What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop singing “I'm a Believer”...

Then I saw her face...

Everyone told Sam not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Nothing beats a girl with a great singing voice

Except Chris Brown

What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?

I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

What do you call a piece of paper that can sing

A rapper

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall so much

I said maybe...

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just...

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I banned my wife from singing Cascada, but I think she is singing it behind my back.

She denies it of course, but everytime we touch I get a feeling

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

What do you call a computer that sings?

Adele

What type of tree sings the best?

A karaoaky

What Christmas song do psychologists sing the most?

Do you hear what I hear?

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Bilbo Baggins woke up in the morning and heard someone singing “Don’t Stop Believing.”

It was an unexpected Journey.

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

Yesterday I started singing and dancing by myself at the food court

That's how I learned that flash mobs are planned ahead of time.

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Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

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What does a girl who can sing and suck a dick at the same time hold in her hand?

Glass eye

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Do you know what people sing in the shower after having satisfied their partner sexually?

I didn't think so.

Mum and dad take little Johnny for a singing lesson...

They come back an hour later to pick him up and when the teacher answers the door he says “I think we’ve found the next Elvis!”

“Really?” asked the mum, “Is his voice that good?”
“No, it’s terrible. I mean he just died on the toilet”

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What did they sing at the wedding between the Roman Catholic and the Ashkenazi Jew?

Oy Vey Maria

Singing in the shower is great until you get soap in your mouth...

Then it becomes a Soap Opera.

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Around this time of the year, I start carrying around a stone with me to throw at people who are singing Christmas songs already.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

Did you hear about the Pony that wanted to sing?

She was feeling a little horse.

My wife told me that she's fed up with me singing all day long.

I told her Don't stop me now.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

Why can't Miss Piggy sing opera?

She has a frog in her throat.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

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A man buys a heavily discounted parrot from a pet store. As he's walking down the street, the parrot squawks obscenities at passersby.

Eventually, the man runs into the priest of his church.

"Good afternoon my son," said the priest. "And who might your feathered friend be?"

"FUCK YOU!" squawks the parrot.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I fully intend to break him of this obscene habit. I'll even teach him...

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went on for over fifteen minutes.

He finished, but instead of applause, he heard the audience shout again: "No, no! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A lit...

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

What kind of pickle is the best at singing?

A dill

Why don't hummingbirds sing songs?



Because they don't know the words.

I got thrown out of the ophthalmologist's office today for singing the YMCA.

Turns out you aren't supposed to help people during the eye chart test.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

When my wife starts to sing....

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

I just listened to a heavy metal band singing about norse gods

Now that's what I call Ragna-rock!

Doctor doctor, whenever I climb to the top of a mountain or tall building and look down, I always get the compulsion to sing classical music!

Hmm. Sounds like you have a bad case of Verdigo.

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Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

There’s only one thing that beats a beautiful woman that can sing

Chris Brown

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

What song does the queen of England sing when she takes her clothes off?

London's Britches Falling Down

Did you hear about the woman who died while singing in the shower?

She went out on a high note.

I'm a very big Oasis fan, specifically Wonderwall. I sing it all the time. My girlfriend hates it though, so she asked me to stop singing it.

I said maybe.

What do one legged girls sing?

*All we need is somebody to lean on*

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

I used to sing whenever I had a problem.

Until I realized my voice is worse than the problem.

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

I thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song.

But it turned out it was just a chive talking.

The duck was singing on the street for money

He got fined for selling quack.

He got an extra fine for using fowl language.

He said put the charges on my bill.

Whenever I wash my hands in public, I like to sing "Down with the Sickness".

People get "Disturbed" from this.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

My boyfriend is kicking me out of his house for constantly singing lyrics from "Take on me"

He said he's giving me the weekend to move all my stuff out, and he asked me when I would be able to finally leave, so I replied with "I'll be gone in a day or two."

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

You know how some singers sing so high that windows break?

When I sing, they also break because people jump out of them.

Justin Timberlake is bad at geography

He sings this song, "Crimea River", but I checked, and Crimea is a peninsula, not a river.

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

My doctor told me to sing a song while washing my hands

I sang American Pie and now my hands are bleeding.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a row.

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

I used to be poor. Then I started singing on streets for donations.

Now I get donations to not sing on streets

The coronavirus actually hits children the hardest with singing.

No one can touch their eyes and ears and mouth and nose.

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

What did the stamp sing to the letter?

“I can show you the wooooooorld”

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I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

I searched up "rock music" on the interwebs the other day and got nothing.

I suppose it's because rocks don't usually sing.

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