UPJOKE
creamunguentsalvebalmlotionemollientdecongestantmedicationmedicinegellanolinremedycurativetherapeuticnard

Ointment Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got this new pain relief ointment.

The directions said to apply liberally so I started bitching about Trump while rubbing it on my pussy.

My doctor prescribed anti-gloating ointment.

I can't wait to rub it in.

A guy suffering with haemorrhoids regularly visits his physician for his ointment application.

This time the physician was on leave for the weekend, so he goes home and asks his wife’s help to apply his ointment instead. So he gets ready by going down on all fours, and the wife begins to apply the ointment. After a while he realises that his wife is resting only one hand on his shoulder and i...

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy.

I need to quit making rash decisions.

A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

What do you call an expired invisibility cream?

Disap-ointment.

(OC)

How does Batman take care of Poison Ivy?

Ointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostatitis

A guy develops prostrate problems and goes to his doctor for a checkup.

The Doctor tests him and gives him an ointment to apply in the rectum.

The patient not knowing how to do that, asks his doctor to apply it for him and goes there everyday for the treatment.

Once the doctor h...

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

Lady brings Muffy to the Vet

Lady goes to the vet with Muffy, who has a large hairy growth emanating from her posterior.

"Doctor, can you do anything about that big hairy growth there?"

Vet says, "No problem, here's a prescription for some ointment, just rub it on the hairy growth and it'll be gone in no time at a...

I'm dressing up as a (dead) hooker for Halloween...what are some lines you NEVER want to hear a hooker say?

For example, "I just need to put some ointment on my herpes, and then we are good to go."

I know, I'm terrible at this! Please help!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Brand new

A man is getting married in a month, and is a bit stressed over the wedding night and what's to come. He's afraid that his penis is too small to satisfy his wife to be. One day, he decides to go the doctor to check if there's something that can be done to increase his penis size and secure the pure ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.

“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”

“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rash.

It's the beginning of a new school year on a college campus. This doctor is getting rather busy with physicals and check ups on the campus.

A girl comes in for a check up and while she's shirtless the doctor sees a strange rash in the shape of a 'Y' on her chest.

The doctor asks her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cheapskate walks into a dentist office.....

"What's the problem?" asks the dentist. "I got a bad tooth that needs to be pulled." replied the cheapskate. "Well for $200 I can put you under and pull the tooth, you won't feel a thing." says the dentist. "Nah, that's way to much money, what else you got?"
"Well for $150 I can give you a numbin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

Everyone needs a little relaxation time once in a while [Long]

So my friend and I decided to unwind and visit this Day Spa that she highly recommended.

I had never heard of it before and asked her what was so great about it. However she refused to tell me why it was so good.

So we scheduled a visit for the following Sunday and when we arrived I r...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.