Mama, is this safe to eat?

No honey... it’s for storing our valuables.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best safe word to use during sex is “meatloaf”

Because it means, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that”

Our safe word Is flower.

But she keeps saying flour.

An older couple are working together in their home office and the old man figures out that he needs a specific business document out of the office safe...

As he’s looking through numerous documents, he comes across their marriage license. Instantly, he is overcome with frustration when he realizes a missing detail.

“This is terrible! There’s no expiration date on our marriage license!”

The wife turns around from her work and reaches aro...

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be safe

Guys Be careful!!!

Over the last month, my friend Lalit became a victim of a clever scam while at an Pantaloons shopping mall. Don't think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your v...

How do you safely reuse a condom?

You turn it inside out and shake the f*** out of it.

Today I saw perfect example of playing safe .

US Media posting the count of Trump's lies after he lost the elections.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say

that my addiction got out of hand?

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsay is the best person to teach about safe sex.

Because if theres one thing he hates in life,

"It's fucking raw"

I used to really want to know how to break into bank safes

It’s not all that it’s cracked up to be

A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice

The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.

"Stupid bird, it was you that scared the hell out of me"

"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"

The burglar laughs and says "That's a stupid name for a parrot"

The parrot replied "Well,...

Is it safe to say that babies born in the year 2020 will be called....

...doomers?

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know if it's NSFW but just to be safe

3 cockroaches are in a human bathroom, talking to each other. Suddenly, a human enters, so one hides in the bath, one hides in the sink, and lastly one hides in the toilet.
After the human does his business and leaves, they all meet up. The bath one asks if everyome is fine as he is. The sink one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a man's idea of safe sex?

A padded headboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caller ID helps keep my wife safe

When she doesn't come home at night, I call her ID and it tells me which bar she's at so I can pick her drunk ass up.

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didnt find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave. The next mornings newspaper headline reads, "Worlds Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just warning not safe

If Hitler was accepted into art school he probably still would’ve become a vigilante killing people he didn’t like. Then he would become Batmein

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

After The Flood...

After the flood, satisfied his work was done, Noah was inspecting the Ark one last time when he came across a pair of snakes.

"Why are you still here?" he asked in surprise. "It's safe now. Go forth! And multiply!"

The snakes stared at him in confusion.

"But....we're adders."

What do you call a modem in a safe?

A secure connection.

What do condoms and masks have in common?

Its safe to come inside if you're wearing them

“A Hand-sanitiser and a mask is all you need to be safe!”

So they said......
But then I found out they were all wearing clothes as well.
(This is a regional joke I hardly think you guys will like it)

My Dad tried twisting the wicks of a handful of firecrackers together and accidentally pulled them out. I told him to stop and not try to fix them, it wasn't safe.

He refused two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and hea...

I’m not supposed to say anything, but you all deserve to know....

Hey,  So heads up.... I wasn’t allowed to say anything until today, but it's now okay for me to share that I volunteered for the Covid-19 vaccine from Pfizer. The vaccine is the one that has been developed in Russia. It is in 6 different stages and I received my first dose earlier this morning 09:20...

Why was Sirius Black safe from COVID?

Because he was quarantined in Maskaban

[NSFW] Safecracker: This is actually my safe, the one I keep at home

Safecracker's wife: Let's label it NSFW

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

Stay safe lads

What are an electrician's last words?

"Hey, what is that cable used f..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

I saw someone dressed like a hooker in stiletto heals standing on a coroner.

It looked painful, but he didn’t use the safe word, so I guess we’re all into BDSM.

Someone just left a safe with some dynamite on top and ran away.

Edit: wow this exploded! Thanks for the gold, stranger!

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Why doesn't Reddit have an NSFL (Not safe for life) warning

Because Redditors have no life

An Italian guy cracking a joke

Q: Why Russia is-a not safe?





A: Because of crime-a

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

I'm safe in Kentucky..

Warning label of a paint can: This product contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm.

Me: *whiffing the fumes* Thank God I'm safe in Kentucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man throws up a cow pat and goes to the doctor

Doctor: "I can't seem to figure out the issue so I'll give you some shots just be on the safe side"

Man: "No! Those things make you sick and allow the government to insert tracking chips!"

Doctor: "Who told you this?"

Man: "My wife"

Doctor: "Tell me, does your wife make ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hot Tip :

When someone yells pickpocket start searching for your wallet near your groin and exclaim" Thank God my wallet is safely tucked in between my testicles." The pickpocket will see this and assume that the wallet is there. These people usually have very supple and delicate hands so when they try to tak...

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

Bank Robber : Wherr is the safe?

Teller :

Bank Robber : WTF. Where is the safe?

Teller :

Penn : He always does this.

Drunkenness!

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it
. Behind you is a lion running at the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man went

to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the elderly man.

"Because it’s not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I really need it," said the man.

"Why do you need it so badly?" aske...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

How do you fit an elephant inside of a Safeway?

