The 47+ Best Painting Jokes

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

What do you call a ghost in a painting?

A portrait-geist.

what do you call a printer that takes up painting?

The Artist, formally known as Prints.

What is the difference between Jesus and Jesus’s painting?

It took only one nail to hang his painting

Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting

No-one noticed.

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

All the jokes that I post on this thread are like painting the Mona Lisa.

In that they're plagiarized.

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Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

I told Dorian Gray that I’d fixed his painting while he was out…

The look on his face....

Cohn ist painting the fence of his garden on Shabbat...

Along comes Goldstein.

"But... Cohn.... Painting your fence on Shabbat? "

"Oh, I asked the rabbi".

"Okay.. then... Shabbat Shalom."

Along comes Greenbaum

"No... Cohn.... You really can't paint your fence on Shabbat."

"Oh, I asked the rabbi".

"Okay.. t...

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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny puts her hand up and says "My mum says we should stay home when we're sick incase we're contagious."

"That's right" the teacher says, "Anyone else?"

Susie says "My grandma says a smile can be contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny pu...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian view a painting.

Just noticed it was my cakeday from a previous post. Decided to come here and share my father's favorite joke.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must...

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

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Naked Black Men

There was a painting on the gallery wall depicting three naked black men on a bench, and the one in the middle had a white penis. A visitor was explaining to anyone that would listen about how the picture was showing something deep and meaningful about race and cultural divides.

A voice at th...

I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ...

a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

I hate it when people act all intellectual…

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart

… when they probably haven’t even seen one of his paintings

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

I enjoy painting wildlife.

But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

I hate how my friend is always painting pictures of themselves...

It’s a poor trait

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I found an old violin and a painting in the attic.

The antique dealer said, "The good news is you've got a Stradivarius and a Picasso. The bad news is Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Picasso made crap violins."

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

An owner of a painting company needs to hire a painter for a job he is doing

So he goes down to unemployment to hire a painter. They tell him they don't have any - the only person they have at the moment is a gynecologist. He says that won't do, he needs a painter. They tell him they are sorry. He really needs an extra set of hands so he decides to take the gynecologist.
...

why do people call it painting

when it is already painted?

I told my wife she's been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She looked surprised.

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

A family of animal lovers goes out of town for a week and their beloved pets decide to give them a complete home makeover:

The birds: “we’ll do the painting and make the walls the colors of our beautiful feathers!”
The cats: “we’ll do the flooring and make sure every corner is perfect!”
The hamsters: “we’re so tiny, we can get into the wiring and make sure everything is up to date and safe!”
What did the d...

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

DIY help needed

I’m trying to glue a velvet Elvis painting onto a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament using contact cement. The instructions on the can say to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky. It’s been 3 months. What am I doing wrong?

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house

Turns out he's pretty good at it! He did a great job of the the landing.

Mid age humor..

The guest of a famous painter, who was also known for having ugly children, remarked, "The people in your paintings are much more beautiful than your children". To which the painter replied: “I make the pictures in the light, the children in the dark.

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

its an old one but I think its funny.

So, in the summer, I go do some work. I was looking for a job, and found house painting.

A couple of days after my first day, we where going to paint a fairly big house. We did it with the 3 of us, because then the job will be done quicker.

One day, one of us fell down the lader, 3 f...

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