UPJOKE
miserablewretchedneedyinadequatedestitutepovertypitifulpeoplepathetichaplesspiteousshortimpoverisheddeficientinsufficient

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

OG: Anthony Jeselnik

Your momma is so poor

She gave me imitation crabs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, we were so poor

I had to jack off the dog to feed the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man & a poor man

There’s a rich man an a poor man sitting at a bar . Rich man says its my wife’s birthday day , i got her a big diamond ring an a Porsche . Poor man says why both ? Rich man says well I figured if she didn’t like the ring she could take it back in the Porsche an still be happy. Poor man says i got my...

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

With the cost of living crisis, it has finally happened. The poor are revolting.

No surprise really, given the cost of soap now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

What is 1 advantage of having poor memory?

You find all jokes on r/jokes funny.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

We were so poor when I was a kid…

I thought the teachers were rich

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poorly translated Dutch joke: A family called "Vermeer" has a construction supply shop

Next to the front door they have a cross with Jesus hanging on it with the text "for two thousand years, Jesus has hanged here with nails of Vermeer."

Their shop was in The Veluwe, i.e. the Dutch Bible belt, so the local municipality got upset and told the family to change it.

So the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor man meets a rich man at Christmas!

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night.

I am afraid that I’m about to lose my job at the graffiti removal company for poor performance.

The writing…is on the wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man and a poor man were waiting to cross the street.

It was Christmas time and the poor man asked the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas.

The rich man told him he got her a new car, a diamond necklace and trip to Fiji.

He then asks the poor man what he got his wife.

He said “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.”...

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a man is poor and fat, he’s a fat ass. When a man is rich and fat, he’s:

My cute chubby teddy bear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I hear of a Putin General I think of this really piss poor joke:

A soldier shows up for military training, but realizes he forgot to bring his gun.

The sergeant hands him a stick and gestures to the training field.

"You'll have to use this, soldier. If you need to shoot someone, just aim your stick at them and shout 'Bangity bang-bang'. If someone g...

A rich guy and a poor guy were having lunch togheter

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: "Hey, wanna swap ?"

**Rich guy**: "Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?"

**Poor guy**: "This isn't ordinary slop, it's a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter....

Poor dog….

A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him” he says,
“I think he's cross-eyed"


So the vet picks up the dog
and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him
down," says the vet.


"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"



"No, says ...

When we were in college, my roommates and I were so poor that we couldn’t afford to pay our electric bills.

It was…the darkest days of our lives.

My girlfriend is really poor

She's always saying Please! Please leave me a loan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Timmy...

The teacher asks Timmy "why did you bring your cat to school today?"

To which Timmy replied quite sad, I heard daddy telling mommy this morning, "Baby, I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kids go to school"

What do you call someone who steals noodles from the rich and gives them to the poor?

Ramen Hood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jack was from a poor family with many siblings [OC]

As the eldest child, he took up the responsibility of helping his parents financially by doing odd jobs, be it collecting recyclable scraps, cleaning, babysitting, dog walking or simple repair work. He had no choice but to drop out of high school at the age of 14 to work full time in order for his o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

I live in a poor neighborhood. Last week, I got my bike stolen

Because I couldn’t afford to buy it.

You can make a capitalist poor and they’ll still believe in Capitalism

But if you make a socialist rich, you have a new capitalist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lawyer and the poor men

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "...

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

Why is it in poor taste to make fun of grandpa's balls?

It is low hanging fruit.

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…

I think that’s poor for four.

I passed a tow truck and the poor driver was crying his eyes out.

I thought "He's headed for a breakdown"

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

poor bastard

When I was young.

I was very poor. After many many years of struggling I am no longer young.

I grew up so poor...

That I had to eat cereal with a fork to save milk.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

Did you hear about that poor guy who joined an orgy of trained seals?

He got the clap!

Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman

One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin. Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he'd hide his treasure in the kingdom's Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.

Months later, he find that his pockets have run dry and desperately n...

Poor Prince Phillip...

99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

Yo mama so poor

When people come to the door she gotta stick her head out and say “Ding, Dong!”

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

What do rich people and poor people have in common?

They both love to talk about money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Two people are discussing their ancestors who lived during world war 2

Girl: my grandparents were in a concentration camp

Boy: so was my grandpa, he died there

Girl: aw that’s so sad

Boy: yeah, poor guy fell out of the guard tower

When I was a kid we were so poor!

We were so poor that in the winter time we had to gather around our sickest sibling just to stay warm.

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

I'm so poor that...

I'm so poor that when I bought a new car, they sent me straight to the collections department.

Why was the farmhand so poor?

He could never hold a stable job.

When I was growing up, we were so poor...

We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.

Yesterday I gave my phone, watch and wallet to a poor guy…

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

Little Johnny came late to school one day.

"Why are you late, Johnny?" Asked his teacher.

"Well," explained Johnny. "Just round the corner, there was a poor old lady looking everywhere for a £20 she lost. She was looking for half an hour! I couldn't walk away."

