What vocal range do Lockpickers sing in?

Falsetto


(followed by counter rotation, click out of three)

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

The urge to sing

'The lion sleeps tonight", is only just a whim-away, a whim-away...

When my wife sings...

Whenever my wife starts singing, i go outside so that my neighbors don't think that I'm hitting her.

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TIFU...well it was actually yesterday, so YIFU by singing a Sam Cooke song for my GF on Valentine's Day:

Me:
Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took

But I do know that I love you
And I know that if you love me, too
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know much about geograph...

Why did they not allow a pony to sing a song?

.

.

.

Because she was a little horse.

I nervously applied to sing on American Idol and Simon Cowell asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said no,but I could do Bohemian Rhapsody!

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Yodelling isn't just a form of singing.

It's also a warning that old jedi will fuck you if you're dishonest.
Because Yoda lay he who lie.

What rock group has 4 men who don't sing?

Mount Rushmore

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer”

by the Monkees because she found it annoying.

At first I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face…

What do you call a singing computer?

A Dell

I'm singing at a wedding where a Jewish man is marrying a Catholic woman

I'll be performing the Oy Vey Maria

My girlfriend hates Oasis and asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe

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90% of women masturbate in the shower, the other 10% sing. And do you know what they sing?

(shrugs)

Then you must be one of the ones who masturbates!

Can a chickpea sing you a song?

No- but he could hummus one.

A singing teacher told her eager student 'You should have taken up singing earlier'. The student asks 'Why? Do you think the extra practice would make me a star?'

'No' replies the teacher 'but you would have given up by now'

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

A guy asks his friend "How much would it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

The friend replies with "You mean a choir?"

To which the man says "Sorry, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"

Did you hear that The Beatles once judged a singing competition?

They were the Hey-Judeicators.

What Queen song does a fraudulent cheesemaker sing?

I want to fake Brie.

‘Doctor, I keep spontaneously singing songs by The Who’

‘How long has this been happening?’

‘Ever since I was a young boy…’

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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I said to a blonde girl, I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

The first rule of singing in the bathroom!

The toilet brush must never be used as a microphone

Englishman, Welshman, Irishman and a Scotsman are taken prisoner and sentenced to death

The captors say "you each get one final request and then you get a bullet in your head"


They turn and ask the Welshman what his final wish is and he says "I want 1000 men to sing "Land of my Fathers""


They turn and ask the Scotsman what his final wish is and he says "I want...

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth...

....then it's a soap opera.

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

What kind of songs does Sub-Zero sing at his church in Helsinki?

FINNISH HYMNS!

Why do birds sing in the morning?

Because they don't have to go to work.

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Did you know that 80% of people masturbate while in the shower, and the other 20% whistle or sing the same song? Do you know what the name of the song is?

Well I guess I know what you’re doing in the shower!

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

Yo mamma so fat

Ed Sheeran had a stroke trying to sing the shape of her

Why can't Karens sing?

Because they get stuck at the third note: "doe, ray, me-me-me-me-me-me-me..."

Two people walk onto a stage, both holding metal tubes. One sings and the other raps. How do you tell which is which before they start performing?

Easy: The singer’s got pipes, and the rapper’s got bars.

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

Everyone told Sam not to sing.

But Samsung anyway.

A pirate started singing me a song. I didn’t really like it until he started swinging his arm around.

Then I was caught on the hook.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I opened the fridge today and the milk was singing a Michael Jackson song

I think it’s Bad

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When you are in deep shit

little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was a...

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The Genie, the Waterfall and Their Last Wish

An Englishman, an American and a Japanese are doing white water rafting, when all of a sudden they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is the spiri...

What do you call someone who can sing but not talk?

A mutesician.

Why do Australians laugh at flightless birds?

They find them Emu-sing

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What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

Tell me your name and I guarantee you I can sing you a song with your name in it

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear _____, happy birthday to you.

Why does the rate of trees cut follow an inverse exponential trend when lumberjacks start singing?

Because it falls into a logger-rhythm.

Why can’t the guy singing “Mambo No. 5” can’t decide between all these women?

Because Begas can’t be choosers.

What do you get when you cross the Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles?

Elton John singing a song for you.

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A man came home from church with two black eyes

His wife had gone to an earlier service while he slept in and she was shocked when he came home.

"What happened to you at church?" she asked.

He explained, "We stood up to sing a psalm and I noticed the lady in front of me had her dress tucked way up her butt. You know me, always want...

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

Nothing beats a girl with a great singing voice

Except Chris Brown

My wife is in the house singing.

I’m sitting on the front porch so the neighbors don’t think I’m hitting her

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The Singing Asshole

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a hidden talent.

Guy- "I can sing out of my asshole"

Bartender- "that's impossible"

Guy- "How about a bet? If I can sing out of my asshole you give me free drinks all night".

The bartender agrees to the bet. The guy proc...

