A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made

So I sent her a solicited dip pic

I once saw a huge explosion in the distance, and I remember thinking "Why is there no shockwave? That's weird"

And then it hit me

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

In the distance, I could see my friend kissing a girl, who looked really into it.

I couldn't really tell who the woman was.

All I know is, they're someone I can't make out.

Do you know why I hate speed, distance and time?

Because it’s so t = d/s

How’s your long distance relationship been goin?

“So far, so good.”

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance

I said: "Why do we have to involve velocity with this?"

How does a Muslim boxer keep his distance?

Hijabs

I have a fear of missing targets at short distances

So I aim to go to great lengths to solve my phobia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?

They have a supreme ruler

I love my girlfriend but lately there's been this distance between us...

...at least 300 feet at all times

I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation.

The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one “Who are you?” The creature responds “We’re Trids! We just go up the hill,” as they point to a hill in the distance, “and a giant k...

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, Idiot! I...

Has anyone tried long distance relationships? I have and I hated it, i couldn't take it anymore, So...

I moved..... My fridge to my room.

On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.

You can’t imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.

It turns out my son's best friend sells marijuana. I really wish he would distance himself.

So that I could buy more of his friend's marijuana.

I had a 1 year long-distance relationship with a woman I'd never met, but when I finally met her

supposedly length mattered

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After practicing for 30 years, my best friend finally achieved the world record for "farthest ejaculation distance

I'm proud of him for how far he's come.

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed t...

I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore...

Especially since the restraining order.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

I was going to make a joke about the render distance of the fog...

But you won't be able to process it due to the lack of GiggleBites.

My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs.

So I bought a six foot straw.

What do you call a woman standing in the distance?

Dot

Why were B and D long distance lovers?

Because there was a C between them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
...

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying...

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

How do you break up with a farmer long-distance?

A John Deere letter.

Why are women bad at judging distance?

(_hold your hands about 3 inches apart_)

They were taught that's 8 inches.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was never into long-distance masturbation...

But now look how far I've come!

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good ...

I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ...

... but that's so much work.

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

​

The h...

Einstein sits next to a man on a long flight.

Einstein says,"Let's play a game. I will ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you will pay me only $5; but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500". The man agrees and the game proceeds.

Einstein asks the first question, “What is the distance between the Earth and the...

I'm in a long-distance relationship

My girlfriend lives in the future.

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

All four people are happy.

I have a long distance relationship with an anorexic girl.

Lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

Can a ninja kill someone from a distance?

Shuriken!

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

The distance between heaven and hell...

New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought.

It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go "Oh my God!" to "WHAT THE HELL!"

While walking down the street a politician was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven", says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem. Just let me in," says ...

How do pirates agree with each other over long distances?

With their aye-phones.

What's the difference between the Olympic long distance race and the Paralympic long distance race?

A lap

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

The surgeon and his wife.

Heard this in the OR today during surgery.

A middle aged surgeon and his wife are walking along a sandy beach, when they notice a brass lamp protruding from then ground.
The wife picks it up and a genie immediately spouts forth from the lamp. "You each may have 3 wishes", the genie says....

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A penguin grows tired of winters in Alaska, so

... he buys a used Corvette and heads southbound for California for warmer climates.

After driving about 800 miles, he hears a bad noise coming from the engine. He sees an auto repair shop in a small town and decides to pull in. The penguin explains the problem to the mechanic and he is told...

Grammar tip

Farther = physical distance

Further = metaphorical distance

Father = emotional distance