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Couldn't Stop Jokes

Did you hear about the Norse god who couldn't stop losing hair?

His name was Balder

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

Hear the one about the guy who couldn't stop worrying about shelves?

He was shelf conscious.

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

What did the chef say he couldn't stop cooking and burnt the food?

Sorry, I got curried away!

Did you hear about the dinosaur that couldn't stop coughing?

It was a bronchitisaurus.

My friend couldn't stop talking about her Vietnam trip.

She was really hannoying.

You hear the one about the nun who couldn't stop praying?

I guess it's a force of habit.

A man went to the doctor because he felt sick and tired because he couldn't stop telling airport jokes.

He found out it was terminal

My ex girlfriend couldn't stop bragging about my length and girth.

But she was just pulling my leg.

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

Last night I couldn't stop dreaming about being a car muffler

When I woke up this morning, I was exhausted

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I rode a roller-coaster and the woman next to me couldn't stop screaming.

It was like she'd never seen a penis before.

I met an alien who couldn't stop swearing...

He was an Extra Tourettes-trial.

A rich man dies and his three sons inherit his estate

One's a doctor, one's a lawyer, and one's a priest. His dying request to the three of them is that, to show their gratitude for all the money he's leaving them, he wants each to take out $10,000 and put it in his coffin. The day of the funeral comes, and each of the sons dutifully puts a paper bag i...

I couldn't stop sneezing after lunch today.

...I ate a sneezer salad.

(Also this is a true story, and I said this to my office :P)

I went to doctors as i couldn't stop hearing green green grass of home ....

The doctor said 'I think you might have a touch of Tom Jones syndrome'

I asked 'Is it common?'

He said 'Well......it's not unusual'.

My girlfriend left me because I couldn't stop singing Linkin Park.

I don't know why it made her so angry, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.

A guy wakes up from a coma.

His doctor asks him what he remembers.
- All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".

Everyone knows about Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer..

But few know about Harold the Brown Nose Reindeer.

He was as strong as the rest, and could fly as high..he just couldn't stop as fast.

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Saw a really stunning cute girl in Thailand on the bus, couldn't stop looking. I thought "please don't get a boner, please don't get a boner..."

But she did.

I used to be addicted to the "Hokey Pokey" song, I couldn't stop listening to it again and again and again...

But I turned myself around.

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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

If Donald trump knew the Democrats we're going to rig the election months ago and still couldn't stop them

Does that make their plan fool proof?

I just couldn't stop watching the video about mechanically joining metal...

It was riveting.

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

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Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

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What do you call a sexist Masseuse?

A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

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Awful puns are jokes too.

I was telling my mate Edward that I couldn't stop referring to myself as male genetalia. He told me I could stop any time I wanted.

I said, "No, I'm a dick, Ted."

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

What does Africa hunger and a mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop either.

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road

one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it , but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone call...

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A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

Did You Ever Hear About Christopher, The Brown-Nosed Reindeer?

He could run just as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as quick...

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

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The guy who got a job at the pickle factory.

He came home from his first day and his wife asked him how it was. He said it was great, but he couldn't stop watching the pickle slicer. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't couldn't stop thinking about putting his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife thought that was a little bit weird.

Ti...

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.

Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

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So I met a girl at a bar and we ended up hooking up......

We were going at it hot and heavy and soon the pants came off. One look at her woman parts and I just couldn't stop myself. I blurted out "Damn you've got a huge pussy! Damn you've got a huge pussy!"

Shocked, she responded "Yeah, I have heard that, but you didn't have to say it twice."
...

Friend of mine just got his wife pregnant. Told him it reminded me of this joke.

This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in
love with this Greek guy and was determined to marry him.
Her mother tried hard to stop her, but when she knew she
couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But t...

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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

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A flash mob appears outside a police station, a man has killed 11 people!

A policeman hears a lot of noise coming from Infront of the station so he struts outside to check all the hastle. When he exits the door, an aggressive mob outside is screaming and shouting while pushing a person into the cops body.

"Alright, alright, what's going on here then?"

"Offic...

A naked girl walks into a bar.

The barman couldn't stop looking at her. She asked:

\- What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman in your life?

\- I have, but I just want to know where you'll take your money from when it's time to pay the drink!

Did you hear about the sick juggler?

He couldn't stop throwing up.

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Why was the Japanese man sad after the Journey concert?

He couldn't stop bereaving.

I was in psychology class yesterday...

and we couldn't stop laughing at how stupid Pavlov's dogs were.

Then the bell rang and we all had lunch

She Left Him

A man's wife left him because he couldn't stop counting.
She's not sure what he's up to now.

(Credit to Brian & Ron Boychuck)

Why did the cold war last so long?

The US couldn't stop Stalin.

Why was Adam so fat?

He couldn't stop eden.

A cardiologist in a small town died

He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his funeral. The doctor wanted to be cremated so there were a big red heart in one of the walls that open in half revealing a cremation oven behind and the casket was slowly entered into the oven through the open heart....

Why did the addict crash their car?

They just couldn't stop.

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I have two openings

Sorry for this but couldn't stop laughing....... Received a call from a recruitment consultant. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied: Yes I Know

There was a long silence and then she said: Asshole

I replied: I prefer the other one.

A Jewish man's son decides he is going to convert to Christianity....

The father is quite distressed about this, and decides to ask a Jewish friend of his for advice."It's funny you should come to me," his friend says, "because my son did the same thing, not even a month after moving out on his own. I was probably more upset than you seem to be, but I eventually reali...

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A rich man tells his wife at dinner he thinks the pool boy is gay.

She asks him why.

He says "I was laying by the pool today, and he couldn't stop looking at my erection."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to pick up his date...

A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system, in other words he couldn't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him. He f...

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