This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

If you think that your microwave is collecting data and the Tv is spying on you is bad enough...

The vacuum have been gathering dirt on your for years...

My dad had this strange obsession with collecting bottles!

Would be one way to say he’s an alcoholic.

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

My New Year’s resolution is to start collecting highlighters

Mark my words!!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

When women get to a certain age, they start collecting cats.....

This is known as the many paws.

How do you call a German collecting money for charity?

Krautfunding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

I used to have a job collecting leaves

I was raking it in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Boston was driving down a New Hampshire country road.

He saw a farmer out in his field, doing something near a horse drawn wagon. His interest piqued, he pulled over and got out to watch. After a while, it became clear the farmer was picking something up out of the plowed field and tossing it into the back of the wagon. As the farmer got closer, the gu...

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

I need Help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard your mom loves collecting birds....

She always up for a cockatoo.

People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. Truth is, those are not the appliances you need to be concerned about.

It's your Vacuum Cleaner that you need to be worried about....



....it's been collecting dirt on you for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little/Big Johnny and the Lady

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, takes a newspaper, and Johnny says: "Collecting... that'll be five dollars please.”
She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"
Johnny says "All right.”

He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

Lately I have been really busy and it's interfering with my hobby of collecting all of the different types of spices...

...I just don't have the thyme.

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me.

I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

So there was this king in Hawaii living in a straw thatch style palace whose hobby was collecting thrones...

Anytime some local carpenter created a new ornate chair, he had to have it for his collection. The guy was wild about them, it was his one true passion in life.

Well one day, lightning strikes during a thunderstorm and his palace burns down including his entire collection. He was crushed, ne...

An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers

Because paper beats rock.

Puzzled doctor: "Why are you shaking and gyrating in the clinic after collecting your bottle of medicine?" Patient points to bottle:

"Says here 'Shake well before use'."
"That refers to the bottle."

A boy goes to his School Career Advisor to talk about what he should do after school.

The Advisor says to him, do you have any particular interests or talents? The boy says, I really love stamps, studying them, collecting them, everything about them. The Career Advisor shakes his head and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but philately will get you nowhere.

Although it's expensive, I've started collecting records.

That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I've got 5,000 signatures.

Please post any animal jokes here. I am collecting outstanding animal jokes, or puns. Thank you.

Start it off with a classic.

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produce...

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mad scientist and his dim-witted assistant are collecting resources to bring a cyborg abomination to life.

They split the work to be as efficient as possible. The scientist decides to stay at the lab to tinker with and clean the robotic parts, and the assistant goes out to collect body parts.

After an hour, the assistant arrives with a leg, and sees the robotic parts still covered in grease.
...

I've been collecting a few zombies here and there, nothing serious....

But my girlfriend seems to think I'm hording them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

A woman walked up to me holding a bucket

“Excuse me, I’m collecting for the local swimming pool”

“Well it’ll take you bloody ages to fill it with that”

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

I'm thinking of putting my vacuum cleaner on Ebay.

It was just collecting dust anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,
"What's going on?"


"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fir...

You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

A police officer pulls a man over

"Licence and registration!" - the police officer says.

"Certainly, officer!", replies the civilian.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?", asks the officer.

The civilian replies: "I assume you are collecting donations for the policemans' ball."

"Sir, the police doesn't hav...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.