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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire

Where do poor Italians live?

The spaghetto

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A man gets home from work very disgruntled, his wife asks "What is the matter?" (Man) "I got fired from the factory today." (Wife) "Oh honey you poor thing, what did you do now?" (Man) "I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer." Wife *Looks down at his johnson* "What happened to the pickle slicer...?"

She was fired too.

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology...

has always been my Achilles' elbow.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do poor gamers and women have in common?

They both cry when they get beaten with a counter.

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

What's the difference between a well-dressed person on a unicycle or a poorly-dressed person on a bicycle?

Attire

Two nuns are out on their bicycles visiting the poor

But as they cycle around the village, they get a bit lost and find themselves rolling down a steep, roughly paved hill. Shrieking, the nuns bounce down the hill.

At the bottom, one says to the other, “My goodness, Sister! Have you ever come that way before?”

“No,” says the other, “Must...

Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man

Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!

Robin: *squints* you're what?

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $300 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the immense happiness and relief I felt as he slid the pistol back into his waistband.

I pity the poor insomniac dyslexic agnostic

He sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

I used to be poor. Then I started singing on streets for donations.

Now I get donations to not sing on streets

It’s ironic that “rain on your wedding day” is a poor example of irony.

And a “free ride when you’ve already paid” isn’t any better.

A homeless man with poor clothing is walking one day when he sees a church is having a service so he goes inside. When he gets inside a person walks up to him looks at his clothes and tells him to leave.

The man goes and sits outside and has a small cry when a voice behind him says "whats wrong"?. When he explains what has happened the voice replies don't worry my son my name is god and I have been trying to get into that place for years

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

Poor grammar and the Coronavirus both made me..

[sic]

Poor homeless woman

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

what do you call a poor part of a town in Italy

the spaghetto

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A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

Why do the cops always think poor people get murdered?

There's always signs of a struggle

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

Show me a fella with poor hand washing technique

and I’ll show you a man who finishes in under 20 seconds

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A joke about a poor grandpa

An old grandpa was speaking to his granddaughter and he said "I am really getting old, luck is by my side. Even when I enter the bathroom, the lights turn on without me touching the switch"

So the granddaughter was asking the grandfather's doctor about the bathroom thing and the doctor said "...

Why was Heisenberg a poor lover?

When he had the position, he couldn't find the momentum, and when he had the momentum, he couldn't find the position.

If some poor people are just temporarily embarrassed millionaires...

Does that mean some rich people are temporarily flattered homeless bums?

What does the body builder say to the regular person who shares their poor diet patterns?

I'm sorry you *fuel* that way

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

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Being poor is like being gay

You’re born that way

Girls just want to be friends.

When you finally tell your parents they say “we knew”.

I wish I could be poor one day

I am tired of being poor everyday

A poor South Korean man decided to join the military

He really did not want to join the military because he knew his wife was a loose woman, but he had no other choice.

After his posting of 6 months at the North Korean border, he comes back to his house only to see his wife ditch him for another man.

Really upset about the fact that serv...

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So there is this one time when a rich man came accross a poor man in a stall on xmas.

The poor man asked, "so what present are you gonna give your wife this year?"

To which the rich man responded, "a diamond ring and a lamborghini."

"why those two things?" asked the poor man in confusion.

"Well, because if she doesn't like the ring, she can use the lamborghini to...

A poor philosopher walks up to a pimp and says...

"A penny for your thots."

I’m gonna start a religion about that Jewish guy who went around trying to help poor people but was killed because he was betrayed by one of his former close allies

I’m calling it Trotskyism

I was so poor growing up...

if I didn't wake up with a hard on, I had nothing to play with all day.

My family was so poor, we lived in a toadstool.

There wasn't mushroom, but it was home.

“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Poor guy, hope he gets the help he needs

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian "Hey, do you have any books on suicide?"

Librarian replies, "yes we do but I'm not giving it to you as it won't be returned"

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

A poor guy and a rich man

A poor guy and a rich man had their wedding on the same day so every year they would meet and ask eachother what they bought for their wives for wedding anniversary.
One year, they met as usual and the poor guy asks the rich man:
Hey, what did u get for your wife?
Rich man: I got her a diam...

What did the block mason say before he fired his employee for doing a poor job making sewer covers?

