This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Condoms don't guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a racist, sexist, homophobe I can safely say...

Nothing.

My girl said her safe word

My girl said her safe word is “Meatloaf” because she would do anything for love but she won’t do that.

To play it safe I got all 3 shots this weekend

A shot of Crown Royal, a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Jack Daniels.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

Bank Robber: Where's the safe?

Teller:

Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE
SAFE?

Teller:

Bank Robber: WTF!!

Penn: He always does this.

Not sure why people are getting grief for using ivermectin to combat covid

The label clearly states it is safe for use in donkeys and jackassess.

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW, (Not Safe For Anyone). How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!

I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied, "Well..."

"It deep ends!"

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you practice safe sex?

By using the correct combination

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey reddit, always wear protection for safe sex. Make sure you wear a...

...mask.

If you take it off they might see your face and that would just ruin the mood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who has safe sex

Pregnain't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talking Horse for Sale

A guy is walking through the country when he spots a sign that reads, “Talking Horse for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks up to the stable to check it out.


“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the horse.


“I’ve led a full life,” the horse answers miraculously. “I was born i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a teenager's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door.

A man goes into a bar. The bar has a huge menu of odd drinks, most of which he doesn’t recognize. He sees one called ‘old reliable’, and figures that is a safe choice.

He says to the bartender, “I will have an old reliable.“

Bartender says,”one old reliable coming up.“ The man got his drink, takes sip of it. He then says, “good God, that drink is terrible.“ And the bartender says to him, “That’s right. Glass, after glass, after glass . . . .”

Guy and his comforter.

A newly married guy from a village went back to the city for his job. He went alone so that he could make living arrangements for him and his wife and then he'd take his wife as well. Once he got a decent apartment, he wrote a letter to his father in the village saying that father, please send my wi...

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

Someone should keep the ball safe so the Buccaneers don't get a Deflategate.

Nobody better Tampa with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women should think of the Penis like they should cars. They should be able to get from A to B on a daily basis, as safe and efficiently as possible, be easy to park in the garage without using the mirrors, and come with a load of kids if needed.

That being said, it is also nice to get a big black stretch limo for her birthday to make her feel special.

Whats the difference between you and eggs

Eggs get laid



Ps: Sorry if this has been posted before(playing it safe)

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him..

A wealthy man suspects his wife is cheating on him. He decides he'd call in during his work day and try to catch his wife in the act. A woman's voice answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hello? Who is this?" the man replies. The voice responds, "I'm the housekeeper. I was hired this morning. Sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say

that my addiction got out of hand?

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a store and gets a redbull.

He buys one can of redbull, goes to the fifth floor, and chugs it before he jumps out the window.

5 minutes later, he comes into the store again, buys a can of redbull and drinks it, and jumps out the fifth floor again.

He does this on repeat for half an hour, until a man notices and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

Me: Hey, is this safe to eat?

Bank Teller: No, sir, it is for you to put money in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out.

A blonde was checked into the hospital when a fire broke out. The entire hospital was being evacuated. As the fire spread, a fireman was checking for stragglers when he found the blonde choking on smoke while pulling on a nurse's assistant's gown. The fireman grabbed the blonde and took her outside ...

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Our safe word Is flower.

But she keeps saying flour.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

A traveling salesman had got lost one day while driving through the Midwest farm country. So he stopped at a farm house for directions.

While the farmer was giving the salesman directions, he noticed all the farm animals were penned except a 3 legged pig roaming around the farm yard.

Curious the salesman asked the farmer what was the story about the 3 legged pig.

"Why this is no ordinary pig. In fact he's quite amazing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be safe

Guys Be careful!!!

Over the last month, my friend Lalit became a victim of a clever scam while at an Pantaloons shopping mall. Don't think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your v...

A cop pulls over a car.

He goes up to the window and finds a little old lady in the driver seat. The cop say "Ma'am the reason I pulled you over is because you were driving well below the speed limit and causing a long line of traffic to back up. It's very unsafe."

