Did you know cucumbers improve your memory?

My uncle put one in me when I was a kid and I still haven't forgotten.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do porn stars buy their cucumbers?

Hole Foods

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know cucumbers are actually really good for your memory?

My uncle put one in my ass 12 years ago and I still remember it.

What do you call 10 cucumbers in line?

Queuecumbers

Why are cats afraid of cucumbers?

They dont like anything cooler than they are.

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers

I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesnt think that im a vegan

A man in line for cucumbers in USSR is fed up

and says to the man behind him in line "This is BS! I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody in the Kremlin!".

He returns to the line with a dejected look on his face a couple of hours later. Everyone asks "What happened? Did you kill them?"

He answers "No. The line was even long...

What do you call 10 cucumbers lined up waiting for a bus?

A quecumber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: you should stop masturbating with cucumbers

Patient: oh, read somewhere that it was safe to masturbate with cucumbers

Doctor: no, it can really harm your dick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adam sneaks away from Eve to ask God a couple of questions. Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"

God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it....

A woman asked the grocer if he had any cucumbers.

He said, “Yep, they’re 79 cents each or two for a dollar.” She said, “Okay, give me two, I’ll eat one.”

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

In my Horticulture class we were supposed to grow cucumbers, but I didn't pay attention to the lessons.

You could say I was in a pickle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At school, children learn about cucumbers

Miss Campbell starts the class by drawing a large cucumber on the blackboard. The whole class starts laughing. Miss Campbell blushes and questions Little Johnny:

'What do you think I drew on the blackboard?'

'A dick!' exclaims Little Johnny.

Miss Campbell is taken aback and runs...

What's the difference between a Man and a Cucumber?

Cucumbers don't mind hiding in the fridge when your Mum gets home

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers...

Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back.
One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pickled cucumber factory

Darren used to work at a pickled foods factory. He worked with the cucumber slicer that would be one of the last steps before the cucumbers went into their little jars. Everything was going well, until one day, he came back to his wife feeling ashamed and sad.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store

and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

He says, “you’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars l...

Two nuns go to a farmers market...

They see a sign that says

"Cucumbers 3 for the price of 2"

one nun turns to the other and says

"well, we could always eat one"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.