UPJOKE
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a "restraining order"

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, โ€œChange your course, 10 degrees west.โ€

The light signals back, โ€œChange yours, 10 degrees east.โ€

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, โ€œIโ€™m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.โ€

The light signals back, โ€œIโ€™m a Seama...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.

Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"

A weem away
A weem away

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A Geordie private in the Napoleonic Wars was walking alongside his General when he heard a rythmic rumble in the distance.

"Whats that noise, General?" the Private asked.

"Those are war drums, lad"

"Thieving bastards!"

---

Hope you all enjoy this niche bit of Northern English humour!

As Northern Germans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate ...

Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I donโ€™t speak the same language

I say we have a โ€œlong distance relationship.โ€

She says I have a โ€œrestraining order.โ€

Spider-Man sensed a green figure levitating in the distance on a glider. โ€œHey! Who are you?โ€, he yelled.

โ€œWell, Iโ€™m the foe.โ€

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

An old Chinese story

A village was terrorized by a demon. The demon attacked people, ate their livestock, trampled their fields, screamed when they tried to sleep, blew out their lights, pinched their babies, threw their dinners on the floor, broke bowls, intentionally sang off key, and was a real nuisance. The villager...

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

"Doctor, I can't see at far distance!"

"Can you see the sun?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, how the hell far do you want to see?!"

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A cruise ship spies a seemingly deserted island in the distance...

(Warning: This is a joke that might only be understood by Jews. That said, it's a classic, and one that most Jews find to be extremely funny and spot on. If you're not Jewish, read on if you would like to glean some insight into Jewish humor and culture.)

 

So a cruise sh...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

Two old people playing golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.



"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."



"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"...

Sahara Desert.

A somewhat predictable oldie but amusing nevertheless.

A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties la...

3 women are on a ship thatโ€™s run out of fuel

Thereโ€™s an island in the distance so the brunette decides to make a swim for it. She swims 100metres but drowns.

The redhead decides to have a go. She swims 500metres but drowns.

The blonde has no choice. She gets in the water, swims 1 mile and gets within 100metres of the island. She ...

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A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

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I canโ€™t believe I have finally made it to the ejaculation distance championships

I have come a long way to make it here.

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

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A hitman who never misses charges $10k per bullet.

One day, a man hires the hitman and tells him that his wife is cheating on him, and that she is currently in bed with another man. He wants them shot.

So they sit on top a hill at a small distance from the house, facing the bedroom window where the manโ€™s wife is having her affair. He tells t...

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

A joke my girlfriend told me

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance

"See that over there? What is that?" Says the first crow

The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it"

"How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.ย  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

My boss wants me to sign up for the company 401k this Fridayโ€ฆ

โ€ฆanyone have any tips for ramping up my distance running in 72 hours?

Three women are trapped on a deserted island

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a red head are trapped on a deserted island, but can see in the distance land with obvious signs of civilization.

On the first day the brunette decides to swim to the next shore, she makes it about 1/4 of the way before she realizes she can't make it and...

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

How did Vikings communicate over long distances?

Norse code.

Sorry everyone!

How does a pirate measure distance?

With Yaaards!

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

How do Muslims social distance?

Qur'antine

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the Generalโ€™s office.

โ€œSince we werenโ€™t actuall...

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A lofty gentleman and his caddy partake on a round of golf on a fine afternoon.

Everything is going leisurely and the man tees off; he hits it brilliantly and it lands on the green, a very short distance from the hole. The caddy puts the wood in the bag and they both walk down to the green.

When they get there, the ball isn't there. "I swear it landed here. You saw it to...

Three Frogs

Three frogs exploring the forest decide to find a place to sleep since it was becoming late. One of the frogs spots a house in the distance so the three head towards it. Once at the house, they find an open window and enter inside finding themselves in the bathroom. Looking for a place to sleep, the...

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A man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar

He sits down, and orders a thimble of beer. The bartender looks confused, but gets him the drink. "Here's your drink, sir," says the barman. "But I have to ask. Are you, um, okay?"

