UPJOKE
contemplatecogitatemeditatewonderconsidermullruminateexplainspeculatemusereflectchew overmull overthink overthink

What question does a pencil ponder on?

2B or not 2B

A Pondering thought on Shrek

Do you think Shrek ever told fiona that he was head ogre heels for her?

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A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

A man asked his fiancé, "how many guys have you slept with?".

The woman looked away to ponder for a few seconds, and then she looked back at him with a smile.

"Oh honey. You're the only man I ever slept with." She replied.

"Really?"

"Yes really. Everybody else kept me up all night."

A horse walks into a bar.......

The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"


The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.


You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could ha...

My buddy said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

I threw a brick in the air and pondered what would happen...

... and then it hit me.

I went to Germany, stood outside a famous baroque composer’s house, and pondered the meaning of life.

That’s what you call thinking outside the Bach’s.

Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under an apple tree pondering as to why things always fell to the ground…

And then it hit him.

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

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Ponderisms:

Can you cry under water?







How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?







Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra p...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

A Rabbi and his friend, a Catholic priest, were having a discussion

when the rabbi asked "Could you ever be promoted withing your church?"

The priest responded, "Well, one day, I hope to become a bishop."

The rabbi asked, "And then?"

The priest though for a second and responded, "Well, then I might become a cardinal."

The rabbi again aske...

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A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If y...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

I've always pondered about the spelling of "and" in Spanish.

Like... Just y?

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender looks them over and says: “You three want drinks?”

The first logician ponders a second and says “I don’t know.”

The second logician similarly ponders and says “I don’t know.”

Hearing this the third breaks out in a big smile and says “Well, apparently we do!”

Two friends named Michael and Ron were hanging out, pondering about things, while having a smoke..

Michael: Hey, Ron.. can I ask you something?!

Ron: Yeah, sure. Go on.

Michael: Do you think there's such a thing as a dumb question?

Ron: No.. that's just a stupid thing to ask!

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met. [NSFW]

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"5,000$" she replies.

"5,000$?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

A mad scientist was pondering over a mirror one night

His concerned wife asked him what he was up to. He said he discovered something amazing and could not figure out how it worked. Curious, she asked him about what he discovered. He replied “When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs”.

I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.

Then it hit me.

As I laid in bed looking up at the night sky, I pondered to myself...

What the hell happened to my roof?

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

A man gazes out his window, pondering the mysteries of life...

Because his phone ran out of battery.

I was pondering life with the cat wizard...

Then he said something that gave me paws.

Did you hear about the detective who dropped his tablet while pondering the case?

It's fine, he had only scratched the Surface.

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

Two postmodernist academics stumble across an antique oil lamp.

(OC)

One of them sees a little grime and rubs it off. Suddenly, a glorious genie springs forth from the lamp.

“I am the great genie of the lamp! Since I see you are insufferable postmodernist academics, I will grant you each one META-wish.”

The first academic ponders for a mome...

A guy walks in a small town grocery store

He proceeds to ask the seller:

"Do you have camembert cheese?"

To which the seller asks:

"What is camembert cheese? Never heard of it before."

Arrogantly, our guy says:

"Well, it's a soft cheese with white mould on top, it's a delicacy."

Seller ponders a bit...

Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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I asked this nice girl a question the other day.

She was pretty, young, blond, had big tits and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really".

So I ordered the seven inch pizza instead.

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

My wife is pregnant and her doctor asked me if I have ever been present at a childbirth before. I said, “Yes, just once.” Chuckling, he asked, “What was it like?” I pondered...

“Well, it was dark at first, then suddenly, very bright.”

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Harold in the Nursing Home. This is my grandma's favourite joke.

Disclaimer: I just heard this joke today, so I apologize if this is old news for some of you.


Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One even...

A 70 year old man wants to marry a 25 year old woman.

His lawyer is trying to talk him out of it.
After an hour of arguing with his client for the lawyer says, “Do whatever you want, but I warn you, these May/December weddings often end in death!”

That stops the older man for a second. He stops, ponders, and finally says, “Well - If she dies...

A golfer went to a fortuneteller

He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination." ...

A physicist, a statistician, and an accountant all apply for the same position...

The interviewers first call in the physicist. "We have only one question," they tell him. "What is 500 plus 500?" The physicist, without hesitation, says "1000."
The committee sends him out and calls in the statistician. When the statistician comes in, they ask the same question. The statisticia...

