand until much later.

Why does superman pinch his nose during sex?

Because he doesn't like the smell of burning rubber.

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

I got A's in elementary school.

I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades improve.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

why did elementary school kids ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency?

Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!

Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have a letter of the day and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked and the letter of that day was N so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?

It's ok now, he woke up.

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

An elementary teacher wanted to introduce physiological notions to her students.

She asks her class: Whoever feels stupid at times stand up!
After a while, little Johnny stands up, grudgingly.
The teacher asks: So Johnny, you feel stupid from time to time?
Little Johnny replies: No ma’am, it’s just painful to see you standing all alone.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you w...

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?

The teacher was pissed when they woke him up!



Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this aloud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespect...

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A blonde elementary student returned home from school one day...

Mommy, Mommy! I am the only one in class, who can count past 10!

Mom: How amazing...

The other day, Samantha gets home and yells:

Mommy, Mommy! I am the only one in class who can read fluently!

Mom: Uh-huh, great...

The next day, Samantha gets home shouting:
...

There are 6.24x10^18 elementary charges in a Coulomb

But only 2x12 high school charges in a Coulombine

Which animal aced our Elementary Algebra exam?

The g-raph.

I thought this was the funniest joke in elementary school

There are three kids named Shutup, Trouble, and Manners. Trouble goes missing, so Shutup and Manners go to the police station. Manners goes to the bathroom so Shutup goes to a police officer. The police officer says,

“What’s your name son.”

“Shutup”

“What!?”

“Shutup”
<...

3 boys in elementary school are bored.

3 boys are in elementary school. During lunch, the boys decide to have a competition. “I can fit my bread roll in my mouth!”, the first boy says confidently, and he does so.

“Thats nothing!” says the second boy, “i can fit TWO dumplings in my mouth!” And he does so with ease.

Unimpre...

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school

Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.

They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.

The cops start searching the shack...

Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

Throwback to elementary school:

Three people were on a game show where there were 100 stairs. On each stair, they were told a joke. If they could get through all of the stairs without laughing, they would win a million dollars.

The three contestants were a Brilliant scientist, a successful lawyer, and an ordinary person who...

An elementary teacher is talking about animals to her students...

Teacher: What does the chicken give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Very good. What does the pig give you?
Kids: Meat!
Teacher: Great! What does the cow give you?
Kids: Homework!

What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man

because my uncle was shot in the street

My son was kicked out of elementary school for getting a handjob from a girl in his class

So i told him: "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teacher license!"

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A priest and high school student are running out of burning elementary school

The priest says: should we save the children?

The high school student says: Fuck the children

The priest says: do we have time?

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When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

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It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

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Elementary, my dear Doyle

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi in Paris.
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Sir Arthur?" Doyle was flabbergasted.

He ask...

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With school year nearing to the end elementary teacher asks her pupils

"I want you to bring a pebble for every *bad word* you say during holiday."

Time flies by fast and at the start of the new school year teacher takes kids out to the yard and asks:

"So, how many pebbles did you have to bring?"

Various kids replies with numbers like 5, 3, 12, etc....

So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...

To pick up his wives

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides...

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, “I’m the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute”

The firefighter says, “That’s nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds”

The bureaucrat responds, “pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2”

Halloween at an Elementary school

All the kids had showed up to school wearing costumes, and their teacher decided that she was going to give a special prize to the spookiest costume among the bunch.

Teacher: Why that's a lovely ladybug costume Susie, though it's not the spooky spirit we need here.

Susie: Aww shucks....

NSFW A priest and a rabbi are walking past an elementary school...

When the priest says to the rabbi "hey, wanna go screw some kids?"
And the rabbi says "out of what?"

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.

"Aay, G."

Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

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Today in elementary school.

Teacher: Next week, we have a field trip to travel to Uranus.

Kid: Myanus?

Teacher: No... You're traveling to timeout for field trip.

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I told this joke a bunch in elementary and it made me seem way funnier than I was, it's so good

Heaven was getting all cluttered so God put a new rule in place. On top of being a good person, you have to have a better death story than the last guy who got through to heaven.

First guy comes in, and the angel bouncer guy asks him about the events leading up to his death.

The guy s...

Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend

.'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.''


What does that tell you?'

Wa...

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Kevin came home from elementary school one day...

...with a smile and exclaimed, "Dad! I got the highest score in class on the math test!"

"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" The father replies.

The next day, Kevin returns from school again with excitement in his voice.

"Dad, guess what!?!" he says happily. "I can spel...

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Y...

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students another challenge....

Dropping a white sheet of paper, she asks what it reminded them of..

Jody : Winter and the snow flakes falling

Teacher : Great Answer!

Billy : Fall and the leafs falling

Teacher : Good answer Billy...

Fred : SEX!!!

Teacher : What????

Fred : Listen dar...

I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,

because I've gained like a hundred pounds.

One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.

"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin...

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A 5th grade teacher is found dead in the basement of an elementary school...

... and the police hire a detective to find out who murdered her. After doing some research he concludes the murder must have taken place between 1 and 3 pm that day. One of the suspects is the first grade teacher. The detective asks him what he was doing between 1 and 3 pm that day.

The tea...

It's Career Day at the Elementary School...

...and everyone's dad comes in to give a presentation about their job. The first dad up is a firefighter. Next is a policeman. Then a banker, and so on, until everyone's dad has gone up to talk about their job, except one.
"Where's your father, Bobby?" the teacher asks.
"He died 2 years ago" B...

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what does the Jewish pedophile say to an elementary school kid?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

Famous physicist Dirac is talking about his favorite elementary particles...

Dirac says he is "very fond of electrons, they exist in all the atoms in our bodies, explain chemical reactions and the periodic table, and their flow in electrical circuits enables much of modern technology and beautiful lighting at night. Positrons however, well that's another matter altogether."

Recess and cookies

An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess.

Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess?

Johnny: I played in the sandbox.

Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie.

Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie....

An oldie I heard in elementary school

Little Johnny has just started kindergarten and doesn't know the alphabet. As things usually happen, the teacher asks Johnny to recite the alphabet. He tells her that he does not know the alphabet, so she tells him to go home and ask his parents to help him learn it.
After school, he runs up the ...

Three pregnant wives….

A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antel...

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.


Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...

and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what ...

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Learned this one in elementary school...

Three friends: Shut Up, Manners, and Shit, are driving along the road.

Suddenly, Shit falls out of the window.

After Manners jumps out to help him, Shut Up pulls into a gas station to get help.

When he gets there, the person at the counter says "Hi, what's your name?"

"Sh...

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An arrogant man who often judged others for the slightest misdeeds dies and finds himself waiting in heaven to be judged by god...

A man finds himself in a line to see "God". He can hear the conversations God has with each person as they reach the front of the line. Apparently the Lord is using a particular method to expedite coming up with proper punishments.

"No one knows your sins better than you my child, thus you sh...

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Watson walks in on Sherlock having sex with a clearly underaged girl

Watson: "Bloody hell, Sherlock! What'd you think you're doing with that girl. She looks like she's in middle school!"






Sherlock: "Elementary, my dear Watson."

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I want to live my next life backwards....

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you sta...

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