UPJOKE

### Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

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### I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

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### The average horse weighs 1000lbs

The average horse weighs about 1000lbs
The average horse's cock is 20 inches
Thats a ratio of 50lbs per inch
Therefore, if a 200lb man has a 4 inch cock
He's technically hung like a horse

### My best friend and I just started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s ..a small scale operation.

### What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke

Won Ton

I was like, 0mg.

-32768

### Weigh station

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain...

### What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.

### What weighs more? A gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

Water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

### How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light.

### Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.

### How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.

### A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

### Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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### A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends \$15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

### What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

### My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

### A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

*a skeleton*

A Washington.

### What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes

### We sell piglets by weight and my wife has a unique way of weighing them.

She grasps their tail in her mouth, lifts them, proudly announcing their weight.
When checked on a scale, she's never wrong!
The other day a customer showed up and my wife was not around. "Where is your mother?" I asked my son, he replied "Oh she's in the house, weighing the mailman".

### I think I cracked the overweight problem

# I think I cracked the overweight problem

Last week I weighed 150 pounds, I felt so miserable and was loosing all hope for my future. I couldn't think of a way to get over the shame. Then it struck me and I figured out the ultimate way to get it over with. I immediately did what I had to do,...

### I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

### I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

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### In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

### Mr. Johnson went to his doctor's office to have a physical exam done. The nurse asked, "How tall are you?"

"I'm about six foot two," said Mr. Johnson. The nurse measured him and found that he was only five foot six.

"How much do you weigh?" asked the nurse.

"Around 150 pounds." The nurse weighed him and found that he weighed 200 pounds.

Then she took his blood pressure. "Your blood p...

### How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

\- Light blue.

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### Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

Ein stein!

### A guy and a girl go on a first date.

They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed. He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a st...

### I've got a mate who weighs 110kg and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

### What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

### The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.

Meat.

### Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

### The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

### What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

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### A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

Women.

### A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

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### The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

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### How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of shit.

### Bar Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to ...

### Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.

### A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"

### I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it

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### Disturbance

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an esca...

### I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

Meat

### A woman and her neighbour go to the police station to report the woman's missing husband.

"About six foot three," replies the woman.

"SIX FOOT THREE!" shouts the neighbour. "Your husband is barely taller than you are!"

"ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY P...

### How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

### How do you weigh a whale?

At a whale weigh station.

In instagrams.

### A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

### What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

### What weighs less, an empty regular size bic or a full small bic?

See, you’d think it’s the empty regular sized one, but the small one is a little lighter

### My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

### Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

### Why do all vegetables sink when thrown in water?

The wheelchair weighs them down

### An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

### Yo mama so fat…

If she were a dancer, she’d be on Broad-weigh.

### How did Mary know that Jesus weighed 7 lbs 6 oz?

Because there was a weigh in the manger.

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### A man has spent well over an hour at the sex shop comparing...

the various butt plugs for sale. Each one he would pick, look at with a discerning eye, and weigh it with his hands before moving on to the next one.

"Ah, he's shopping for someone special," the salesperson thought. "Probably an anniversary gift for his lover."

Finally, the man makes h...

### Have you heard of the Michael Jackson diet?

You just have to start with the man in the mirror, and ask him to change his weighs.

### Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

### What weighs 40lbs and didn't get plucked this year ?

Roy Orbison's Guitar

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### My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

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### The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and \$8 million later, t...

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### The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

### What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

### How much do s'mores weigh?

At least a couple grahams.

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### What do we do with this baby?

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head...

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### The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

### [NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

A pentagram.

A crew-ton

### Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

### Why is the best diet, is to be in prison ?

Because you'll never get a weigh.

### After Quasimodo's death…

…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their s...

### I want to weigh the pros and cons of becoming a veterinarian,

On one hand you get bitten a lot
And on the other hand you get bitten less.

This is my first joke submission, I do like a good groaner.

Vegetables

### A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

Hamilton

### How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy

### When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces.

Doctor said I was a natural born liter.

### A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware