What did the tickle me elmo get when he left the production line?

Two test tickles.

What do you call an absurd comedic production that won’t end?

An unstoppable farce.

Milk production at a dairy farm was low.

So the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia. A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data,...

Did you hear that they're making a Broadway production based off the dictionary?

It's a play on words.

What did Yoda say about the musical theater production that he hated?

"LAME IS."



Happy Star Wars Day.

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My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

I decided to go vegan after visiting the meat production factory.

The livestock conditions were appalling.
The process involving production of Meatballs and Salami was bad.
But wait till you see the one of German sausage. It was the wurst.

Edit : Sweden has already decided to bring in regulations. I'd say they are ahead of the korv.

Did you hear about that girl who keeps emailing nudes into the Black Mirror production office?

...well they 'bandersnatch'

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

What do you call an earthquake during a production of Hamlet?

A Shakesperience

The Apple iCar production has stalled

There’s been a lack of Jobs

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

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It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

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Seize the means of production

Or as we say in America, "Grab 'em by the pussy."

Have you heard about the new movie set in a post apocalyptic world where the proletariat control the means of production?

They're calling it Mad Marx

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The actress who played the lead role in the local theatre production of “ Anne Frank’s Diary” was so bad

That the scene where the Nazis entered the stage and said "where is she" the audience shouted "she's in the attic".

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Have you heard of those psychos wanting to shift all cheese production to butter production?

Some men just want to watch the world churn.

A communist, like Karl Marx, says to seize the means of production...

Capitalist Donald Trump however, prefers to seize the means of reproduction.

What does a southern belle playing Magic the Gathering say when her opponent disrupts her mana production?

My lands!

I played the part of "tree" in my theater's production four times.

Guess I'm pretty well-rooted in the part.

M&M don't hire blondes for their production line...

...because they throw out the Ws

Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask...

So, Nintendo's stopped production of the Wii U and are producing their new console.

Looks like they decided it's a good time for a Switch.

TIL why coal production has drastically slowed down within the past 10 years

It is believed the labor involved in this risky job was causing miner pain.

So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

Brewster the Rooster

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

The firs...

Have you heard they have slashed production of many office supply items.

Especially metre rulers, they won't be making them any longer.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

How did the newspaper go about reviewing the opera production?

They followed Standard Opera-rating Procedure

So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar....

and the director takes all the credit.

A man recently felt funny and came over queasy...

At which point he was asked to leave the local amateur production of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

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So I heard they built a gayporn production facility on the CERN-compound...

Apparently it's called the "Large Hardon Collider".

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There’s plenty of Jobs in porn when you have a penis like mine

Cameraman, Lighting, sound technician even production manager.

A man owns a factory with his wife

Everything's running smoothly, production is typical.

And then the factory explodes.

"This is bad," his wife says, "We have to get this factory rebuilt. We have to get production back on schedule. How long is it going take?"

The man pores over the papers for a moment, types som...

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

A struggling actor gets a call from his agent.

Agent: Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Actor: Give me the good news first.

Agent: I've found you a role in a production of *Hamlet*.

Actor: Well that's awesome! I've made it! How could there possibly be bad news?

Agent: You're the skull.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

Why are there never black dwarves in fantasy films?

Because Kevin Hart keeps suing the production companies for using his likeness without his approval.

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A man wins a lifetime supply of carrots,

After learning about this fortunate occurence, he celebrated and patiently awaited the arrival of the tasty product.

A few days later, he heard knocking at his door and investigated. A delivery man offered him 12 bags of carrots, congratulated him on his winnings, and left.

This contin...

Why are so many young people turning to socialism and communism?

Because then they can seize the memes of production.

What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album?

Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.

Did you hear the Reddit Movie got cancelled?

It involved too much post production

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

Why were the Star Wars movies made in the order 4,5,6,1,2,3?

In charge of production, Yoda was.

Two friends decide to start up a business together.

The first man, Carl, had years of experience in the production of liquor, and so he wanted to start a distillery. The second man, Adam, had years of experience in marijuana cultivation but had been clean for years and would not go near recreational cannabis, and so he wanted to start up a processing...

selling announce in a Romanian newspaper:

urgent sell: wife!!!

fabrication year: 1983, second owner, certificate OK, autochthonous production

colour: ginger

features: super suspensions, big trunk, blue-Ciel headlights, red plump radiator grille, excellent front airbags

state of function: very good, a little used...

