This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

pa system: attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

**sloth:** oh shit oh shit

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

P...

Did you hear about the super model with IBS that committed a fashion faux pas?

Got runs in her stockings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jet took off for the long flight from Sydney to Perth.

As it got to cruising height the pilot finished his spiel but forgot to turn the microphone off. He turned to his co-pilot and said "You hold the plane while I take a massive dump, and then I'm gong to screw that hostess".

Hearing this the hostess ran to the cockpit in order to tell the pilo...

It looks like this election won't end with a bang

But with a WI/MI/PA

Telling a dad joke when you're not a father...

...is a bit of a faux Pa.

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind Pilot walks into the plane waiving his walking stick....

Passengers, All look at each other in disbelief.

Flight Attendant, gets on the PA and announces , "Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the captain is legally blind, but I assure you he is one of the best pilots with over 6,000 successful flights."

Next the Co-Pilot makes his way to the...

If Yeet is the "present tense", and Yote is the "past tense",

Then the "future tense" sould be Yet, as it's "yet" to happen.

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

Ha! I just foiled your plan!

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

Why is it a bad idea to make an enemy of your father?

Because it is such a ~~faux pas~~ foe pa!

What are stepfathers called in France?

Faux pas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

How does the Pope purchase items from Ebay?

He uses PaPal

Pierre never liked it when I called him my step dad...

So I now refer to him as my Faux Pas.

A three-legged dog walks in to a saloon and says...

"I'm lookin' for th' man who shot muh Pa."

\* - ty, /u/piercenchase.

Why can't mothers tell dad jokes?

It would be a faux-pa.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

It runs in the family

Two small town kids were out and about playing when one of them tells the other "Last night I heard pa telling ma that we both was to marry our little sister when we grow up"

At this the other kid goes in disgust "What? Ewwww!!!"

"I know, right? God I wish she wasn't that ugly!"

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

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Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cau...

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

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Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.

Ma said "what was that for?"

Pa said "for forty years of bad sex."

Ma said "oh" and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa.

Pa said "what was that for?"

Ma said "for k...

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Billy Bob is gettin' married and asks his pappy for some honeymoon advice.

Billy Bob is gettin' married and asks his pappy for some honeymoon advice. He says, "Pa, you know I love that Bobby Sue, and tomorrow we's gettin' married an' all, but I got a real important question... how can I know iffin' Bobby Sue is a virgin?"

His pa scratches his chin and reckons for a ...

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Two friends from Australia were on a flight from Sydney to London

An hour into their flight the pilot makes an announcement:

Pilot: ladies and gentlemen I must inform you that one of our four engines have failed. Not to worry though, the plane can fly fine with three engines, it just means a half hour delay to our arrival time, our sincere apologise.
...

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My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redneck Wedding

Some time ago when I was hitchhiking through the deep South, a fella who gave me a ride invited me to a redneck wedding. Now this was a proper wedding, two days of tractor pulls, shooting shit and falling down drunk off moonshine, before we were finally assembled in the chapel for the big ceremony o...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

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A pilot steps out of the cockpit and speaks to the cabin through the PA

"Ladies and gentlemen I need a huge favor from you. My wife just called me that her mother is on her way through security and needs a last minute seat to come with me to Atlanta for a last minute event. She flies for free with my buddy passes. I see some of you are still trying to find a seat. This ...

Where's Moscow?

In the barn, next to Pa's cow.

I'll show myself out.

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

I just had the most clueless Uber driver in Gettysburg, PA

He didn't even know the address.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to hell for this one....

A teacher, a lawyer, and a priest were sitting together on an airplane. The pilot comes over the PA and says “I’m sorry folks, but we’ve just lost both engines. We’re going to crash and die.” The teacher exclaims “Oh my God, the poor children!” The lawyer replies “Fuck the children!” The priest asks...

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think

Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

The pilot asks over the PA system whether there's a doctor on board

From the back a guy shouts "I'm a vegan!"

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

What does a girl from Kentucky and a dog have in common?

They both lick their pa(w)!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grand pa and Grand son go fishing.

One weekend Grand pa decides to take his 10yr old grand son out fishing with him. As they sit in the boat casting their lines about a half hour goes by and Grand pa decided to open himself a beer. the Grand son sees this and asks his Grand pa if he can have one. Grand pa replies,"well boy can you re...

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

The birds and the bees

Little Johnny's Pa decided that Johnny had gotten old enough to learn about the birds and the bees. The problem was, he didn't know how to approach the subject.

So, sitting on the back porch one day, he starts to tell Little Johnny what's involved, but he keeps tripping over his own words. F...

