Ne Jokes

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you look 10 years younger.

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

Ireland has announced that swimming pools can reopen to the public this weekend.

To maintain social distancing, lanes 2,4 and 6, will have no water in them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe... read more

Girl, are you a redstone torch, because you really turn me on

1080pee

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

"I'm blonde"

One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.

She says "the motorcycles trash needs to be taken out" or "the boats clothes need to make it into the hamper" or "this weekend card game I'm taking the kids to my parents and filing for a divorce"

I checked the bike and the boat and wanted to tell her they're all set before the card game but ... read more

One night we were at the bar having a drink and I asked “Do you ever get tired of westerners saying all Chinese people look the same?”

He replied: “Kim is at the bar getting the drinks. I’m his wife.”

Me: But how do you tell them apart?
Friend: Sarah has got a great rack and Tom has a moustache.

Then what is acne on your knee called?

The hairdresser asked her what she'd like done.

"I'd like a perm please."

Somewhat puzzled the hairdresser began "Mary had a little learm..."

Coz noble gases have no reactions.

Because they're ne-off.

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega... read more

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ... read more

Ne ws

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "ho... read more

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, da... read more

...but they have a certain je ne sais quack about them.

unless what you’re trying to say requires a certain *je ne sais quoi.*

Husband: Hey see I got a olympic condom pack
Wife: huh, what is that
Husband: It has condoms named with medals. Let ne use the gold one.
Wife: Nah use the silver one.
Husband: Why?
Wife: You should come second for a change

Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne

Then I took a proton to the Ne.

they've been found to copulate with corpses.

NeCROWphilia.

Is an ignorant duck a "Je ne sais quack?"

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

"Ne vada"

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the... read more

It was late and the train station was very quiet. Apart from him there was no one else in the station but one other security guard.

Half way through his shift a man came strolling into the station. Noticing the security guard he made his way over to him.

The security guard greeted the ... read more

Log((ne)^co)

Also I don't know what je ne sais quoi means either

A ne'er-do-weld.

Down the chimi-NE-HE!

Because I haven't got Ne.

Bubblegum. .... and you should ne ashamed of yourself.

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day.... read more

A chemical store and asks the man there for some noble gas.

The man replies "sorry, we don't have Ne"

NeIn.

The bartender turns around and says "Sorry, we don't have *NE*."

They've been driving for what feels like an eternity but can't seem to find where the event is hosted. They see a young teenager walking on the sidewalk and decide to ask for directions.

After pulling to the side and stopping the teen they ask: "Excuse us, do you happen to know where the Bliz... read more

yíɡè xiǎo nánháiér xiànɡ tāde māmɑ yào liǎnɡkuài qián.
一个 小男孩儿 向 他的 妈妈 要 两块钱。
A little boy asked his mother for two yuan.

“wǒ zuótiān ɡěinǐ de qián, nǐ zuò shénme le?”
“我 昨天 给你的 钱，你 做什么 了?”
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

“wǒ ɡěile yíɡè hěn qiónɡ de l... read more

Une femme avoue à son mari qu'elle a un fantasme depuis plusieurs années de faire l'amour pendant qu'un grand noir leur fait du vent avec une feuille de palmier.

Après y avoir bien réfléchi, le mari décide de demander à son collègue de l'aider.

Le lendemain, ils sont donc tous les 3 (l... read more