Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

How did the Jewish man make his craft beer.

Hebrew-ed it.

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jewish man owns a craft shop

The local tailor, a known racist and anti-Semite, goes into his shop and says "Oi, I want some yellow yarn, deliver it to my shop tomorrow at nine exactly."

The Jewish shop owner is loathe to serve this man, but knowing it's where almost a quarter of his profits come from, he has little choic...

Why was the craft beer snob sad?

He had saisonal depression.

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was recently caught for breaking into craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter.

It’s pretty nuts.

I like my craft beers like I like my abuse...

Domestic

There was a big controversy over my craft beer joke

It was a real brew ha ha

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Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

He was jack off all trades.

Two Jewish brothers started up a craft beer distillery

called He-Brews

I went to the local craft brewery last night and it was so busy...

The place was really hopping.

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show.

He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you....

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank.

Proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."

I thought, "No shit..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation should be considered a craft...

as it is 100% hand made.

Craft Beer

About six months ago, I joined the craft beer craze by setting up a back porch brewery, mixing my own corn mash and hops and water. It took me a few batches, by trial and error, but I finally got a good balance of bitterness, color, carbonation and “buzz.”

The stuff tasted pretty good, so I s...

Where do ultra conservative Muslims go to buy trinkets, crafts, and home goods?

Wahhabi Lobby

Inexplicably, there are random craft supplies scattered all throughout my living room.

I don't know what to make of it.

I own a store that sells crafts painted with blood

It's called the Artery

What does a confused student at Hogwarts study?

Which craft?

What's Hitlers favourite video-game?

Mein craft.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."

**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the...

Man in a wheelchair at the beer store

I was buying beer and there was this older southern gentleman in a wheelchair was looking at beer too. I said if he needed help grabbing anything to let me know and I'd help. In a slow long southern draw he said:

"I appreciate cha... I'm just shopping for my son... He really likes these craf...

What's Hitler's favorite game?

Meincraft

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray...

What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The solution to sin (Long-ish)

One day Saint Gabriel goes to God and says "Lord, there is so much sin in the world. Adultery, murder, lust, it's getting out of hand. We need to find a solution." The Lord agrees with Gabriel, and tasks him with devising a solution.

​

Gabriel convenes with the Angels, and t...

What do you call a voodoo live stream?

Twitch-craft.

An German naval captain is reassigned to a new u-boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

He goes to the bartender and asks for a beer the bartender puts an apple on the bar.

The man says "this is an apple I wanted a beer"

The bartender says "lick it!"

The man licks the apple and goes "okay it tastes like an apple"

The bartender says "okay turn it around, and ...

Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?

**They were past their hexpiration date!**

*I'm so sorry. My 8yo kid asked me to make up a joke and it's SO HARD to craft a joke that's kid-appropriate.*

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

John was an Astronaut...

John was an astronaut scheduled to fly on his first mission to the International Space Station. The media frenzy surrounding the launch was maddening. Everywhere John went, the media followed him.

He would part the curtains at his home in the morning, and the media was out there peering in, t...

The Test

After about 1.8 trillion times a planet circled their star, the life-forms that evolved there launched a small craft with an artificial likeness of themselves into orbit. It was done to show that they could and because it amused them. Years later, after they made their planet uninhabitable, they lef...

What alcohol do you drink in survival video games?

Craft beers

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a...

One day a man brought home a custom fan [Long]

One day a man bought a custom electric fan in the colors of his favorite sports team. It had a remote control and an ion freshener and all the bells and whistles. It even announced when the next game would be! It was expensive, but the man loved his team and well, summer is hot. His wife, none too h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

The Egyptian Boatmaker

Have you heard about the Egyptian boatmaker? For as long as he can remember, he has been wanting to make boats for a living.
But despite practicing his craft his entire life, he was always ridiculed for his work. Because no matter how hard he tried, his boats were not able to float for more than ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy is born without eyelids...

A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his foreskin to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.

Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.

The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...

The Silver Woman [Long]

One dark night a Frenchman by the name of Guillaume was hiking through the forest. Enraptured by the natural beauty of the world around him, he paused for a moment, taking in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, the sparkling ceiling of stars, and sighed contentedly. Looking up he saw a bright...

50 of the LEAST offensive jokes I know

1. What's a pirate's favorite letter? "**Arrrr!**" "No. Ya'd think so, but me first love be the C"
1. Why wasn't 6 excited that 7, her boyfriend, won her a prize at the fair? Because 711492.
1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
1. Why d...

