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Sing Jokes

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.

My wife asked if I could stop singing ‘Wonderwall’

I said maybe

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away

Aweem away

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Everyone who defended trump for saying grab them by the pussy is offended by cardi b's sing WAP

Guess there's only a problem when it's wet

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing...

Probably because it's a Dell

When my wife starts to sing, I always go outside and do some garden work....

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

why couldn't miss piggy sing?

because she had a frog in her throught.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”

“Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor…

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

Everyone told Sam not to sing

But Samsung anyway

Bilbo Baggins wakes up and hears someone singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing’.

It was an unexpected Journey.

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

What does someone with a good singing voice have?

Opera-tune-ities.

(It’s dumb but it’s mine.)

What do you call green onions that sing hip-hop?

Rapscallions

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“Doc, you gotta help me. I can’t stop singing ‘What’s New Pussycat’.”

“Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

John manages a band where his dog plays guitar and his cat sings

Everyone is amazed. No one understands how they're doing it and it becomes a huge hit. The band travels around the country and John makes a lot of money from the band's success.

Eventually, it catches wind in Italy and Berlusconi wants to hear the band live. He invites John to Rome and he com...

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Why did Beyoncé sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because black people don't have rights.

What do law enforcement personnel sing during Christmas?

Police navidad

When my wife sings...

Whenever my wife starts singing, i go outside so that my neighbors don't think that I'm hitting her.

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What do pirates sing during fellatio?

"Wey hey, blow the man down."

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune

But chick peas can only hummus one.

We were so poor growing up my Dad used to sing...

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's going to steal you a mockingbird...

I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.

It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.

Q: What has huge nipples and can sing?

A: Areola Grande.

Celine Dion just announced she will no longer sing...

Luckily her heart will go on.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

why cant pirates sing the alphabet?

They keep getting lost at "C"....

It my Reddit bday. Celebrate and sing with me the dirtiest clean song you’ll ever sing!

Sing this out loud:

There once was a farmer who lived by a crick,
And every morning he played with his banjo,
In the moonlight, to the lady next door,
And you could tell just by looking that she was a,
Decent young lady who lay in the grass,
And when she rolled over you could s...

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They say about 70% of people masturbate in the shower and about 30% sing in the shower. Do you know what the most popular song is to sing in the shower?

You don't? Well I guess we know what you've been doing.

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The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold...

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I hate it when I am singing a song...

And the artits gets the words wrong, felt like it was being revised.

What's a world famous, four-man rock group that doesn't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

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90% of women masturbate in the shower, the other 10% sing. And do you know what they sing?

(shrugs)

Then you must be one of the ones who masturbates!

My friend told me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there's something worse then death.

I'm here to do two things: Make love, and sing hit songs from the 80s...

...And I'm all out of love! I'm so lost without you!

What song did the snowman sing as he tried to pick up a date?

"I Only Have Ice For You."

Why did my girlfriend leave?

My girlfriend said we had to have a serious talk. She had enough of me constantly singing “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys. She said if I didn’t stop singing that song, she was done with the relationship and would leave.

I said, “Tell me why?”

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You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to fucking work

I will NEVER get tired of singing "Don't Speak"

I have No Doubt in my mind

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

What vocal range do Lockpickers sing in?

Falsetto


(followed by counter rotation, click out of three)

Why is Beyonce always singing about going "To the left"?

Because women have no rights.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Why do scottish people sing 'Danger Zone' when they forget their password?

Because they Kenny Loggin.

How do they sing Linkin Park in Alabama?

Craaaaaaaaawling in my kin

What did the 7 dwarves sing as they went into the brothel?

"Hi Ho, Hi Ho"

After which they hear the response from inside - "It's off to work we go"

My uncle sings the praises of some large African mammals but complains non-stop about others.

He’s very hippocritical.

What’s a pirate’s favorite hymn to sing in church?

Arrrr-ve Maria

Teacher: sing the alphabet

Student: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, phosphorus, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Teacher: How did you say phosphorus instead of L, M, N, O, and P?

Student: Because phosphorus is EL-EM-EN-TAL P.

What kind of song did Sub-Zero, Raiden, and Scorpion sing at their Scandinavian church?

Finnish Hymn!

What is a singing dinosaur called

A velocirapper

Can a chickpea sing you a song?

No- but he could hummus one.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

Why couldn't the pony sing a lullaby?

She was a little horse.

What bird never sings the lyrics to a song?

A hummingbird.

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The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The...

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If I was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, I know what I’d be singing

Oh, I’d while away the hours
Wanking in the flowers
My heart all full of song

I’d be guilding every lily
As I waved about my Willy
If I only had a schlong

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The Singing Asshole

Guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he has a hidden talent.

Guy- "I can sing out of my asshole"

Bartender- "that's impossible"

Guy- "How about a bet? If I can sing out of my asshole you give me free drinks all night".

The bartender agrees to the bet. The guy proc...

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

I've just bought one of those new singing computers.

It's a Dell.

What Queen song does a fraudulent cheesemaker sing?

I want to fake Brie.

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

What computer can sing the song "Hello"?

A Dell.

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

i was kicked out of the karaoke bar after trying to sing 'danger zone' 4 times.

They said it was too many Loggins attempts.

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers

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A survey shows that 85% of men masturbate in the shower. The remaining 15% sing. Do you know what they sing?

...No, I thought you probably didn't. ;)

Why don't hummingbirds sing songs?



Because they don't know the words.

My doctor told me to stop singing Frank Sinatra songs as it's bad for my health. But I just wouldn't listen.

And now the end is near.

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Yodelling isn't just a form of singing.

It's also a warning that old jedi will fuck you if you're dishonest.
Because Yoda lay he who lie.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

Chess, the singing parrot

This guy goes into a pet shop looking for a bird. The shopkeeper brings him to a cage and tells him, “You won’t believe what this parrot Chess can do. He’s wonderfully talented, and his songs will blow your mind. Only $10,000.”

“That’s pretty steep,” he replies. “What’s so amazing about these...

Why can’t pirates sing the alphabet?

Because they get lost at sea!
(My friend told me this idk if someone else posted before)

What did the crooner sing after hearing about the extinction of goats?

"There will never be another ewe."

(yes, it's a groaner, but i'm willing to bear the embarrassment because I made up the joke myself!)

What key does R Kelly prefer to sing?

B minor.

‘Doctor, I keep spontaneously singing songs by The Who’

‘How long has this been happening?’

‘Ever since I was a young boy…’

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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With great enthusiasm and singing a song

Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen.

Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic."

Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singi...

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to...

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What do one legged girls sing?

*All we need is somebody to lean on*

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