A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

Where do Russian Muslims go to prayer?

Mosque O

She said to me, you're the answer to my prayers.

You're not what I asked for, but you're the answer.

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A Catholic girl's prayer...

“O Virgin Mother, thou who did conceive without sinning, teach me to sin without conceiving.”

In these trying times, we all need to put our differences aside and make a special prayer for President Donald Trump. I suggest Psalm 109:8 ...

... "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

Every night before bed, daddy tucks in his daughter and reminds her to say her prayers...

Every night, his daughter finishes her prayers with "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, and I love you grandpa."

Then one night, peculiarly, she says, "I love you mommy, I love you daddy, I love you grandma, goodbye grandpa"

"What?" says daddy.

"I just said ...

Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

I’ve started selling land mines disguised as prayers mats.

Prophets have been going through the roof.

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

Thoughts and prayers

I went to my pastor and asked him to pray for my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and prayed. Afterwards he asked, "how's your hearing?"

I replied, "it's not until next Tuesday"

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

God answer prayers of a paralyzed little boy

'No', says God

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

What is the difference between a nun at prayer and a nun in the bath?

When a nun is at prayer her soul is full of hope.

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagi...

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a rabbi are camping together

Around the campfire they each claim to be the best at winning converts to their respective faiths. To settle the friendly dispute they decide to seek out a bear and try to convert it. The next day they fan out in different directions into the woods, planning to meet back at the campsite in twelve ho...

Since Vampires are supposedly hurt by holy water, I always wondered why priests don't just say a prayer over every storm cloud, kill the vampires from above. Then I realized why so many Vampires are from Europe...

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

A young man walks into a drugstore to buy condoms.

The cashier says that the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, and 12. He asks the boy what pack he wants. “Well, I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, and I think tonight will be ‘the night’. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then going out. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. I...

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he fal...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

There's a flood. A guy has retreated all the way up to his roof. Another guy, in a boat, comes along.

"Hop in, I'll take you to safety." Says the guy in the boat.

"Nonsense! I have faith in God. He will bring me salvation." replies the guy on the roof.

A few hours later, the same guy returns, this time in a police speedboat

"Get in! The water's rising!" He yells to the guy on hi...

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

A man receives a phone call late in the evening...

He picks up the phone and there is a strange voice at the other end. The voice says “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in one year” he writes the call off as a prank.

But in six months, he gets another call. It says the same thing, “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in six months”. ...

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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A blonde is kneeling by her bed one evening, praying

"Lord, PLEASE, times are so hard right now for me. Please let me win the lottery."

A week later she's at it again, and a week later, and a week after that, her prayers getting more desperate and fervent.

Finally, a light shines down on her as she prays and a booming voice issues forth...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in...

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Dueling Prayers

I often practice my craps throwing the day before we head off to the casino; gives me an indication of how my real sessions will go. But the day before Cath and I headed out my game was terribly off. So I resorted to good old fashioned prayer. “Please God, oh please, help me to win. If not that then...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,



"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."



"What do they say?" the priest inquired..



They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" ...

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."



The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

A holy man was feeling distraught one morning, so he sat alone in his church praying to God for guidance...[long]

The Good Reverend had been giving into indulgence far too often lately; drinking wine, his Tuesday night Poker games, and sneaking peeks at those unmentionable places on the Interwebs.

It had started innocently enough, but the priest was getting carried away and the guilt was finally getting ...

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Two men are touring through a game park when they eventually come across a lion that has not eaten for many days

The lion starts hunting the two men. The men sprint as fast as they can until of them starts to tire and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He turns to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Overjoyed to see his prayer answered, he t...

My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of New Jersey :(

Nothing happened there. I just feel bad for anyone who has to live in New Jersey.

They say one of the symptoms of Coronavirus is lack of taste

Prayers up for everyone who thinks this is a funny joke format

The wife threw her back out. I hate doing this, but I’d appreciate any prayers you could send our way

Because there are Clothes in the Dryer.

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Pope is asked to change the prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

In a small American town, a band of squirrels had become quite a problem.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had tak...

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wron...

