UPJOKE
miserablewretchedneedyinadequatedestitutepovertypitifulpeoplepathetichaplessshortimpoverisheddeficientinsufficientunfortunate

Poor Jokes

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

Wife: I have a bag full of old clothes I’d like to donate

Me: Why not throw them in the trash, much easier?

Wife: There are poor, starving, people who can really use all these clothes.

Me: Anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving.

I’m currently in hospital on ward 8b

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the doo...

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.

I can't say no to my girlfriend when she gives me puppy dog eyes...

If she could be that cruel to a poor, defenseless dog I can't imagine what she could do to me.

there are ten kinds of people

Those who understand binary jokes, and those who don't.

Triplets

I was in a band in college and we sucked, but it was a fun hang so we just liked chilling and playing pop music without worrying about being technically proficient as we were all beginners to our instruments.


Of the three of us, I was the most experienced, as I’d been playing bass for...

A Punjabi latifa (joke), translated.

The government, via the local mosque, announces that every married couple will receive 100, 000 rupees for every child they have, as a sort of relief check.

Johnny, a poor man with 7 kids, hears this joke.

He tells his wife, "O wife, we have 7 kids, and we will receive 700,000 rupees ...

A woman asked me to come back to her place for a nightcap.

After a couple of drinks she asks me to get undressed. I took off my shoes and socks and she screamed "what happened to your toes?"

Me-When I was a kid I had toelio.

Her-Do you mean polio?

Me-No girl, look at my toes. It was toelio.

Then I took off my pants. She screamed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gi...

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...

A poor man was looking for a job

For weeks he couldn't find one, and he barely had any money left when he found a job at a company as a bathroom cleaner. He went to the office, and after discussing with the boss, he got the job "One thing," said the boss, "I'll need to send you our policy to sign via email". The man looked at him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Long Shots" (long)

A bartender was tending his bar, as one does, when a drunk patron approaches him and orders a pint of beer, plus a couple shots for himself and the bartender... The bar was relatively unpopulated, save for a few sitting along the bar and a booth of 5 gentlemen in the far corner, loudly joking and la...

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor guy

Help needed.

I work on a children's hospital, I'm known for the bad jokes I tell to the patients and their parents to cheer them up. I've actually ran out of jokes in the two and a half years I've worked there. I would REALLY appreciate if the community could tell me some new jokes that kids would get and find f...

11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...

And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"

"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily.

"Who are you in love with?" Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.

"It's you." Jo...

A Scotsman, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...

The Scot notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Scot as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar without money…

He asks the bartender if he can get a free drink. The bartender kindly replies there are no free drinks on offer, but he could actually try the challenge and win free drinks for the rest of his life…

Naturally, the guy is interested; ‘So tell me about that challenge!’

The bartender exp...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were playing golf...

And they were having a hard time because they were constantly being distracted and disrupted by another group of golfers who were playing very badly.

"Why are they even being allowed to golf here?" the doctor asked their caddie.

"Well," said the caddie, " They used to be firefighters....

It was raining hard...

...and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood by the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the puddle.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

'Poor old fool,' thought...

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

Yesterday I donated my phone, wallet and watch to a poor guy...

You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket.

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see his doctor

"I'm stressed out by the most simple social interactions," he says.

"Very common," says his doctor. "I'll write you a prescription. Your insurance covers that."

"Sometimes I hear voices telling me to hurt myself and others," he says.

"That's fine as well," says the doctor, scrat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor was on stage playing Macbeth...

...and when he did the soliloquy he performed it so poorly that everyone in the audience began to boo him loudly. Finally in humiliation he stopped and yelled, "Give me a break! I'm just an actor, I didn't write this crap!"

Due to poor attendance, the Oakland A’s are moving to Vancouver!

They will now be called the Eh’s.

Life is like a box of chocolates.

The poor can't afford it.

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need.

The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will.

The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and kee...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a bad golf drive and a poorly packed parachute?

One is whack...fuck and the other is fuck....whack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

A priest is walking around looking for the supermarket.

He sees a drug addict sitting on the ground and asks him for directions.
The addict shows him the way and goes back to his spot on the ground.
The priest starts to head his way but his heart goes out to the poor man so he returns to him.

"Young man I see that you are struggling, let me ...

My four-year-old nephew still can’t say ‘please’ in Spanish.

That’s poor for four.

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

Some poor children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas songs

They heard that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren´t on his nice list, and so they commit as many petty crimes as possible to be on his naughty list so as to not die of hypothermia.

I asked my dog how he was feeling today.

Poor guy said “Ruff”

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

Did you hear about that lorry driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?

It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.

Poor Rick Astley

He must be really struggling with Lent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest dies and goes to Heaven

As he’s waiting for his turn at the pearly gates, he notices a sign saying that each individual’s experience in eternity will depend on how they have impacted people’s lives on Earth. This sight pleases him as his occupation is highly regarded in the Christian faith, so the pinnacle of heavenly blis...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I knew someone who was so broke, he couldn’t even afford to drink water.

He was piss-poor

What do you call someone who had kids before they turned 20?

Poor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny's teacher noticed him walking down the street one Saturday--

She was used to Little Johnny's antics by now, but this time was weird, even for him. He was holding a cat, and what looked like a pack of Tic-tacs. He would walk for a little bit, stop, eat a couple of candies, bite the cat, and start walking again.

When they got close enough, she asked, "Li...

I once had a brain eating amoeba

the poor fella died of starvation

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

Yo mama so poor…

… that ducks throw bread at her.

[LONG] The priest and the half lemon.

A priest was sent out to a rural village because the old priest has passed away. He meets the local people, they all get to know each other. His first mass goes well, but after the ceremony a slim man in poor clothing approaches the priest and says:

\- Excuse me father, be kind, and please gi...

What did the homeless man say to the musician?

"You poor man. Here."

*empties his change cup*

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

A friend of mine had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.

The pay was poor, but the tips were huge

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

A Mime Goes To The Zoo...

The mime, who has been down on his luck, begins to perform his act in the middle of the zoo. Just as a small crowd is beginning to gather, a couple of zookeepers come by and escort him away.

The zookeepers bring the mime to see the head zookeeper, who admits to the mime that recently their m...

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside...

He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!"...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Village tradition

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gat...

Back in the day…..

The poor had horses and the rich had cars


Nowadays the poor have cars and the rich have horses

How the stables have turned

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

Tramp

A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.

“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sandy was the youngest of five brothers born in a poor family in 19th century Scotland.

When he came of age, Sandy decided to cross the seas to America to seek his fortune. Scots are thrifty and hardworking, so Sandy prospered in his new home. After twenty years, he decided the time had come, so he booked passage on a sailing ship to cross the sea again and return to his native land fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes when I tell him this is worth a world.

OG: Anthony Jeselnik

A dad bod is like a poorly designed website.

The best part is below the fold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.