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Restrain Jokes

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

What do you call an impatient man from Bangkok who moved to the capital city of the Republic of China for a writing job, got kidnapped, covered in multicolored paint and restrained with rope?

A tied-up, tye-dyed, Type-A, Taipei-Thai typist.

What do you call a spouse’s family member with a restraining order?

An outlawed in-law.

How do you restrain a straight person?

Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person?

Make the trans' vest tight.

I’ve been called a pervert. I’ve been banned from the mall. I’ve even gotten a few restraining orders, but I won’t let that stop me.

Come hell or high water, I’m gonna figure out Victoria’s Secret.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

How do you call a self-restrained coke addict?

A one-liner

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

My wife got a restraining order against me.

I love it when she plays hard to get.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the chronic masturbater restrained to his hospital bed?

He kept trying to discharge himself

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.

He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.

“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.

They say that breaking up is hard to do – but it's much easier

with a restraining order and a Rottweiler.

Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement...

Three women, one a brunette, one a redhead and one a blonde, are standing at the gateway to heaven, awaiting judgement.


St. Peter tells them that to enter Heaven their resolve must first be tested. He will tell them 100 jokes and they must restrain themselves from laughing, or Hell awai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife : When i said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a shell or something.

Me : [trying to restrain a Seagull] FUCKIN SAY THAT THEN!!

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

If you keep following your dreams...

They’re going to file a restraining order.

It sucks having to stay away from my girlfriend.

Not because of social distancing, she has a restraining order on me.

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A goth, a weeb and a brony walks into a bar

Bartender said well well well! We don't see you people often in here. So how about this, I'ma make you an offer. Each one of you say the most embarrassing thing you have done, and the person with the most cringe-worthy story gets a drink for free.

The Goth said, well I cut my ex's name in my ...

All the girls in my town have a fetish for feet.

Any time I go near one, they add a few more to the restraining order.

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longe...

Russian Nursery Rhyme

The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain

The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are looking to join a new church.

They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

"If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I'll let you join my congregation," he says. "I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation."

All three couples agree that it's a fair test, and they promi...

I like the romantic moment in a relationship.

It happens somewhere between that first kiss and the restraining order.

I have the eye of a tiger, and the heart of a lion.

I also have a permanent ban from the zoo, and a few restraining orders

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

At least, that's what the restraining order says.

‪I was passionately following my dreams.‬

They felt threatened, and filed for a restraining order. ‬

‪Now I’m not allowed anywhere within 200mtr of their presence. ‬

You tell people God is looking over them they get happy

But when I do the same I get a restraining order? Pff

No Sir, I cannot "go to Hell"...

Satan still has a restraining order on me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

A woman confronts her stalker.

The woman says, "I'm getting a restraining order so you'll legally have to stop following me!"
The man, outraged, yelled, "You can't do that! I haven't done anything wrong!"
"Watch me!", said the woman.
"Well, which is it?", replied the stalker.

I’ve hit rock bottom...

...and got a restraining order from Dwayne Johnson because of it.

court

if you ever go to court, file a restraining order on every judge and then you can’t go.

Girls talking about how they want to be treated like goddesses...

But you sacrifice a couple bulls and all of a sudden you got restraining orders against you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tribe captures two guys

One of them is taken into a hut. There, the tribe chief asks him:

"Choose, chunga-lunga or death?"

"Chunga-lunga." Says the man.

They restrain him, strip him naked, and fuck him for eight hours straight. Then they throw him into the cage with his friend. He says to him:

"...

A guy goes to heaven ...

and he meets God. God says "You were a good person, come with me" God takes him to what looks like a festival. As they get closer, he hears gunshots. He turns and aske God what this is. He replies "Well, since you were a good person, and did not sin once in your life, you get to commit one sin, f...

Why is it everything I love is either unhealthy, addicting...

...or has multiple restraining orders against me?

At the Pharmacy

A lady walked into a drug store and told the Pharmacist she needed a bottle of cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

“So I can poison that no good husband of mine,” she replied in an indignant tone.

The pharmacist’s turned pale as his eyes grew wi...

What do you call the marriage license for a couple whose main kink is bondage?

A restraining order!

I always go the extra mile for my wife

Ever since she took out that restraining order

Everyone always told me to chase my dreams

Now Emma Watson has a restraining order against me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a small sword are both under arrest for sexual misconduct

A detective/ interviewer is being brought to the two sexual predators who are both in separate rooms. First he goes to the room with the man. The man is not constrained and is sitting on a chair. The detective peaks in the window to the room and asks the officer "What exactly did he do?" the officer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla Removal

A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house. He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert.
He called.
When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottwe...

What's the biggest sign she's just not into you?

a restraining order.

Parker seeks the help of International Rescue for something out of the ordinary...

"You have to help me, Mr. Tracy. It's Lady Penelope. She has gone crazy! "

"Gone crazy, Parker? What do you mean by that?"

"It's her drinking....She cannot restrain herself. Every evening for five months she's been in the bar, drinking heavily, disturbing everybody and being utterly un...

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A Scot and a priest playing golf (Long)

A Scot and a priest are playing a round of golf. The Scotsman narrowly misses his shot to take the lead.
"God dammit, Missed the wee bugger!"
The priest turns to the Scotsman shocked and says "You'd better not use the lords name in vain or else he will strike you down where you stand"
A ...

I went out to a nightclub

They played the Twist, so I did the Twist.

They played the Cha-Cha Slide, so I did the Cha-Cha Slide.

They played Come On Eileen.

I'm banned from that nightclub, but I got a sweet restraining order.

Doctor's advice.

*I was reminded of this joke yesterday (don't ask why!). If this is a repost, then I suck at reddit search.*

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter
brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the
customer decides to let it go.

"Would you l...

I just got Natalie Portman's autograph!

Sure, it's on a restraining order, but still...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Vampires and a Tavern

A vampire finds a tavern and wanders inside.

He goes up to the barkeep and says, “Gimme a goblet of warm blood”

Barkeep says, “What in the hell!?” , And puts a stake in the vampires heart.

Later, another Vampire walks in.
This one asks, “Give me a tankard of warm blood! Or I’...

when she gives me her autograph

I love it when she signs the restraining order without dotting the i with a heart, playing hard to get I see!

Two magic beans...

Two magic beans are in a court house. One of them wants a restraining order against the other.

The reason?

He's bean stalking her

Beautiful Girl

I once said to my girlfriend I would never stop telling her how beautiful she is.

Three years, a break up and two restraining orders later I still haven't stopped.


Made this one up myself thanks for reading.

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joining a church.

Three couples (young, middle aged, and older) walk up to their local priest and ask him if they may join the church. The priest tells each couple that they may only join the church if they may show abstinence for one month. The couples return to the church one month later and the priest asks them if...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) I was at an outdoor showing of and old movie last week...

(On the Waterfront(1954)) when a clearly disturbed and hyperactive boy sitting near me began to behave strangely. He was fondling his penis, groping at adult men and finally trying to sodomize himself with various items. He needed to be forcibly restrained by his parents, all the while the boy conti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is opening up a new piano bar...

...and is auditioning pianists. It's been a long day, and he's heard dozens of of pianists play, but none of them have had that special something he's looking for. The last audition of the day comes in, sits at the piano, and starts playing the audition piece.

In short it's perfect. The piano...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

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