Weigh Jokes

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

At the whale weigh station.

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Light blue.

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Wonton.

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

Not much, they're actually pretty light.

Women

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I was like 0mg

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue... read more

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

Turns out it was pretty light

It's a small scale operation

1 stone

Won Ton

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad... read more

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain... read more

Black does. Gray is a little lighter.

Light blue

An improper fraction, but still, a fraction.

It turns out, it was pretty light.

Fish scales

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him.... read more

A Washington.

Ein stein!

They have built in scales

*a skeleton*

At least a couple grahams.

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ... read more

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas

In instagrams.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

A telegram.

Credits to my friend.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f... read more

Because it's lighter.

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.

... because I'm a mass murderer.

Because they come with their own scales.

-32768

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

I don’t know for sure, it’s Light!

Hahahaha as far as I am aware, I just created this joke and I could not be more proud of myself!!!!

A city slicker went to the countryside to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 20-pounder. The farmer picked out a pig, put its tail in his mouth, and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy…it was 30 pounds.

The city slic... read more

A pentagram.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

Depends on the scales.

One skeleTON


I may have heard this before. Just call me out on where it’s been and I’ll take this down.

Gravitationally speaking.

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

A crew-ton

Meat

I got her a weighing scale.

A sparrow with a machine gun

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're ... read more

Because the pros outweigh the cons

Meat

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

Snot much.

I don't care please just get out of my house!

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and... read more

A Soviet apple quartering machine.