A blonde gets a job in quality control at an Elmo factory.

A couple hours later the boss goes out and sees the production line all backed up. He sees the blonde sewing two marbles in the crotch of each Elmo.

He then yells at her, "no I told you to give them each two TEST TICKLES!"

So I heard Jessica Jones is directed by only Females

Well thats one way of saving 20% on production costs

A man is in Iraq and sees a fancy antique lamp for sale in shop.

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<...

One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

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A man and his wife have a very peculiar relationship.

On the outside, Paul and Linda seem like an average American couple. However, behind closed doors, Paul is a hardcore submissive masochist, and his wife is a prude who detests any kind of sexual activity. The only way that Paul can get his wife to comply with his desires is to cook bacon. For some o...

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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually...

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A guy confesses to his psychiatrist that he's having trouble at work...

"What sort of trouble?" asks the shrink.

"I work in the production line at a pickle factory, and I know this is going to sound crazy, but lately I've been fantasizing about putting my penis into the pickle-slicer."

"My God, man!" the shrink exclaims. "You can't do that!"

"I know...

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I think Donald Trump is secretly a Communist!

When he said “Grab them by the pussy”, I realised he wanted to seize the means of production!

A woman had quintuplets.

Not being a creative type, she named them after her various senses. As the children grew up, they maintained a good relationship; very few other people wouldn't tease them about their names. Naturally, the children excelled in different areas; Touch, for example, was great at History, and Sight was ...

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The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

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Once upon a time, lived a noble king...

He had a son, which grew up and became a handsome prince.
One day, the king decided to find a suitable bride for his boy. He ordered his subjects to prepare a magnificent
feast and to invite princesses from all over the world.

More than 150 princesses attended the feast. The number was ...

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

Why was Marx bad at dating?

He only talked about seizing the means of production.

The Epileptic Employee

Three brothers, Tom Meens, Jerry Meens, and Sam Meens, are all managers of a toy factory.

Tom manages the call center reps, Jerry manages the production line, and Sam manages the fulfillment department.

One day in the break room, an employee having lunch at the same time as Jerry, i...

If karma was a currency, Reddit would be a capitalist society

But I've figured out how to make reddit into a communist society.

They just need to seize the memes of production.

Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

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A farmer has 1000 chickens.

He keeps them all in a large barn behind his house. He makes a comfortable living from selling their eggs. One day, however, the chickens' egg production drops off sharply. Days and weeks go by, and the chickens continue to lay fewer and fewer eggs. Worried for his livelihood, the farmer makes a num...

So it turns out that Trump is a Marxist...

... he seizes women by their means of production.

A scientist discovers how to create matter and revolutionises the world. How?

Mass production

3 men are lying in a prison cell in Soviet Russia...

...when one of them says, "Know what I'm in for? My watch started running slow a few days ago, so I went to work late for a week. They thought I was trying to reduce national production for the glorious Soviet people, and threw me in here."

The second one says, "Mine is even worse. My watch r...

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Perso...

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Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

The Soviet chain factory

Once upon a time, there was a factory in the Soviet Union that made chains. When the communists took over, they abolished capitalism, and instead of selling chains the factory sent their production to the government to distribute, and were rewarded based on their production quotas set by the bureauc...

Martin Scorcese dies and goes to heaven

He's met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says "God has been waiting for you to die. He is going to produce the greatest production in history and wants you to direct. He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay. Michelangelo is the art director. Beethoven is writing the music."
...

Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger

So one day, Sylvester Stallone, Jean-Claude Van Dam, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were sitting together in a bar, kicking back, drinking a few brews, talking about life and talking about the roles they'd played in movies.

As the three men talked, each was surprised to realize that all three of t...

My wife Emily and I have a celebrity exemption rule for extramarital affairs.

Evidently she thought it included the actor playing George in the local production of "Our Town."

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do I have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.

\-------------------------------------

So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes hom...

It's time to act now

Let's stage a socialist takeover of Broadway and seize the means of productions!

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Gary Smith

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question.

'Hey, but where is ...

There once was a cheerio...

There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thou...

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