What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

What do you call a laptop that sings?

ADell

What do you call a pachyderm who sings jazz?

Ella Fantzgerald

My Friend Asked Me to Stop Singing “I’m a Believer”. I Thought She Was Joking...

But then I saw her face

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

What do you call someone who can sing but not talk?

A mutesician.

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

What mumble rap group was also famous for their singing?

The Do-Re-Migos

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

Did you hear about the singing pirate that had a cataract?

After the surgery, he shall see, shan't he?

Tell me your name and I guarantee you I can sing you a song with your name in it

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear _____, happy birthday to you.

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singing Issues...

Last time I tried to sing my voice was a little hoarse. So I yelled hiyaa ,giddyup and it quickly galloped away

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time

I said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Singing Asshole

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a hidden talent.

Guy- "I can sing out of my asshole"

Bartender- "that's impossible"

Guy- "How about a bet? If I can sing out of my asshole you give me free drinks all night".

The bartender agrees to the bet. The guy proc...

Singing in the shower is fun until you get shampoo in your mouth

then it turns into a soap opera.

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

Where do music loving cats go to for vacation

Sing-a-purr
(I know it’s cheap, I’ll see myself out)

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?

I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

My wife is in the house singing.

I’m sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

Nothing beats a girl with a great singing voice

Except Chris Brown

What is a group of singing terrorists called?

a taliband

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

What do you call a piece of paper that can sing

A rapper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to...

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

Three blondes

Three blondes are driving down the street in a little car and get in an accident in which they all die. They awake to find themselves at the gates of Heaven, with Saint Peter smiling sweetly. He welcomes them and announces "ladies, before me I have the book of life. In it, i can see you've done some...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

What type of tree sings the best?

A karaoaky

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

What Christmas song do psychologists sing the most?

Do you hear what I hear?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last m...

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a girl who can sing and suck a dick at the same time hold in her hand?

Glass eye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a Welshman captured by the Taliban

They told them "We're gonna shoot but, you you can have one last request before you go" Welshman said "I'd like a thousand Welshmen singing Land of my Fathers" Scotsman said "I'd like a thousand Scotsman singing the Flower of Scotland" Irishman said "I'd like a thousand Irishmen doing the River Danc...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God...

Bilbo Baggins woke up in the morning and heard someone singing “Don’t Stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman in court...

the judge says "I'm in a good mood today and i'm a dog lover as you well know, now if you can sing me a song about a dog i'll let you off, but if you can't then you're going away for a very long time" Englishman went first "How much is that doggy in the window, the one with the waggly tail..." "Case...

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

Why can't Miss Piggy sing opera?

She has a frog in her throat.

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Why don't hummingbirds sing songs?



Because they don't know the words.

Did you hear about the Pony that wanted to sing?

She was feeling a little horse.

When my wife starts to sing....

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the rooster France's national emblem?

It's the only bird that still sings when it's standing on a shit pile.

Happy Bastille Day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

Mum and dad take little Johnny for a singing lesson...

They come back an hour later to pick him up and when the teacher answers the door he says “I think we’ve found the next Elvis!”

“Really?” asked the mum, “Is his voice that good?”
“No, it’s terrible. I mean he just died on the toilet”

A man with severe anxiety walks into a bar.

He doesn't know anyone, it's noisy, and everything is a blur. He goes straight to the bar and orders a tall glass of red ale, whatever they've got on tap, so the bartender complies.

He downs the entire drink in one go and looks around the bar at all the other patrons talking and mingling, sev...

Why have you never heard a mole sing?

He is too underground

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I was 11 years old.

She sings
"Ree Ree hit him in the knee, Rass Rass....
Hit him in the other knee"

11 year old me rofl'd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My wife told me that she's fed up with me singing all day long.

I told her Don't stop me now.

What do one legged girls sing?

*All we need is somebody to lean on*

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful woman that can sing

Chris Brown

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

A joke i made

What do you call shaq singing kiss from a rose





Shaquille O'Seal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

The three bears.

The three bears are out of work after the whole Goldilocks scandal.
Anyway they get offered a days work on a building site, and the foreman gives them a task and some picks.
On giving them their tools he says, "don't lose your tools".
So after working all morning dinner arrives, and off the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Matrix Management: The Key to Happiness

Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed b...

What kind of pickle is the best at singing?

A dill

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.