Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

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I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

I have a fear of long distances

I go to great lengths to avoid them.

Fat people in long distance relationships.

They don't work out.

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

What's a couch that you see in the distance?

A sofar.

TIL children had to stay a certain distance away from Kings in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

In the distance, I could see my friend kissing a girl, who looked really into it.

I couldn't really tell who the woman was.

All I know is, they're someone I can't make out.

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made

So I sent her a solicited dip pic

Do you know why I hate speed, distance and time?

Because it’s so t = d/s

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance

I said: "Why do we have to involve velocity with this?"

How does a Muslim boxer keep his distance?

Hijabs

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?

They have a supreme ruler

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a...

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation.

The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one “Who are you?” The creature responds “We’re Trids! We just go up the hill,” as they point to a hill in the distance, “and a giant k...

I love my girlfriend but lately there's been this distance between us...

...at least 300 feet at all times

Has anyone tried long distance relationships? I have and I hated it, i couldn't take it anymore, So...

I moved..... My fridge to my room.

It turns out my son's best friend sells marijuana. I really wish he would distance himself.

So that I could buy more of his friend's marijuana.

On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.

You can’t imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.

My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs.

So I bought a six foot straw.

I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore...

Especially since the restraining order.

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed t...

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Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

Why were B and D long distance lovers?

Because there was a C between them.

I was going to make a joke about the render distance of the fog...

But you won't be able to process it due to the lack of GiggleBites.

What do you call a woman standing in the distance?

Dot

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A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
...

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the...

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying...

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

How do you break up with a farmer long-distance?

A John Deere letter.

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good ...

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ...

... but that's so much work.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

All four people are happy.

I'm in a long-distance relationship

My girlfriend lives in the future.

I have a long distance relationship with an anorexic girl.

Lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

The distance between heaven and hell...

New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought.

It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go "Oh my God!" to "WHAT THE HELL!"

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

How do pirates agree with each other over long distances?

With their aye-phones.

Carruthers and Blenkinsop have been lost in the desert for many days, and they just finished the last of their water that morning.

Blenkinsop says "Carruthers, old chap, to be perfectly honest it looks like we're finished," and Carruthers says "You're probably right, old fellow, but never say die, what? You never know what's over the next sand-dune."

Prophetic words, for over the next sand dune they spy what appears to b...

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

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A mathematician and an engineer are in a room with a naked woman

The woman is horny, and says to the two that she will have sex with the first person to reach her. However, she is on a bed 10 feet away from them. Their condition is to start at that 10 foot mark together, and move half the available distance each time the decide to move closer.

The mathemat...

You hear some creature making noises in the distance. "Quick! Quick! Quick, quick, quick!" you hear it exclaim. What kind of beast is it you hear?

A duck.

...

with hiccups.

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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