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

A man sees a boy at the park eating an apple and seperating all of the apple seeds into a pile of individual seeds. The curious man walks up to the boy and asks..

Man: hi there, why are you seperating all of the apple seeds?

Boy:it's been proven that apple seeds will make you incredibly smarter, so I intend to sell these.

Man: how much?

Boy: $100 per seed

Man: fine, i'll take three

The man pays the boy, eats the seeds and st...

A wealthy man walks into a bar...

*I've seen a joke here about a man with* ***a head the size of an orange*** *which is an absurdist response to an old dirty joke. I'm not sure everyone knows the original. I'll put the anti-joke version in the comments.*

\--------------

A wealthy man walks into a bar. He is clearly ric...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

"Yes, you're free now"

I'm walking down the street in New York City when a black guy walking by me stops and ask, "Hey, did the Yankees win?". I ponder for a second then respond, "Yes, you're free now" and continue on my way.

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast

**A young man with a few hours** to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the youn...

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."

The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why...

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Three explorers are trekking through the Amazon....

One explorer is from England.

One is from France.

One is from New York.

As they're pushing through the jungle a local tribe ambushes and captures them. The tribe takes them back to their village to await trial by the Chief.

The Chief presents himself to the explorers:
...

How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

You take the F out of way.


*pause to let them ponder*


... there is no F in way...

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

Ponce de Leon began his journey to find the Fountain Of Youth

"But captain," a crewmate said. "Are you sure the fountain even exists?"

"Hmm," Ponce pondered. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this trip would be a waste of time."

"So, are we going back?" The crewmate asked.

"No, we're not going home empty handed," Ponce replied.

"So, wha...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to

sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a ...

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

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Rabbit Hunting

A man out walking with his dog is amazed to see his doctor down on all fours with his finger halfway down a rabbit hole.
As he continues to watch, the doctor withdraws his hand and a moment later a rabbit pops his head out. The doctor knocks it out and puts it in his bag. After watching him catch...

There were three guys in a jeep in a desert when the jeep broke down.

Each guy could only grab one thing, they all ponder for a minute and then the first guy has an idea.

He grabbed a bottle of water and said “if I get thirsty then I can drink water”

The second guy grabbed a map and said “This way I won’t get lost”.

The third guy ripped off the c...

A man asks a geologist for help.

The geologist says: "Well, now, I just don't give anyone help for free."

The man replies: "That's fine, I can pay. How much do you want?"

The geologist pondered this for a moment, before saying: "A dolomite do it."

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

An unsuccessful missionary

A missionary is sent to a remote tribe and spends months at their community with little to no success in convincing the people to convert. On one evening, after yet another fruitless day of proselytizing, he sits frustrated in his hut when the chieftain visits him.

'Y'know, I'm sure you mean ...

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wea...

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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A Syrian kid in France.

A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France. On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your n...

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy p...

A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...

Sherlock Holmes arrives back at Baker Street as Watson is heading out of the door.

"Where are you off to Watson?"

"Oh, I've got a date with Ella from down the road. She left me a note for where to meet." Says Watson, "see you in a few hours!" and he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

30 minutes later, Watson returns.

Sherlock is sitting in his chair, smok...

A Chinese man and a Jewish man were conversing . . .

The Chinese man was proudly explaining the antiquity of his heritage. “We trace our history continuously through many dynasties and cultural periods way back to over 3,500 years ago!”
The Jewish man respectfully replied , “That is very impressive, indeed, but our history began over 6,000 yea...

Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.

One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes.

“Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.”

“I can certainly try, for my best fr...

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

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There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up

The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them.
I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You shoul...

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to m...

An Irishman goes to buy some wellies

The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

A geologist, physicist and an economist are marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat.

A can of soup washes ashore. They ponder how to open it. The geologist says, ‘Let’s smash it open with a rock.’ The physicist says, ‘Let’s heat it up and blow it open.’ The economist says, ‘No, no. You guys will lose most of the soup. Let’s just assume we have a can opener.’

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...

...so she decides to test them.

First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".

The next...

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A guy walks up to a bartender with $10,000 in cash.

He says, "Hey bartender, I've got a bet for you. I bet you this ten grand that you can put this shot glass at the other end of the bar, and I can piss in it from over here without spilling a single drop."

The bartender ponders and ponders, and finally decides this is iron clad. No way he can ...

A Joke for Three Kings Day

Three Kings Day is tomorrow, and I have a joke that I think is fun! Here is the joke:

Three kings are sitting, pondering in an empty room. One then springs up and says:
"I have an Epiphany!"

