UPJOKE
noble gaschemical elementheliumargonnitrogenkryptonxenonairgasoxygenneon signhydrogenperiodic tablecarbon dioxidene

Why are so many furries neon?

If they dressed like regular animals, they’d be mistaken for school mascots

Why does neon glow?

Because it it didn’t, we’d had to call it neoff.

Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.

The bartender shouts at them: "GET OUT!"

They didn't react.

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

Why was neon sad?

He saw chlorine and sodium bonding together.

Neon bumped into helium.

There was no reaction.

I was trying to think of a neon pun.

Because I haven't got Ne.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

My wife got mad after I tried to convince her that she'd agreed to let me buy a neon sign.

I guess she doesn't like gas lighting.

Why are neon lights hard to see during the day?

Because they're ne-off.

What do you call a nocturnal flying creature that's attracted to neon lights?

An urban moth

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband’s roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: “Didn’t quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"
...

That song "everybody talks" by neon trees is offensive to mute people....

And you'll probably never hear about it.

Why is the background of r/jokes a brick wall and neon sign?

Because everything's old and reused, just like the background.

Can Neon form a chemical bond with Indium?

NeIn.

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Back in high school, I had a friend named Ving

He and his twin sister, Ling, had recently moved here from China and so they had very traditional names. One day, Ving mentioned to me how much he hated his name.
“What kind of name is Ving? It’s so stupid,” he said, frustrated.
“You know, you can get your name changed at city hall.”
“Re...

I was going to make a chemistry joke, but since I'm old to this sub...

... I don't have any Neons...

... and all the good ones Argon!

A man walks into a store that has a broken neon sign

A man walks into a store and says,"hey, you should fix your neon sign out front, the letter E is burnt out".
The storekeeper replies, "I can't replace the letter, it would ruin the joke!"
"What joke?" Asks the man.
"Stop me if you've heard it before," says the shopkeep, "because it's an old...

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

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Three Black Women are in an Airport

Three black women are in an airport, discussing back and forth about their flight from Newark to London, and the difficulties therein. Finally, they come around to what happens if the plane crashes.

The first woman says "If we go down, I'ma make sure I'm wearing hot pink panties."

The ...

My friend told me a chemistry joke

"Do you know any chemistry jokes?

I do but they're all boron."

I have to say, I slapped my neon that one.

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

I wore neon green to a funeral.

It was a hue mistake.

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

Get that summer Super Saiyan look in 3 easy steps!

1. Bleach
2. Samurai Shampoo
3. Neon Genesis Hairgelion

>!sorry for the low quality pun on the last one - came up with this in the car!<

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Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm o...

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The tale of my chinese friend and his struggles

Earlier this year, a chinese family moved into my small town. The family had two twins who were both seniors in my class, Ving and Ling. Ving and his sister Ling were quiet to start off with, but eventually I made good friends with Ving. After talking to him for a few weeks he revealed to me that he...

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Helium

Helium walks into a bar, where he sees Argon, Krypton, and Neon sitting at a table. They cast dirty looks in his direction. Neon stands up and shouts across the bar, "Get your ass out of here! You don't deserve to be a noble gas, and they won't serve your kind here!"

Helium does not react.

Electric engineer exam

3 students are getting prepared for the exam.
The teacher calls one in.


Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?

First sudent: No.

Teacher: Get out please!


Calls in the next one.


Teacher: Do you mind the neon lighting?

Second student: Yes.
<...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

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I'm sick of these goddamn racists and their glowing swastika tattoos.

Damned Neon-Nazis.

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I am truly perplexed that so many people are against mosques being built.

I think it should be the goal of every Western Society to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus mosques should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from w...

So, the guy who plays Captain America bought a pirate ship.

And he covered it in Vegas-style lights

And he has Phil Collins' band playing on it.


...
It's a Neon Genesis Evans' Galleon

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Asian guy at my college

So I'm in college math class, and two new guys walk in. They introduce themselves as brothers, Ling and Ving. After a few days of talking, (Ving sits next to me) he says I can get help from him in trig if I answer him one question. I say, sure. (I'm bombing trig so I'd sell my soul to pass.) He asks...

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How many SEO experts does it take to change a lightbulb?

lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

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A man goes to a doctor

And says "Doc, this is really embarrassing and has been happening for way to long before I finally came in to see you. My dick is turning orange."

"Orange?" the doctor replies "Drop your trousers and let's have a look."

The man sheepishly drops his drawers and reveals his neon orange w...

If Donald Trump was asked "If oxygen was discovered in 1783, how could human breathe before", this would probably be his answer.

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'How do people breathe before the discovery of oxygen'? And I tell them, look, we know what oxygen is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of chemistry you c...

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