UPJOKE
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My wife and I had a great romantic courtship and then got married on the summit of Mt Everest

But it was all downhill from there.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

Did you hear that Paris Hilton has agreed to climb Mt. Everest?

It's being called the Paris climb it agreement.

Before Mt Rushmore was carved

its beauty was unpresidented

what rock group has 4 men that can't sing?

Mt. Rushmore

What did Hailey Joel Osmont say when climbing mt everest?

Icy dead people

Did you hear about the mountain climber who summited Mt Everest.

safe to say his mountain climbing career peaked

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

Joe: I just got back from climbing Mt. Everest.

Bob: Summit?

Joe: Nope. Climbed all of it!

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You can call my ass Mt Rushmore

Cause it could make a 138 year old man hard as rock

Remember that every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person

Stay lazy, my friends

On my way to climb Mt. Everest, I came upon a local villager who said he had a rooster that laid eggs.

"How is that possible?" I asked.
"Himalayan rooster," he replied.

Moses reaches the bottom of Mt. Sinai, gathers the people together, and says, "Alright everyone, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I got him down to 10."

"The bad news is adultery stays."

I heard they just opened a BBQ restaurant near the top of Mt. Everest

Careful though, the steaks are high.

If something goes wrong with the 4th of July celebration at Mt. Rushmore...

It will be a monumental disaster.

Mt favourite joke: Why does Edward Woodward (actor) have so many "D" 's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be Eh-wah Woo-wah:P

What mountain is just smaller than Mt. Everest?

Mt. Everer

Me: I am thinking of climbing Mt Everest again.

My alter ego: Really? How many times have you climbed Mt Everest so far?
Me: Not once yet, but it is the seventh time I have had this thought.

When Andrew Waugh was surveying Mt Everest in 1856 he came up with a height of exactly 29,000 ft. Fearing people would think that was just an imprecise estimation he reported it as 29,002 ft.

Because of this, some say he was the first to place two feet on the summit of Everest.

A conversation between God and Moses at the top of Mt. Sinai.....

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignora...

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A nude artist dies while climbing Mt Everest

Nobody paid them, they had to do it for the exposure.

Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest

Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.

A MtF Trans woman goes to a Halloween costume party...

But she shows up in her regular clothes. The party goers ask "did you forget this was a costume party?"

She replies "Oh I remembered. I'm dressed as one of the X-Men."

There are so few people in Montana

It's almost like it's MT

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest

In retrospect, this was pretty obvious considering that Mt. Everest can't fly

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

Disney just launched a Mt. Everest attraction.

You wait in line, then die.

How can we stop people from dying on Mt. Everest?

climb it change

Mt. Rushmore wasn't built in a day.

A girl recently told me that she was impressed with my persistence. I replied with, "Mt. Rushmore wasn't built in a day. I'll chip away until you have something disappointing and smaller than imagined."

What did the Hawaiian say to the visiting school kids about Mt. Kilauea?

This blows.

Father: "Son, you shall follow in my footsteps of escorting climbers up Mt Everest."

Son: "Sher pa."

Did you here about the two faces being added to MT. Rushmore?

Barack Obama!

Why couldn't Frodo drop the Ring into Mt. Doom?

Force of Hobbit.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

Mt. Everest has lost its record status ...

... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

Yo mama so thirsty

She climbed Mt. Dew.

-- my 9 year old

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes “if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I’d be happy with myself”

The second goes “if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I’d be satisfied”

The third guy goes “well I do an awesome n...

A group of gap year students meet in a bar in Thailand. [LONG]

A group of gap year students from around the globe meet up in remote bar in the mountains of Thailand. They get to drinking and getting to know each other. Mark was from the Scotland, John was from the US, Anya was from Russia, Roberto was from Italy, Sett was from Finland.

They start shari...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

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Billings bear bars

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, MT and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry , we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings." The bear is enraged, runs down to the end of the bar and devours the woman who was sitting at the end. The bear tells the bartender, "Now get me a beer." Bartender ...

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A pen...

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"What's a man cave?"

Mt wife saw a beer sign in a garage we passed and said it must be a man cave. 5-year-old daughter asked, "What's a man cave?" Wife explained and daughter asked, "What about a girl cave?" I immediately responded, "It's called a kitchen, dear." Wife proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit outta my arm....

Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.

Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."

MT: "Um, ok, sure."

The ...

A Blind man applies for a job in a lumber yard

... and the owner says, "I'd love to hire you but how the heck do I know you'll be able to get the right wood or not get cheated by unscrupulous customers? "

The applicant says, "I worked in mt family's lumber business for years and I now want to make it on my own. I can tell the exact typ...

Political speeches

Once, a politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt.Everest.

They arrive there and start climbing. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!". Nobody wanted to jum...

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

Two guys were talking about pets

"Yeah, so I have a couple of cats and a chihuahua. What about you, Flynn?"

Flynn looked at the man with a look of both pain and peace. "Well, Danny... I had a dog once."

Daniel sympathetically responded. "What happened?"

Flynn let out a quiet sigh. "It's a long story."

Da...

What rock group has four guys and no singers?

Mt. Rushmore! Happy presidents day!
http://i.imgur.com/N8LF0HU.png

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Two men go for a hike. (Long)

A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. ...

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At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.

The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" ...

I'M NO MOUNTAIN CLIMBER

I just finished this book on climbing Mt. Everest. Now I'm no mountain climber, but I smoke and I live on the third floor, so I can kind of relate. Everest is a lot like laundry day.

Donation Request ----SENT FROM FORMER 3 STAR GENERAL, FORMER SENATOR, ROBERT WINGLASS ( AND CLASSMATE )

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hilla...

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Thor's first time with a mortal woman

Thor was bored with Valhalla so one day he decided to visit the Greek gods on Mt Olympus.

Well him and Zeus hit it off, and after more than a few drinks, Thor confessed to Zeus that he'd never done any mortal women, like Zeus was famous for doing.

So Zeus says - oh you'd better get rig...

I went to my first Ethiopian electronic concert yesterday

The DJ was MT Stomach

My favorite book as a child was...

...'I Fell Off Mt Everest' by Eileen Dover.

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