What did Rick Astley say to a Pixar collector?

I'm never going to give you Up.

What kind of training to you need to become a garbage collector ?

None, you just pick it up as you go along

The Art Collector

An Art collector was being sued for $10 million. So he hired the best attorney he could find.

A few days into the case, the attorney calls the art collector on the phone.

He says, "Saul, I've got some good news and some bad news."

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful d...

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

I asked the local homeless guy what he thought of the rubbish collectors in this city.

He said, "They leave a lot to be desired."

What did the arts museum acquisitions director say to the cultural benefactor and collector of early Renaissance paintings?

S3ND NUD3S

Did you know that Rick Astley is actually a very generous person and an extensive movie collector?

It's true! He'll actually let you have just about any movie in his collection, with only one exception: The Disney/Pixar movie "Up." This particular movie is a favorite of his and he keeps it on a shelf so high that you actually have to get a ladder and climb it just to reach the movie. Be carefu...

Three engineers and three executives are on a train going to a convention.

The business men each buy three tickets and the engineers buy a single ticket.

The executives start snickering, "how are the three of you going to stay on the train with just one ticket?"

"Watch", says one of the engineers, and the three of them pile into one of the bathrooms.

...

Why does C++ have no garbage collector?

Because nothing would be left.

Garbage Collector

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well," said the...

My dad is an avid bottle collector.

Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

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A Soda Called Sup

Back in the 80's, the Coca-Cola company sold Sup, a combination of Sprite, 7 Up, and a secret ingredient that was never revealed. It was a beloved beverage that was unfortunately discontinued within a couple months and without any intention of going back on store shelves. People started buying Sup l...

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I just got my ass kicked by a British debt collector

Pound for pound, not very pleasant.

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor ...

"A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor and asked the woman who answered the door, "Is Fred home?"
"Sorry, Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the bill collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir. I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned the thir...

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A guy goes into a bar and sees an attractive woman at the bar.

He sends her a drink and she gives him a smile. He walks over to join her and sure enough, they hit it off. They talk for a while longer and she finally says, "Listen, why don't we go back to my place for a nightcap."

They get to her place and are barely in the door before they are kissing an...

A Brass Rat

A collector of brass objects was strolling around an old antique market when he spotted a long forgotten brass rat pushed into a far corner of one of the shops.

The purchase was soon made and the man departed. However, he hadn't gone too far when he noticed a rat running up behind him and wit...

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love,

the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychia...

A lawyer, garbage collector, and hair stylist sit down at a bar

The lawyer orders a shot of whiskey and drinks it right away. The garbage collector orders some tequila and downs it immidiatly. The hair stylist says "I don't do shots" and then quickly dies of polio.

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would ...

I have just applied for a job as a litter collector.

They asked if I had any relevant experience but I said I will just pick it up as I go along.

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

There was once a ticket collector in the bus

Every day he saw an old man boarding the bus at noon. One day, while the man was stepping on the bus, the collector stuck a foot in between and the old man fell and died.

The collector was called to a court and it was decided that he would get an electric shock to teach him a lesson.
The w...

What did the policeman say to the missing waste collector?

Where you bin man?

I feel sorry for comic book collectors.

They have so many issues

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A tax collector went to audit the local synagogue

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi.

"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box o...

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My friend is a car collector. [original]

My friend is a car collector. He has a huge garage full of beautiful cars from all around the world.
He invited me round to see the collection so it was a weekend afternoon I went over.
Some were preserved in their original condition but some have been modified by their owners.

The firs...

I used to be a rubbish collector.

Now I'm pretty good.

My relationship with a comic book collector didn't turn out well

They had a lot of issues

An honest lawyer, a wealthy garbage collector, a teenage girl who's oblivious to what others think of her, and Santa Claus are in an elevator. Who's in the elevator?

Only Santa Claus, the other 3 don't exist.

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

Why did the bill collector go after the gymnast?

Because he had outstanding balance

A TV license fee collector knocks on a door

And demands a fee from the owner of the house who happened to open the door.

The owner responds by saying he has no TV in the house. The collector responds, "You have a TV antenna on your roof, so you have a TV".

The house owner then invites the collector into the house and leads him ...

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An avid art collector wanted to add a new piece to his collection...

So he want to an artist's gallery and asked "my good sir, could you paint me a picture depicting Adolf Hitler's last thought?" After a few minutes of thinking the artist said "certainly. Come back in a week and I'll have it ready for you.

