To whoever stole my neon green sneakers

You can run but you can't hide

Why does neon glow?

Because it it didn’t, we’d had to call it neoff.

Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!"

They didn't react.

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

I was trying to think of a neon pun.

Because I haven't got Ne.

Neon bumped into helium.

There was no reaction.

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

Why are neon lights hard to see during the day?

Because they're ne-off.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"

Pedro: “Haven’t had the time ...

Why was neon sad?

He saw chlorine and sodium bonding together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

I wore neon green to a funeral.

It was a hue mistake.

Why is the background of r/jokes a brick wall and neon sign?

Because everything's old and reused, just like the background.

A man walks into a store that has a broken neon sign

A man walks into a store and says,"hey, you should fix your neon sign out front, the letter E is burnt out".
The storekeeper replies, "I can't replace the letter, it would ruin the joke!"
"What joke?" Asks the man.
"Stop me if you've heard it before," says the shopkeep, "because it's an old...

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

What do you call it when Argon, Neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church?

Noble Masses.

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

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Three Black Women are in an Airport

Three black women are in an airport, discussing back and forth about their flight from Newark to London, and the difficulties therein. Finally, they come around to what happens if the plane crashes.

The first woman says "If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing hot pink panties."

The ...

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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

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The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he...

Electric engineer exam

3 students are getting prepared for the exam.
The teacher calls one in.


Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?

First sudent: No.

Teacher: Get out please!


Calls in the next one.


Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?

Second student: Yes.
<...

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Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm o...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

My friend told me a chemistry joke

"Do you know any chemistry jokes?

I do but they're all boron."

I have to say, I slapped my neon that one.

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

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Asian guy at my college

So I'm in college math class, and two new guys walk in. They introduce themselves as brothers, Ling and Ving. After a few days of talking, (Ving sits next to me) he says I can get help from him in trig if I answer him one question. I say, sure. (I'm bombing trig so I'd sell my soul to pass.) He asks...

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Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

If Donald Trump was asked "If oxygen was discovered in 1783, how could human breathe before", this would probably be his answer.

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'How do people breathe before the discovery of oxygen'? And I tell them, look, we know what oxygen is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of chemistry you c...

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How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb?

lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

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Lunch Hour

I had a meeting in about 30 minutes and would hate to present the sales pitch on an empty stomach. 15 minutes was all I had to spare and 15 minutes to rush back and prepare.
Guess what, its lunch hour and every food shop in the city appears to have a long queues. Looking around saw a restaurant n...

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A man goes to a doctor

And says "Doc, this is really embarrassing and has been happening for way to long before I finally came in to see you. My dick is turning orange."

"Orange?" the doctor replies "Drop your trousers and let's have a look."

The man sheepishly drops his drawers and reveals his neon orange w...

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