UPJOKE
quiettranquillullstillpeacefulserenequietensedatecomposureunruffledplacidtranquilizeserenitysettle downpacify

Calm Jokes

I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down.

That wouldn’t be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.

Why are flightless birds so calm?

They're unflappable.

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected?

Because he used eye-pads before sleep

Why was the doctor always calm? .

Because he had a lot of patients

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists...

A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting "help me please, I'm shrinking" The Doctor calmly said "now settle down a bit"..

.."you'll just have to learn to be a little patient"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.

The Survivor calls 911.

Survivor: “My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!”

911: “Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?”

***BANG***

Survivor: “Okay, no...

a blonde calls 911 and says "help, help, my house is on fire" ...operater says "stay calm ma'am, we'll send the fire department. how do we get to your house?"

Blonde: "duh...big red truck"

Italian in a courtroom extremely upset

The judge tries to calm him down and says "Just relax, its a fine!" The Italian goes "No! Its a not!"

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

A joke (long)

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it ...

Ship captain is in charge of keeping ship's log.

He notes "NE wind, calm sea, today first mate is drunk." After seeing that first mate asks captain to remove the note about him as it would harm his career. "No, I can't do that" declines the captain "we only write the truth in the log." Seeing there is nothing he can do first mate drops the issue. ...

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

Bad bird

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Between her legs

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She became worried and asked her mom, “What is this?”

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair is grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

At dinner she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair...

During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down..

But then her husband asked her to calm down.......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns died and went to heaven

The angel infront of the gate asked the first nun "have you held a phallus" and the nun said "accidentally I touched the tip once" and the angel said "wash your finger tips in that basin of holy water and your sins would be cleared", the angel asked the 2nd nun the same question and the 2nd nun sai...

If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly...

After all, communication is key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's My Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player?

Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it’s really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: “in through your nose, out through your butt.”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh...

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

Stalin's assistant enters his office

"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"

Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."

The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.

Later, with ...

Trial

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the t...

Homer

A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phon...

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!". The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and ...

An Indian is calmly having breakfast...

An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an

American, who is chewing gum, sits down beside

him.The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat :

The American asks :'Do you eat the bread entirely?'

The Indian answers,'Of course!'

American : 'We do not .We on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

Mother

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief,...

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

What’s a term for a group of calm and relaxed children?

Chilldren

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Troubles (long)

In the 1970s a lady got pregnant in Belfast. Actually, a lot of ladies got pregnant in Belfast in the 1970s, there wasn't much on TV. Anyway, this particular lady was going to have triplets. When she had almost come to term, she was walking down the street when a battle erupted between the provos an...

A monk from Nepal travels to Germany…

When he steps out of the airport he goes to the pick-up lane and raises his hand to call a taxi. An incoming taxi driver notices the Nepali and pulls up next to him with his big, luxurious Mercedes Benz car. The monk boards the taxi but as he has never seen such a big and shiny car before, he curiou...

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

A serbian politician goes to visit a greek politician

Serbian politician looks around greek politician's home amazed. He has a large 5 story house, many pools, a bar with several pool tables, very expensive drinks that date far back, more than 6 sport cars, there's beautiful women all around the house. Serbian is stunned, he asks "Hey friend, let me as...

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls someone over for speeding...

He asks the driver: "Why were you driving this fast?"

"I'm late for work!", he responds

"What are you working as?"

"I'm an asshole-widener."

The cop is confused: "What's that supposed to be?"

"Well," he calmly explains, "I take an asshole and try to put my finger i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise visit to my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just keep calm

I'm just back from Tesco’s I have to tell you this, I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things.

The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . ....

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation.

Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.



Doctor- I am.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

Move

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.

The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.

So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), “I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics livin...

A tramp walks into a bar

and the barman says “no thank you, we don’t serve your type in here”
The tramp replies “it’s ok, I don’t want a drink, I just want a toothpick.”
Confused, the barman gives the tramp a toothpick and he leaves without causing any trouble.
The barman goes back about his business and tried to...

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.

Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.

"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"

"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"

There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory

The situation is now calm.

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf. They approach the most difficult water hole on the course.

Moses steps up and puts his drive straight into the hazard. He calmly walks to the edge of the pond and raises his club. The waters part, Moses walks down to his ball, and chips it onto the green.