So a week layer the collector returns and meets the a...

A particle physicist met a quark collector...

... and discovered the latter, named Richard, had managed to get his hands on two of the most elusive quarks - the notorious up-quark and the sought-after down-quark.

Now the physicist was a bit of a connoisseur himself, and had managed to get his hands on all the four other quarks and their ...

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

What do comic book collectors use in their hair when they shower?

Mint conditioner.

A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer

A Soviet official in charge of collecting food from farms goes to a local farm and is greatly warmly by the farmer.

After some light hearted conversation, the official says, "Anyways, I am here to collect the potatoes you have grown."

The farmer replies, "Oh, yes. This has been a marve...

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

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Why do record collectors have bad sex lives?

They're always complaining about the 10" they don't have.

A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for,

Unfortunately it was missing a few key parts to get it up and running. He takes it to his mechanic. The mechanic says "you need some specific gear parts here - these cogs over here, you'll need two of them. You can only get them from this specialty parts dealer, and he's in California.

The...

A lawyer, a tax collector, a priest and a boyscout are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom and tells the passengers that the plane will soon crash. The pilot says that there are three parachutes available. The lawyer immediately reaches for the first chute bag he sees and jumps out of the plane. The tax collector is next putting a pack on and jumping o...

Did you hear about the refuse collector in Pakistan who died after carrying too much rubbish?

He was Bin Laden.

Three Accountants and Three Engineers [long]

Three accountants and three engineers were boarding a train. The three accountants each bought a ticket, and then noticed confusedly that the engineers only had one ticket between the three of them.

"How can three people travel on a single ticket?" asked the accountants.

"Watch," answe...

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World’s strongest man

The local pub was so sure that it’s bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the mone...

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Joe and Tim

Tim was a ticket collector in the bus...One day a heavily built guy named Joe entered and shooed him off.
This repeated for another two weeks. Pissed off, he started bodybuilding and in a month he had huge biceps
The next day Joe once again said,"Joe does not need a ticket"
"Why the f*ck d...

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

Terrible what they do these days

We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off.

Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

I hate people who can’t let go of the past

Debt collectors are the worst

Oversmart

A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable.

So he saunters casually into the store and offer...

Three Lawyers and Three Engineers were Traveling by Train to Conference

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.
"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three e...

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Did you know that gorillas prefer doggy style?

It makes my job as an ape sperm collector a real pain in the ass.

A homeless and one million dollars

(to a homeless)

\--What will you do if you are given one million dollars?

\--Oh, I will pay the collectors.

\--And the rest?

\--And the rest of the collectors will have to wait.

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

The Talking Horse

Once upon a time
There was a prince who wanted to marry a princess of a neighbouring country..

The king was known to have just one condition for this,
To impress him with something the proposer owned..

Many princes, kings and even a few renowned collectors failed to do so, and w...

I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store...

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel.

As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others.

I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he mus...

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Wheelie bin

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."


A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.

In the spirit of kindness a...

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."<...

A man gets a job on a train...

A man gets a job on a train. He starts off as anyone does, as a lowly janitor. He sweeps the floors, cleans the seats, and scrubs the windows. He doesn't get paid much, but he's a hard-working man, and does his job well. He's such a hard worker that eventually he gets promoted to ticket collector. H...

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I'm an old guy, and I fuck at least 3 super hot girls in their mid 20's every week

I'm a student loan collector

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3 guys in Heaven

3 guys get into Heaven. An angel greets them.
"Welcome to Heaven. You can have anything you want in here EXCEPT for your #1 indulgence when you were living on Earth. We may test your willpower so be careful."

The first guy was a huge classic car collector.
The second guy was ...

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Three explorers are in Egypt (long)

and they stumble upon some old ruins. In the ruins they find a big room, with three doors. The first explorer, Henry, goes up to the door and reads: "Who ever enters this door will die a fiery death." He doesn't believe in superstitions, so he goes through the door to find a long hallway. At the end...

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In the market for a new car...

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where...

So there are a group of engineers and a group of mathematicians heading to a conference

They are sitting on a train together when both groups spot the train's ticket collector coming down the aisle. Quickly two of the engineers scuttle into the washroom, leaving the mathematicians confused. After the collector stamps all the mathematicians tickets he approaches the washroom and knocks....

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