The lady replied "No officer. The sign back there s...

I decided to buy a vault to keep my money in.

Better safe than sorry.

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches aro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He meets his new workmates and they head up to the roof to start work.
One of the workers picks up a pile of bricks and steps off the edge of the building falling 10 stories and landing safely at the bottom.
He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

Today I saw perfect example of playing safe .

US Media posting the count of Trump's lies after he lost the elections.

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bear, the Rabbit, & The Magical Golden Frog

A bear & a rabbit were walking through the forest when they happened upon a magical golden frog, sitting alone by a pond. The magical golden frog was such a rare find, that anyone who found him would be granted three wishes.

“Well, since you both managed to find me at the same time, I’ll...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

WANTED: A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

It’s safe to say the police are working tirelessly to catch him.

What should you do when you see a blue tit?

Say the safe word and take the ropes off.

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

A gun company has been criticised after bringing out a pistol covered in Lego

The manufacturer says it's perfectly safe, unless you step on it in bare feet.

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Post Ever

Skydiver is falling over the beach. He tries to pull his parachute and the string breaks. He closes his eyes and starts to pray for his life when he hears SPLAT and there's goo and blood and guts all over the beach.

The skydiver opens his eyes to see he landed safely on the beach in a giant B...

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the F out of way.


*pause to let them ponder*


... there is no F in way...

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A man with a large penis goes to the doctor

For he has a very bad stuttering problem.

He says the to doctor “i i i I’ve g g g got a a a a p p p problem i can’t t t t talk in f f f full S S S sentences.”

The doctor says “well maybe you just have a bad stutter but we will run some tests on you to make sure.”

So they run t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

My friends garage

I was speaking to my friend the other day about the fact he leaves his garage full of stuff completely open all the time and if he was worried about anything getting stolen.

I said to him, "You either have a massive pair of bollocks, or nothing worth stealing"

He ranted about how safe...

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

What do you call a modem in a safe?

A secure connection.

Why was Sirius Black safe from COVID?

Because he was quarantined in Maskaban

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hooked up with a GILF

We get to her place she said she didn't need a safe word. If anything went wrong just hit her LifeAlert button

Interviewer : Which batch?

Candidate : Corona batch.
Interviewer : Ok, stay home, stay safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caller ID helps keep my wife safe

When she doesn't come home at night, I call her ID and it tells me which bar she's at so I can pick her drunk ass up.

I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...

... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arri...

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just warning not safe

If Hitler was accepted into art school he probably still would’ve become a vigilante killing people he didn’t like. Then he would become Batmein

How did the bank robber choose his next target?

He used Google safe search.

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.

He refused two.

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

Wearing two masks can keep yourself and others even safer from covid than just one, but...

tying a plastic bag over your head can keep you safe from covid for the rest of your life.

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

I'm walking down the street when out of nowhere a shellfish falls out of the sky

and hits me in the head. Dazed, I pick up the mollusk and say "Where did you come from, little guy?" The shell creases open slightly and I hear it say "A tornado picked me and threw me. You better get somewhere safe, it's headed this way!" I look around and see mostly blue skies, except for a few cl...

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

Stay safe lads

What are an electrician's last words?

"Hey, what is that cable used f..."

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

If you were born in September.....

it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Goodbye Grandpa

A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God
bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't kn...

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I vowed to start practicing safe sex.

So I bought your mom some kneepads

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

My username is not safe for work.

u/safeforwork was already taken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here the one about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom. That way you can wine and dine your date and stick her with the bill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

I asked the Southwest Airlines clerk her personal and honest opinion if it was safe to fly during the pandemic.

She said "I'm not sure... it's up in the air."

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

Three people were about face death sentence

The first guy was about to be shot and he shouted “TSUNAMI" and everybody rushed to the sea to looked and he escaped
The second guy was about to be shot and he shouted“EARTHQUAKE" and everybody rushed to a safe place and he escaped
The third guy was about to be shot and he shouted“FIRE"
so ...

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.