UPJOKE
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What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
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Where do you weigh Whales?

At the whale weigh station.
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What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
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What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.
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How do you weigh a chilli pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
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What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

The gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.


^obligatory ^not ^my ^joke
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How much do Chinese dumplings weigh?

Wonton.
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What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.
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What unit of measurement do you use to weigh bones?

Skele tons!
Stay spooky my dudes
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How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they're actually pretty light.
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What gets easier to pick up, the more it weighs?

Women
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I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I was like 0mg
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...
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I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it
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How much do you weigh, dad?

Dad: 80 kg. with my glasses on.
Child: How much do you weigh without your glasses?
Dad: I don't know. I can't see.
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Today I successfully weighed a rainbow

Turns out it was pretty light
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My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation
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How much does Dwayne Johnson weigh?

1 stone
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How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh?

Won Ton
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[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad...
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What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.
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Weigh station

Once there was a British family that was touring the U.S.A. They were driving on the highway and and saw a sign for a stop! So the mother pulls down the road to a rather peculiar place, and stops when they find themselves on a peculiar looking pad.

A man walk out of the building and explain...
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What weighs more, black or gray?

Black does. Gray is a little lighter.
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What weighs less than the color blue?

Light blue
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I now weigh a fraction of what I did in high school.

An improper fraction, but still, a fraction.
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My son and I did a science experiment for the end of the school year. We attempted to weigh a rainbow.

It turns out, it was pretty light.
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How do you weigh your seafood?

Fish scales
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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

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The average stripper weighs 112lbs

According to one pole.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....
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How much does the combined laundry of everyone in the White House weigh?

A Washington.
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How much do geniuses weigh?

Ein stein!
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Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales
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I told my wife that I find out every morning how much my poop weighs.

She asked if I weighed myself before and after pooping. I thought for a second and I told her that her way is a lot cleaner than what I have been doing.

How much does a dead man weigh?

*a skeleton*
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How much do s'mores weigh?

At least a couple grahams.
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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...
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The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas
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How do you weigh a millennial?

In instagrams.
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How does one most accurately weigh themselves?

When they aren't full of shit.

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.
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How much does a text message weigh?

A telegram.

Credits to my friend.
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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...
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Why does a fully decorated Christmas tree weigh less than a non decorated one?

Because it's lighter.
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I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.
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I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.
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Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.
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What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768
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What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.
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How much does a Rainbow weigh?

I don’t know for sure, it’s Light!

Hahahaha as far as I am aware, I just created this joke and I could not be more proud of myself!!!!
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No Weigh

A city slicker went to the countryside to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 20-pounder. The farmer picked out a pig, put its tail in his mouth, and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy…it was 30 pounds.

The city slic...
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How much does a satanist's soul weigh?

A pentagram.
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I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."
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A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"
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How much does a lizard weigh?

Depends on the scales.
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

How much does a skeleton weigh?

One skeleTON


I may have heard this before. Just call me out on where it’s been and I’ll take this down.
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The more you weigh, the more attractive you are.

Gravitationally speaking.
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How much does a polar bear weigh?

Enough to break the ice. Hi my name's Andy
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What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.
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The human soul weighs 1.2lbs...

I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into work.
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton
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A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat
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My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.
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What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun
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2 hunters are lost in the woods...

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're ...
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Why do paid athletes weigh more than felons?

Because the pros outweigh the cons
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A butcher is 6ft tall, and wears size 10 shoes, what does he weigh?

Meat
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For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.
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How much does the average booger weigh?

Snot much.
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A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...
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What weighs 10 tons, consumes 20 liters of diesel per hour and splits apples into three parts?

A Soviet apple quartering machine.
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