An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

Why do churches have so many statues and paintings featuring naked boys?

Early form of motivational art - to keep employee morale up and remind them what they're working for.

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

What did the painting say in its defense?

I've been framed!

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

What is the difference between a painting of jesus and jesus

It only takes one nail to hang a painting

OR

Jesus Was only hung once

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

Painting a fence

My mom: why’d you paint the fence white

Me: because the paint was free

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, a...

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

Did you know there used to be a van in the painting “Starry Night”?

Where did the Van Gogh?

What is the best part of painting?

Cleaning the brush. You just beat the devil of of it.

A Story behind Cave painting

Cave man[gesturing]: you wanna see some comics I made about elephants, it's quiet funny.

Cave woman [gesturing]: sure.

*Present day*

Archeologist: this wall painting is an beautiful form of art by prehistoric man maybe it's about religion and stuff.

What do you call a painting of the Dalai Lama?

Master Peace.

What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”

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Painting Nuns

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the m...

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

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Sometimes Jackson Pollock would make paintings by ejaculating all over the canvas.

Whaddaya know, the cock could doodle too.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and wall painting?

Plastered.

Why were there so many paintings of knights fighting snails in the Middle Ages???

Because centipedes would be too fast to fight.

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

Why did the innocent painting go to prison?

Because it was framed.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

The Swedish Navy started painting barcodes in the side of their ships.

That way when they get back to port they can Scandinavian.

Parliament vote on Picasso painting:

Eyes to the left: 2
Nose to the right: 1

Art thieves pillaged a museum of European 17th and 18th century artwork. They smashed windows, stole paintings, destroyed exhibits, and even did a number on the light fixtures. Everything about the place is a mere ruin of what it was yesterday.

It's all baroque now.

Van Gogh started painting at 27, but had to give it up 10 years later...

...apparently his glasses kept falling off.


(OC: Jimmy Carr)

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

I´ve just done a quote for painting Dr Who´s TARDIS.

$50 for the outside, $400 for the inside.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

If an artist creates a painting while she is menstruating...

is it called a period piece?

A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a Soviet Russian are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, “They must be French, they’re naked and they’re eating fruit.”

The Englishman says, “Clearly, they’re English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.”

The Russian replies, “No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothi...

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A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

My father loved the photos and paintings of John Audubon

He collected as many photos and paintings of all the different birds around the world.

As he lay on his deathbed facing the "wall of wading birds" I asked him if he would have done anything different.

His eyes panned across the wall and he frowned. With his last words he said. ...

People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

The church needs painting

So the Preacher hires a painter to do the work. After completion everything looks great until the first rain storm and then the paint starts streaking down the walls. The Preacher calls back the painter and ask’s what went wrong. The painter admits he watered down the paint to save costs. The Preac...

'I love your paintings'

Someone in an art gallery

or

a Jamaican in a bondage shop.

I was in an art gallery one time and I went up to this lady staring at a painting.

I told her: "This painting reminds me of my grandfather; he always had wonderful strokes."


She replied "Oh that's lovely; where is he now?"


"Well the last one finally killed him."

Painting the porch

A blonde wanted to earn some money and decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”...

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers

He's a mixed Marshall artist.

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

An Australian Man is Painting his House Blue...

As he works, his wife brings his newborn child outside and asks if he would like to hold the baby.

"Of course!" he says, as he takes his gloves off. He reaches out and takes the child.

After playing with the baby for a minute, he begins to hand the kid back to his wife but trips on his...

A man gets a job painting lines on the road

One the first day the boss tells him to go as far as he can. So he paints for two miles.

The boss is pleased and tells him to come back tomorrow.

The next day he paints 1 .5 miles.
The boss understands that he is new, so he tells him to come again tomorrow.

He then paints 1/...

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It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

What's Michael Jackson's favorite painting?

The Sha-Mona Lisa.

What country is known for cave paintings?

Denmark

The lawyer is painting his house, and a hobo comes around and asked if he could do something or in a few dollars.

The lawyer says, "sure, take a can of paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch."
The hobo does this and 15 minutes later comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "already?" And the hobo says," yeah, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"

I hate only two things, sandwich condiments and french paintings that are completely random.

ESPECIALLY MANETS

What's common between an old guy and a painting?

It only takes one bad stroke to kill them.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

I finally realized why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal

It depicts the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.

A guy tries to sell his first painting ever...

So he goes to an art dealer to show it to him.

"What is it titled?" - the dealer asks.

"Me at the bar, drinking."

"But all I see is two nude bodies. Who are they?"

"My neighbor and my wife, f\*cking"

"And where are you?"