Little Timmy and the Outhouse

There was a child on a farm named Timmy. Now Timmy loved growing up on the farm with his family. He enjoyed helping out in the fields, he loved feeding the sheep and cows, and he was always happy to help out in the barn. The one thing Timmy did not like, was having to clean out the outhouse. He abso...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grand pa needs explanation.....[NSFW]

One sunny day grand pa was masterbeting in his room. Suddenly little Johnny entered the room and asks his GPa what is this?
GPa gives his dick to little johnny and tells him its a bird, and if you pat him like this he will be happy.
johnny starts patting it nicely and asks what these?.....Gp...

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

What are a rednecks last words?

Hey pa! Look what I can do!

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When a pilot forgets to turn off the PA

A pilot gets on the PA

"Hello flight 828, we've reached cruising altitude, the seatbelt sign has been turned off" etc, that kind of stuff. Then a big plop is heard, and it becomes apparent that the pilot forgot to turn of the PA. Then the pilot says to presumingly the co-pilot, "Man, I wish I...

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

It’s inappropriate to make dad jokes if you’re not a father....

It’s a faux-pa

Rednecks in NYC

A redneck and his son visit New York City for the first time. They walk into a hotel and see an elevator.

"What's that thing, pa?" the redneck kid asks.

"I got no idea junior" the redneck dad says.

Just then, the doors open and an elderly woman steps in. The doors close. A few s...

What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children?

A faux-pa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy

When little Timmy went to school,
and mastered one to nine.
He thought the other kids were cool,
and every class divine.
He painted shapes in red and blue,
and drew in curves and bends.
And by the time the day was through,
he’d made a hundred friends!
“I’m pals with Pete, and...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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Always a hole behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hol...

Condom use on an aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.
They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the
same thing.
He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five mi...

What was the most unexpected summer hit of all time?

DES...





PA....




-nish Inquisition

A Three legged dog walks into the old wild west saloon

He says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my paw."

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

The Farmer and the Cherry Tree

A farmer rounded up his three sons and said sternly "I want to know which of you boys pushed the outhouse over, but before I do I want to tell you a story. When George Washington was a boy, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked, George admitted his deed, saying, ...

What kind of payment does the Pope use to make online transactions?

Pa’pal.

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A back woods West Virgina man gets engaged.

He rushes home to tell his dad.

"Pa! I met me a woman and we's gonna marry!" His dad replies, "Well, tell me 'bout her!" The son says, "She's beautiful, nice, an a virgin!" At the news the father is visibly upset, "No you ain't gon marry you no virgin! If she ain't good nuff fer her family, s...

Did you hear about the guy who fell into a truck full of French bread?

He's in a lot of pain now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

The PPSH-41 is a soviet gun, which a lot of people disliked. It cost too much to reload with a fire rate of 1000 bpm, and had horrible recoil and aim.

Now, this gun is widely unpopular, but it had one upside: in the russian alphabet, “PPSH” consisted of three letters, pronounced “Pa Pa Sha”. In russian, papasha means “daddy”, and so the popular nickname for this gun was “daddy”. My older sister was shot by one during her time in the army, and luck...

With a heavy load this semester, a student is under great pressure to maintain a 4.0 GPa

That's 400000000 Pa, and that's a lot of pressure.

My grandmother and grandfather’s names were Pearl and Dean...

But I always called them Grandma and Grand PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAPA, PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAAA, PA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subjec...

Meanwhile at Walmart....

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the store's PA system...


"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining... Towels are located in aisle five."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marry a virgin?

It's their wedding night and a redneck couple are getting ready to have sex for the first time. As the bride is getting ready in the bathroom she tells her husband Bobby Joe to take it "easy on her, on accounts that she is a virgin and all". "BAM!!" as she hears the door on the trailer slam then w...

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The Pilot and the Flight Attendant.

A Delta Airlines flight from LAX to JFK was in the cruise when the aircraft hit some heavy chop. The captain comes on the PA system to give the regular announcement for passengers to "please fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time", in the confusion of the situation ...

The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".

"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"

Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.

"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it too...

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The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

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I was on an airline a couple weeks ago

I guess the pilot had forgotten to turn of the PA system, and said aloud on the speaker "damn, I could really go for a blowjob and a coffee right about now" A flight attendant ran past me heading to the cockpit and the guy next to me said "excuse me miss, I think you forgot his coffee!"

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

What did the Tibetan boy say when his father asked for help carrying his bags?

Sure Pa.