.
.
.
.

you take the 's' out of "safe", and the 'f' out of "way".

Most reddit users will be safe from Coronavirus.

Heath authorities say it spreads from human contact.

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

Our Boss has locked all toilet paper away in the company safe.

If you need to go to the toilet you have to get a dollar note from the cash register.

US law enforcement is like Clorox bleach...

Safe for whites, but tough on colors.

Two Letters

You know, when they forced Khruschev out, he sat down and wrote two letters to his successor. He said – “When you get yourself into a situation you can’t get out of, open the first letter, and you’ll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can’t get out of, open the second letter”....

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl+esh. Like everyone elshe.

Safe travels, Sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Saturday night, John and William conspired to steal a crate of rolls from the baker

As they wondered where to take their stolen loot, John suggested the cemetery, as no clear headed person would dare to take a Saturday night stroll among the graves.

Upon arriving at this questionable hangout, the gate proved to be quite a cumbersome obstacle to overcome. In the mad scramble ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer

So I killed them all just to be safe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the ...

I asked the Southwest Airlines clerk her personal and honest opinion if it was safe to fly during the pandemic.

She said "I'm not sure... it's up in the air."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the memb...

How do bees keep safe at home during a Corona lockdown?

Stay in a hive!
Stay in a hive!
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Stay in a hiiiiiiiiiiiive....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

A bard and a priest are trapped amid rising floodwaters.

"What are we gonna do?!" Screams the bard.

"Quick," the priest says,"Give me your guitar!"

"We're going to die and you want to play guitar?!" The bard exclaims.

"Trust me."

And with a single strum, a white light envelops them. When the light clears, they find themselves o...

Twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?


Teacher: 502.


Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?


Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!


Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

...

When a Cardinal died...

When a Cardinal died and reached the pearly gate, he was told to wait because St Peter was busy admitting a taxi driver. The Cardinal became angry. How could this common Christian take precedence over a prince of the Church?

Finally, St Peter appeared and apologised to the Cardinal saying,” Y...

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are interviewing for a cryptanlyst position. To understand how they approach a problem, the interviewer asks each of them to solve one plus one.

The mathematician responds first, and says, "It is trivial to prove that a unique solution exists." The physicist goes next, and says "The answer will virtually always lie between 1.99 and 2.01." And finally, engineer says, "It looks to be about two, but let's play it safe and call it three."

Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for.

He just smiles and says:

"No one infects the Spanish ink physician"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I vowed to start practicing safe sex.

So I bought your mom some kneepads

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe?

Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here the one about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom. That way you can wine and dine your date and stick her with the bill.

Statistics can be misleading.

For example, 5 out of 6 people think Russian roulette is perfectly safe.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

Even if tectonic plates aren't dishwasher safe...

I bet they make for a great continental breakfast!

Why are French sailors afraid to count?

The last one to do it got safely to four but then he cinq.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Check this one out (I half made this up)

A boy in middle school is having his first sex ed class and he's learning about safe sex. The teachers says he's going to demonstrate how to put on a condom using a banana. The boy learns a lot, so when he goes home he tells him mom what he learned. His mom responds:

"He put a banana peel on ...

They should first test the Covid vaccine on Trump....

If he's safe, the vaccine is good.

But, if he dies, the country is safe.

Mountaineers are completely safe from Covid-19

because you can't cross a vector with a scaler.

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

The vaccine's trial should be done on politicians first

If they survive the vaccine is safe, if they don't the country is safe.

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

its always safe to tell shoes your secrets

thats because they would never tell a sole

I've been transferred to Baltimore...

Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Baltimore, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Baltimore. I've heard things are te...

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

Booooooooobies!

Happy Halloween! Stay safe everyone!

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

Scruffy! Get out of there!

A young man nervously went to his girlfriend’s house for dinner and to meet her family. As they were sitting eating, his nerves were getting the better of him and he felt a tremendous build up of gas. Unfortunately, since he was the focus of attention, he just couldn’t find a break in the conversati...

My friend was told that bungee jumping would be safe.

It turned out to be quite a stretch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redheaded farmer is out in his field minding his own business.

He's tidying up down by the fence next to the road.

A posh limey comes gliding up in his Tesla.

Paddy, that's the Irish farmer, didn't hear the limey roll up so the limey honks his horn, startling Paddy.

"I say," asked the limey "does this road go to the Blarney Stone my good ma...

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said.

Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

A traveler was walking along the side of the road in Arizona, hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm;

Time passed slowly and no vehicles went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.


Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.


Wanting a ride v...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a shrink’s office.

“What’s wrong?” Asks the shrink.

“It’s a little embarrassing” answers the man.

“This is a safe place” assures him the shrink.

“Well doc, recently, i can’t seem to be able to focus” replays the man.

“What’s distracting you?” Asks the shrink.

“Well, i guess there is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

There's an ultracryogenic explosive that's perfectly safe until it's cooled to absolute zero.

0 K boomer.

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