"At the bar, drinking."

A business man went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. 

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. 

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on tw...

Eye doctor...

A world famous painter is diagnosed with a serious eye disease and is sure to lose his sight. He goes to a local eye doctor in desperation and after giving it some thought, he is able to reverse the disease and cure the man.

In gratitude, the painter goes to work painting a large rendition o...

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

Watson found Holmes busily painting the front door bright yellow.

"What on earth is that, Holmes?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power ...

Did you know I store paintings under the hood?

It makes my Van Gogh

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius

Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

Why are anti-vaxxers so terrible at painting and sculpture?

Because vaccines can cause you to be artistic.

We're repainting, and today I'm painting the wall green...

Tomorrow I'll paint the CVS.

What does Bob Ross's paintings and an orphanage have in common?

They're both full of happy little accidents

I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart

They probably have never seen any of his paintings.

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Two nuns painting a room...

Two nuns are painting a room, they realize that they could accidentally get paint on their habits so they decide to take a preventative measure. They decide to take off their clothes and paint in the nude. Before they do so they lock the door.

A few hours later there is a knock at the door, "...

I saw a thistle painting onto a canvas.

It was an artychoke.

Blonde painting a living room

While her husband was at work, a blonde decided to paint their living room.

After her husband arrives home, he finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat while wearing a parka and a mink. He asked her what she was doing.

She said, "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde...

Always keep your cool when painting the house.

No need to get emulsional.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the...

A matador made a still life painting

It was a gourd by a bowl.

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

How did Jesus get in such good shape to always have a six-pack in his paintings?

Cross-fit

A Newfoundlander is painting the dividing line on a road

The first day, he paints 7km of lines along the road

The second day he paints 4km of lines along the road

And the third day he paints only 1km of lines along the road

So the manager of the site calls the Newfoundlander into his office and sites him down.

"What's going o...

So the painters finish painting my home...

and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."

I'm painting a still life version of The Last Supper with all the apostles as vegetables

Judas is carrot.

What did the sketch say to the painting?

"I don't talk to colored people."

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

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A blonde was at home getting dinner ready...

Her husband walks in and says,"Hi honey I'm home.By the way,there were these three blondes,right?And they were walking down the...

"Wait a minute,stop right there."she interrupts."This isn't another dumb blonde joke is it?"

He replies,"Well,yes it is.Anyhow,they were...

She aga...

A little girl is painting a picture and her mom asks what she's painting...

The girl says,"I'm painting a picture of God."
The mom says,"Nobody knows what God looks like."
The girl says,"Well, if you'll let me finish..."

Painting the church.

Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Paster Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Bill went out, bought some paint and started painting the church.
He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected, so he added some thinner to the paint. The paint...

For our art homework we had to do a painting and my teacher asked me where mine was.

I said, "My dog ate it."

"But you don't have a dog..." said the girl next to me.

"You're right," I replied, "not any more."

Blonde painting a house

Did you hear about the blonde who wore two jackets when she painted the house?

The instructions on the can said: "Put on two coats."

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

A painter unveils his five new paintings in a gallery...

A painter unveils his four new paintings in a gallery. The first is a cubism painting of x^3. The second is an abstract painting depicting 3x^2. The third is a realism painting depicting 6x. The next is a landscape painting of the number 6. The last is a simplistic painting of the number 0.
...

I can use some help with some painting . . .

A man looking for food and shelter comes upon a cozy house on a nice, small farm.

When the farmer answers the door, the man asks him, “Can you spare me something to eat? I haven’t eaten in several days and I'm not picky.”

The farmer says, “I never give anything away for free. I can giv...

A guy walks in to the Sheriffs office...

Guy: Hello sir, might I make an inquiry?

Sheriff: Certainly, citizen. What ailes you?

Guy: Would you be so kind as to let me paint you?

The guy points to a chair. The Sheriff looks puzzled as to this weird inquiry, but agrees and take a seat on the chair. The guy starts painting...

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Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

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Two Nuns Painting

One day at a convent two nuns are instructed by Mother Superior to paint their room. The sisters prepare to paint, and realize they are going to get paint on the habits. They eventually decide that since the windows in the room are fairly high up and no one is likely to see in, they can just keep th...

Why are there no hand paintings from the old west?

Because they could only draw guns.

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Two nuns are painting a room...

Two nuns were assigned to a job of painting a room in the church. The head nun told them, "Don't get ANY paint on your clothes!" Naturally, the two nuns were puzzled as to how they would do this. Then, they figured they could just get naked. So they got naked and began to paint, after a while they h...

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

How does someone pay for a painting?

With Monet

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