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Elite Jokes

3 soldiers take a test to get into a secret elite unit

The instructor says to the first soldier "The love of your life is tied to a chair in that room. Here's a gun i want you to go in there and kill her. Then you have past the test". The soldier goes in the room and after 5 minutes walks back out and says "sorry I can't do it". The instructor says "wel...

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

During the French Revolution, the commoners were busy executing the elite and bourgeoisie by beheading them.

They dragged a lawyer up on the guillotine, but as the blade dropped toward his neck, it inexplicably stopped. That was taken as a sign from God to spare his life and he was freed.

Then they brought a wealthy merchant up for execution, but again the blade stopped just short and he, too, was ...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I used to be elite back in my country, but then I moved to the USA

Now I'm just 1:37 PM

I'm writing a musical about a rag-tag team of Breitbart columnists standing up to the mainstream media elites.

It's called Fake Newsies.

Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp

He rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says "You have three wishes."

Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes."

Genie says "You have 255 more wishes."

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The most elite sex club in the world is...

the illuminaughty.

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So there is an elite team being put together for a government agency...

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And the ONLY requirements are you have to be married, you cant have any children, and you must have a law enforcement/military background. So police officers and ex military from all parts of the state start lining up and fighting for the position. And after...

What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches.

The iEyeCaptain

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Occupation

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostit...

A man applies for a job as a lumberjack

Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience?

Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years.

Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked?

The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir.

The Sahara ...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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A commander was fighting a barbarian horde

He created a trap of flammable liquid, which set fire to the enemy cavalry, which promptly retreated towards their fort.

The commander promptly went after them with his own elite cavalry, armour shining in the evening sun.

As the burning horsemen stormed in through the gate, the guards...

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

So who's winning?

Two men talking at the bar:

\- So, whats new?

\- NATO is at war with Russia

\- Oh, so how it's going?

\- Russia lost couple thousands of their soldiers including their elite squads, over hundred helicopters and planes, couple hundreds of armored vehicles and tanks, three ...

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What does the Catholic Church and Hollywood have in common?

They both have a sense of moral superiority while their elites are sex offenders.

Geography at its finest



{} Why are Europeans so elite at drifting

{}{}The Eurasian plate moves about one quarter to one half of an inch each year

A man walks into a bar...

*[This joke is not a part of your premier package. To see this joke you must upgrade to our Platinum Plus Elite Tier.]*

So there was a competition between polices...

(...) and the three finalists on this efficiency competition were: Interpol, FBI and Rio de Janeiro's Elite Squad.

The last assignment was really simple. They should retrieve a small rabbit after being released in a jungle. The group doing it in less time wins.

First went Interpol, wit...

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

A British ship is on a collision course and this is the following transcription with an Irish:

Irish: We need you to divert your course 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision.

British: No, you need to move your ship 15 degrees to the west to avoid collision. We’re not moving.

Irish: Negative. We’re gonna need you to divert your course to avoid a collision. Now!

British...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

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The worst line to start a sexting session with

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit.

These are their stories.

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

Anybody know some white people jokes?

I'm an avid racist and like to have plenty of denigrating jokes at the ready for any particular race. Sadly I know very few targeted at Caucasians, and the ones I do know make them look sorta good (rich, stable, part of ruling elite). Anybody know any jokes that poke fun at being white?

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The DOD was putting together a new special forces unit...

In response to rising global tensions the Department of Defense decided a new, elite top secret unit was needed. Recruits were assembled from the special forces units of all branches.

A panel of generals, high level intelligence officers and congressmen is formed to begin interviews. The firs...

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[NSFW]Four men preparing to become priests...

Four men were preparing to become priests, and they were on the last few trials. They passed all of the trials before the final with flying colors and were considered the elite. The man initiating the final trial told them the scenario. "All of you strip down to nothing and tie this bell around your...

Heard this joke by Reagan today-wanted to share

Its hard to get an automobile in the soviet union. They are owned mainly by elite bureaucrats. In a car incident, Gorbachev was late from getting to the Kremlin from his house. He told the chauffer, "Look we are running late so let me drive. I insist." So He told the Chaufer to get in the back and ...

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A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy... (x-post /r/dadjokes)

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this sm...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

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A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and ov...

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