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Prayer Jokes

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

Family Prayer

Little Johnny's family is sitting at the dinner table. Lil Johnny's dad tells him to say the dinner prayer.

Little Johnny says, "Dear God, Thank you for the food we are about to eat, and please, oh please God, send clothes for all those poor ladies on Dad’s computer. Amen!"

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

*A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.*

Daughter: God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

Dad: why did you say that?

Daughter: I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

*The next day, grandpa drops ...

Teacher: Now, Peter, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Peter: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

What do we muslims call the early call to prayer that wakes us up in the morning?

The Allahm clock

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

I have a business selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.

The prophets are through the roof so I guess you can say that business is booming.

The Lord's Prayer

When KFC sales hit a lean patch, Colonel Sanders came up with a brilliant advertising idea. He got in touch with the Pope and asked the pontiff whether he could change the words of the Lord's Prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken." "I can't possibly do...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why do we say Amen at the end of a prayer and not Awomen?

Because we sings Hymns and not Hers.

At dinner, Little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer...

"But I don't know how to pray", he replied.

"Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc...", said his father.

"Okay", the boy said.

"*Dear Lord, thank you for the visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won'...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.

He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.

When they finished the Precher asked how’s my hearing?

I said idk it isn’t til next week.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

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Prayer is like masturbation

It feels good to you, but does nothing for the person you're thinking about.

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God ...

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The power of prayer.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pra...

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

Does your family say a prayer before you eat dinner?

Non. We are French, we know how to cook.

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

Little Boy Prayer

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer. His parents turn to him and say, “we say a prayer before eating in our house!” The little boy replies, “yeah, that’s in our house but here the chef knows how to cook!"

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

How does a pirate start his prayers?

Arrrr Father..

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A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

We all need to send prayers to the people in Ohio

Nothing happened, they just have to live there

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

A guy was giving the opening prayer at a convention...

...and he said, "Life is a mystery everyone must stand alone I hear you call my name and it feels like home."So the MC said, "That's not really a prayer." And the guy said, "Well no, but it's like a prayer."

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Cocks

A priest kept chickens at his village. One evening the cock went missing. At the church pass prayer gathering, the priest asked:
-“Who has a cock?”…All the men got up.
-“No I meant who has seen a cock?”…All the women got up.
-“No,no, Who has seen a cock that isn’t theirs?”…Half the women go...

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

A man goes to his rabbi

and says: “You’ll never believe what happened to me! My son left the house and became a Christian!”Surprised, the rabbi responds: “Well you’ll never believe what happened to me! My son left the house and became a Christian too!” “Then what are we gonna do?”, the man asks, to which the rabbi can only...

Where do Russian Muslims go to prayer?

Mosque O

A guy was smoking while saying prayers.

His shocked friend asked, "Tell me how did the priest allow you to smoke while praying when he refused to permit me."

"What did you ask?" enquired his friend.

"Can I smoke while I am praying?" replied his friend.

"No wonder he refused you because I asked the priest, 'Can I pray...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

Prayer

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congrega...

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very mate...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and...

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

My thoughts and prayers go out for the Queen

I heard she was a massive DMX fan

Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarcerati...

Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to quest...

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Prayers

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when ...

A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

A nun gave little Mary a long talk on sin, prayer, and forgiveness.

When she finished the lesson, she asked little Mary, "What do we have to do before we ask the Lord for forgiveness?"

Little Mary Confidently said, "Sin"

Prayers before going on a blind date

Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...

Man : god , don't let her be fat..

Thoughts and prayers

I went to my pastor and asked him to pray for my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and prayed. Afterwards he asked, "how's your hearing?"

I replied, "it's not until next Tuesday"

After years of depression, hoping for the dark times to pass, God finally answered my prayers.

He said no.

Have you heard about the atheist dial-a-prayer service?

When you call no-one answers

"Ramen."

- Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

A Prayer before Dinner

During a weekly dinner date between two neighbours, the 5 year old boy of the host was instructed to pray for the dinner.

5 Yr Old:"But dad I don't know how to pray.

Host:"Just pray for your friends,family,the neighbours and the poor.

5 Yr Old: Dear Jesus, thank you for the neig...

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :(

Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.

Prayer before meals

Kid: Give us this day our daily bread.... With ham, egg, cheeze, french fries, salad on the side...

God: hey, kid. Are you praying or taking an order?

A drunk's prayer...

A drunk man was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he thought. "Let it be blood!"

An Irish prayer...

On a cold winter night; an older Irishman walks down the street using his prized glass flask of whiskey to keep warm. Just as he returns it to his back pocket he slips on ice and falls with a crunch. As he lay there assessing his injuries, he feels warm liquid running down his leg.

He clo...

Man Request Prayer In Church

Church begins and the preacher ask "Is there anyone who has a prayer request?"

A guy stands up and says "I need prayer preacher, it's for my hearing"

The preacher says "Come down to the alter son we will pray right now that it gets better"

So the church prays fervently over the ...

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Prayers

A lady was looking for a new pet since her Cockatoo died a few months back. Eventually she settles to buy a parrot and heads to an owner who had offered to sell his to her. After having her see the beautiful African Grey parrot, he told her that the bird only knew one phrase that was "I'm a prostitu...

A priest is doing prayers for people.

A man walks up to the priest and askes "Will you please pray for my hearing?"

"Of course", replies the priest, and proceeds to cup his hands over the man's ears and says a prayer.

When he's done praying, the priest askes the man, "Well, how's your hearing now?"

The man replies,...

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word f...

A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.

"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."

The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days."

The next morning, the priest requeste...

God answers dying boys prayer

God said no

Homeopathy and prayers work in the same way.

They don't.

One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.

He was deeply troubled by this so the next ni...

What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?

Three Days Grace

When I was just a little kid, I used to pray for a bicycle. Then as I grew older I learned in Sunday school, that's not how prayer works.

So I stole a bike...and prayed for forgiveness.

What’s the difference between a nun in prayer, and a nun in the bath?

One has hope in her soul, the other has soap in her hole.

Trump in his first speech after recovery from the coronavirus: "I wanna thank all of you for your prayers..."

Makes me wonder why. They obviously weren't answered.

Prayer has no place in the public schools

just like facts have no place in organized religion

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