"I see. That's really nice of you to help her."

Johnny repl...

I’m so poor….

That when people see me walking down the street with only one flip-flop on they say to me “ yo Juan you lost a flip flop” and I say “ no I didn’t, I found one!”

A poor little kid was playing on her own near a big mansion.

She was completely naked. Suddenly, a man came out of the house and gave her $200 and said, "Please, buy some clothes with this."

The little kid got super excited and ran back to her mother and showed her the money. The woman thought, "Wow, they gave a kid $200 for clothes! If I stand there n...

Growing up we were so poor...

Growing up we were so poor my brother and I had to share clothes.

And kids are so mean, at school they used to make fun of me ... especially when it wasn't my turn to wear the pants and underwear

Yo mama is so poor

That she cant even pay attention

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

How many jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

"no, it's ok, leave your poor mother in the dark..."

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

We were so poor when I was growing up

If I wasn't a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

I was so poor growing up and our house was so small that.

you could throw one rock through our front window and hit everyone in the house

I'm so fat and poor that...

I only have one diabete.

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

The farmers dog

Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest. Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature? Father Patrick replied, Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your d...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Wife donating many of her clothes to the suffering poor.

Told her, 'if your clothes fit them, they can't be suffering that badly'.

What’s considered trashy if you're poor, but classy if you're rich?

Manipulating the stock market

Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia... (Wife's favourite joke)

...tilling his field one day, he unearths a lamp. As he starts to rub off the dirt, a genie comes flying out and in a great, booming voice, says, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"

Pyort thinks a moment and says, "No, I ...

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

...has always been my Achilles' elbow.

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

A farmer moved into town

After getting settled in the new town, a farmer went to church for the first time. He found that the people in the church gossiped and shunned him for his poor appearance. After the service, the preacher went to the farmer and told him that "In this town, we get dressed up for church."
"But I...

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

My daughter was doing her homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I, proudly and confidently, told her that he was just a poor boy from a poor family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

Why are the Russian forces in Ukraine using the symbol "Z"?

Because the other half of the swastika fell off due to poor Russian maintenance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Women usually call me ugly until they see how much I actually make

then they start calling me poor & ugly

Blessed are the poor

For they pay no inheritance tax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm beginning to think my girlfriend might be homophobic...

She reacted *very poorly* last night when I came out to her...

A lawyer is driving home one evening

When he spots a man at the side of the road, eating the grass on the verge. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man says “I am so poor that my family and I cannot afford food and so we eat grass to survive”. The lawyer is horrified and says “that’s terrible! Look, I’m on my way home; gra...

a poorly espresso

An espresso went to the doctor and said " doctor, I'm feeling ill"
Doctor: "what seems to be the problem?"
Espresso:*coughs* "Well, I am a little coughy"

Why do poor people eat insects?

Because they're locust!

As the owner of a start up gin distillery I've been trying to break into the Asian market.

Unfortunately though the Thai tonic mixes very poorly with ice.

In theory if rich countries sent poor countries enough boostraps, they could pull themselves out of poverty

By selling them

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor poor William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits … you name it.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Ea...

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie but a goodie! (Long) (nsfw)

3 men are traveling in a distant country when they're captured by a native tribe. The chief explains to the men that, because they were caught on the tribes land, they are to be sentenced quite harshly. They have a choice of one of two punishments. Death, or Unga Bunga!

The first man, a rathe...

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

The bible says that, after Jesus was crucified, Joseph of Arimathea gave him his tomb to be buried in

What the bible does not mention is that Joseph's tomb was extremely fancy and expensive- marble carvings, wall paintings, the best 30AD had to offer.

Naturally, Joseph's friends were very surprised. "Joseph," they said, "Why did you give such a marvelous tomb to the poor son of a carpenter?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary

so they decide to go shopping at Madison avenue for their wives.

So the poor man asks the rich man "what did you get your wife this year?"

Rich man says " I got her a Huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes".

So the poor man asks the rich man "why did you get her both for?"...

poor teacher

A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.

The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"

Everyone went back to their seats except for one.

"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,

"No, but i didnt want you to be...

A man struggles to not use Train metaphors

"No more!" he swore to himself. "Today's the day I finally change my one-track mind! Oh. Ok, I'll let that one go, but no more!"

He entered the meeting. Several minutes passed.

"Everyone let's try not to get off track." **Damnit! I did it again. That's the last one!**

"What I me...

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

I hope that if I ever get rich I won't be mean to poor people

Like I am now

(Dark, I know, but one of my favorite deep thoughts)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man I'm poor I can't afford crap.

Shit's expensive.

Kids these days...

It was a very rainy day and the new kindergarten teacher was helping her children wear their galoshes. It was a tiresome job involving much pushing and shoving.

Finally it was young Barry's turn. The teacher pushed and pushed and finally helped him into his galoshes.

"You know," said ...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.