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Bless you

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tiss...

How do you restrain a straight person?

Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person?

Make the trans' vest tight.

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TIL That it's illegal for an adult man to suckle on the breasts of a pregnant woman in public.

At least that's what the restraining order says.

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

It sucks having to stay away from my girlfriend.

Not because of social distancing, she has a restraining order on me.

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

I decided to write a joke about restraining orders.

This is the closest I could get.

My wife got a restraining order against me.

I love it when she plays hard to get.

All this talk recently about following the Swedish model

I tried following a Swedish model one time. Apparently, Sweden has restraining orders, too...

I had to take out a restraining order against my molar...

...it was abscessed with me.

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The Hamstrung Limpet

Do you know what the hamstrung limpet is? Well let me tell ya...

One fine spring day, a boy on a playground had a burning question. It was a rather odd question, so he decided to confide in a fellow child
He walked up to a little girl on the playground, and asked her, “Do you know...

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

I like the romantic moment in a relationship.

It happens somewhere between that first kiss and the restraining order.

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Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.

He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”

Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.

Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’...

You tell people God is looking over them they get happy

But when I do the same I get a restraining order? Pff

court

if you ever go to court, file a restraining order on every judge and then you can’t go.

No Sir, I cannot "go to Hell"...

Satan still has a restraining order on me...

I have the eye of a tiger, and the heart of a lion.

I also have a permanent ban from the zoo, and a few restraining orders

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

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My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

All the girls in my town have a fetish for feet.

Any time I go near one, they add a few more to the restraining order.

I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore...

Especially since the restraining order.

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A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

Girls talking about how they want to be treated like goddesses...

But you sacrifice a couple bulls and all of a sudden you got restraining orders against you.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

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A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

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A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.

In short it's perfect. The piano...

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

At least, that's what the restraining order says.

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

 

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

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Gorilla Removal

A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house. He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert.
He called.
When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottwe...

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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longe...

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

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A Scot and a priest playing golf (Long)

A Scot and a priest are playing a round of golf. The Scotsman narrowly misses his shot to take the lead.
"God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest turns to the Scotsman shocked and says "You'd better not use the lords name in vain or else he will strike you down where you stand"
A ...

Doctor's advice.

*I was reminded of this joke yesterday (don't ask why!). If this is a repost, then I suck at reddit search.*

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the
customer decides to let it go.

"Would you l...

Russian Nursery Rhyme

The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain

The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting...

...or has multiple restraining orders against me?

I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.

They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.

They played Come On Eileen.

I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

Everyone always told me to chase my dreams

Now Emma Watson has a restraining order against me.

I always go the extra mile for my wife

Ever since she took out that restraining order

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

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Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

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Joining a church.

Three couples (young, middle aged, and older) walk up to their local priest and ask him if they may join the church. The priest tells each couple that they may only join the church if they may show abstinence for one month. The couples return to the church one month later and the priest asks them if...

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(OC) I was at an outdoor showing of and old movie last week...

(On the Waterfront(1954)) when a clearly disturbed and hyperactive boy sitting near me began to behave strangely. He was fondling his penis, groping at adult men and finally trying to sodomize himself with various items. He needed to be forcibly restrained by his parents, all the while the boy conti...

What's the biggest sign she's just not into you?

a restraining order.

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I swear I can stare at my girl for hours and not say a word.

It's so fucking difficult with this restraining order to have a good conversation.

Beautiful Girl

I once said to my girlfriend I would never stop telling her how beautiful she is.

Three years, a break up and two restraining orders later I still haven't stopped.


Made this one up myself thanks for reading.

I just got Natalie Portman's autograph!

Sure, it's on a restraining order, but still...

when she gives me her autograph

I love it when she signs the restraining order without dotting the i with a heart, playing hard to get I see!

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