How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're pretty light.

What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

Where do you take a pie to find out how much it weighs?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

...weigh a pie.

I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.

How much does a Chinese dumpling weigh?

Wonton.

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

My friend and I have started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

How much do geniuses weigh?

Ein stein!

Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

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How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of shit.

What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women.

What’s heavier, 1 lb of rocks, or 1 lb of feathers?

The feathers, because you’re carrying the weight of what you did to those birds.

Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?

Meat.

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

What weighs 40lbs and didn't get plucked this year ?

Roy Orbison's Guitar

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?

Because there was a weigh in the manger.

What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh?

Won ton.

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

I hit a cat backing out of my driveway

I’m surprised I didn’t see it. It was bright yellow, 50 feet, and weighed 40 tons.

I found out what was weighing me down

Gravity

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

How do you weigh a whale?

At a whale weigh station.

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My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

742 Grains of Green Gram

A retired officer goes to a shop and asks the young shopkeeper, "Give me 742 grains of green gram."

The boy, without speaking a word, quickly weighs 200 grams of green gram and gives it to the customer.

Customer asks him, "Are there really 742 grains in this packing?"

Youngster ...

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

How do you weigh a millennial?

In instagrams.

Fishmonger job

I’ve just been offered a job as a fishmonger, but I’m not sure if I'll accept it or not.

I’ll need to weigh up the frozen prawns.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

How much does a pile of bones weigh?





It must weigh a skele-ton!

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

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That's my name!

Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at huge black man who says, "Before you ask me I'm 7ft tall 350llbs have a 20"willy and my balls weigh 3llbs each, Turner Brown. White man faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. Black man repeats his statistics and says my name's...

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The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces.

Doctor said I was a natural born liter.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

My wife just completed a 40 week bodybuilding program.

It's a girl and weighs 6lb 7oz!

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

What weighs more a tonne of bricks or a tonne of feathers

A tonne of feathers of course, ... Because you have to live with what you did to those chickens

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons?

A πton.

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can brea...

How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A man walks into a crowded bar on a Friday night, and there’s a big commotion going on

Curious, he walks into the crowd and tries to find what is so exciting. Looking up, he sees several pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. Even more curious now, but also rather thirsty, he works his way to the bar tender. The man asks the bartender, “Why are there pieces of meat hanging from the ...

A Spanish greengrocer is 1.74 meters tall, has a waist circumference of 105 centimeters, and wears a size of 44. What does he weigh?

Vegetables

Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.

Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, t...

How much does a satanist's soul weigh?

A pentagram.

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What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons

A fucking huge city devouring monster. Imagine walking around and seeing a 3 ton snake. Jesus fuck.

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

How much do s'mores weigh?

At least a couple grahams.

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.


This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish... A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.

Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.

One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded hi...

I feel like there is good pun potential...

in the intersection of weigh, way, and whey, but I can't quite get it to come out smoothie.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

An Old Man Goes to the Doctor

He brings his wife with him, and when the doctor asks why she's in the exam room too the wife replies that her husband is hard of hearing and she is there to help him understand.


The doctor says "Alright, sir. Please get on the scale." The man looks at his wife and she shouts "HE WANTS TO...

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A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones ?

Skele Tons

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, a...

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

How much does a skeleton weigh?

One skeleTON


I may have heard this before. Just call me out on where it’s been and I’ll take this down.

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

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