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Keeps Jokes

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide

is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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My next door neighbor with massive boobs keeps walking around the backyard topless.

I wish his wife would do the same.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

Who keeps the children?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the jud...

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen...

Drat! I meant to post this somewhere else!

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

I have an imaginary friend, but he keeps making fun of me.

He keeps saying, “At least I have a real friend.”

Someone keeps sending me flowers with the heads cut off

I think I'm being stalked

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I'm dating an English teacher who keeps correcting my grammar during sex.

She gets particularly annoyed about my improper use of the colon.

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

My dog keeps sleeping on my bed

Every time I think about it


I get a warm and fuzzy feeling

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

Guy keeps calling off work on Mondays....

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "...

I have a suspicion that my wife keeps covering my antique weapons in glue.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.

Everyone keeps saying Aaron Rodgers only had 4 snaps with the Jets.....

Its 5 if you count the Achilles ( I'm so sorry jets fans )

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Anal sex keeps my wife really fit.

Every time I mention it she runs a mile.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Everyone keeps calling my dog “he”

I’m like, “Bitch, please”

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

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My therapist keeps telling me that I’m obsessed with vengeance…

We’ll see about that

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

My girlfriend keeps making fun of me because I’m French.

I give up.

What's the scary dessert that keeps coming back?

Boo! meringue

I’ve got a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities…..

It’s starting to Hanoi me now.

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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

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To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

A bike in town keeps running me over

It’s a vicious cycle

My car keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

My wife keeps discharging all our electrical devices

I think it constitutes grounds for divorce

What's it called when a female member of a religious community keeps claiming that she can see things others can't?

Habitual nunsense

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

An apple a day keeps anyone away

If you throw it hard enough

My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory

But it's all bark and no byte

I don’t know where to park my boat and everyone at the dock keeps staring at me.

I’m under…a lot of pier pressure.

I call my cat that keeps escaping “Rasputin”

He was a cat that really was gone.

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My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?"

It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

My wife keeps using the old ‘men can’t multitask’ stereotype..

So i said “that’s a lie.. I can make love to you AND think of your sister at the same time”

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her.

She's starting to sound like my wife.

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My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad

My wife keeps blaming me for making inanimate objects mad.

"Quit pissing off the roof. Quit pissing off the balcony. Quit pissing off the diving board."

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

The missus keeps sorting coins into neat, separate denomination piles

I'm not sure if she has OCD or if she's just going through the change

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

At a mental hospital, one patient keeps yelling "I am a messenger of God! I am a messenger of God!"

"I didn't send anybody" says someone in the adjacent room.

What do you do if your son keeps biting on wires?

Ground him till he conducts himself properly

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away…

I grew a whole damn orchard and still can’t get rid of these medical bills

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Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.

Happy New Year 2016 everyone.

My wife keeps telling me that I have no sense of empathy.

I have no idea why she feels that way.

Son keeps tipping the waitress

Every sunday father and son go to the same restaurant.
When asking for the bill the waitress come and places the bill in the table, they put the right amount on the table but the son puts a 500 dollars tip.

Next Monday the father goes the same restaurant pays and leave a 5 dollars tip. ...

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

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A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctor's fucked up my mouth surgery.

Who’s the buff actor who keeps sneezing?

Ah it’s Vin Sniesel

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BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

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An apple a day keeps a doctor away!

I'm buying one apple every day to keep myself healthy

Punchlines:
1) Probably should be eating them, not just buying.

/

2) At the end of the week I'm throwing out apple puree.

/

3) So far I have 148 apples at my house, any ideas what to do next?

/

...

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My girlfriend keeps watching Chris Pratt movies then taking long showers.

I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

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(NSFW) My wife keeps making jokes about squirting orgasms

At first I didn't get it, but then it hit me.

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A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

What keeps the ocean from leaking out?

The seals.

What do you call a Russian footballer who keeps fouling?

Sendimov

Someone keeps adding soil to my garden!

The plot thickens

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

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To the ass hole that keeps calling my phone, sneezing, then hanging up.

I am getting sick and tired of your cold calls.

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