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Safe Jokes

What's the perfect 'safe word'?

Meatloaf

(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.)

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

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[NSFW] Condom doesn't guarantee safe sex

my friend use it, but still got shot by the woman's husband

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How to make girls feel safe in the hallways

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe. So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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Why is it safe to have unprotected sex with a vampire?

Because vampires can't come inside unless invited.

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What is a teenager's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe. Things were going well but there was just one problem.

I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as "The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...

"It deep ends..."

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

I don't feel safe in my neighborhood.

Every house I try to break into has a Pitbull terrier.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

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How do ISIS members practice safe sex?

they mark the camels that kick

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

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Remember to practise safe phone sex.

You don't want to risk getting hearing AIDS.

How much lead is safe to eat

It depends on the velocity

Sicily isn't a safe place for Jehovah's Witnesses.

I've heard that Sicilians really don't like witnesses.

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

My friend was telling me about a salmon that could break into safes...

Turned out to be a lox myth.

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

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I always wear a helmet during intercourse cause I'm a firm believer in safe sex.

Doesn't help much against the STD's but it sure is effective against the pepper-spray.

Covid vaccine is not safe

My friend had gotten both his doses. Still died when he fell off the 19th floor.

Why are bass guitarists always safe?

Because they stay out of treble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the man remove the Swiss Army knife from his rectum safely without hurting himself?

Please answer soon it’s starting to hurt

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The best safe-word for sex is 'meatloaf'

It means "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that."

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

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Baby Jokes [NSFW] [NSFL] NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE.

What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
You take off your boots before you jump on a trampoline.

How do you make a baby spin around?
Blender.
How do you take it back out?
Nachos.

What do you call a dead baby on a wall?
Art.
What do you call a dead baby ...

Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?

Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!

(Tagged NSFW to be on the safe side)This penguin is out in a road trip.

You know, just seein’ the sights, being a tourist.

He gets out on the freeway and really opens ‘er up tearing siwn the road.

Suddenly, his car gives a pop, and smoke starts billowing out of his hood.

Cripes, he thinks, and he pulls off the freeway and slowly works his way to a m...

Every night, my whole life, I'd prayed to the saints to keep my family and home safe.

Which is why when my house was destroyed in an earthquake my faith was shook. The saints must have been distracted by something that day. I don't want to point the finger at anyone in particular, but I can't help feeling it must have been San Andreas' fault.

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Be safe

Guys Be careful!!!

Over the last month, my friend Lalit became a victim of a clever scam while at an Pantaloons shopping mall. Don't think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your v...

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

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What do you call a safe place for whiny people who complain a lot?

An O-bitch-uary

My son created a kids safe Godzilla Knock Knock Joke

Son: Knock Knock

Victim: Who's there?

Son: Godzilla

Victim: Godzilla who?

Son: Raaawr! Chomp!

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How do you keep your ass safe in prison?

Don’t wipe

Me: I think it’s safe to assume we are both donkeys.

My friend: Careful, you know what happens when you assume.

Me: Exactly.

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

I want to be a rock climber, but I’m taking mattress making classes just to be safe.

It’s…something to fall back on.

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife had concerns about intimacy during pregnancy but "What To Expect When You're Expecting" says that blowjobs are ALWAYS safe.

So I don't understand why she gets so worked up about what I do in the privacy of a men's restroom.

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

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What did the Nazi call his safe space?

Mein Kampfert zone

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As a racist, sexist, homophobe I can safely say...

Nothing.

A Christmas warning - be safe out there.

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to shots. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the lim...

Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!

I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!

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Me and my wife have been married for 35 years

and I've never let her look into the safe.

Last week, when I went to the market she looked in the safe.

When I got back she said:

Wife: Jethro I looked into the safe

Me: I told you not to look in the safe

Wife: There's $40,000 in cash in there & three eggs! Wha...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe

Bus driver: I really don't care

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What do you call a girl who has safe sex

Pregnain't

Stay safe lads

What are an electrician's last words?

"Hey, what is that cable used f..."

Two men are delivering a very heavy safe into an aparment building.

They were an old man and a young man. They both walk up with the heavy safe for one floor and then the second floor, completely out of breath they stop for a bit just to catch some air.

They do one more floor and are completely exhausted. The old man says,

"Look on the safe, it says it...

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

Is it safe to eat salad yet?

It romaines to be seen.

What important step precedes the safe placement of C4?

B4.

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A Safe Death

A man was having serious medical problems and had an appointment to see his doctor. He was so distraught over the likely possibility of bad news that he asked his son to go along with him.

Sure enough, the doctor announced that the man had terminal cancer and had only a short time to live. Ne...

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer walk up to a bridge

Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.

\- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks

\- 99.97% - the engineer replies confid...

Me: Hey, is this safe to eat?

Bank Teller: No, sir, it is for you to put money in.

A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building

So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.



The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.


...

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

Why was Sirius Black safe from COVID?

Because he was quarantined in Maskaban

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I like to practice safe sex

Why?

Because I'm a guy, and I'm smarter, obviously

What do women say, with their small brains, every time I put on a condom? What do they say, every time?

"Why are you wearing a condom when I'm fucking you with a strap on?"

"To be safe, bitch"

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, “Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, “Go forth and multiply,” but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, “Why have you not followed my command?”

*“We can’t multiply. We’re Adders.”*

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My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

To play it safe I got all 3 shots this weekend

A shot of Crown Royal, a shot of Jim Beam, and a shot of Jack Daniels.

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What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

What is called when two guys go out for the evening while demonstrating safe covid protocol?

A mask man-date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.



Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

Is it safe to say?

It's the year of the bat...

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

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My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caller ID helps keep my wife safe

When she doesn't come home at night, I call her ID and it tells me which bar she's at so I can pick her drunk ass up.

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

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I vowed to start practicing safe sex.

So I bought your mom some kneepads

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

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NSFW, (Not Safe For Anyone). How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his dick

I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.

I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as balls, there was a damn bus on my lawn and I don't know what the hell is goin...

What do you call a modem in a safe?

A secure connection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Welsh farmers practice safe sex?

Spray a red 'X' on the back of ones that kick.

Today I saw perfect example of playing safe .

US Media posting the count of Trump's lies after he lost the elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey reddit, always wear protection for safe sex. Make sure you wear a...

...mask.

If you take it off they might see your face and that would just ruin the mood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

Everyone keeps talking about these “safe spaces”...

well call me old fashioned but I’m going to keep calling them banks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

Better be safe

A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher safe?

IDK but they're perfect for a continental breakfast.

- that's some faulty humour -




Source:
http://lustyyouth.tumblr.com/post/119359329507/affectionateghostie-maddoraptor-edwrad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember safe sex rules

Don't tell your name or address

its always safe to tell shoes your secrets

thats because they would never tell a sole

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

Someone should keep the ball safe so the Buccaneers don't get a Deflategate.

Nobody better Tampa with it.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

How will a border wall keep us safe...

If it keeps Americans IN?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here the one about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom. That way you can wine and dine your date and stick her with the bill.

[NSFW] I wish I could remember my safe word...

I want life to stop screwing me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My little brother asked me about safe sex

I told him that it's dangerous, fucked up, and that he should just have sex with people instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

My girlfriend found my stash of money I keep in an old boardgame and is insisting I put the money in the bank...

Better safe than Sorry I guess.

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's talk about safe sex!

Do you think they'd close the door on the bank vault while we do it?

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

If you're born in September, its pretty safe to assume

. . . . your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl?

Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards.

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have "safe sex" ...

... because I have never been turned on by anything with a combination lock.

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