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Elementary School Jokes

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One li...

What’s the difference between a Pakistani elementary school and an Al-qaeda outpost?

I dunno man I just fly the drone.

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

An elementary school teacher was meeting her new class

She pointed to one student and asked "What does your father do for a living?"

The boy said "My father's a magician! He has a new act that ends with sawing people in half."

"That's wonderful!" said the teacher. "And do you have any siblings?"

"Yes," said the boy- "I have a half...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

To my elementary school math teacher who first taught me subtraction…

…Thank you for encouraging me to make a difference.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Tea...

I got A's in elementary school.

I got C's in middle school. In high school, I got D's and boy did my grades improve.

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I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

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A joke I heard in elementary school and didn't understand until much later.

Why does superman pinch his nose during sex?

Because he doesn't like the smell of burning rubber.

why did elementary school kids ask their Hispanic janitor about Chinese currency?

Because it takes Juan to know Yuan!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?

It's ok now, he woke up.

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

Throwback to elementary school:

Three people were on a game show where there were 100 stairs. On each stair, they were told a joke. If they could get through all of the stairs without laughing, they would win a million dollars.

The three contestants were a Brilliant scientist, a successful lawyer, and an ordinary person who...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?

The teacher was pissed when they woke him up!



Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this aloud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE . God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you w...

I thought this was the funniest joke in elementary school

There are three kids named Shutup, Trouble, and Manners. Trouble goes missing, so Shutup and Manners go to the police station. Manners goes to the bathroom so Shutup goes to a police officer. The police officer says,

“What’s your name son.”

“Shutup”

“What!?”

“Shutup”
<...

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An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

What do you call an elementary school dropout?

An anti-vax child.

Donald Trump goes to an elementary school to show off his intelligence and success.

The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.

Trump decided to help the children learn the word ‘tragedy’, and asked the following question to them:

“What would be a tragedy, kids?”

A bespect...

Halloween at an Elementary school

All the kids had showed up to school wearing costumes, and their teacher decided that she was going to give a special prize to the spookiest costume among the bunch.

Teacher: Why that's a lovely ladybug costume Susie, though it's not the spooky spirit we need here.

Susie: Aww shucks....

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Today in elementary school.

Teacher: Next week, we have a field trip to travel to Uranus.

Kid: Myanus?

Teacher: No... You're traveling to timeout for field trip.

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A priest and high school student are running out of burning elementary school

The priest says: should we save the children?

The high school student says: Fuck the children

The priest says: do we have time?

I used to tell this joke all the time in elementary school

Two guys are running from the cops at night. One is smart and the other is stupid.

They get tired of running, so they decide to hide in a shack they come across. The smart one hides inside an animal cage, and the stupid one hides inside a potato sack.

The cops start searching the shack...

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school...

To pick up his wives

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides...

Its a myth that people dont kiss in elementary school, i kissed loads of girls

I miss being a teacher

Back in elementary school the other kids used to call me spider-man

because my uncle was shot in the street

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Kevin came home from elementary school one day...

...with a smile and exclaimed, "Dad! I got the highest score in class on the math test!"

"That's because you're from Louisiana, son!" The father replies.

The next day, Kevin returns from school again with excitement in his voice.

"Dad, guess what!?!" he says happily. "I can spel...

My first original joke, from elementary school days: What do flies drink?

Fly swatter.

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School

They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.

"Aay, G."

Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

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When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

It's Career Day at the Elementary School...

...and everyone's dad comes in to give a presentation about their job. The first dad up is a firefighter. Next is a policeman. Then a banker, and so on, until everyone's dad has gone up to talk about their job, except one.
"Where's your father, Bobby?" the teacher asks.
"He died 2 years ago" B...

Why was Selena Gomez suspended in elementary school?

Because she couldn't keep her hands to herself.

An elementary school student gets gum stuck in his hair...

So the nurse takes him to the science teacher and say "Can you get the gum out of his hair?"

The science teacher responds "Of course, its just a matter of having the right solvent."

An hour later the nurse asks the science teacher "Have any luck?"

The science teacher responds "Y...

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.


Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

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Learned this one in elementary school...

Three friends: Shut Up, Manners, and Shit, are driving along the road.

Suddenly, Shit falls out of the window.

After Manners jumps out to help him, Shut Up pulls into a gas station to get help.

When he gets there, the person at the counter says "Hi, what's your name?"

"Sh...

