What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

Why was the painting arrested?

Because it was framed.

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.

As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.

His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said. ...

The church needs painting

So the Preacher hires a painter to do the work. After completion everything looks great until the first rain storm and then the paint starts streaking down the walls. The Preacher calls back the painter and ask’s what went wrong. The painter admits he watered down the paint to save costs. The Preac...

What do you call a painting of a heat insulating container on a dudes arm?

A Thermostat

People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

'I love your paintings'

Someone in an art gallery

or

a Jamaican in a bondage shop.

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers

He's a mixed Marshall artist.

A man gets a job painting lines on the road

One the first day the boss tells him to go as far as he can. So he paints for two miles.

The boss is pleased and tells him to come back tomorrow.

The next day he paints 1 .5 miles.
The boss understands that he is new, so he tells him to come again tomorrow.

He then paints 1/...

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

What movie is this joke from? Painting the porch

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the ...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad stroke to kill them.

The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

A business man went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. 

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. 

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on tw...

A guy tries to sell his first painting ever...

So he goes to an art dealer to show it to him.

"What is it titled?" - the dealer asks.

"Me at the bar, drinking."

"But all I see is two nude bodies. Who are they?"

"My neighbor and my wife, f\*cking"

"And where are you?"

"At the bar, drinking."

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

What country is known for cave paintings?

Denmark

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.

When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

Did you know I store paintings under the hood?

It makes my Van Gogh

Eye doctor...

A world famous painter is diagnosed with a serious eye disease and is sure to lose his sight. He goes to a local eye doctor in desperation and after giving it some thought, he is able to reverse the disease and cure the man.

In gratitude, the painter goes to work painting a large rendition o...

Why are anti-vaxxers so terrible at painting and sculpture?

Because vaccines can cause you to be artistic.

We're repainting, and today I'm painting the wall green...

Tomorrow I'll paint the CVS.

I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas.

It was an artychoke.

A thief tried to steal paintings from the Louvre...

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

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Two nuns are painting in a convent, and decide to paint completely nude so they do not ruin their new robes. While they are painting, there is a knock at the door. One of the nuns asks, "Who is it?" A voice responds, "Blind man." The nuns look at each other, shrugging as they call him in.

"Nice tits, sister," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the...

Blonde painting a living room

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde...

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

Always keep your cool when painting the house.

No need to get emulsional.

What did the sketch say to the painting?

"I don't talk to colored people."

Artist: "I always show my paintings to large rocks because I need their opinion."

Everyone knows that "Beauty is in the eye of the boulder."

A matador made a still life painting

It was a gourd by a bowl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power ...

In an elementary school English class, kids are learning the word “contagious”. Teacher calls on students, asking them to use it in a sentence.

- “Susan?”

- “I had a flu and mommy made me stay home for 3 days because I was contagious!”

- “Very good. What about you, Johnny?”

- “Our neighbor Mrs. Henderson has started painting her fence last night, daddy says it’s gonna take the contagious!”

How did Jesus get in such good shape to always have a six-pack in his paintings?

Cross-fit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns painting a room...

Two nuns are painting a room, they realize that they could accidentally get paint on their habits so they decide to take a preventative measure. They decide to take off their clothes and paint in the nude. Before they do so they lock the door.

A few hours later there is a knock at the door, "...

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

Do you know why Van Gogh got into painting

Be cause he didn't have an ear for music.

A Newfoundlander is painting the dividing line on a road

The first day, he paints 7km of lines along the road

The second day he paints 4km of lines along the road

And the third day he paints only 1km of lines along the road

So the manager of the site calls the Newfoundlander into his office and sites him down.

"What's going o...

For our art homework we had to do a painting and my teacher asked me where mine was.

I said, "My dog ate it."

"But you don't have a dog..." said the girl next to me.

"You're right," I replied, "not any more."

Blonde painting a house

Did you hear about the blonde who wore two jackets when she painted the house?

The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

One Reason To Buy A Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so...

I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart

They probably have never seen any of his paintings.

A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...

The girl says,"I'm painting a picture of God."
The mom says,"Nobody knows what God looks like."
The girl says,"Well, if you'll let me finish..."

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

A painter unveils his five new paintings in a gallery...

A painter unveils his four new paintings in a gallery. The first is a cubism painting of x^3. The second is an abstract painting depicting 3x^2. The third is a realism painting depicting 6x. The next is a landscape painting of the number 6. The last is a simplistic painting of the number 0.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Group of middle school students visit the Vatican

The teacher guides them through the hallways and tells them about the paintings.

Teacher: "This famous painting made Michelangelo represents the God creating Adam. Can someone tell us what they see here?"

Susan decides to speak:

"Nice muscles", she says

Teacher is furiou...

I'm opening the first place you can create a painting and brew your own beer

It's called "Arts & Crafts"

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

What kind of painting can put you to sleep?

An aesthetic.

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.”

The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can giv...

Painting the church.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church.
He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint...

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

Why are there no hand paintings from the old west?

Because they could only draw guns.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns are painting a room...

Two nuns were assigned to a job of painting a room in the church. The head nun told them, "Don't get ANY paint on your clothes!" Naturally, the two nuns were puzzled as to how they would do this. Then, they figured they could just get naked. So they got naked and began to paint, after a while they h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently a dick in a renaissance painting is "Art"

but when I show mine off at the bus stop its "illegal"

How does someone pay for a painting?

With Monet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Nuns Painting

One day at a convent two nuns are instructed by Mother Superior to paint their room. The sisters prepare to paint, and realize they are going to get paint on the habits. They eventually decide that since the windows in the room are fairly high up and no one is likely to see in, they can just keep th...

A museum curator obtains a valuable painting called "The Joke"

The painting is put on exhibit, and to celebrate its arrival the museum throws a large party. Everyone there has an amazing time, and leaves very happy. The curator in all his excitement forgets to lock the museum. When he arrives at work the next day, he finds a terrifying sight. The painting is go...

I wanted a painting that wouldn't get boring

so I painted a mirror.

The Blonde who is sick and tired of blonde jokes!

A blonde woman decides that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business owner is looking to have a painting commissioned...

He has this decently sized white wall in his office, and asks a local artist to paint a mural on it.

The artist asks, "Well, what kind of mural were you thinking?"

The owner is a huge American History buff. He thinks for a bit, about the revolutionary war, the civil war... he decides ...

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Rorschach has some nice paintings

I'm just confused why they are all pictures of my penis

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The strange painting

John and Michelle are out on a date at an art gallery. They're walking around, looking at art, discussing the paintings, and generally having a good time. Eventually they come across a very strange painting that they can't seem to make heads or tails of. It's a large canvas called "Home for Lunch," ...

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Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.

"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious". Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
...

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Little Johnny uses the word Contagious in a sentence.

A teacher gives her kids an assignment. Use the word contagious in your everyday life and report back to me tomorrow.
The next day all the kids are raising their hand.
The teacher calls on little Susie.
Little Susie, my little brother has the flue and if he sneezes on me I wi...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

An artist is commissioned to create a painting to celebrate Soviet-Polish relations...

to be entitled 'Lenin in Poland'.
Around a month later the artist unveils his painting to a crowd of Soviet dignitaries, and it is greeted by gasps of disgust
The painting depicts Lenin's wife in bed with Leonid Trotsky
One of the assembled guests asks 'But where is Lenin?'
To which the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today.

I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.

A priest is painting the outside of his church...

He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:

"Repaint, and thin no more."