I tried to sell my savings account on eBay

But I didn't get much interest.

What's the difference between a musician and a savings account?

One eventually matures and starts to make money...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

I’ve just spent my life savings on a cannabis farm.

The estate agent assured me it’s a growth industry.

I'm so poor my only funds are daylight savings...

but at least it's trickling down for a rainy day.

Daylight saving adjustments are stupid

Last time I got a morning wood in the bus instead the bed.

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

I was looking at my savings...

and realize that I've saved enough, and I don't have to work again for as long as I live. I'd be dying of hunger in 3 days, but I'd be free to enjoy what a like.

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

I am rebranding computers' energy saving mode

It's a power nap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

I don't get the reasoning behind switching to Daylight Savings Time in the USA

I guess I'm still in the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christian man said to his married friend that he is saving himself so he can have all the sex he can when he is married

Married man : "lol"

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

A life-saving topic

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”, the frustrated student blurted out.

The professor ignored him and continued the lecture.

"I mean, why is this even re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

I just gave all my life savings to the San Andreas foundation.

You might say I’m generous to a fault.

I'm saving a bunch of money on pizza delivery.

When the doorbell rings I answer it completely naked. So far, nobody's stayed long enough to take my tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man uses up all his savings to open up a bar.

But there are many bars in the city and he has trouble attracting customers. So he stays up during the nights, trying new recipes for cocktails. But nothing seems to work. He is dejected and contemplates closing down the bar and cutting his losses. One evening, he is rummaging though his garage and ...

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time...

My girlfriend thought I lasted 1 hour and 3 minutes!

Floppy disk is like Jesus

They died to become the image of saving

I used to have a passion for savings accounts.

But then I lost interest.

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I've spent my life savings building the world's first Apathy Bomb and it just blew up in my face.

And here I am posting OC on r/jokes. Stupid thing didn't even work.

What horror villain is best at saving money?

Pennywise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

Broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.

Since then I've never looked back.

There was a less known James Bond

He used to shoot down Q's ideas for new gadgets, saying they were a waste of good taxpayer's money.

He was known as the savings Bond.

I've been saving up....

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a
date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to
go...

I thought my friend spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee..

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