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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

What do you use all the time but rarely look at?

Your drivers license

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Two Bulgarians are driving in a car. A policemen stops them: "we're looking for two pedophiles". The Bulgarians look at each other, and look back at the policeman:

"Okay, we'll do it!"

“Just look at that couple down the road,” a wife told her husband. “He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her. Why can’t you do that?”

“Are you insane?” he responded. “I barely know the woman!”

So I heard there's a group of optometrists who founded a colony on an archipelago off the coast of Alaska, but the islands themselves are very weird to look at.

They're called the Optical Aleutians.

How do you look at your own backside?

Using a rear-view mirror.

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

What will happen if Medusa look at Dwayne Johnson?

Nothing.

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I don't look at my wife's face while having sex

I did once and her face looked very angry. She was looking me through the window.

After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I’m

Out Of Jail, I Can Honestly Say It Was Worth It!

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"Honey, why does my dick get hard when I look at myself in the mirror?" A husband asked his wife.

The wife replied, "Because, even your dick knows you're a pussy."

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Do men look at their wives' faces during sex?

I did it once. She looked very angry while she was watching from the window. I would not recommend it.

Why did the capillary love to look at himself in the mirror?

He was a little vein

I was out shopping with the wife when we came across a group of young ladies wearing mini skirts. I said, “ooh look at them legs! I bet you had legs like them.”

She didn’t answer but I think she was upset since I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp to Walmart.

I think I'm finally ready to admit I'm addicted to looking at myself in the mirror.

I need to take a long hard look at myself.

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

A blonde and a brunette are walking through the park when the brunette says, "Aww, look at that dead birdie."

The blonde looks up and says, "Where?"

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They told me to look at my girlfriend's face during sex for more intimacy.

Weird how it didn't go well. She looked quite angry watching me from the window.

What do you call a website where you pay to look at pictures of Spanish desserts?

OnlyFlans

When I was younger, I promised myself that I wouldn’t become one of those people who starves for attention and tries to get everyone to look at them but

Look at me now!

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Never look at your wife's face while having sex

I did once and she seemed so angry. I could tell the other woman was having fun though.

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog.
The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.
Still not ha...

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

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Men look at sex like parking a car

There’s a spot. Look there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind.

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end. I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.

As she flew out of the plane.

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

A relationship should be 50/50. She eats her dinner while I look at her. Then I eat my dinner while she looks at me.

We both have only one pair of dentures.

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there; he's not misbehaving."

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then!"

Don't you just hate it when someone asks you to "do something funny" and you are just standing awkwardly trying to think of an appropriate joke while more and more people start to look at you? No? Just me? Okay.

Person 1: I just got 3 strikes in bowling!
Person 2: I got three strikes in baseball...

Person 1: I got "nothing but net" in basketball
Person 2: I got "nothing but net" in volleyball...

Person 1: I just hit someone in the stomach in dodgeball!
Person 2: I just hit someo...

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

My girlfriend said to me, "Look at me, I'm getting fat"

I told her "Don't be silly... You've always been fat"

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My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately."

A Yorkshireman walks in to a vet and says "Ay up, can tha tek a look at our cat? It's not bin it's sen lately." 'Sure.' says the vet. 'First things first, Is it a Tom?' "Nah" he replies "I've got it 'ere wi me"

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. It’s so dark he can't see anything so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You m...

I asked my friend if he could look at something for me

Then he said "I can't. I'm blind."

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My 6 year old and I were at the store and he saw a woman with large breasts and he yelled “Dad, look at those big boobies!!” I whispered to him, “It’s not polite to say boobies, it might embarrass her”.

He thought for a minute and yelled “Dad, look at those chest cheeks!!”

(True story, that’s my boy)

"Look at this!" I said to my roommate

"What happened?" he replied

"Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eighth plants are growing very healthily, but the other four are getting dry, even though I treated them the same!" I said

"Huh, weird!" he responded "water the odds!"

Look at the mirror you will find the best joke on here

im hiding my own shame

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I went to my doctor to have him look at some strange spots on my arse. I pulled my pants down, he took a look and responded..

Weird flecks; butt ok.

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

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Little Johnny’s parents told him never to look at nude women, or he’d become a statue

Johnny remembered this for all his childhood, and even as a teenager. One day, Johnny and his friend, Will were at the beach. Will then pointed out an attractive voluptuous woman sunbathing in the nude. Will kept staring, but Johnny ran away.

‘Johnny!’ called Will ‘What’s the matter? Didn’t y...

If you look at the word "nun"....

you´ll see it´s just the letter n doing a forward roll

Look at that drunk!!

Wife: Look at drunk guy!
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: Oh my god! He's still celebrating...

Me: Wow look at that rock

Her: Boulder

Me: **𝗪𝗼𝘄 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗸**

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat

and feel the need to roast me.

Why did everyone look at the cashew?

Because it went nuts.

"Ahah, look at those italians and their gesticulating, they are ridiculous."

"George, those folks are deaf."

Why are blind pianists so good if they can't look at the keys?

You don't have to C, you just have to B#

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look...

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends seem to get offended.

Relationships are like algebra: You look at your X and wonder Y

Relationships are like algebra:


You look at your X and wonder Y

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