Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!

Magician: *waves hand* Done!

om: *holding a cup* It didn't work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you stick two Reese's Peanut Butter Cups together?

A Peanut Butter Pint.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...

I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."



Edit: Wow. Front page and reddit gold. Thanks everybody. :)



Edit 2: Wow. Reddit silver and more reddit gold. Thanks guys. :)

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was...

So I was at the Cup final and the guy sitting next to me had an empty seat next to him...

I asked why the seat was empty.
“Oh I had two tickets. One for me and one for my wife. But my wife recently passed away.”
“I am so sorry to hear that.” I responded sympathetically.
“Thank you” he replied.
After a few minutes I asked “why didn’t you bring a friend with you, I’m sure th...

Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Women’s National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in a cup

I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking

To make quicksand, all you need is 1 cup of maize cornflour and half a cup of water.

Let that sink in.

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If you think Alex Morgan’s tea cup celebration was distasteful,

You would have *really* hated the routine she had planned for Japan.

What does a Dutchman do when he's won the soccer world cup?

He turns off the game console and goes to sleep.

An indian (native American) drank 50 cups of tea.

Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One time during a flight the pilot said over the intercom "I could sure use a cup of coffee and a blowjob"

So then the stewardess goes bombing down the aisle to tell him it's on and I yell "Don't forget the coffee!"

–Good Will Hunting (1997)

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

A priest, a rabbi and an imam sit down for breakfast at Denny’s where they each order a grand slam and a cup of coffee.

They set aside their religious differences and bond over the hearth of American comfort food.

It’s just delightful.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

A homeless man walks into a cafe and asks for a cup of coffee.

The barista, taken aback by his appearance, tells him that he needs to pay for that coffee.

“How about this.”
and then he pulled a frog out of his pocket that started to beautifully play the piano.

The barista is amazed and offers him a cup of coffee on the house.
After a while, ...

I was at a car boot the other day, and saw a vintage cup with a hole in it

People were throwing prices around, like $250 and $300, but I don't think those prices hold any water.

What did the Universalist say when he saw that there was no drink in his cup?

"Hey! This cup is as empty as Hell!"

Grandpa notices a full cup of coffee being cold on the table at a family party, asks "who didn't drink that coffee?"

Everyone starts looking around with question marks in their eyes, I couldn't help myself...
"Everyone didn't drink the coffee"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

Rich people can have 5 cups of wine at lunch and they're all good

But when I get vodka for lunch, I'm "fired" and a "bad example for the students"

I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

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The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"



Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."...

When I drink a cup of coffee, I cannot sleep after.

\-Its the opposite for me

\-How?

\-Well, when i sleep, i cannot drink coffee...

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What do they call a cup of coffee in China?

A cup of Zhou

What did the egg say to the cup of boiling water?

Sorry it’s gonna take me a minute to get hard I just got laid by a chicken.

Most people are blaming FIFA for awarding Qatar the 2022 World Cup because of the Extreme Heat.

Well I am not worried about it because of the fans.

What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?

Uncertaintea.

An astronaut collapses into his chair after a long day of work inside the space shuttle. He decides to make a cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the space shuttle seems to be out of milk and so he goes to his companion to ask if he'd seen any.

Astronaut 1: "Hey, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut 2: "In space, no-one can. Here, use cream."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a kamikaze bomber blows up a chocolate peanut butter cup factory?

Reeses pieces

This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas.

It's called the Adventi.

Asking for a 'Cup of Joe' is a fine way to ask for a cup of coffee...

Unless you're at a sperm bank.

My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.

First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

What's the difference between the 2018 Fifa World Cup and 21 Savage?

Only one came home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

My friend got mugged yesterday

He had to call the cups

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a Tea tasting festival, the guy conducting said, the best way to enjoy a cup of Tea was to agitate the bag, so I went home.

And slapped her ass a couple of times.

I just googled "Superman football stats," and it didn't have his FA cup stats...

...just his league

Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?

Chamomile

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso

(Im bad at jokes)

Why do India never qualify for the world cup?

Because whenever they get a corner they open a shop.

So i poured my root beer in a square cup

and now its just beer

Did you ever hear the tale of the hero who saved the world using a cup of milk?

It was legendairy.

There once was a prisoner drinking vodka out of a coffee cup.

That was his mugshot.

Germany's failure in the World Cup wasn't that surprising

They have always struggled to progress in Russia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A mother always wakes up to a cup of coffee from her small child

A mother always wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 5 year old son. It is always the most bitter, disgusting coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her son to feel like he made something his mommy loved. At first he just made it because he loves her. Eventually he started...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I put a suction cup dildo on my bookcase for my wife

She slapped me and said "You can go fuck your shelf".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

Best One Liner of the World Cup So Far...