The Redditor Named Jock

After years of intense research, Jock had figured out a cure to every illness and disease known to man, mainly using Reddit as his go-to website.
Throughout his research, Jock had only confided in one person, his trustworthy PA. Because of this, Jock had never been acknowledged for his work, and...

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Superman

Superman is just flying arround through Metropolis using his x-ray vision when he spots wonder woman in her house completely naked laying in her bed with her legs spread wide open. He turns arround, and sees her again but this time on all four.
He's so horny that he thinks to himself I'll use my ...

So there's a plane that's half criminals and half master tradesmen...

The plane is half full of criminals and half full of master craftsmen.

The pilot comes on over the PA and says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is overloaded, we need to bump half of you to another flight."

After deliberating with the mechanics and copilot for a while, the pilot comes ...

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A hillbilly couple get married...

and spend the honeymoon night at her folks' cabin. The next morning, the boys' father walks outside and the boy is back home sitting on his folks' porch. The father asks, "Where's your bride, boy?" The kid says, "Ah done left her, Pa." The old man says, "Now why did you go and do that for?" The kid ...

My friend told me this joke

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "bu...

Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.

The BMW driver tot...

A social worker from a big city.....

.....recently transferred to the sticks in south Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice thr...

A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door...

A farmer got in his beat-up old pickup, drove over to the neighbors and knocked on the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your paw home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the man "is your mother here?"...

Sir, I pulled over a VIP and I'm not sure what to do.

When the Pope was visiting Philadelphia, PA this past year there was an incident that did not get any coverage in the news. The Pope after leaving the church went to his limosuine and was feeling a bit impulsive and decided he wanted to drive. So he asked the limo driver if he could drive, the dri...

TIL Dr Dre adopted a child from Mexico

The child calls him his "PaDre"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A raccoon walks into a bar

”One beer, please” the raccoon orders. The bartender is an old stuttering gentleman:

“O-o-ne b-b-eer co-co-ming up pa-pa-nda...”

The raccoon is very annoyed: “Let me just correct that for you right away, I’m actually a raccoon, I am not a panda”

“Y-y-es. O-o-ne be-e-er co-co-mi...

Mad-Dog’s Lady

A rough pack of tough bikers were out for a scoot in the hill country in central Texas. Pulling into Austin, they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off Pennybaker bridge. Mad-Dog, their leader, gave the hand signal to pull up. Mad-dog, a big burly man with skin like leather, a handle bar mustache,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only B word you should call a girl is Beautiful

because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

-PaPaCy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

A Hillbilly is the First in his Family to Attend Ninth Grade...

Jethro is the first in a long line of hillbillies and bumpkins to attend schooling beyond the eighth grade. After his first day of high school, the whole family is bursting with pride to see him swaggering up the driveway.

His father says, "Jethro, come tell us about that fancy high school! ...

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Contagious

Once upon a time a teacher in a little school in South Virginia gave her 2nd grade students a small homework assignment. It was to listen for the word contagious and share the story with the class the next day.

The next day the teacher asked "so did anyone hear the word contagious?" A few han...

English is the new language of the European Union.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a diner and orders a cup of coffee...

When the waitress sets the cup down in front of him, he notices that she's holding the cup in such a way that her thumb is literally *in* the liquid. Disgusted, but not wanting to cause a scene, he politely asks for a different cup and doesn't point out her faux pas. The waitress looks at him curiou...

The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper

An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy and his father are walking through a store in Alabama...

...when the young boy sees two spiders mating.

The son says "Pa, what kind of spider is that?" to which the father replies "That's a Daddy Long Legs."

The son points to the other spider and asks: "What about the this one?" The dad says: "Well, that's also a Daddy Long Legs".

T...

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A holy priest encounters some kids playing on the street...

... and says to the first one he meets, “Do you want to go to Heaven?”

The kid says, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then tell no lies.” and approached a second child. “Do you want to got to Heaven?”

“Yeah, Father,” was the reply.

“Then listen to your ma and pa,” said t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer in France sees a foreigner bending down next to the river.

The foreigner leans over and voraciously scoops up water from the river to drink using his right hand. He gulps down the water hungrily, much to the farmer's shock.

The farmer runs over to the foreigner and tries to warns him in French: "Monsieur, ce n'est pas sain! Mes animaux pisse et merde...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a West Virginia woman say after sex?

Git off me Pa, you're squishing my smokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

West Virginia (NSFW)

So, one day a young women around 15 approached her pa. She said,
"Pa, can I borrow your truck to go pick up my date?"
Well, her Pa, living in West Virginia, felt no abnormality when he said,
"You know what to do." and dropped his pants. So, the daughter got on her knees and started giving ...

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