I have 1,800 nuclear missiles, 283 battle ships, 9,400 planes.. I spend more on my military than the next 12 nations combined and despite spending more every year I still feel insecure...

I have a military-industrial complex.

Did you know Navy ships run on commercial batteries?

They run on 7 C's

Why does the Swedish Navy put barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian

Whats a ships favorite drink?

Anything, as long as its not on the rocks!

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

Norwegian naval ships all have large bar codes painted on their hulls...

So when they return to port a sailor can scan da navy in.

Why are ships referred to as "she"?

Because they're always wet below.

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.

All the passengers were marooned.

How do ships flirt online?

They send deck pics.

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

Why do Danish ships have bar codes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

Why is it religious ships never make it far from port?

Because they are holy

What do you call a bakery critic that robs merchant ships?

A PIE-RATE!

Why are fire trucks red?

Because they have eight wheels and four people, and eight plus four is twelve. Twelve inches is a foot, and a foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is also a ruler, but queen Elizabeth is also a ship, and ships sail the seas, and seas have fish, and fish have fins, and the Fins fought the Russians, Russi...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

I just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together

It was riveting

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and Ships

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

A Kamikaze pilot spoke with his instructor...

"I keep missing the ships, I need some help!"

And the instructor said, "OK fine, I'll show you how, but I'm only going to do this once..."

Why did the Norwegians put bar codes on the sides of all their ships?

So when the come into port they can Scandinavian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why won't black people board cruise ships?

We're not falling for that bullshit again.

Why do ships and aircraft have circular windows instead of square ones?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

Over 100 Coronavirus cases have been reported on the British Navy's flagship HMS Queen Elizabeth.

Other ships in the fleet have been told to keep their distance as it's a carrier.

All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.

When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

A soldier rushes to his captain and says: "one enemy ship is approaching us"

Captain Replies “David, Go Bring My Red Shirt”

Soldier Gets Shirt For His Captain.

Enemy Ship Comes In, Heavy Rounds Of Fire Are Exchanged.

Finally The Captain Wins.

Soldier Asks: “Congrats Sir, But Why The Red Shirt?”

Captain Replies: “If I Got Injured Then My Blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Russian and a Finn drink in a bar.

The American says:

\- Well... American Air Forces are so huge that we can cover all the sky over Finland by our planes. And there will no sunlight, only shade.

They drink. The Russian says:

\- Well, Russian Navy is so huge that we can cover entire the Gulf of Finland by ships...

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