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Couldn Jokes

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

Last month a girl broke up with me because I couldn’t get erect.

She recently sent me a message to apologise for the way she went about it. I said ‘It’s all good, no hard feelings.’

I couldn’t get a refund for my BDSM convention ticket

They said their hands were tied.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

The doctor replied “Don’t worry, Those are just contractions.”

My atheist friend failed algebra class because he couldn’t calculate exponents

He doesn’t believe in a higher power.

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

Why couldn’t Stevie Wonder see his friends?

He was married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn’t the lemon and lime have sex?

Because they were cousins and that would be inzest.

Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.

In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals

IM LIVID

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

You couldn’t make a show like Mr Ed anymore…

There are no more talking horses

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.

Why couldn’t the beekeeper afford a GPS device?

Because honey can’t buy mappiness.

Why couldn’t the skeleton be an undercover cop?

Because he is a dead giveaway

My friend said that he couldn’t afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a get well soon card.

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

I was disappointed in high school when I couldn’t even jump one hurdle.

But I got over it.

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.

Why couldn’t the snake procreate?

He had ereptile dysfunction!

I couldn’t go to the library today

i was totally booked……

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with severe headache couldn’t take it anymore..

He went to the doctor and after examining him, the doctor said that your balls are too big for your size and take extra oxygen. The only solution is to cut them.

The man hesitated but agreed at the end. After waking up from the surgery and feeling good for the first time, he decided he will...

Why couldn’t the kid get home on his bike?

Because he lost his bearings

My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..

But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.

Why couldn’t the thief understand sarcasm?

>!He took things literally!<

Why couldn’t Lorena Bobbitt be a successful film director?

Every time she yelled “CUT”, the male actors fled the set.

I used to have a pet cigarette because I couldn’t afford a dog

Every night I would take her out for a drag.

Why couldn’t the woman find her Christmas cake?

It was stollen.

Happy cake day to meeeee …

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack

Why couldn’t the baker come in to work?

He just wasn’t in the right bread-space.

When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.

Why couldn’t Yoda work out that |7| = 7?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Why couldn’t the police catch Jack the Ripper?

Because they were a rock band and not detectives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I applied to manage the US Naval sperm bank in Bangkok. The interviewer said they couldn’t hire me, because I was a domestic civilian.

He said only an overseas seaman oversees overseas seamen semen overseas.

Why couldn’t Anakin Skywalker be promoted to a high Jedi rank?

He would have been a Master Vader.

I tried to come up with a good joke about vampires but couldn’t.

They all suck.

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

He was already stuffed.

Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?

Because she was a private tutor

My sister bet me $100 I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta

Why couldn’t the cow start a church?

He wasn’t pastorized

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

Why couldn’t the green pepper practice archery?

Because it didn’t habanero!

During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.

The \*For Biden\* files.

I couldn’t get $GME, so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.

I hope to become a bouillionaire!

Why couldn’t Jesus get into medical school?

He kept getting hung up on the boards

I thought life couldn’t get any worse after I hit rock bottom

Until rock bottom’s dad turned up and started hitting me back…

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew someone who was so broke, he couldn’t even afford to drink water.

He was piss-poor

Me and my gamer girlfriend were in love but we couldn’t be together.

We weren’t on the same level.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

I had to start hiding cereal in my clothes so that my siblings couldn’t eat all of it.

I have Trix up my sleeve.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?

She couldn’t find the eleven.

Why couldn’t trump hang himself?

Fake noose.

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

I asked 10 people what LGBQT stood for?

I couldn’t get a straight answer

Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the downing hippie?

He was too far out, man.

Why couldn’t Prince Andrew be a cherry farmer?

He kept picking them before they were ripe.

Why couldn’t the pirate watch a movie without a parent?

It was rated Arrr

Why couldn’t the null morpheme call its mother?

Because it didn’t have a phone!

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste?

It made no sense.

They told Beethoven he couldn’t make music because he was deaf

but he didn’t listen

It’s hardly surprising that 48 ‘no’s couldn’t stop Kavanaugh yesterday.

They didn’t stop him in 1982 either.

Why couldn’t 4 get into the night club?

*Because 4 was 2***²**

My physician told me I almost couldn’t hear anything

I had a near-deaf experience

Did you hear about the dinosaur who couldn’t please his wife?

He suffered from a reptile disfunction.

I couldn’t raise my grades

So I put them up for adoption

-Sun Tzu

I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend said that she has an abduction fetish.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

After I went bald, I couldn’t throw my comb away.

I just couldn’t part with it.

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man found a woman tied to the rail tracks and untied her.

Then they had a lot of sex and he was on his way to the bar.
He started boasting about all the different positions they had sex in.

The bartender asks did you get any head.

To which the man replies
“I couldn’t find the head.”

Why couldn’t Henry VIII breath?

He had no heir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I bet a prostitute she couldn’t make me orgasm,

is that gambling or prostitution?

What do you call a horticulturist who started running and couldn’t stop?

Florist Gump

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why couldn’t the math student cross the road?

Because the fucker didn’t understand convergence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph get a room at the inn?

Well it was Christmas....they should have booked ahead

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

As a family we couldn’t decide to have nana cremated or buried

So in the end we just let her live

Did you see the movie about the dinosaurs that couldn’t find the herbs?

It was the land before thyme.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I couldn’t understand why my dog insisted on licking its ass in bed

Then I tried it. I get it now.

Man, his ass tastes *good*!

Why couldn’t the bigot with no feet drink milk?

Because they lack toes n tolerance

They told me I couldn’t sew

... that was before I put my foot down!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a church

and goes in the confessional. The priest follows him.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery.” he says.

“Dear heavens my child. I must ask, what happened? ” the priest answers.

“You see father, last week my wife and I went to my sister-in-law’s house fo...

Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure?

Because he lactose

Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.

So instead, a sub Reddit.

I bet my doctor he couldn’t help me fix my posture problems…

I stand corrected

A ventriloquist couldn’t get his puppet to talk all day.

The ventriloquist was at his wits end. They had a show that night! Finally he asked his puppet, “What’s gotten into you?!”

The puppet looked at him and finally said, “Your hand!”

Why couldn’t they circumcise Trump?

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‘Cause there’s no end to that prick

I woke up this morning and couldn’t move my head.

I called the doctor, explaining what was going on and asked for an appointment.

After a few moments the doctor responded: “I can see ya neck’s weak...”


“Haven’t you got anything sooner?!”

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?

It was two tired...

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Why couldn’t the Chinese kids play baseball?

Because they ate their bats.

I went to the guy who wrote the hokey pokeys funeral the other day. It became even more sad when they couldn’t get him in his casket.

They put his left foot in…

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

I tried growing a beard over lockdown but couldn’t pull it off.

Then I tried using a razor instead and that was much more effective.

Why couldn’t Trump get into the Oval Office?

It was for Biden.

Why couldn’t the strawberry shoot it’s gun?

Because it was jammed

I couldn’t come up with names so...

Person 1: Did you know that there’s a secret menu at that burger place?

Person 2: No, tell me about it.

Person 1: The most secret is a burger. This burger is so hardcore that it qualifies as breakfast, lunch and dinner for 7 people, for 7 years. And if you finish it in under an hour, t...

Did you hear about the train that couldn’t perform?

It was a huge case of stage freight.

Why couldn’t Hellen Keller see Pirates of the Caribbean in theatres?

Because she’s dead

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