NSFW A priest and a rabbi are walking past an elementary school...

When the priest says to the rabbi "hey, wanna go screw some kids?"
And the rabbi says "out of what?"

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

One time Lenin's widow, Nadezhda Krupskaya, visits an elementary school.

The schoolchildren asked her to tell them a story Vladimir Lenin.

"Children, you should know about Lenin's great kindness." she says with eyes misty.
"I remember once he was shaving his beard outside of home, and a little child was passing by & asked him (What are you doing, Mr Lenin...

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, “I’m the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute”

The firefighter says, “That’s nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds”

The bureaucrat responds, “pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2”

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students another challenge....

Dropping a white sheet of paper, she asks what it reminded them of..

Jody : Winter and the snow flakes falling

Teacher : Great Answer!

Billy : Fall and the leafs falling

Teacher : Good answer Billy...

Fred : SEX!!!

Teacher : What????

Fred : Listen dar...

What do you get when you push a piano out of the second floor window of an elementary school?

A flat minor.

I've got an elementary school reunion coming up that I'm dreading,

because I've gained like a hundred pounds.

My son was kicked out of elementary school for getting a handjob from a girl in his class

So i told him: "Son, this is the third time this year, if you don't straighten out, you will lose your teacher license!"

Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have a letter of the day and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked and the letter of that day was N so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling

It was career day in Elm Park Elementary School...

and each student had to write about their dad's profession. Ruby wrote about her dad being a doctor and David wrote about his dad being a construction work.

When the teacher asked Johnny he said, "My dad is a pimp and a drug fiend."

"What?!?! Johnny, be honest. I know that's not what ...

An oldie I heard in elementary school

Little Johnny has just started kindergarten and doesn't know the alphabet. As things usually happen, the teacher asks Johnny to recite the alphabet. He tells her that he does not know the alphabet, so she tells him to go home and ask his parents to help him learn it.
After school, he runs up the ...

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It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage

It's career day at an elementary school, and there's a Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Catholic Priest on stage talking to the kids in the auditorium. Well, all of a sudden the whole thing bursts into flames, and the Doctor, the Lawyer, and the Priest run for the back stage door. They get out safely and run...

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A 5th grade teacher is found dead in the basement of an elementary school...

... and the police hire a detective to find out who murdered her. After doing some research he concludes the murder must have taken place between 1 and 3 pm that day. One of the suspects is the first grade teacher. The detective asks him what he was doing between 1 and 3 pm that day.

The tea...

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I want to live my next life backwards....

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you sta...

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa has only 3 hoes.



This is from my elementary school.

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked.

“Daddy why are you banned from coming to elementary school?”, The dad calmly replies. “Because that’s how I met your mother.”.

Where do Avatars learn to bend?

At elementary school!

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

School counselor

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
...

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Little Johnny is really smart

He was in elementary school but should skip a few classes and gets tested. He comes in front of the principal and his teacher asks him

T: Johnny, what does the cow have four of, and the woman has 2?

J: Legs!

T: Good. And where do women have curly hair?

J: Africa!

T...

A couple had their first daughter and were deciding on a name.

The man decides he wants to call her Hope. The woman says “I like Love, let’s call her that!” They come to the resolution to name her Love, since that’s what the wife wanted so badly. Times goes by and baby Love is born a happy baby. Love continued to be a happy baby all through elementary school. H...

Dr. Watson: How young is too young?

Elementary school, my dear Watson

First day of school

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year.
While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuchauer." (F\*ck-hour)
So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thin...

Want to hear a joke about extrinsic motivation?

An old man enjoyed sitting on his front porch every day until the elementary school bell rang and neighborhood kids walking past his porch stopped to taunt him from the sidewalk.
Finally, the old man came up with a plan.
He offered the children a dollar each if they’d return the next day...

What has four legs and one arm?

An attack dog in an elementary school.

Based on a true story

Miss Clark had just gotten a job at a local elementary school after graduating with her master’s degree in speech–language pathology and was excited to start working with children and help them improve their communication skills.

On her first day she met a young boy named Billy at the office...

Have you heard of the new movie "Constapation"?

No?

Probably because it hasn't come out yet.





Told to me by a kid in elementary school.

Dating!

So, the other day I ask this girl out in class and she just looks at me, freaks out, and then calls the police on me.

Now I don't know if another elementary school will hire me.

Little Johnny - Ice Cream

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all...

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

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