What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?

"you mean a choir?"

Fine... How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?

My friend told me I had to stop singing ‘I’m a Believer’.

I thought she was kidding

but then I saw her face.

My partner asked me to stop singing Oasis songs...

I said maybe

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Why doesn't Mike Pence sing Christmas songs?

It might make the Yuletide gay.

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just

a whim away, a whim away, a whim way, a whim away

So last year I started a tradition, I carry a pebble and throw it at anyone who sings Christmas songs before December....

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

Everyone told Sam not to sing

but Samsung anyway

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

Instead of singing Auld Lang Syne this New Year's

We should all sing "I Can See Clearly Now."

Because everyone will have 2020 vision.

I don't know how to sing "London Bridge is Falling Down"

but I'm gonna take a stab at it.

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

One of the soprano girls in my choir class says she can't sing her part.

She says she descant.

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

I'm going to sing in Chinese.

(censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored) (censored)

What do you call a singing kitchen utensil?

A spatu-laaaaaah

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There's a singer who's singing is so piss poor it makes everyone who has the misfortune of listening to her pissed off.

Yet Urethra Franklin is still very famous,somehow.

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What do you call a person who likes to sing while they poop?

Elton-on-the-John.

[OC] I was already on stage when I realized Take On Me was a bad karaoke song for me to sing...

It was a real Aha moment.

What did the sheep sing to the sheepdog?

Do you really want to herd me?

What did the water sing at 4 degrees celsius?

- Lets dense !

What kind of PC sings really well?

A Dell

What does an actor sing in the shower?

Soap opera

What brand of computer has the best singing voice?

A Dell

Why doesn't Ed Sheeran sing the blues?

He has no soul.

A girl was practicing her singing skills when her mum told her...

Mum: “I wish you were on TV”
Daughter: “thanks mom... am I that good?”
Mum: “no I’d just be able to turn your voice down”

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Lawyer: I heard the oompa loompas singing. what are you planning on doing to these kids, Willy?

**Wonka:**

**lawyer:**

**Wonka:** ifitsokaytokillthemsaywhat

**lawyer:** I'm sorry what?

**Wonka:** *[stuffing tape recorder in pocket]* oh what, I didnt say nothing.

I thought I was going crazy when I heard my laptop singing

It makes sense though since it’s a Dell.

I was walking past my fridge last night when I thought I heard two onions singing a BeeGees song.

But when I opened the door it was just the chives talking.

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Why did the centaur never get a singing career?

He was a bit hoarse.

What's big, gray, and sings jazz?

Elephantzgerald

What do you call a computer that sings?



Adele

An old lady is walking down the street singing "21 today, 21 today."

A young man beside her snaps "You're not 21 you old bat." With a snap she slams her cane into his head and walks away singing.

"22 today, 22 today." With a smile.

Honey why do you always stand by the window when I sing?

It's so the neighbours don't think I am beating you.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Why does Bono sing acapella when hes feeling down?

It takes the edge off it

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

What is green, and sings

Elvis Parsley

I want the get 99 dudes together to sing Africa by Toto

Because that's something that 100 men or more could never do.

What’s gonna happen if you sing blues backward

It stops raining, your wife returns, your dog resurrects

My friend wants me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there are worse things than death.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

Every day we wake up to a guy in the garden singing ...

“If I were a rich man
Yubby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dibby Dum
All day long I’d Biddy Biddy Bum
If I were a wealthy man.”

I tell my wife it’s the morning Jew.

In Avicii's song 'The Days', he sings: "We made a promise to never get old"

At least he was a man of his word.

Why don’t MacBooks sing?

Because you need A Dell.

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Many sing in the shower, but rarely in the bathroom

Maybe because the audience is shit

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

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Why couldn't the pony sing?

He was a little hoarse.

What happens if you sing country music in reverse?

You get your wife and job back.

Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

When my wife wanted me to stop singing stayin’ alive I just laughed in her face

Ah, ha, ha, ha

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A guy felt a bit lonely

So he goes to a brothel and tells the madame that he wants something 'out of the oridinary'.

Madame replies: We've a goat. Do you want the goat?

The guy says: No, something even more kinky.

Madame: We've an alien from the planet Mars.

Guy: No, even more kinky.

Mad...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

Forgive me Father...for I have sinned. I keep singing the barenaked ladies.

“How Long has it been since your last confession?”

“It’s been.......”

Why can’t pirates sing the alphabet?

Because they get lost at sea!
(My friend told me this idk if someone else posted before)

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop singing Linkin Park songs.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

What do you call a group of coma patients who suddenly wake and start singing?

Vegetable medley.

If the Rolling Stones sing "hey, you, get offa my cloud!", what do the Scots sing?

"Hey, MacLeod, get offa my ewe."

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to go to work!

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What does Solid Snake sing when he gets drunk and horny during 80’s Karaoke Night?

“...Cum on Mei Ling~”

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Rolling Stones songs.

I told her - you can't always get what you want.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

Some crocodiles decided to get together and sing parody songs.

It's a pun-croc band.

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

What does Tom do before it's his turn to sing?

Tom Waits.

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In the early days of the Nazi Party’s rule a group of Nazis walked into a bar

They sat and noticed a Jew was sitting in front of them. One of the Nazis got up and shouted “A round of drinks on me for every German folk except for the Jew!”
The crowd cheers and heils the party but this doesn’t make the Jew upset at all. He was grinning.
After a few days the Nazis return a...

Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?

















Samsung note 7

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

death row

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.


As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one w...

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John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

Nothing beats a woman with a beautiful singing voice...

Except Chris Brown

A teacher is about to sing a song he made for his students

He then started:

-Joe, kiss my toe! Ferdinand, kiss my hand!

He abruptly stops singing and asks:

Why are you leaving the classroom, Patrick?

What does thanos sing in the shower?

Another one bites the dust

A man was married to a woman named Lorraine but had a mistress named Clairee.

One day, his wife left him. He wasn't too upset. In fact, he began to sing:

"I can see Clairee now, Lorraine is gone."

Sorry... I'll see myself out...

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

What do you sing when you kill Dracula's last clone?

"It's the final countdown"

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