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Cucumbers Jokes

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

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Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

Why do cucumbers have a plastic wrapper around them?

So you can still eat them after usage

(Classic Joke) A woman and her male neighbour each buy greenhouses…

They both decide to grow tomatoes and a few months later they meet up and talk about how they’re getting on.

The man says his are big and red, but the woman says hers are still green and asks the man his secret.

‘Everyday I go in the greenhouse naked. The tomatoes are so embarrassed ...

Remember that cucumbers need to be washed extra vigorously.

You can do what my mom did, and take them into the shower with you.

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My wife used to grow cucumbers in her garden to use as dildos.

She had to stop after a problem with squatters

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

What did the cucumber said to the other cucumber?

Nothing. Cucumbers don't speak.

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Where do porn stars buy their cucumbers?

Hole Foods

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At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

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Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

What do you call a Parisian who enjoys canning cucumbers?

A French Pickler.

Why are there no sea cucumbers in the dead sea?

Because they're sea pickles!

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, “Yep, they’re 79 cents each or two for a dollar.” She said, “Okay, give me two, I’ll eat one.”

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?

Queuecumbers

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Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers

Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbers

Doctor: no, it can really harm your dick

A man in line for cucumbers in USSR is fed up

and says to the man behind him in line "This is BS! I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody in the Kremlin!".

He returns to the line with a dejected look on his face a couple of hours later. Everyone asks "What happened? Did you kill them?"

He answers "No. The line was even long...

One day there was a farmer tending to his crops when he saw a nun walking down the road.

He asked her where she was going and she told him the local convent was out of food so she was headed into town to see if anyone could spare some food. The farmer told her he could save her a trip and just give her some of his crops. Unfortunately, the only crop he had ready to harvest was cucumbers...

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

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The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked....

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

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