What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

I'm going to have a break from stealing snooker equipment....

but 1st I'm just going to take a rest

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

If you are a serious tennis player, you should string your own equipment

Anything off the shelf is a racket

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed in the motorway

Queues on both sides.

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?

Through the dumbbell door.

So I tried transmitting a joke over some old infrared equipment I had laying around.

Let's just say it wasn't well received.

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There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the water it's a 32 degrees Celsius".


The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature i...

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

Give a man a fish and he will have a meal,

Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

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A man suddenly experiences severe pains, and makes it to the nearest hospital...

But unfortunately it's a children's hospital. Thankfully, the doctors are able to see him, but they determine he needs surgery.

Unfortunately, the hospital is ill-equipped for a man his size.

The first option was to send him to another hospital nearby, but he's feeling too ill for the...

What do you call a place you go to buy evacuation equipment?

A flee market

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

I think my ham radio equipment may have fallen in love with me.

It hasn't said anything but I've been picking up a lot of signals.

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

What do you call functioning communication equipment found in Chernobyl?

Radioactive.

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sam decided to go skiing with his best friend, Dean.

They loaded up Sam's jeep with their skiing equipment and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a horrible blizzard. Slowly they arrived to a farmhouse and asked the lady of the house if they could spend the night there.

'I am recently widowed and I'm afraid my neigh...

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde wants to go ice fishing....

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Designated

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying hi...

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the ...

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[Long] It's 1916 and the Germans have developed a new cipher that is proving hard to crack...

A rightfully annoyed British high command therefore advertises the job "military radio decrypter" in all the newspapers across the country and sure enough, some people attempt to apply for the job.

Outside the recruitment office there's a long line of men and women eager to help the war effor...

A smoking room in a big tech corporation

A smoking room in a big tech corporation (because the equipment is so fragile and sensitive that smoking is not allowed nearby). A lot of smoke and talk - circuits, chips, boards, punch cards and so on.

Then a young technician suddenly says, "Why we're always talking about tech things only? W...

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota....

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to
read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the
wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
anchors, and ...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

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A new farmer from the city

He's given up on city life and dropped everything and bough 20 acres in the country.

The problem is he doesn't know anything about farming. So he goes to the feed store to ask some friendly farmers for some help in the right direction.

Luckily an old farmer there is happy to see youn...

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish?

They realized a net loss.

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

more zombie jokes

What does a vegan zombie eat?

Graaiinnss

What does a zombie plumber work on?

Draaiinnss

What does a zombie conductor work on?

Traaiinnss

What equipment does a zombie construction worker operate?

Craaanness

What is a zombie poets favorite form?<...

Not too shabby...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

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A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

What happened when the Prague Skydiving club couldn't afford proper equipment?

Their Czechs bounced.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting all of the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man t...

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

First day in the gym

After realising that I've put on a lot of Lockdown weight I decided to try the gym.

They have a lot of equipment and fancy machines, but by far the one I spent the most on was the vending machine!

Never try to impress a women with farming equipment.

It won’t be enough to a tractor attention.

"If you do the right thing you'll get a reward" I say to my friends

I do it since I pulled a baby out of a hot car and I got the neat sound equipment I wanted as a reward.

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

Huge crash on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over

There were cues for miles

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

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A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

I used to sell farming equipment...

Until they outlawed slavery.

What's with Trump and landscape equipment?

First he's raking for California, now he's hoeing for Saudi Arabia.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment

It's called Safe and Sound.

Ladies, if your boyfriend wants matador equipment for Christmas...

That's a big red flag.

The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve decided to sell all of my dogging equipment on eBay.

I’ve not had any bids yet but 6 people are watching.

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

At the Pearly Gates in Heaven

The first applicant of the day at the Pearly Gates explains that his last day was not a good one...
“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she w...

Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

I tried to make a joke about fishing equipment.

But the reel joke was in the comments.

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

My dad Love’s angling his farm equipment

He’s protractor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

Did you hear about the electronic chemistry equipment that was sent to prison?

It was charged with a salt in battery.

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

If gym equipment was invisible...

Gyms would look like silent raves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment.

"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

Dogs can't operate medical equipment...

But cats can.

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman.

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

A small town near Russia and Poland

There was a small town located along the frontier between Russia and Poland; no one was ever quite sure to which it belonged. One day an official treaty was signed and not long after, surveyors arrived to draw a border. Some villagers approached them where they had set up their equipment on a nearby...

What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate?

Discus.

What type of equipment do you operate for abortions?

A baby excavator.

Soviet archaeologists discover an ancient man in the ice in the Ural

In the 70s, a Soviet professor and two of his students are conducting an excavation in the Ural Mountains. They discover a well preserved man in the ice and they dig him up. He is wearing some primitive clothes, a stick and some unknown artefacts and they soon start arguing which age he is from. Wh...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

A farmer ask his neighbor:

A farmer ask his neighbor: Do you have way to identify cows? I have two and i want to know which is which.

The neighbor, thinks:
Umm, you can cut the edge of the ear of only one of them.

The next week,
Farmer: I've tried your idea but the other cow got too close to the sharpe fi...

Praying hands

In Tulsa, OK, on the campus of Oral Roberts University (Oral Roberts was one of those famous money hungry televangelists) there is a giant statue of a set of praying hands. It was discovered one day that they had broken apart and separated. They had construction engineers, all kinds of equipment, ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from the city decides to go hunting

He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...

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