^("Yes, I'm fine,") says the man. ^("It's not painful or anything.") He gestures at his tiny head.

"But, ...

I've never been very good with mental math. At times its like the numbers move around and disappear into the distance.

I'm not unique, many people struggle with roamin' numerals.

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Three men are stranded on the desert, under the scorching sun they see a shining light in the distance

To their surprise it's a genie lamp.

Desperate as they are all three rub the lamp at the same time.

A genie comes out and says: "Oh-ho! You've awaken me and as thanks I will grant 1 wish to each of you, just jump over these rocks and say what your want as you jump and a pile of what y...

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship

I still see her all the time, Iโ€™m just not legally permitted to be within 1,000 ft. of her.

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

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A husband notices that his wifeโ€™s hearing is deteriorating, and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

โ€œI canโ€™t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old ageโ€ he says to the doc.



โ€œThereโ€™s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearingโ€ explains the doctor. โ€œSimply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesnโ€™t hear you, move slightly closer and a...

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: โ€œThis is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.โ€

Unfortunately, my phone died right after โ€œman.โ€

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

A Building executive man goes to China

A Congolese Building executive man goes to China to visit their pen pal, who is also a building executive. He shows up at his house, and sees that it's huge. He's asks his friend how this could at all be the case.

His friend points into the distance and says: "do you see that bridge?

"...

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Three people reach the Pearly Gate at the same time, where they are told a very simple rule right at the beginning: DO NOT STEP ON DOGS! As a punishment, ugliness or stupidity awaits you.

"That should be easy", the three think to themselves, but when they pass the gate, they see that dogs are lying around everywhere.

The first one sees a heavenly hammock in the distance and carefully tries to reach it. But after only a few steps he steps on a small dog. He reaches the hammock ...

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

The South-African, Chinese and American are all on a new experimental long distance plane together

The South-African, American and the Chinese president are all on a plane

Eventually they get tired of talking business and decide to open up a couple of beers and soon get drunk, somehow they find a way to open one of the windows of the plane and take turns sticking their hand out the window....

Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

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Long distance relationships are hard...

I havenโ€™t seen my girl for a month and worst I havenโ€™t had sex for a couple of weeks...









โ€”Jose Cervantes

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, โ€œHey sweetheart, why donโ€™t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

Best vehicle from their country.

The devil told a Pole, a German and a Russian to bring the best vehicle from their country. The first one is a Pole with a small car (Maluch). The devil told him to break it. The Pole kicked once and the car fell apart. The second one is a German in a Mercedes. Kicks the car and nothing. He grabbed ...

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I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

You are driving down a long, lonely, dark, straight stretch of road at night. What is the one thing you can do that will cause a car, bus or truck to immediately appear in the distance, heading towards you ?

Turn on your high-beam headlights. Works every time.

why did the crow land on the telephone pole?

He wanted to make a long distance caw

Thanks to Corona a distance of 1.5 meters needs to be respected in my country

BMW drivers are proud, been using this technique for years.

I saw this small object flying at me from a distance.

I couldnโ€™t figure out what it was.
And then, it hit me.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

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10 speed

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pu...

I don't understand why everyone is saying that Americans are refusing to social distance...

...six feet is six feet, even if it's six feet under.

A man wants to know the distance to travel from the US to China

So he calls the airport

Operator: Hi how can I help you?

Man: Hi yes I want to know the distance between the US and China...Iโ€™m thinking of travelling.

Operator: Ok just a minute sir.

Man: Ok thank you.

Man: Honey, itโ€™s only 1 minute!

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This week I get to take part in the international long distance masterbation championship,

Oh, how far I've come.

Front page: โ€œIโ€™m making desks for the children in my area doing long distance learningโ€

r/pics: โ€œIโ€™m also making desks for children in my area doing long distance learningโ€

r/nosleep: โ€œIโ€™m also making desks out of children in my area doing long distance learningโ€

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