An electrician is contracted to do work in Africa

He works in Africa setting up the electrical systems for the schools and hospitals that a mission is helping build. During his work there he meets a pastor and they chat and eventually become friends. One day the electrician mentions to his friend the idea that the priest should say some prayers for...

Anyone wanna join my prayer group for woodworkers?

It's called "Oh, Ye of Whittle Faith."

How does a Jamaican close a prayer?

Ayy mon'

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

How do noodles end their prayers?

Ramen.

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to...

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

A man and his friend are playing golf at a local golf course one day.

The first man is about to putt when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next the the golf course. He suddenly stops mid-putt, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in prayer.
His friend looks at him bewildered and says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thin...

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?

Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”

They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr....

What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?

Three Days Grace

I just broke up with my girlfriend.

Please send THOTS and prayers.

One day a little girl was saying her prayers

She prayed "dear lord I pray for mommy and daddy but grandma's gonna die" Now her dad overheard this from the next room and thought it very odd but he went on with his business. Now the next day he got a call that the grandmother had infact died.

He was deeply troubled by this so the next ni...

God answers dying boys prayer

God said no

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

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A young man goes to confession

He says "Father, I have sinned."

The priest asks him "Tell me son, what have you done?"

The young man admits "I've just cheated on my girlfriend"

Priest "Oh, son, that's not good, but we all stray from God's path occasionally"

"But Father, that's not the worst of it. They...

A boy is praying with his family

A boy is praying with his family and at the end of the prayer he says goodnight mum, goodnight dad, goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa. His mum asked why he said goodbye and he says it just felt right. The next day grandpa passes away.

A few months later he is praying with his family agains ...

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"

The priest on boards says he can pray.

Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers...

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

God finally answer my prayers for winning the $15 million lottery.

The answer is no.

What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino?

In a casino, you really mean it.

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

Billions of prayers around the world are being answered tonight: World Peace!

As the United States government shuts down

4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.

1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.

1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.


1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.


1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this a...

What do you get when God stops answering your prayers?

The Holy ghost.

My wife asked me to pray for her mother's cancer, and to be fair, God answered my prayer.

She died.

What do you call it when you make someone say prayers all the time just because they’re Catholic?

A Confirmation bias

Prayer has no place in the public schools

just like facts have no place in organized religion

Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarcerati...

Evangelists don’t need health care.

They’re on the single prayer system.

Priest/Nun - Man/Wife

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the cemetery when their car breaks down.
The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sh...

I saw a guy out praying today

I listened close and overhead what he was saying: "Father, I approach thee in prayer today. Jugular, brachial, superior vena cava, renal, jugular..."

I stopped him right there and said "HEY! No vein repetitions."

Six Assassins Walk into a Bar

The first assassin is killed with a gunshot to the head by the second, who is in turn shot in the neck from the third assassin, who succumbs to a hole in the chest from the fourth, who bleeds out from a gun to the temple from the fifth, who gets executed by the sixth.

"W-what can I do for you...

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A daughter’s prayers

A father is listening to his daughter say her night time prayers.

"God bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The father thinks "huh, wierd" and goes to bed thinking nothing of it. the next day he receives a phone call that his father has died. Slightly cree...

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Two men and a wheel of cheese

Two men and a wheel of cheese (Long)

*** This joke is better said than read, but imagine the accents and it’s funny as heck (I think at least...)

A Mexican man is down on how luck. His hours were cut at work so he is having trouble making ends meet. Because he’s a man of faith, he de...

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs...

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God ...

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now!

There's nothing going on, I'm just a narcissist.

A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very mate...

One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting mor...

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A Girl's Prayer

Lord, before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, won't wait weeks.
I pray that he be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his ...

God answers prayers, trust me.

I prayed for a job, a car, and for lots of pretty girls. I now work as a bus driver in an all-girls school.

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3 nuns went to a village and stayed a night at a lodging house.

Because it was a small lodging house, there was only one pool where people took a

bath. So the owner told the nuns to take their bath first, then it would be

his turn. But at that time they were busy praying to God, and didn't hear

anything the owner said.

An hour later, ...

A son is asked to lead the family in a Christmas prayer at dinner

BOY: But I don't know how to pray

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: "Dear Lord" he started "Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighb...

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