Let's face it... That's not the first time Germany has gone into Russia unprepared...

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

A king has 3 cups...

The first one is filled with water. The second one is filled up with water. The third one is empty.

What is the King called?





Phillip the 3rd

FIFA World Cup 2018

A frenchman alks down the street, where he bumps into an Englishman

The Frenchman asks: How are you, what are you up to?"

Englishman: " Ah, nothing much, playing the Croatians in the World Cup tomorrow!"

Frenchman: "What a coincidence...?! We're playing them on Sunday!"

During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly

"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kiwi man was in Australia for the Bledisloe Cup when he began to experience testicular pain..

So he went to see an Australian doctor and get some tests done.

Dr: "Your results are back sir and unfortunately they are not good. We are going to have to remove your testicles".

Kiwi: "Awwww no way bru! I'm going to git a sicond opinion!"

So the kiwi finds another Aussie docto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a sperm bank today

Me: Sorry, I drank the cup of milk on your table.

Sperm bank employee: What cup of milk?

Me: The one on your table.

Sperm bank employee: You asshole that was my cup of milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.

It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's always over far too quickly and when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Following England in the world cup...

Every time England play I try to get in the spirit so when they played Tunisia I had a kebab, when they played Panama I treated myself to a cigar, when they played Belgium I pulled out the chocolates, can’t fucking wait for this Colombia game!

I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning

I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in

What did the man who grabbed the wrong coffee cup say?

That's not my cup of tea.

What do you call an Englishman in a World Cup final game?

A referee

What did the Helsinki Summit have in common with the 2018 World Cup?

Nobody was playing for the USA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender "I bet $100 I can piss in that cup from across the room"...

The bartender looks at him like he's nuts and says with a laugh "Oh, ok buddy. You got yourself a deal." The mans walks across the room, pulls down his zipper and pisses all over the customers, the tables, the bar, everything except the cup. The man walks back over to the bartender who says, "Hahaha...

It's all soccer jokes now

What's the difference between England, and a teabag?...


Well, the teabag stays in the cup longer than England

Recently a robber stole 300 cups worth of coffee beans

How does he sleep at night.

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

Germany sets a new record in the world cups.

They arrive in Moscow with ten thousand men. 40 km further than the old record in 1942.

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

I don't reckon Germany will win the World Cup again

Historically speaking, they don't fight well when they head up to Russia.

The most dangerous thing about the World Cup being held in Russia

is ensuring the Kremlin doesn't eat after midnight

"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

What’s all this “World Cup” business?

I thought the world was flat.

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

RIP Starbucks

The man getting served in front of me at Starbucks asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas."

The guy was fuming.

"I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!" “This is B.S.” he raged.

"Fine! Just give me a darned latte!" He went and sat down, grumbling....

Now that Brazil is out of the World Cup they should go help the Thai kids stuck in that cave...

After all they're the world's most talented divers.

One for $1, three for $4

A man is walking up to a coffee stand to get his daily cup of coffee for $1, when he notices their new “special” where you can buy three cups for $4.

“I’d like a cup of coffee,” said the man, handing in a dollar bill.

He realizes he can cheat the system by buying two more cups of coffe...

My sister made me some coffee today

Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

England players visited a russian orphanage yesterday ahead of the world cup...

''It was heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope'' said Vladimir aged 6.

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

Why is Argentina struggling so much in the World Cup?

Their style of play is too Messi!

What do my bike and the world cup have in common?

Both were stolen from me by a group of Croatians.

Covert Russian Cameras Discovered In High Profile US Officials' Restroom Facilities

The cameras were disassembled, and found to be of Russian origin. Upon further investigation, they are found to be part of a Russian espionage/blackmail program, codenamed 'Operation VCUP'.

A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the World cup final game Sun 15th July He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! He is looking for someone to take his place

It's at Sheffield Town Hall at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook. Message me for more details.

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.

I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position. He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accomodation, a cook, good food, the internet,TV, I used to go to the gym,to the swimming pool, the library, everything" I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad...

I told my wife she makes a mean cup of coffee.

"Oh, thank you! Was it that great?" she asked.

I reminded I just told her it was average.

My wife just left me because I'm too insecure...

Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Do you know why an Asian teams can never win the soccer world cup?

...Every time a player gets a corner, he builds a shop

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