UPJOKE
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Pa Jokes

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

Ma & Pa and the outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa you need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin' wrong with it."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."

So.......Paw mosies out to the outhouse, looks around,...

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi...

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

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Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cau...

Einstein, Newton and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.

Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10 then opens them.

Pascal is no where to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He’s sitting in a square drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.

Einstein says “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve f...

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

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Ma and Pa were rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for?

Ma said for knowing the difference.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

...are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenc...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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Marry a virgin?

It's their wedding night and a redneck couple are getting ready to have sex for the first time. As the bride is getting ready in the bathroom she tells her husband Bobby Joe to take it "easy on her, on accounts that she is a virgin and all". "BAM!!" as she hears the door on the trailer slam then w...

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

What do you call a group of guys who lie about telling funny dad jokes but aren't fathers themselves?

faux pas

I was travelling in a train when I heard an announcement on PA.

The announcement was "If you observe anything or anyone looking suspicious or dangerous, please report to us at 555-5555."

At that time I looked over at the female passenger seating besides me. Then I remove my phone and dialed the number 555-5555. She started looking at me suspiciously.
<...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

My friend told me this joke

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "bu...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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Grand pa needs explanation.....[NSFW]

One sunny day grand pa was masterbeting in his room. Suddenly little Johnny entered the room and asks his GPa what is this?
GPa gives his dick to little johnny and tells him its a bird, and if you pat him like this he will be happy.
johnny starts patting it nicely and asks what these?.....Gp...

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A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

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When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA

A pilot gets on the PA

"Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I...

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board

From the back a guy shouts "I'm a vegan!"

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Elder sitting on his porch with his grandson.

G'son: "Grandpa, can I try your cigar?" G'pa: "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." G'son: "Grandpa, can I try a sip of your beer?" G'pa "Can you touch your dick to your asshole?" G'son: "No" G'pa: "Then no you can't." Grandson goes inside the house and re...

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This ...

A duck walks into the drug store

A duck walks into the drug store and asks for a pack of condoms.

Druggist says: "would you like me to put that on your bill?"

Duck says: "nah, I'm not into that weird stuff".

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

A family of country bumpkins visit the big city for the first time.

A family of farmers--Ma, Pa, and their son Jim--take a trip to the city and walk into a shopping mall for the first time. They gape in awe at all the shiny surfaces and gleaming store windows full of fancy objects. Before long, the boys wander off and leave Ma ogling a kiosk of crystal jewelry.
<...

I got in trouble for telling my step dad he’s not my real dad.

Guess he’s a faux pa.

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

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I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

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Always a hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hol...

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

A three legged dog walks into a bar

He looks around and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my Pa(w).”

Not so fast…

The captain of a navy vessel is on the bridge one day when the bosun enters and asks to use the PA system. The captain agrees and the bosun gets on the PA and barks out “Attention seaman first class Johnson! Your mother is dead!! That is all!”

The Captain is mortified and grabs hold of the bo...

What was Bruce Lee's favourite fruit?

Pa pa ya!

If Yeet is the "present tense", and Yote is the "past tense",

Then the "future tense" sould be Yet, as it's "yet" to happen.

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So I'm in an airplane right now and the pilot just made an announcement...

About safety and all that and when it was finished I guess he forgot to turn off the PA announcer. So not knowing that everyone on the plane can hear whatever he say on the PA system, he tells the co-pilot, "I can't wait to drink a cup of coffee and fuck one of these flight attendants."

One o...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

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Grandpa can't be stand to be near fireworks because of his PTSD from the war...

One day I asked him about what happened and he let out a sigh and sat me down.

"It was 1951 in Korea, memorial day. I was stationed North of the parallel and it felt like today could finally be the one day we could relax and take a break from the war.

"The platoon spent the whole day ...

An owner of a small meat shop decides that his son is old enough and it's time to teach him business...

Father: Okay, son, you see this machine? You put a pig in here and three sausages come out there. You got it?
Son: No, pa, I don't get it.

Father: Okay, once again, you put a pig in here and get three sausages there, got it?
Son: No, still don't get it.

Father: Ohhh, one last...

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

A farmer walks up to the front door of a neighboring farmhouse.

He knocks on the door and a young boy, about ten years old, answers. "Good morning, sir," he says.

"Good morning," the farmer answers. "Can I speak to your father?"

"Sorry, but no," says the boy. "He and Ma went into town."

The farmer then asks, "Is your brother Jimmy here?"<...

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A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

A regular family dinner

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maids bedroom today

Pa: H-Hey now you just be quiet and eat your dinner son

Ma: Go on son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!!!

Pa: Now listen here you lying little sh--

Ma: Finish the story Son!

Son: The...

Tom is coming to the school with a huge black eye

Teacher: what happened, were you in a fight? You know it's forbidden!
Tom: No, we went fishing with Pa, and a huge hornet sat on my eye!
Teacher: my goodness! Did it bite you? Tom: Nah, Pa managed to kill it with the oar

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don’t have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

Mom got me the other day.

