UPJOKE
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

When I was in college, my girlfriend and I tried a long distance relationship...

I had to stay 300 feet away from her at all times.

Also, the judge said i had to stop calling her "my girlfriend"

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

"Farther" is physical distance, while "further" is metaphorical distance. And...

"Father" is emotional distance.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

"Doctor, I can't see at far distance!"

"Can you see the sun?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, how the hell far do you want to see?!"

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

How did Vikings communicate over long distances?

Norse code.

Sorry everyone!

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?

Marathongs.

A timid little man was terrified of flying, and was on a long distance trip.

He was on his first ever flight, and he had the window seat. Besides him sat a giant man, heavily tattooed, and not smelling the cleanest.

After the plane took off, the timid little fellow soon found himself feeling sick. But he didn't know how to get past the large fellow that sat between ...

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I can’t believe I have finally made it to the ejaculation distance championships

I have come a long way to make it here.

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Long distance relationships are hard...

I haven’t seen my girl for a month and worst I haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks...









—Jose Cervantes

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...

I'm moving the fridge to my room.

Distance matters

Six feet apart or six feet under....

Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

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A Geordie private in the Napoleonic Wars was walking alongside his General when he heard a rythmic rumble in the distance.

"Whats that noise, General?" the Private asked.

"Those are war drums, lad"

"Thieving bastards!"

---

Hope you all enjoy this niche bit of Northern English humour!

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. “Hey! Who are you?”, he yelled.

“Well, I’m the foe.”

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.

Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"

A weem away
A weem away

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Fat people in long distance relationships.

They don't work out.

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I use my dick as a measuring device to distance myself 6 feet from others.

But first I have to fold it in half.

If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

The distance between heaven and hell...

New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought.

It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go "Oh my God!" to "WHAT THE HELL!"

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

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I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

I saw this small object flying at me from a distance.

I couldn’t figure out what it was.
And then, it hit me.

How does a Muslim boxer keep his distance?

Hijabs

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I have a fear of long distances

I go to great lengths to avoid them.

Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

Why did the bald guy get tattoos of rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they look like hares

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

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From a distance my boss looks like a young Harrison Ford

Up close he just looks like the cunt that he is.

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