Musings

Deep in thought, Melody turns to her husband and says. "If I were to die, would you remarry?" "I'm still a young man" states the husband. "After an appropriate mourning period, yes I think I would". "Would she sleep in my bed?" Melody mused. "I suppose so, after all, it is mine as well". "Would...

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

A drunk in a bar is unloading on the bartender.

"For 20 long and wonderful years," mused the gent at the bar, "my wife and I were deliriously happy."

"Then what happened?" asked the bartender.

"We met."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"You know, music can really take you places," he muses to the bartender. "For example, if you guys play one more rap song in here it's going to take me to the next bar."

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

A young man goes into a confessional booth and confesses to the priest that he used the Lord's name in vain.

"Tell me what happened my child, so we may begin the path of forgiveness." Said the priest behind the curtain.

"I was golfing," began the man. "And my first shot went deep into the rough."

"Ah, and that is where you misused the Lord's name is it?" Replied the priest.

"No father,...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

R/jokes

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no,"...

Hans Olaffsen

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the s...

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Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse

They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'

A biologist, a sociologist, and a mathematician are all sitting at a bench on a college campus...

They watch as two people enter a building...and then three people leave.

"They're reproduced!" declares the biologist.

"They've accepted a third person into their social circle!" asserts the sociologist.

"If one more person goes into that building," muses the mathematician, "it'...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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I had to go to the doctor's the other day, for a full examination.

While I was naked, he remarked how much my genitalia resembled a saxophone. I told him it was a family trait, we all had private parts that looked like musical instruments.


"Most remarkable" he mused, " I can't remember seeing anything like it in 30 years, apart from that one lady who's...

I found this in an Indonesian book, and could not find it anywhere else: The man, the pastor, and the chicken

A man came to the church and met the Pastor. "Pastor, I confess," he says.

"At last!" exclaims the Pastor. "Finally you repent too!"

"Listen, Pastor, I have stolen a chicken from someone's field"

"My my, that definitely is a sin."

"If I gave away the chicken to the church...

What do the Knights of Cydonia eat for breakfast?

Museli

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

A man visits a zoo

A man visits a zoo and asks to speak to the director about the new "Rent-an-Animal" program. The zoo has fallen on hard times financially, so they decided to rent some of their animals outside the usual visitation hours. Usually its the small, cuddly ones, but this man asks for one of the elephants....

A bakery owner hires a young, attractive female clerk ...

...who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and spots the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, pl...

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A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell...

The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:

"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."

His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:

"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"

The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinni...

Jewish Bra

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a J...

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Smoking Grannies

Two old ladies are waiting at a bus stop, while smoking. All of a sudden it starts to rain, so the first old lady tosses her cigarette into the trash. The second lady, however, keeps smoking. She reaches into her purse, pulls out a condom, opens the package, and just slips it onto her cigarette a...

Two engineers are meeting for lunch

Two engineers are meeting for lunch. The second arrives on a bicycle that the first doesn't recognize.

"Where did you get the bike? " the first asks.

The second explained, "It was the weirdest thing. I was walking over here when a beautiful woman rode up on the bike, hopped off, tore o...

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An engineer, mathematician, and a programmer are trapped in another dimension

Suddenly before their eyes, the devil materializes.

"Escape from here is impossible without help from a higher power. I'll give you three wishes to escape. If you are still here, I can claim your soul."

"I wish to leave," said the engineer.

And so he disappeared, but a piercing ...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

discussing which people are their favorite to operate on.

The first surgeon looks at the other two, and tells them that his favorite patients are librarians. The other two then ask him why.

"Well," he begins, "I like librarians, because their insides are always filed away in alphabeti...

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Long walk, short piss

A gentleman, who had been in the bar for some time, approaches the bartender.

“Hey barkeep,” the man said, “are you a betting man?”
“What barman isn’t?”
“I’ll bet you five bucks that I can bite my own elbow,” the customer posed.
“Well if you can, I’d pay five to see it.” The barten...

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The ambidextreous Golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I...

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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

Leaving a tip

A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".

The old man turns around, c...

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Getting Lost (NSFW)

A journalist is working on his latest assignment for work. His latest assignment is meant to be a "human interest/daily life" piece. Being from Kentucky, he figured it'd be as good a place as any to start. His documentation leads him throughout the state, gathering various stories for his piece.
...

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

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A man dies and goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to hell and there he meets Satan. Satan says "we have three rooms in which people will have to spend eternity, but you get to choose which one".

So the man opens the first door, and he sees people screaming in agony, being burned for all eternity. "Nope, not that one", he...

I've been wanting to start an alt-rock group

But I just can't seem to find my muse

A blonde, brunette and redhead are at a doctor's office for their first sonograms.

The brunette says "I just know I'm going to be having a boy, I was on top." The redhead muses "Oh, then I guess I'm having a girl since I was on the bottom!" It was at that moment the blonde began to cry hysterically. The other two came closer, put their arms around her and tried to comfort her when...

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