I'm about to end his manhole's career

Why did the man with poor vision pour baked beans into his eyes?

Heinz-sight is 20/20.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

One day, Robin Hood visits a poor beggar

Robin gives the beggar a fair amount of coins stolen from a wealthy merchant and was about to leave when the beggar cried out, "I'm rich!"

Robin Hood paused, turned around slowly, and said, "Not for long, you aren't."

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Why are crematorium workers always poor?

Because they can’t urn the living!

I just spoke with Bill Withers. We told him “Ain’t No Sunshine is poor grammar”.

He said, “I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know!”

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

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A survey was conducted for poor tennis players who were bad at sex

It was decided on a worst come worst serve basis

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

having poor parents is actually quite nice sometimes

Since teachers assume we are living on the streets, they don't give me any homework anymore.

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Best features

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that s...

If I got a dollar for every 2020 vision joke I‘ve read today, I’d still be poor.

I don‘t sort by new.

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

My weekend is looking like a poorly organized herb gardener.

Nothing but thyme on my hands.

Wife: I have bag full of clothes I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in trash? It's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use the clothes

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits in your clothes is not starving.

Why did the poor quarterback have his receivers cross at mid-field?

He was trying to make ends meet

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

A child from a poor family wanted a bike for Christmas

so he asked his mother. His mother replied, 'Well, I can't afford one so you'll just have to go ask the baby Jesus.'

The boy went to his room, got a stack of refill and a pen and began writing: 'Dear Baby Jesus, I've been good all year, can you please give me a bike for Christmas.'

The...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

[Motivation] Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.

I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

We were so poor when I was a kid....

If you didn’t wake up on Christmas morning with a hard-on you had nothing to play with

A group of people gathered to protest poor internet

- What do we want?
- When do we want it?
- Lag-free internet!
- Now!

What do you call a poor man’s fart.

Destitoot

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

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A man walks around in a forest...

He sees a duckling covered in shit. The man feels sorry for the little bird and grabs a tissue to clean it.

The man proceeds to walk when he comes across another duckling covered in shit. The man starts to question what's going on, and again, cleans the little duckling.

After walking...

My poor friend lost both his arms...

...I feel for him.

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Sex is like a poorly explained joke.

I don't get it.

My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.

Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.

Women call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

‪This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus. ‬ ‪

Normally I don’t go because I’m poor‬

Poor Mr. Vinegar, he can’t catch a break.

Every time he turns around, he’s in a pickle!

Where's the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

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A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

A Yorkshire man's beloved wife passed away.

He went to the headstone maker to sort out the stone for her grave. Being a devout man, he decided the inscription should read 'She was thine'. The stonemason told him to return a week later.
A week later the man returns to inspect the stone. The proud stonemason wheeled it out in a trolley. It ...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

A teacher asks her primary school students what their father do for a living

"So, Timothy, what does your father do ?"

"My dad is a firefighter !"

"Fantastic ! And you Samantha, what does your father do ?"

" He's an accountant !"

"Wonderful ! And yours, Jimmy ?"

Poor little Jimmy then breaks into tears and wails "my father is dead !"
...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

Which weighs more? A pound of steel or a pound of feathers?

A pound of feathers.


Because 10 pounds of steel is just some steel, but when you carry 10 pounds of feathers, you also need to carry the emotional burden of what you did to those poor birds.

Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,

If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

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The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

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The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

Winter is upon is, the poor will have to choose between food, heating

Or getting a new tattoo.

Trip to the zoo

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one ha...

A little girl, around 10 years old, walks into a bakery

The baker's wife, taking care of the sales at the till, can't help but notice her deformed face, her palate cleft and her whole distorted body, forcing her to use crutches to move around. The wife, thinking what a poor life she must have had, asks kindly what she could do to help the lil girl :
...

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needed some space.

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Once saw a kid getting jumped by four other kids, so I decided to step in

poor bastard didn’t stand a chance against all five of us

I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump"

.. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.

Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!

My Hungarian boss' favorite joke

In the midst of the Cold War, the CIA sends its best spy into Russia. He has spent the last 10 years learning how to blend in with the locals. He speaks perfect Russian, he can dance the kalinka better than anyone, and he can drink an entire bottle of vodka without batting an eyelash. As soon as he'...

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Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yell...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in...

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

Where do poor Italiens live?

In the Spaghetto. Haha molto bene!

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