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, " you're in here alot, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse ponders for a moment and responds " I don't think I am" and poof he disappears.

This is where philosophy students begin to snicker because they are familiar with Descartes postulate,
" I think therefore I ...

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.

The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he ...

Satan goes to church

It was a beautiful summer Sunday in a small southern church, songs had been sung, and the preacher was about to begin his sermon. There was suddenly a loud boom of thunder, and in a bright flash and smell of burning brimstone, Satan appeared at the pulpit. It terrified the congregation, and they beg...

A Pirate captain sits behind on the deck of his ship (long)

From the nest he hears "Captain, a navy ship is approaching!"

"Just one?" he responds?

"Yessir, Just the one!" He ponders this for a second.

"Alright, someone get me my red shirt!" So someone scurries off and grabs the red shirt and the captain puts it on. The navy ship approac...

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Doctor!

A worried nurse rushes into the Doctor's office and tells him
"Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who says he hasn't pooped in 12 years! Do you think he's telling the truth?"

The doctor ponders a moment and says " Send him back and I'll check him out. One thing is for certain, ei...

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Elderly couple getting married

An elderly couple had been going out for some time and decided to get married.

Prior to the big day, the woman asks the gent "What about sex?"

He quickly responds, "Infrequently."

She ponders and then asks, "Is that one word or two?"

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do in the evening?

Stays up all night pondering if there really is a Dog...

One day a young Buddhist on his journey

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher ...

A 10-year old boy heard some screaming and rustling coming from his parent's room...

Thinking there is something wrong, he rushes in and sees his dad sweating and panting, and his mom turning red with embarrassment.
"What are you doing?" Asked the boy.
"Playing poker." Replied the dad.
"Oh, but what's mom doing here?"
The dad thinks about it, and replies, "she's my wild...

A man finds a genie

The genie says " I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you receive, your ex wife will get twice as much"
"That's alright" says the man. "I want 10 Million Dollars" the man says. "Ok, now your ex wife has 20 million". "I want a mansion." "Ok now your ex wife has two mansions."
"What will...

Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

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A young boy walks into a Brothel dragging a dead frog on a string behind him...

He approaches the Madam of the Brothel and promptly asks for a girl. The woman looks him over and says "I can't do that for a boy of your age". The boy drops a wad of cash in front of her and repeats his request. The madam ponders, and then tells him "alright, first door on the left". Before the boy...

A Man wonders, if he died before his wife...

A husband, seeing his wife prepare her will says, "If you died before me, I cannot imagine dating again. It would take me months or years to even begin to consider someone else. How long would you wait?"

She ponders the question and replies, "Well, honey, that depends on who shows up at the f...

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A shipwrecker was swimming in the sea with his last ounce of strength, when he saw an island.

He rejoiced and started to swim towards the shore, when suddenly, he felt something squeeze him hard by the balls.

An unknown creature appeared below the surface of the water. Surprisingly, it spoke with a deep voice:
"Plus two or minus two?"
He was puzzled, but he wanted to get t...

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.

"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"

The husband eyes the mag...

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Life lessons,truly

A boy and his daddy are driving down an old country road. The boy looks out the window of the truck and sees 2 dogs getting it on on the side of the road. He turns, and looks at his father and asks "Dad,what's all that about?"
His father thinks quickly,then replies
"Well, son that right the...

So, Moses and Jesus are playing golf ...

One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, th...

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A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

My wife scolded me about how much I drink..

She says... For God sakes! You ever imagine the damage you're doing to your health? Not to mention all the money you've spent? How much money do you think you've spent so far?

I say... Idk.. hic..

She says: how much is a bottle of Jack Honey?

I reply: idk... like $24...

A man goes to God and asks him a question.

A man found God and decided to ask him a question; he looks up at God and asks, "God, I was wondering what does a million years feel like to you?"

God looks down and smiles at the man and replies; "a million years is only a second to me."

The man ponders Gods answer for a minute then...

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A guy is walking along the beach minding his own business

When he encounters a crying woman with no arms or legs.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over and asks her why she's crying.

"I've never been hugged", responds the woman.

The man ponders for a bit and says "fuck it" and he picks her up, hugs her, sets her down and...

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

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A Rabbit and a Bear Are Chilling in the Woods Together

Suddenly a genie appears before them and says "I am a magic genie, and I will grant each of you 3 wishes. But choose carefully, because once I grant a wish it cannot be undone"

Rabbit and Bear ponder this for a moment before Bear speaks up to make his first wish.

