A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Rick Astley would lend you his whole Pixar movie collection...

...because he's a nice guy. But he won't ask for them back because he knows they'll be Together Forever with You

My collection of meta knock knock jokes (on mobile so bad formatting)

Knock knock|who's there|hallucinations| hallucinations who? | (Walk away)
|||knock knock|who's there|sudden anxiety attack|sudden anxiety attack who?|Sorry am I talking too much?
||| Knock knock|Who's there|Your inability to focus|your inability to focus who|(mouth the words your inability t...

A friend lent me his movie collection...

I thought of watching Yesterday today, then 28 Days Later. Then I could watch The Day After Tomorrow, though that might be better tomorrow. I'd like to finish before sunrise. I haven't finished Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen Me Before You before, but I think I won't watch it; I'll watch It inste...

Someone broke into my house and stole my Dusty Springfield collection.

I just don't know what to do with myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate just rang me in tears. His wife has left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and satellite dish!

I pity the poor bastard

No Woman No Sky!

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

porno_collection.zip

\* sigh \* *unzips*

Where's the best place to store your leaf collection?

In your portfoliage

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

I almost completed my collection of herbs and spices today!

But i didn't have the thyme.

How much did the German, fistbump-loving, traditional baker charge for his coin collection?

Pump per nickel.

When I die, I’m leaving my vintage meme collection to my son.

My will will simply say “you’re the man now, dog”

I tried to publish my collection of short stories.

But the publisher said it wasn't exactly a novel idea.

Adam Levine Collection has a clothing line at Kmart

His clothes are half off there too

I got my wife a nice collection of themed gifts for our anniversary

I just need to figure out how to present them

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Here's a collection of the best/worst dad jokes I know.

"When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down."

"Why are skeletons always so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin."

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

"Why can't T rexes clap their hands...

How do churches split the collections?

A man goes to a Catholic church and says to the priest "Father, I was wondering, how do you decide how much of each collection goes to God and how much goes to you?" and the priest says "Come come, I'll show you." So the priest draws a circle on the ground and says "I throw the collection up in the...

Someone tried to steal my dyslexia music collection

I nearly lost my hits

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

What do you call an instigated collection of instruments?

An inclination of 1080p music

I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

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Holocaust Jokes Collection

Why did Hitler kill himself?

\- He got the gas bill

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Where was the highest concentration of Jews after world war 2?

\- The atmosphere

\--------------------------------------------------------------
<...

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my superman comic collection.

She said I have too many issues.

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : Yo...

Collection of joke that were retold countless times when I was younger.

A plane carrying bricks was flying northeast over a jungle when a brick fell out. Which direction did the brick fell in?

- Down.

&nbsp;

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

- Open the fridge.

- Put elephant in.

- Close the fridge.

&nbsp;...

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Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

The beastie boys have released a 5 part greatest hits collection.

Parts A, B, C and D are pretty easy to get.
But you have to Fight for your right to Part E.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

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A garbage man is doing his collections....

..... he sees that one house has not put their bin out front. He checks down the side of the house, it's not there, so he knocks at the front door. No answer, so he rings the bell, still no answer. He knocks one last time, waits and finally starts walking back down the path towards the street. But t...

my friend has a model fish collection

they are all to scale

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What do you call a Vietnamese woman who has a huge collection of letters?

A mail hoarder bride. I'll see myself out.

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What do you call an alcoholic with an extensive belt collection?

My fucking father.

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

My girlfriend asked if I was sad that I had to give up my bird collection...

I told her I have no egrets.

Trump has a new collection of neckwear coming out

Russian Mob Ties

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A collection of lightbulb jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just Juan

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just two but who knows how the...

I should have broken up with my boyfriend when he showed me his collection of Soviet memorabilia...

I mean, the red flags were right there in front of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Melvil Dewey, inventor of the Dewey Decimal system for organizing library collections, was known to be a serial sexual harasser.

Someone really should've put him in his place.

A man inherits a priceless coin collection...

from his deceased grandfather. One day a friend of the grandfather sees the grandson and asks him about the collection.

"Oh that? None of those coins worked in the laundromat, so I swapped each one of them for a shiny new coin at the bank." The grandson replies.

"You did what?!" The ol...

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What's worse than your mom finding you 'enjoying' your porn collection?

Finding your mom while 'enjoying' your porn collection.

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.

They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together.


They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on...

I have this friend who went to Yale.

I have this friend who went to Yale. Maybe you've met him? Really bushy beard, went back to school get a doctorate in sculpture? Anyway. He just gave me his entire collection of carved blackbirds. I was stunned because not only are these some of the most well-crafted sculptures I've ever seen, but h...

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Can you please tell me a rough value of your book collection?

Of course, $4600, you motherfucker

Why couldn't the geologist part with her rock collection?

It was sedimental.

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My collection of elephant jokes

**Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?**

A: Because they're *really* good at it

**Q: Why should you never walk in the jungle between five and six?**

A: Because that's when the elephants get out of the trees.

**Q: Why are there pygmies in the jungle?**
...

A collection of Radio Yerevan jokes

Radio Yerevan jokes were basically a pre-internet meme here in the former Eastern Bloc, which follow a simple QnA format and were often political, and here's a few of my favorites:

---

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union in the same w...

What do you call a collection of songs to hike to?

Trail mix.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”

She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” ...

My collection of cemetery jokes

Say them as fast as possible whenever passing a cemetery.

How many people are dead in the cemetery?
All of them.

Why is the cemetery so popular?
People are dying to get in it.

Why is the cemetery so loud?
All the coffin.

Take them with you, share them, enjoy them...

Why did the gymnast's account get sent to collections?

She had an outstanding balance.

My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.

Adios Omegas.

I love my guitar collection....

but one of the guitars is a bit different from the rest, I think he's a bit acoustic.

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a large collection of /r/jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold...

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"

Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."

Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."

Employee:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.

So a week layer the collector returns and meets the a...

A collection of Waspy jokes about yo-mamma

1. Your mother is so déclassé, she has a time-share
near Sea World!

2. Your mother is so prescription drug dependent,
she pops Xanax like Godiva bonbons!

3. Your mother is so lower middle-class, she thinks
Egyptian cotton smells of camels!

4. Your mother...

My rare penny collection isn't very wise...

It completely lacks common cents.

A Collection of "What do you Call"s

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Ideer!
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
*Still* no Ideer!
. . .
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhinoceros?
Elephino, but let's get away from that huge thing!
. . .
If you need explaining, ask...

My friend told me that he had a collection of small amphibians of the subfamily Pleurodelinae.

That's newts to me.

Why did the police officers take the man's dolphin collection?

For investigative Porpoises.

What do you call Venus Williams' collection of Pokemon?

The 'mons of Venus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

What's the difference between a collection and an addiction?

I don't have an alcohol collection.

A man's wife threw out his LEGO collection dating back to the 1970's.

She leaves him soon after. His son gathers a group of his friends to look around the house to cheer him up. . Soon the whole neighborhood joins in the effort. His father comes home and immediately panics.
"Son, what are all these people doing here?"
His son replies "We got some. but we're go...

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