What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

I used to date a girl obsessed with carpentry. Finally I said, “You have to choose. It’s me or the equipment!”

She chose the ladder.

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Ladies, if your boyfriend wants matador equipment for Christmas...

That's a big red flag.

Huge crash on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over

There were cues for miles

I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I´ve just put all my old dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven´t had any bids yet, but there are 12 people watching!

What's with Trump and landscape equipment?

First he's raking for California, now he's hoeing for Saudi Arabia.

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

I used to sell farming equipment...

Until they outlawed slavery.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

I tried to make a joke about fishing equipment.

But the reel joke was in the comments.

Did you hear about the electronic chemistry equipment that was sent to prison?

It was charged with a salt in battery.

What do you call a BDSM enthusiast who lost her equipment?

A Ropeless Homantic

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

If gym equipment was invisible...

Gyms would look like silent raves

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment.

"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."

Dogs can't operate medical equipment...

But cats can.

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

What type of equipment do you operate for abortions?

A baby excavator.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

I got in trouble in gym class, so the coach made me sit in the back, in near all the equipment.

There's nothing I can do. He's really got me by the balls.

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.

​

In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I rea...

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman.

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate?

Discus.

Given up hunting, fishing & drinking

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

There was a nun who volunteered at a hospital,

and since she had her doctorate and medical license, the hospital allowed her to prescribe medications. In fact, she took great joy in being able to provide prescriptions immediately, and so modified one of her uniforms to start carrying some of the more common medications and equipment. Over time, ...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

What gym equipment does Jesus use?

A cross trainer.

What do you call funny laboratory equipment?

A comical flask.

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

Scientists are such a pain, they need so much expensive equipment. Mathemeticians on the other hand ...

They just need a pencil, a paper and a waste paper basket. Philosophers are even easier, they don't even need the waste paper basket.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hunt for bears

One day two friends decided to go hunting bears, they had all the equipment and they were ready to go.
After they got to the forest the first friend said:

"Should we have a plan for this? How will we find a bear?"

"That's easy.. We have our gun, we have our dog and we have our trail...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper tol...

Too much drinking!

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] Two police officers are talking about what they think was the most expensive crime/robbery in history.

The first officer talks for a few minutes about a bank robber who stole millions of dollars, and had over 50 heists, which he did single handedly, and has still never been caught to this day.

The second officer however, has a much more interesting tale.

“His name was Jack “Richy” Brigg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elephant Trunk

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she say...

A man scuttled out to his garage and began pulling the lawn furniture out onto the driveway.

Shortly after he did the same with the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbour wandered over and asked if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the man. “My son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date.”

“S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are repost-Clocks, every subreddit on Earth has a repost-Clock. Every time the sub reposts the han...

What’s the most merciful thing you can do for a vegetable?

Unplug it from life sustaining equipment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.I knew she was into so...

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman delivers a baby

The doctor takes the baby, throws it against the wall, smashes it against the hospital equipment, drop-kicks it, etc. The mom starts freaking out, is being held back by nurses screaming "WHYYYYYYY THE FUCK???!?!?"


The doctor then suddenly stops, holds the baby upside down by the ankle a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A state trooper pulls over a speeding car.

The trooper approaches the car and says “90 miles an hour in a 65, what’s the rush?”

The man in the car replies “I’m a magician and juggler at the circus and I’ll be late!”

The state trooper thinks for a minute and puts the man up to a challenge. The state trooper says “Alright, here’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men argue, who has the most stupid wife.

First one says: "My wife can't swim, yet she bought herself a complete scuba diving equipment."
Second one says: "That's nothing: my wife has vertigo even when she looks down a window on the first floor, yet she bought herself a hang-glider."
Third one says: "That's nothing, gentlemen: my ...

A truck driver had stopped for dinner at a cafe in a small town

Some of the regulars there noticed him and began sniffing the air.

"I smell nerd," said a regular to the truck driver. "Are you a nerd?"

The truck driver nervously said, "No, I'm not a nerd. Why?"

Another regular said, "Because around here we shoot nerds."

"Yeah," said ...

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

Lost in Translation

An Italian guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are hired to do some construction labor. The Foreman pulls them together and says, “I need you three to move this big pile of sand to the other side of the jobsite.”

He tells the Italian,”You’re in charge of shoveling the sand into the wheelbar...

Weights

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department of the sporting goods store.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, M...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

And older man marries a beautiful younger woman, but has trouble getting it up.

So he goes to his doctor to see if there's anything that can help. The man is worried about taking drugs to help his ED, so the doctor tells him, "Well, there's an experimental surgery where we graft on a muscle from an elephant's trunk." The man gets very excited about this, and they proceed with t...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get an erection.

He says, "Doc, I just can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back. Please help me!"


The doctor says, " Well, there is a new experimental procedure I read about where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis. This gives you back the ful...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

A gynecologist decides to find a new career

A gynecologist was tired of his career, and decided to go into an entirely new field. So, he signs up for a course in auto mechanics.

He does well in the course, and is confident that he did well on the final exam: A complete engine rebuild.

When he gets his test score back, he is surp...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

The winter war between Finland and the USSR

The Soviet general was moving with his army when he hears a whisper

"A Finnish soldier is better than 10 Russian soldiers"

Furious he sends out his best 10 men. Gunshots are heard but they do not return and he hears another whisper:

" A Finnish soldier is better than 100 Russia...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life of a salesman

So a department store famous for carrying everything is looking to hire a new sales associate. They have narrowed it down to two candidates. They decide to do a trial run and give them each a week to see who earns the highest commission to see who gets the job.

The first guy comes in every d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Official Rules for Indoor Golf

(an oldie, but a goodie)

1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Erectile dysfunction...

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take some muscles from the ...

A pilot is flying a small one-seater plane over southern Africa in 1960...

when suddenly, his navigation equipment stops functioning. Because he has a general idea of where to go, he decides to keep flying.

Several hours pass, and the pilot is getting worried. He's running low on fuel, and doesn't have any idea where he is. He decides that he will land at the next r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy named Bud...

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his
herd in a remote mountainous pasture in
Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes,
RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the
window ...