Look At Jokes - 44 Hilarious Look At Jokes

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I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

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A man goes down to a ranch to look at a horse

The rancher brings out a beautiful mare.

"Can I see her teeth?" The man asks nicely.

"Sure thing!" Says the rancher and opens her lips to show off her perfect teeth.

"Bautiful! Can I see her tail and hooves?" The man asks.

"By all means, partner!" Replied the rancher an...

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate

is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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“Do you look at your wife’s face when you are having sex?”

“I did once and she looked really angry.”

“Why angry?”

“Because she was watching from the window!”

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My wife just said to me, "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me."

I said, "It's a fucking scarf."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

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Most women I know look at sex like driving a car.

“Is it safe? Is it reliable? Could it kill me?”

But most men I know look at sex like *parking* a car.

“There’s a spot…there’s another spot. Oh, I have to pay? Never mind. Handicapped? I hope no one sees *this*!”

When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe

As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look...

My wife asked me today why I always look at her funny

I told her it was her fault for marrying someone so funny lookin.

My wife told me I should look at things from her point of view.

So I stared out of the kitchen window.

A man shouts to his wife, "Come here and look at my clock"...

She walks in to find him naked with a hard on...

She says, "That's not a clock"...

He says, "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it"...

I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now.

Actually, please don't.

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If I had a nickel for every time someone said "look at that asshole!"

I'd have enough money to patch up that hole in my pants.

What do you use all the time but rarely look at?

Your drivers license

How do you look at your own backside?

Using a rear-view mirror.

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

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Two Bulgarians are driving in a car. A policemen stops them: "we're looking for two pedophiles". The Bulgarians look at each other, and look back at the policeman:

"Okay, we'll do it!"

How to look at life positively

|life|

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

If you look at the word "nun"....

you´ll see it´s just the letter n doing a forward roll

Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children...

Old girlfriends seem to get offended.

I was told i could look at an eclipse with a colander.

I tried it and it just strained my eyes.

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Your tongue knows exactly how everything you look at will feel.

Try it! Look at the table leg, you know what it will feel like if you lick it.Imagine kicking a football. Or the couch. Whether you have or haven't actually licked these things, when you imagine it, your tongue knows. it KNOWS!

Look at that drunk!!

Wife: Look at drunk guy!
Husband: Who is he?
Wife: 10 years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband: Oh my god! He's still celebrating...

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A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.

He did this several times.

Finally, the bartender asks, "After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?"

The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

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A bartender said loudly, "Look at this fine piece of shit that just rolled in."

"Thank you," replied the dung beetle.

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Never look at your wife's face while having sex

I did once and she seemed so angry. I could tell the other woman was having fun though.

When you look at someone through rose coloured glasses

All the red flags just look like... well, flags...

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Two altar boys catch a fish. One says, “look at this huge dam fish!”

The second altar boy says, “You shouldn’t swear like that! You’re an altar boy.”

The first says, “I wasn’t swearing. A dam fish is a type of fish that lives near a dam.”

The second altar boy says, “Oh, cool. That IS a huge dam fish! Let’s go show the priest!” So they run off.

W...

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

If you want to know if a girl is into you, look at her feet.

If they point away from you she's not interested, if they're behind her ears she's very interested.

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