Jesus, up next, also sends his drive into the drink. He calmly walks out over the water, loc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman decide to hook up for the night

The man has a 2" penis, but the woman is so horny she doesn't care. After an hour of love-making, she starts getting upset because she hasn't had an orgasm yet.

The man notices notices her frustration and asks "what's wrong?"

She responds, "I've never had it take so long to have an org...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

What did one NWA member say to calm down the other NWA member?

Easy, E!

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital after an operation

‘We have accidentally amputated your penis’ said the doctor

‘What the actual f**k!!!’ shouted the man

Then the doctor said ‘Ma’am, you need to calm down’

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

63 and pregnant

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; ...

Apparently there's a lettuce shortage.

Hopefully we can all romaine calm.

There’s not going to be another World War. Calm down.

“World War” implies that America still has allies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of the fly and the lake

Once upon a time, at a small lake in the forest, a little fly was hovering over the calm waters, close to the water's edge.

Unbeknownst to it, a carp spotted the little insect from under the water's surface, and thought to itself:

*"If you fly just a little lower, buddy, I can just jum...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

An Englishman, Frenchman and a Soviet go to an art exhibition.

They come to a marble bust of Adam and Eve. The Englishman says "Look at their calm repose, their stiff upper lip. They must have been English."
The Frenchman says "Look at their nakedness, their natural artistic beauty. They must have been French."
The Soviet goes "No no. They have no food, n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are sitting in their car one evening, stuck at traffic lights.

As the lights turn green, out of nowhere, a vampire appears in front of their car!

Sister Mary turns to the more experienced Sister Agnes and cries out "Sister! A manifestation of pure evil! What shall we do!?"

Sister Agnes, with all of her holy wisdom, stays calm and says "Sister Mary...

A mathematician, physicist and chemist go on vacation together.

They take separate rooms at the hotel.

The mathematician can't sleep so he goes to his balcony and looks into the chemist's room.

A fire breaks out in the chemist's room and the mathematician panics.

He then sees the chemist wake up calmly and create a solution from the ingred...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

Co-pilot: c'mon you need to tell them, but you must keep them calm.

Pilot: Swimming is fun, right?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Fans of celine dion attended a viewing of a calm plate of mustard

They misheard the words *serene dijon*

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse and Chicken

are farmyard pals and take daily walks around a large farmyard. One day after a particularly heavy rainfall, horse takes a miss step and falls into a large hole in the ground. Unable to get out, horse panics and whineys to chicken for help. Chicken realises he's not up to help, rushes off to the far...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When carriages were first invented they had the donkey constantly backing up so they could maintain eye contact with the driver and remain calm.

Soon afterwards however they realized that the idea was completely ass backwards.

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do not swear or god will punish you.

A man who is a habitual swearer is playing golf. And a priest is watching him playing. He takes his first shot, misses it. Mad, he says “fuck i missed it”. The priest says, “son, do not swear or god will punish you”. The man flips him and takes another shot. He completely misses it again. Furious, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lion was sitting calmly while a monkey comes up to him and starts teasing him. Lion keeps ignoring the monkey.

A lioness comes and asks lion why is he ignoring the monkey. Lion asks her to mind her own business and ignore the monkey. Lioness ignores lion’s advice and starts to chase the mo...

I want to die like my grandfather, sleeping calmly.

Not like the passengers on his bus, screaming intensely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

When you smoke to calm down

You’re literally becoming a higher being to seek peace and tranquility in your life.

People need to calm down about Walmart making wearing a mask mandatory.

You can still wear your pajamas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

Smart

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog wha...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Doctor: Calm down David ! It’s just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.

Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy ...

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos,

then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving twenty blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was calmly walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive forty blocks away and leave the cat there. But as he pulled into his driveway, the cat was there.

He kept taking the cat farther and farther, but the cat would always beat him home....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

Heard a Dr. on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny runs into the farmhouse yelling "Paw! Paw! You'll never guess what!"

Paw says "What?" and Little Johnny says "Old man Henderson's farmhouse just got sucked clear away by a whirlwind!"

"I know," says Paw calmly. "It's in the paper."

Disgruntled, Little Johnny trudges off, but a couple of days later he's running into the farmhouse again yelling "Paw! Paw!...

What is the most calming scent?

Chloroform

Which type of traveler is the most calm?

Nomads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.