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Equipment Jokes

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

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A man came home to his wife who had the BDSM equipment out [NSFW]

Wife: "Come and play with me"
Man: "Okay..."

He tied her down, and one of the things the woman was into was using objects that aren't meant for sexual use for her pleasure.

So, the man went into the backyard and got a wooden post from the fence.

He walked back in and slid th...

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

My neighbor, who makes tennis equipment, makes me want to move out.

He is ALWAYS making racket.

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

Can I sell kayak equipment if my dog peed on it?

Can I peddle a paddle if it's in a puddle of poodle piddle?

What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

What is the smartest piece of lab equipment?

A graduated cylinder.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

Why did Nintendo start making farm equipment?

Because now they're playing with plowers.

Two brothers live together, and one of them makes tennis equipment for people with gigantism.

Late one night, he is up, hard at work, when his brother knocks on the door. He gets up from his desk, and answers the door.

"What do you want?" he asks.

His brother responds: "Hey, I'm trying to sleep. Can you stop making a huge racket?"

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

How do you deliver gym equipment to Hogwarts?

Through the dumbbell door.

Gordon Freeman recently turned 45 and started buying loads of retro PC gaming equipment.

He was experiencing a Half Life crisis.

A van carrying snooker equipment has crashed in the motorway

Queues on both sides.

I'm going to have a break from stealing snooker equipment....

but 1st I'm just going to take a rest

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

What do you call a piece of old farm equipment that's always criticizing you?

Detractor.

I tried circumcision without the proper equipment.

It was a bit of a stretch, but I managed to pull it off.

If you are a serious tennis player, you should string your own equipment

Anything off the shelf is a racket

How did the Mexican cheese factory report an equipment malfunction?

No whey, Hose A.

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

I like stealing industrial size kitchen equipment.

I'm a big whisk-taker

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

What do you call a place you go to buy evacuation equipment?

A flee market

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

Construction equipment is actually pretty amazing.

They've really got some groundbreaking technology.

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

As well as exercise equipment, Christie Brinkley is now doing advertising for a bicycle parts company.

She's their new spokes model.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

I used to sell farming equipment...

Until they outlawed slavery.

What's with Trump and landscape equipment?

First he's raking for California, now he's hoeing for Saudi Arabia.

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

I hired a musician to look after my fishing equipment during my flight.

Rod Steward.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I think my ham radio equipment may have fallen in love with me.

It hasn't said anything but I've been picking up a lot of signals.

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

TWO men go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment.

The reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. The first day that they go fishing, they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their holiday, one of the ...

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

If gym equipment was invisible...

Gyms would look like silent raves

Dogs can't operate medical equipment...

But cats can.

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...

Ladies, if your boyfriend wants matador equipment for Christmas...

That's a big red flag.

My tennis coach got really upset at me for how I was re-stringing the equipment. He said...

"STOP MAKING SUCH A RACKET!!"

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

I tried to make a joke about fishing equipment.

But the reel joke was in the comments.

My friend has recently started collecting acting equipment.

Props to him.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

When will the hospital equipment arrive?

defibrillater

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

The police receive a noise complaint from a nearby tennis equipment factory

They were making a racket.

Huge crash on the high way, a lorry full on snooker equipment toppled over

There were cues for miles

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

What type of equipment do you operate for abortions?

A baby excavator.

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals.

Edit: Tanks for the gold!

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I’ve decided to sell all of my dogging equipment on eBay.

I’ve not had any bids yet but 6 people are watching.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

I used to buy second hand ballet equipment from ebay

I still do but I used tutu.

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A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

I saw some exercise equipment by the side of the freeway the other day...

Someone had been trying to take it home but it didn’t work out.

Did you hear about the electronic chemistry equipment that was sent to prison?

It was charged with a salt in battery.

What do you call funny laboratory equipment?

A comical flask.

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

What happened when a fisherman saw that they spent more on missing fishing equipment than they made selling fish?

They realized a net loss.

What piece of sporting equipment is best for provoking a debate?

Discus.

I hinted to my friend that if he wanted to improve his billiards game, he should get better equipment...

...sadly, he took my cue.

Scientists need to stop surveying the deepest parts of the ocean with their high-tech equipment

They should send Neymar Jr. instead because he is the greatest diver in the world.

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman.

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment

It's called Safe and Sound.

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So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

The Physics department in a university submits a request for an expensive piece of equipment

The university president is not pleased. "You people in the Physics Department always ask for money. You always need costly technologies. Why can't you be more like the Mathematics department? All they need is paper, pens, and trash cans. Or even better, like the Philosophy department, they need onl...

My neighbor asked if I could pitch in money to help him buy the world's largest piece of sports equipment, and then get 5 friends to also.

I refused. I know it's just a big racket.

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I asked a guy at the gym how to use a piece of equipment.

"Just push the button," he replied, "Like you would with any other hand dryer."

I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.

I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

I got in trouble in gym class, so the coach made me sit in the back, in near all the equipment.

There's nothing I can do. He's really got me by the balls.

Scientists are such a pain, they need so much expensive equipment. Mathemeticians on the other hand ...

They just need a pencil, a paper and a waste paper basket. Philosophers are even easier, they don't even need the waste paper basket.

Wonder Woman has a lot of equipment. A lasso, bracelets, tiara, sword, shield... I used to wonder where she gets it all, but then I remembered...

Amazon...

Radio Yerevan was asked about today's parade.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Given how difficult it must have been to procure equipment for this year's Red Square Victory Day Parade, did the organizer receive any sort of special commendation?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "No, it was a tankless job."

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin.

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him thr...

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

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