If thor throws his hammer a long distance,

Does that make it Mjol-far?

Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying.

I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and I are in a long distance relationship.

I live in Spain, and she lives in the future

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I never thought I'd be in the competitive world of long-distance ejaculation

And now look how far I've come.

I told the local business owner that I loved his convenient location -- walking distance from my house!

"That's nice, sir." He said. "But if you want an oil change, you'll have to drive"

Fat people in long distance relationships.

They don't work out.

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

What type of underwear do long distance runners wear?

Marathongs

I have a fear of long distances

I go to great lengths to avoid them.

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

In olde times, it's said that bog witches used to bewitch people or animals to carry messages over distances to each other.

They called it 'hexed messaging'.

Which unit do the undead use to measure distances?

Graveyards.

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance

I said: "Why do we have to involve velocity with this?"

What's a couch that you see in the distance?

A sofar.

My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made

So I sent her a solicited dip pic

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

In the distance, I could see my friend kissing a girl, who looked really into it.

I couldn't really tell who the woman was.

All I know is, they're someone I can't make out.

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Do you know why I hate speed, distance and time?

Because it’s so t = d/s

How does a Muslim boxer keep his distance?

Hijabs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?

They have a supreme ruler

Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a...

On my recent trip to Kenya, I booked a hotel within walking distance of the beach.

You can’t imagine how far the Kenyans would walk.

A Flat-Earther is lost at sea when he sees a boat off in the distance

then it disappears.

A rabbi was lost at sea when he saw an island in the distance.

The rabbi swims to the island and climbs up onto the beach when he sees a small, round creature roll down the hill. Then another, and another. He goes over and asks one “Who are you?” The creature responds “We’re Trids! We just go up the hill,” as they point to a hill in the distance, “and a giant k...

I got fired for naming my invention the Direct Interface for Long-Distance Observation.

The boss accused my team of pulling it out of an unauthorised Acronym Synthesis Service.

I love my girlfriend but lately there's been this distance between us...

...at least 300 feet at all times

Has anyone tried long distance relationships? I have and I hated it, i couldn't take it anymore, So...

I moved..... My fridge to my room.

It turns out my son's best friend sells marijuana. I really wish he would distance himself.

So that I could buy more of his friend's marijuana.

I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore...

Especially since the restraining order.

My doctor told me to distance myself from drugs.

So I bought a six foot straw.

A mathematician and an engineer agree to take part in an experiment.

The were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said, "this is pointless" and stormed out. The engineer agreed t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just broke my record for distance of ejaculation.

I've cum a long way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
...

I was going to make a joke about the render distance of the fog...

But you won't be able to process it due to the lack of GiggleBites.

What do you call a woman standing in the distance?

Dot

Why were B and D long distance lovers?

Because there was a C between them.

I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards.

It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

What distance does light travel on a diet?

Lite years.

Where Did The Crazy Distance Runner Go To Run?

The Psycho-Path.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying...

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

A Blonde and A lawyer.

A lawyer and a blonde are waiting at the airport next to each other. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game of Find the Answer. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the...

How do you break up with a farmer long-distance?

A John Deere letter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

Why do stormtroopers never have long distance relationships?

Because they'd miss each other.

A merchant ship captain spots a pirate vessel in the distance...

He says, "First mate, there is a pirate vessel coming straight for us. We must take evasive maneuvers. And bring me my red shirt."

The first mate says, "Your red shirt? Why captain?"

Captain says, "So if I am wounded in the coming battle, the men won't know see me bleed."

"Good ...

I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ...

... but that's so much work.

What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

All four people are happy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek, A German and An Italian get stranded after a plane crash.

They wander for days until finally they see something in the distance. They approach and are found by some local tribesmen and are accused of trespassing their village. Immediately they are led in front of the local leader:

"I am in a good mood so I will let you go if you participate in a sma...

The distance between heaven and hell...

New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought.

It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go "Oh my God!" to "WHAT THE HELL!"

A london cabbie is driving down an unlit street in heavy fog he sees a figure in the distance hailing him...

...he opens the door and turns around to see a beautiful naked woman.

"Where to love?"

"5 Kings road please"

She's so gorgeous and curvy in all the right places that he can't keep his eyes of her. She catches him in a longer lingering stare and says

"What do you think you...

I have a long distance relationship with an anorexic girl.

Lately I've been seeing less and less of her.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

How do pirates agree with each other over long distances?

With their aye-phones.

A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods late at night. A pack of wolves bay in the distance.

The little boy says "I'm scared". The clown says "You're scared? I gotta walk back alone."

What is a long distance love?

It's when you're in the office, bed is at home and whiskey is in the bar.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.