I spent my entire life savings on Pasta

It was worth every Penne.

Old farmer Joe just uses all his savings to buy 51 sheep...

To pass the season he plans to reproduce the 50 female sheep he bought with one ram doing the work.


To his misfortune the ram dies suddenly just after he got it. He goes to complain to his neighbor Bob about his problems and Bob, who also was a farmer, told him he had to do the job him...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of ...

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

What did Johann Sebastian Bach say when he looked at his empty savings account?

I'm Baroque!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn’t'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I be...

It's nice to see that my local supermarket is saving energy by raising the temperature of it's freezers.

But "Rocky Road" soup is an acquired taste.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

Daylight saving adjustments are stupid

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

I was looking at my savings...

and realize that I've saved enough, and I don't have to work again for as long as I live. I'd be dying of hunger in 3 days, but I'd be free to enjoy what a like.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

I am rebranding computers' energy saving mode

It's a power nap.

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christian man said to his married friend that he is saving himself so he can have all the sex he can when he is married

Married man : "lol"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy is shipwrecked on a desert island.

Not much to do, just some trees with coconuts, some sand... and a sheep.

After a few weeks, the guy starts feeling a little hard up, so he tries to catch the sheep and have his way with it. Alas, he cannot catch the sheep. Every day it gets worse- he is increasingly more horny, but the shee...

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was having a horrible birthday.

Since he was a very important person, many famous people came to his birthday party. Henry was upset because people kept pretending they were choking to see what he would do. The Queen ate some birthday cake, grabbed her throat, and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was fak...

A life-saving topic

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”, the frustrated student blurted out.

The professor ignored him and continued the lecture.

"I mean, why is this even re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex for an hour and 4 minutes last night

Thank you daylight savings for helping me set a record.

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time...

My girlfriend thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!

I've spent my life savings building the world's first Apathy Bomb and it just blew up in my face.

And here I am posting OC on r/jokes. Stupid thing didn't even work.

I used to have a passion for savings accounts.

But then I lost interest.

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