I just drove an expensive car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

How many gears does a french tank have?

6 reverse and 1 for parades

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

The French recently invented a tank with 13 separate gears, but only 1 of which drives the tank forward.

Just in case the enemy attacks from behind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife is tidying her teenage son's bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags.

She asks her husband, "what should I do?"

The husband replies " I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him"

Did you know French tanks have 7 gears?

One forward and 6 reverse!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

My wife! This is her first time driving a manual.

If the son of God drove, how would he shift gears?

Jesus Christ, Immanuel!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.

I feel uncomfortable watching a band pack up their gear after a show.

It's disconcerting.

Did you hear about the wooden car with wooden tyres, wooden gears and a wooden steering wheel?

It wooden go!

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

When my maintenance guys fail to inspect them for the proper mesh and clearance.

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat minor.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a beehive?

B flat.

What do you get if you drop a piano on a Morris Marina?

An episode of Top Gear.

Why does the motorcycle get sad when shifting gears?

Because the clutch is depressed

BMW and Mercedes used to make scuba gear...

...but eventually BMW was forced to shut down. People kept getting the Benz.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

The new french tank has 14 gears

Thirteen go backwards, one goes forwards in case the enemy attacks from behind

When I bought a fixed gear bike last summer, people called me a hipster.

Commuting to work today in the snow, I finally understood why. I only liked riding my bike before it was cool.

You know what really grinds my gears?

That pervert who sneaks in my gear shop at night

Do you know what grinds my gears?

Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.

I just tried out the Samsung Gear-VR with my Note 7.

It was mind-blowing.

You know, camping gear for sea mammals is really versatile.

It works for all in tents and porpoises.

You know what grinds a Germans gear?

Nothing, they are too well engineered.

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

"Having my owner carjacked was bad enough." said one car to the other. "But you know what really grinds my gears?"

The idiot didn't know how to drive a manual transmission!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

Let me know what you think of my 2nd attempt!

A young boy decided that he wanted to become a beekeeper when he grew up. When he told his parents this they decided it would be a great chance to teach him responsibility and give him a chance to earn his own spending money. So they bought him a small colony of bees and the tools he would need to t...

Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

Where do emos get their gaming gear?

Razer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Top Gear was twelve years old...

That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.

A group of adventurers embarks on a quest

"DragonFlameKing", who is the highest level in the party, gathers the others before they begin the quest to discuss strategies and check their supplies.

-Alright, gear and equipments look fine so hear me out for a little bit. This quest is not too demanding but it's still hard. I am a Juggern...

The reverse gear on our car stopped working, so my wife and I took it to a garage.

Moving forward we should be fine.

Guy hears his grand kids are coming for the first time. He gets all the parts and gear, spent six hours child-proofing his home.

They still got in.

My friends found a cool racing game.

Recently my friends and I found an interesting new game, it’s sort of like a mix of an MMORPG and a racing game. You play as a car and you level up and get cool new gear and it makes you better and also looks cooler.

Anyway, we played this game for quite a while, slowly improving and getting ...

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

A man has been stuck on a desert island for 10 years

when he notices an unusual speck in the distance.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer the man starts to rule out the possibility that it’s a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, is a beautiful blonde woma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

What was Jeremy Clarkson on during Top Gear?

SPEEEED!

A guy sits down on a bench next to a Thai kid wearing soccer cleats.

"So, who are you rooting for in the World Cup Final?" the man asks, noticing the soccer gear.

"I don't know, who's playing?" the boy answers.

"Jesus Christ, have you been under a rock or something?"

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

Psalm 129

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The thr...

Some American pilots challenged their Russian counterparts to find out whose planes are faster.

The Americans took the latest supersonic aircraft, but the Russians managed to get only an old, decommissioned Kukuruznik and tied it to the American plane with rope.

After takeoff, an American crewmember said to his commander:

"Sir, the Russians are right behind us!"

"What is...

A diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level when he noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep with...

Bush hunters

Two Newfoundland hunters, Otis and Elmer, got a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one moose.

The hunters objec...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.

Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

An Australian sergeant seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

An Australian sergeant got seconded to a US army base, for cultural integration.

When he arrived, most of the men were away sweeping a neighbouring region.

But a Security Patrol still guarding the base was out close by when it came under unexpected and intense attack.

All rem...

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

Wife is missing

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was flying to Finland for a vacation.

He packed his bag and went to the airport; as he was going through security, he was asked what he had in his bag.

"Just some clothing, a camera, some hiking gear, and a camp knife."

"Sir," replied the TSA agent, "I need you to step to the back of the line."

The man was going to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was walking in a park when a young lady approached him.

She exclaimed, "I know you — you're the father of one of my kids!" The gears started turning as the man tried to recollect where he met her, "Oh are you that chick I fucked in Atlanta City in that orgy in that seedy hotel while I was on a business trip? I think you were the one that kept asking to b...

A new salesman

There was a big town, with a big grocery store that anything could be bought from. Literally anything.

The manager of the storehouse put a "help wanted" flyer up, and a shy boy from the countryside applied for the job.

The manager was interviewing the boy, and asked:


"So, yo...

A Keen Indian Immigrant Applied for a Salesman's Job

A keen Indian immigrant applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

​

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

​

"Yes si...