A Joke Experiment

A guy walks into a bar…


That is the first line of the joke experiment. I’m curious to see if the r/jokes community can work together to craft the Perfect Joke. I don’t know if this has been done before, but I’m sure if it’s a bad idea it will be ignored (or downvoted into oblivion) anyway...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stanford University releases nearly 200 cases of sex abuse

A limited edition craft beer made on campus

I really admire assassins.

Not because of the genius way that they go about their craft, but because they managed to get "ass" in the same word twice.

A man starts a bakery

[Sorry if this joke sucks]

A man quits his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation. After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.

Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.
...

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still....

It was almost prom season...

So it was almost prom season, and this guy was thinking about asking a girl to be his date. First he went to the craft store, because nowadays you have to be crazy and extravagant to ask someone to prom, just asking is too lame. Once he finally gets all of his stuff together, he goes to pay, and the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A baby was born with no eyes lids...

So the doctors decided to circumcise him and use the skin to craft new eyes lids.

They botched it though and he came out looking a bit cock-eyed.

I'm opening the first place you can create a painting and brew your own beer

It's called "Arts & Crafts"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

Trump supporters claim that Donald is playing 4D chess

When really he's just playing Mein craft

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy dies and goes to Hell

And Satan comes up to him and says, "Hey, welcome to Hell! Let me show you around - now just to let you know we have a very strict schedule around here and I'm going to explain it to you. It's really not so bad down here, all the burning in hellfire stuff is just propaganda. Each day is devoted t...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Engineer builds a robot for his family.

He brings it up to the table at dinner.

"What is it for?" The wife said.

"It detects anyone who is lying and slaps them in the face. So..." *turns to his son* "What did you do at school today, sport?"

"Well, I did some arts and crafts and read at the library."

**SLAP**...

The Carpenter

There once was a man named Poly Van Echt. he worked as a carpenter in the Middle Ages. He spent years honing his craft, working under many master builders until he one day rose to prominence and became the official carpenter to the kingdom. The king came to him during a particularly rainy season, a...

A Frenchman, a Cuban, and a Texan are seated together on a plane...

The pilot announces an engine failure in their small commuter craft. Shortly after, the second engine fails. The pilot, in an attempt to drop dead weight instructs all luggage and passenger items to be thrown overboard.


It isn't enough, they're not gonna be able to glide to safety. Th...

An Englishman, Frenchman and American are caught by a tribe of Cannibals....

And cannot escape. They do however get to chose the method of their deaths.

the American goes first, surrounded by the tribe, his friends tied up watching, he asks for his shotgun and one shell. He declares "Long live the dollar and the American way!" And puts the muzzle up under his chin and...

Fighter jock and the cargo pilot

A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.

The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.

"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceed...

I want to open a bar that serves nothing but expensive beer and baked beans.

I'll call it Farts & Crafts.

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.

Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered...

A Nun Pun [x-post from /r/Catholicism]

Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While at the hospital

I was at the Maternity Ward, looking at all the new babys in with mine. When I spotted a little boy who was unfortunate enough to be born without eyelids. I asked the one of the doctors what they were going to do about it. They said "it's no problem, we will just use the skin from his circumcision...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Buttermilk pancakes and an orange Popsicle

There once was a man who loved trains more than anything else in the world. Ever since he was a boy, he would play with his toy trains and dream of driving trains for a real train company.



So, when he turned 18, he packed his bags and waved goodbye to his family. He headed out the doo...

Two people were standing in line at the movie theater...

This guy was standing in line at a theatre when the guy standing behind him started to knees and massage his shoulders and he turned around and said, "what the hell are you doing?"

The other man replied, "I am a masseuser and I need to practice my craft."

The first man said, "yeah? Wel...

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The sex shop

A woman shyly goes into a sex shop. She tells the man there that she's interested in buying a dildo but has no experience with these things.
"Well how about *this* one?" he asks. "It's gentle, not too big, and very popular with beginners."
"How much is it?"
"$50."
The woman buys...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to tell time.

An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking
the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing
the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at
their ramshackle hotel - the only one in town and which
always served meals promptly. They came upon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irish joke, my mum told me this over ten years ago (she's part Irish and can pull the accent) and I've created it to be a bit story like. Hope you like.

Paddy was outta work, and he ask'd his mam if she knew of any going.

She sent him down to the docks to his cousin Paddy. (Small world)

Me mam said der was a jab go'n.

(I'm going to do the rest in English cos Fuck writing it all like this!)

Paddy wasn't to happy about empl...

A restaurant owner hires a carpenter, an interior decorator and an SEO expert.

A bistro owner is three days away from opening her new business and hires a carpenter, an interior decorator and an SEO expert to help with designing the dining area to better attract customers. On the first day the carpenter crafts a beautiful bar at the end of her restaurant and brings in mahogany...