My mom has never been into jokes, normally she doesn't understand them. Pop loved them, especially dad jokes. He's gone now and moms been sick for 7 months. Oh, and I'm old and single and tell her dad jokes all the time.

Mom, "a woman was here the other day and asked if you were my son, an...

A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the old west...

He growls, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called?

PaPa

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

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Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

I went to visit my 100-year old grandfather the other day

I’ve been concerned because he told me that he will be getting married to his lovely 25-year-old private nurse.

“Gran’ pa, ” I said, “aren’t you worried about a heart attack on your honeymoon?”

“Heart attack?” he laughed back at me “if she dies, she dies…”

How does the pope pay his bills?

PaPal

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

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Fucked up but hilarious.

Pa is sitting on the couch when daughter walks in. Daughter asks Pa, "Pa can I have the car tonight?" Pa shrugs and says only if you suck my dick. Daughter agrees and gets on her knees and starts perform said task. Little way through, Daughter looks up and says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like poop." ...

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Two hillbillies get married and go to the town in the valley for their honeymoon. The next day the man comes back alone.

His pa asks him "where da 'ell your wife?"

The man replies "I 'ad to kill 'er."

"Whadya 'ave to dat fer?"

"She was a virgin. She ain't good 'nuf fer 'er family, she ain't good 'nuf fer mine."

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

The Redditor Named Jock

After years of intense research, Jock had figured out a cure to every illness and disease known to man, mainly using Reddit as his go-to website.
Throughout his research, Jock had only confided in one person, his trustworthy PA. Because of this, Jock had never been acknowledged for his work, and...

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

A three-legged dog walks in to a saloon and says...

"I'm lookin' for th' man who shot muh Pa."

\* - ty, /u/piercenchase.

The Truth About My Jokes

It has recently been brought to my attention that many of the jokes I tell my friends, family and peers can be classified as 'Dad jokes.' Moreover, it turns out that most of the people I share these with don't actually enjoy them, they've just given up on me stopping at this point.


Two ...

How does the Vatican want you to send donations?

PaPal

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Superman

Superman is just flying arround through Metropolis using his x-ray vision when he spots wonder woman in her house completely naked laying in her bed with her legs spread wide open. He turns arround, and sees her again but this time on all four.
He's so horny that he thinks to himself I'll use my ...

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West Virginia (NSFW)

So, one day a young women around 15 approached her pa. She said,
"Pa, can I borrow your truck to go pick up my date?"
Well, her Pa, living in West Virginia, felt no abnormality when he said,
"You know what to do." and dropped his pants. So, the daughter got on her knees and started giving ...

Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.

They’re bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, noti...

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The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woma...

Why can't mothers tell dad jokes?

It would be a faux-pa.

Why is it a bad idea to make an enemy of your father?

Because it is such a ~~faux pas~~ foe pa!

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

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The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful

because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

-PaPaCy

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico

The child calls him his "PaDre"

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

An Amish family goes to a mall for the first time

And of course they are overwhelmed. The man stands in front of an elevator, puzzled what this contraption may be. He watches a very heavyset woman enter it, the doors close and the elevator goes up, and as it returns, a young, beautiful woman emerges.

"What is that, Pa?", little Joshua wants...

What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions?

Pa’pal.

The Farmer and the Cherry Tree

A farmer rounded up his three sons and said sternly "I want to know which of you boys pushed the outhouse over, but before I do I want to tell you a story. When George Washington was a boy, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked, George admitted his deed, saying, ...

A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks...

"Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail." The other asks "how do you know it is the father? It could be mom."

"Nope. Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"

A farmer had to leave the farm for the day and a guy was coming to inseminate a cow.

The farmer goes to his less than brilliant son and tells him the man is coming to inseminate a cow. The boy looks at him bewildered and says "I'll never remember which one Pa, there are too many." So the farmer drives a nail in the wall behind the cow's stanchion.

A couple hours later the m...

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Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

What are a rednecks last words?

Hey pa! Look what I can do!

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Contagious

Once upon a time a teacher in a little school in South Virginia gave her 2nd grade students a small homework assignment. It was to listen for the word contagious and share the story with the class the next day.

The next day the teacher asked "so did anyone hear the word contagious?" A few han...

What does a girl from Kentucky and a dog have in common?

They both lick their pa(w)!!

How does the Pope purchase items from Ebay?

He uses PaPal

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A hillbilly couple get married...

and spend the honeymoon night at her folks' cabin. The next morning, the boys' father walks outside and the boy is back home sitting on his folks' porch. The father asks, "Where's your bride, boy?" The kid says, "Ah done left her, Pa." The old man says, "Now why did you go and do that for?" The kid ...

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

Wholesome Dad Joke

Every day the father would give his son what he called advice as he was leaving the house for work, "Beetroota" and would give him a beetroot to take, for good luck.

The son never liked beetroot. But his father would insist every time. He had said this many times, but every time his father w...

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A man dies and ends up in hell.

Satan greets him and tells him ''I will show you three doors. You will go trhough one of them and stay there for eternity''

The man nods and Satan opens the first door. There, he sees thousands of people, standing on their heads on hard wood. The man says ''That looks highly unconfortable, sh...

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