What happens if you sing country music in reverse?

You get your wife and job back.

Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?

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Samsung note 7

A teacher is about to sing a song he made for his students

He then started:

-Joe, kiss my toe! Ferdinand, kiss my hand!

He abruptly stops singing and asks:

Why are you leaving the classroom, Patrick?

Do you know what laptop sings the best?

A dell

Why can't a pony sing?

Because it's voice is a little horse.

At any given moment, the urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away

What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

What happens when you make a Llama sing along to a song by the Cranberries?

You get a zombie alpacalips

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Best BJ while she sings the national anthem.

A buddy of mine told me he found a hooker who gave him the best blow job he had ever received and she has a hidden talent, the only thing is that the lights have to be off while she is performing. I was extremely suspicious that he was pulling a quick one on me. But after some convincing he said he ...

Theirs a rock group that’s famous and doesn’t sing.

It’s Mount Rushmore

I want Family Guy to sing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...

...though Disney probably won't let them because they find the idea quite atrocious.

How do you get a duck to sing the blues?

Put it in the oven till it's bill withers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

What do Asian people sing to their children at night?

Wok a bye baby.

I love to sing in the shower

Until I get shampoo in my mouth, then it becomes a soap opera

A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.

Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

What’s a NASCAR driver’s favorite song to sing to other drivers during a race?

Blue Bayou

What's green and sings and dances fantastic?

Fred Asparagus. (I'm sorry, Holiday Inn was on TCM tonight.)

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named clearly

suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new Broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook’s right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...

Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee

A little Jewish boy runs up to his mom and says, "Mama, I wanna sing really loud!"

His mother says, "Shush with that! Not in the house!"

So the boy runs up to his grandmother and says, "Gramma, I wanna sing really loud!"

And his grandmother says, "My darling, you do whatever you want."

So the boy takes in a deep breath...

*"My Mom's tellin' me nooooo......

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man finally hires the famous hooker who can give a blowjob and sing at the same time

Indeed, for months, the man's friends had been telling him about this hooker who gives amazing blowjobs while singing, so, even though he was sceptical, the man finally took action and hired her.

When the hooker finally comes, the man asks her if she can sing a national anthem while doing he...

When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

What do you call a computer that sings?

Adele

Sing this - Spiderman Spiderman

Does whatever dust can.
Doesn't feel good
with Stark's plan.
Keep him away
from the fan.

Look out! You might breathe him in.

Falls down, outta breath.
What's that he senses? Total Death.
WATCH OUT
Vanished like a spider can.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to a blonde girl I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday Chantelle happy blow job for me...

What do you call a black person who sings well?

A vocal minority

Which went up to sing karaoke, rock, paper, or scissors?

Rock. He was Boulder.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend.

The lead singer of Smash Mouth is up late with a friend. His wife's not home; the past few nights she's returned past midnight with increasingly elaborate alibis. He's getting frustrated; he loves her, but he's not sure he can keep giving her the benefit of the doubt. His friend asks what he's go...

[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

Nothing beats a beautiful woman that can also sing

Well, except Chris Brown.

My friend told me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there's something worse then death.

Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"

I couldn't if I tried.

I hate singers that sing in unison.

But I wouldn't harmony.

My computer sings „Hello“ everytime I walk through the room

It‘s a dell

What do you call a duck that can't sing?

Drake.

What do you call a bunny that sings supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?

Mary Hoppins

By the way, not to brag, but I got that spelling right without Googling

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

I was having trouble finding a singing partner,

so I bought myself a duet yourself kit.

70% of men whack off in the shower. The rest of them sing. You know what they sing?

...No, I didn't think you did.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

There is a reason why I store the soap away when I sing in the shower

Otherwise it would be a soap opera

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Beyoncé sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because black people don't have rights.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work

What do you call an herb that sings?

Elvis Parsley.

Ever hear a flatbread sing?

Ever hear a pita wrap?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I opened the door last night to carol singers & said "Do you know Silent Night?"

"Yes" they replied
"Well piss off then because I want one!"

Who knows how to sing Mariah Carey songs?

Not Mariah Carey

When my wife starts to sing,

I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

Why did George Thorogood sing Bad to the Bone?

Because he had osteoporosis

I once tried to teach food how to sing.

It actually went pretty well, although the pancakes were a little flat.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

90% of people surveyed said they masturbate in the shower. The other 10% sing. Do you know what they sing?

I didn't think so.

I don't need therapy

What I need is these squirrels to stop singing Pink Floyd.

Why can't you ever sing the last verse of a Swedish song?

Because it's not Finnish.

What do tortillas sing at birthday parties?

Fajita jolly good fellow.

Crossing the Border

A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how fri...

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,

"If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?

A)BC
B)AD

Today I was told that I sing like an amputee.

Apparently I can't hold a note or carry a tune.