Saving Jokes

Taken 4: Granted

A wealthy, never-been-wed 80-year-old man marries a beautiful 24-year-old blonde. All of his friends agree to meet for breakfast in the same five-star hotel in which he is spending his first wedding night, just to see his reaction.

They expect him to come down for breakfast in the eleva... read more

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi... read more

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. "Why do we have to learn this stuff? " the frustrated student blurted out. "To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture. A few minutes later th... read more

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Turn an ordinary, old sofa into a sofa bed, by just forgetting your anniversary.

Follow me for more DIY money saving tips.

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran... read more

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha... read more

That’s…my hedge fund.

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ... read more

He received a posthummus medal.

Some of them - in two Euros

They were up all night to get Loki.

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to
go... read more

It's a power nap.

In the river bank, of course.

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 \-
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

...But alas, it was all in vein.

Pennywise

Don't lose sleep over it.

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte... read more

Is the government cutting off the bottom of a blanket and sewing it to the top and saying ,"see its longer now".

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ... read more

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

We released a few hookers from fishnets.

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou... read more

That's a relief.

I give it six months

Was on the fence but then my neighbour yelled at me to get down so I need something else to do in my free time

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were caught in a burning building and rushed to the roof to get away from the smoke. Soon, they hear sirens of the fire truck approach and peer over the edge. They see a group of 4 firefighters get out and each grab a hold of a tarp to catch them in.

The b... read more

To POWER THE SUN

The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."

She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i... read more

He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.

“There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s ready.”

"Three years," he ... read more

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

He wanted to make something nice out of his collection so he brought them to leather tanner. When he goes to pick up his product he's surprised that all his foreskin collection only produced a coin purse. The leather tanner explained that if you rub the coin purse it turns into a duffel bag.

Because they’re too far out.

You're only fueling yourself.

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ... read more

As the woman scanned them, she asked, "Will you be putting these up yourself, sir?"

"'Erm, no." I replied. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

Gave up on the first million a long time ago.