A man was at a job interview

The boss asked, How do you preform under pressure?

The man said, Well I try my hardest but I always end up singing “Ice Ice Baby”

What mumble rap group was also famous for their singing?

The Do-Re-Migos

A horse walks into a bar.

Bartender asks, “Are you singing karoake tonight?”
Horse replies, “Neigh, I don’t like being the centaur of attention.”

It's summer 2022

The war has ended as Putin saw all celebrities singing "Imagine" and he promptly got his troops back to Russia. The first tourist arriving at Kyiv Airport and visiting the capital city under reconstruction. When they exit the airport, the first thing they see is a statue of the fallen soldiers, the ...

My dad is a huge fan of Christian screamo...

Whenever he's out working on his car he always singing along like "JESUS CHRIST!" "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

Did you hear about the singing pirate that had a cataract?

After the surgery, he shall see, shan't he?

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

Bee Gees songs are useful for first aid. Do chest compressions to the rhythm of Staying Alive.

If the CPR fails, it’s time to sing For Whom The Bell Tolls.

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus?

I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.

What do you call a piece of paper that can sing

A rapper

A woman named Lorraine Lee was taking her boyfriend, Frank, to visit her family for the first time.

Frank entered the house and shook hands with Mr. and Mrs. Lee. There was one other person at the house, and that was Lorraine's sister, a drop dead gorgeous woman named Claire.

Claire whispered something to Frank, and the two of them went upstairs together. Lorraine was suspicious, so five mi...

What is a group of singing terrorists called?

a taliband

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

A bartender is thinking of closing early, it's been a slow day.

Just as he's about to start shutting down the bar and sending his staff home, the doors are flung open and a huge crowd of people flood inside. They're all singing and dancing, clearly in a celebratory mood, and it's all the bar staff can do to keep the beers flowing as the party atmosphere hits ful...

TIL that singing will scare bears.

You just have to be a bearatone.

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?

2. One to change it and one to sing about how much they miss the old one.

A kindergartner asks to use the bathroom

Teacher: “sing the ABC’s, then I’ll let you go”

Kindergartner: “A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z”

Teacher: “Where’s the P?”

Kindergartner: “It’s running down my pants!”

Inspired by the chicken jokes

Why did Adele cross the road?








To sing hello from the otherside

What's the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song and Chickpeas can only Hummus one.

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I asked my chemo patient how she was doing as we started our visit. “Oh, I’m so excited for Saturday! I’m going with a bunch of friends to go see Justin Bieber in concert… front row!” Flabbergasted, I replied, “What?! Why would you do that? COVID is at all-time highs…

…and probably 1 in 5 people around you in that place will be transmitting with every breath they take. And all that screaming and singing!”

Cheerfully, she replied, “oh that should be no problem, right? After all, you said I have a weekend immune system!”

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church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

I walked into a hospital ward today looking for a mate....

No staff around so I asked a patient in bed where the staff were, he said ' Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it'

So I asked the next guy, he said ' But we hae meat, and we can eat sae let the Lord be thankit'

I asked the next guy and he started singing Auld Lang ...

An Uber driver

I called an Uber, a luxury minivan came.

The driver asked: are you ok with songs from the 60s?

Thought for 3 second, I said: Why not

Then he started to sing...

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom.

Probably cause the audience is shit

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'."



"Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

What type of tree sings the best?

A karaoaky

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I go around throwing a stone at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving. What is the name of this stone?

It's my Jingle Bell Rock.

I got bitten by a mosquito and now I can't stop singing "Nessun Dorma"

I think I might have male-aria.

Karaoke night

A guy and his girlfriend walk into a bar on karaoke night. While his girlfriend is up by the stage going through song choices the bartender asks the guy, "Is she any good?" "I don't know. Whenever she starts to sing at home I always immediately go outside into the front yard," the guy replies. "That...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

A woman on her bike was riding through the countryside during the middle ages, playing her guitar and singing songs....

...when she came upon a dashing knight in the woods, practicing his swordsmanship. The knight was struck by her beauty and started a conversation. which quickly turned into flirting.

The knight straddled the front wheel of her bike and started to passionately kiss her. The woman said "No we ...

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A boy needed to piss

A young boy tells his mother, "Mom! I need to piss!"

The mother didn't like her boy's use of language and responded, "Don't say that. Say you want to sing instead."

The next day the boy is visiting a family party along with his grandma, when the boy's mom and dad go to dance he tells h...

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

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I had to go see my doctor today because I’m having an unusual problem. I say to him, “I’ve got a problem, every time I finish masturbating I sing the American national anthem”.

The doctor said, “Don’t worry, a lot of wankers sing that”.

A man cheats on his wife

A man cheats on his wife named Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

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Guys, did you know that I have a shetland pony who can sing?! I was going to record and share a video the other day but...

...he was a little hoarse.

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