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Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…

a friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman’s husband.

People keep talking about these "safe spaces". Well, call me old fashioned but I'm going to keep on calling them what they REALLY are...

Banks

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

I think it’s safe to say Jeff Epstein’s last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

If I'm ever traveling near Loch Ness or Sasquatch's lair, I will carry a camera to be safe.

It is a documented fact that these dangerous monsters have never approached anyone who had a camera.

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

The safest job in the world ...

... is robbing a bank.

Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl?

Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards.

My username is not safe for work.

u/safeforwork was already taken.

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My little brother asked me about safe sex

I told him that it's dangerous, fucked up, and that he should just have sex with people instead.

[NSFW] I wish I could remember my safe word...

I want life to stop screwing me.

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I like to practice safe sex

Why?

Because I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously

What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom? What do they say, every time?

"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"

"To be safe, bitch"

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Alright class. Today, we're going to educate all teens about safe sex.

Or E.A.T.A.S.S for short

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Some people think the Alabama abortion law is too strict...

On the bright side, it's a great way to encourage men to practice safe sex when they fuck their daughters.

Edit : one word

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How long after a tonsillectomy is it safe to give a blowjob?

Asking for my wife. She had the operation in 2015 .

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I tried to have safe sex last night...

I failed... I forgot the combination!

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What's the definition of safe sex in Alabama ?

Locking your car door before humping your cousins

How tall does a cow have to be for its milk to be safe to drink?

Pasteurize

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

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Why can you always trust a vampire to practice safe sex?

They can't come inside without being invited!

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

I told my wife she can have the safe deposit box with the five hundred grand after the divorce.

She got really excited about those candy bars.

A man got home from his walk and his wife said:”Thank god you got home safe it’s raining cats and dogs!!!”

The man:”It’s not raining that bad I didn’t even step in any poodles”

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

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How to practice safe sex:

Give her a fake name and address.

Teens these days often forget to practice safe eating

Always use condiments

Told an inmate to have a safe drive home.

I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:

Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes,...

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

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What did the Nazi call his safe space?

Mein Kampfert zone

What's the downside to the promotional motto "it's just as safe as it is fun"?

It's dead boring.

It’s probably not safe for me to be driving my car right now.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

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My girlfriend told me she wanted to have safe sex

Now I just have to figure out the right combination

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

It is a little risky to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” from the internet. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly safe however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but The Byrds will never hurt you.

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How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

Now that the Wild Boars are all safe...

...Thailand maintains its reputation of happy endings.

Before I could take a drink of my milk, my dad snatched the glass from in front of me, held it just to the side of my head and slowly moved it from one side of my face to the other. “There, it’s safe to drink now”, he said....

It’s been “past your eyes”

He’s been gone for almost 20 years, and I still remember the dad jokes like they were perfectly executed yesterday.

How does a Lich keep his phylactery safe?

He *encrypts* it.

If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume

. . . . your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

What’s the best way to practice safe eating habits?

By using condiments.

Drive safe

I saw a driver texting and driving.

It made me so mad I threw my beer at him.

They should make another Taken movie about Liam Neeson being underappreciated for keeping his family safe

It should be called Taken 4: Granted

How will a border wall keep us safe...

If it keeps Americans IN?

Her: “I want to be safe so you have to wear a condom”

Him: “Don’t worry, I’m a Broward County Sheriff Deputy so there’s no chance I’ll come inside.”

What's the safest sport?

Pole vault.

They keep telling me to put on my seat belt to keep me safe during an accident

But don’t they know the safest place during an accident is outside the car.

Better be safe

A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

[Safe For Work] A child asked his father, “How were people born?”

So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said,...

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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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Let's talk about safe sex!

Do you think they'd close the door on the bank vault while we do it?

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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

Why wasn't the lifeguard able to safe the drowning hippy?

He was too far out, man.

Safe Flying

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor, and a Buddhist monk decided to book a flight to Nepal. The priest and the pastor boarded flight 3392, but the monk's seat was given to another passenger by mistake. The monk wasn't the least bit upset. He simply went to the ticket counter and traded his boardi...

A rabbit crosses an intersection and gets hit by a car,killing it instantly...

An animal lover,concerned about the well being of the rabbit,gets out of her car and rushes over to the rabbit,takes it's pulse,and immediately grabs a can out of her purse.She sprays it on the rabbit and instantly the recent roadkill jumps back to life,hops three times and waves,hops three times a...

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Why is Gordon Ramsay such a big advocate for safe sex?

Because without a condom, it's fucking raw.

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Remember to practise safe phone sex.

You don't want to risk getting hearing AIDS.

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