Bear, being very lustf...

Please use the ice tongs.

A young woman sits at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender grabs a glass, grabs a handful of ice and makes the drink. She says, "Ew I'm not drinking that! You touched the ice with your hands! Use the ice tongs!"

"Lady, my hands are in water all day and they are clean." "I don't care! Use...

A kid once asked his mother why his father was bald.

His mother replied, “Well, that’s cause your Dad thinks a lot!”

She smiled, pleased with the answer she had come up with.

The kid pondered this for a moment, then inquired, “Then why do you have so many hairs on your head?”

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the poi...

Jessica and Katie were sitting and chatting on Katie's porch one Friday afternoon...

Jessica looks down the road and can see Katie's husband headed their way, with a large bouquet of roses. Jessica says, "Katie, here comes your husband! And he's got a bunch of roses!" Katie responds, "Yeah, nice", unenthusiastically. Jessica is confused, she says, "I don't understand. Isn't getting ...

A wealthy Saudi man comes home one day and finds his two wives fighting about which one he loves more.

As he tries to reassure both of them that he cares for them equally, one asks “if we were all out on your yacht and it started sinking, and you could only save one of us, which would you save?”

The man ponders for a moment, turns to the other wife, takes her hands in his, and says “my dearest...

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, “welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life’s mysteries that you desire.”

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he ...

It's farmers Wilma and Henry's 60th wedding anniversary and Henry would like to "do it" once again.

Like when they were young, beautiful and wild, in the farm yard, against the fence, under the caresses of the sun and the fresh breeze.

Wilma ponders a moment and then agrees and so they go, and begin, and quickly Wilma goes off like a rocket. They make love like crazy and when they're done, ...

A man decides to open up a business...

Sadly, he is located right between two other shops in the same line of business he wishes to enter. To his left, a large sign reads "Smith and Co.", to his right theres "Winstons Finest". So, after a bit of pondering, he decides to name his shop "Main Entrance"

An Old Man Came Home

An old man came home and his door bell was removed. After standing there for 10 minutes pondering he said "something seems off but I can't put a finger on it

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A man goes to his village medicine man and requests a colonic for his constipation.

The medicine man ponders for a moment and says, “Let’s try something else first.” He opens a jar and pulls out a dried out fern. He places the fern into a cup of hot water and waits as it brews. “Here, take a sip.” The man does as he is told. Suddenly, his eyes rolls back in his head, followed by th...

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Little Johnny

So one day little Johnny is pulling his wagon up this long steep hill. Along the way he is just a swearing and a cussing. A priest walks by and hears little Johnny so goes up to him and says, "little Johnny you should not speak that way, god is everywhere and can hear you." So little Johnny ponders ...

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A young tribal boy asks the village chief:

“How did Howling Moon receive her name?”

*Ah,* answers the chief. “As her mother went into labor there was a lone wolf howling into the moon!”

The boy ponders and asks, “What about Jumping Brook? How was he named?”

“Oh yes,” answered the Chief. “On the morning of his birth we wa...

Once, there was a snake named Nathan...

All of his friends, however, called him Nate.
One day, Nate was slithering along the middle of the road, when he came across a large lever, placed directly in the middle of the road.
On this large lever, someone had placed a sign that read, “Do Not Pull Lever: THE WORLD WILL END!!!”
As Nate...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that all blonds are dumb...

A researcher sets out to disprove the stereotype that blonds are dumb. So, he calls a meeting with all the blonds in the town to disprove this stereotype once and for all.

The researcher gathers alls the blonds in an auditorium and announces his plan to the crowd.

"To disprove the st...

A man suddenly awakens remembering nothing of his past

Suddenly a genie exclaims: what is your third and final wish?

The man ponders for a minute before replying: I would like to remember that which I have forgotten.

The genie grins and states: interesting, that was also your first wish.

My wife left for a business trip one morning.

And later that day our dog died. That evening, she called and asked how everything was and I told her, "The dog died!"

 

Crying into the phone she sobbed, "You could've broken the news to me gently!"

 

I asked her, "What should I have told you instead?"<...

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

How do you know you are old

A little boy looking very distraught asked his grandpa "How do i know when I'm old"? The old man sat in his chair for a moment, pondering the child's question. Finally he answered "Son, you know when your old when you have to force a cough to fart". The little boy sat looking puzzled. "But.. that do...

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