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Matches Jokes

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

Matches for sale

An Aberdonian man is selling matches on Kings Cross Station for 10p a box from the tray on a string round his neck . Each morning a man in a pin-stripe suit walks past and drops ten pence on his tray, day after day, but never takes even so much as a single match.

After six month of this, the...

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Why do soldiers carry Zippos instead of matches?

Because they are lighter.

Why do Pirates always win boxing matches?

They have a killer hook.

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk!

Why does everyone hang out with matches?

Because they're lit.

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.

I told her that I am looking for matches.

What do my clothes and tinder matches have in common?

Just because I'm inside them, doesnt mean I actually like them.

I think there is a bug in my Tinder app, I'm not getting any matches.

So I wrote an email to Tinder's tech support, but apparently they have the same issue.

Ebay needs to step their game up.

I searched for a cigarette lighter and 15,000 matches came up.

They say that one tree can make a million matches.

I wonder if this is true. Since I disguised myself as a tree on Tinder, I don't make any matches at all.

One day, Billy was playing at home with some matches.

Even though his mother had told him not to. He accidentally set the house on fire, and he and his mother fled outside. As the house was burning down, his enraged mother said,

"Boy, your dad is going to spank you when he gets home".

But Billy just laughed; he knew his dad had come home ...

African Grey Parrots are famously intelligent, but studies have shown that they consistently lose chess matches against ravens, jackdaws, and other corvids.

Said one researcher, "They just have trouble weighing the crows and pawns."

I love the smell of blown out matches...

Chile vs Mexico was a real treat!

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

My girlfriend told me she loses Mortal Kombat matches on purpose.

She said it's the only time I finish her.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

A juggler, and the police....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it."

The juggler ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 out 5 forest fires are started by people...

Which scares the shit out of me. Because that means somewhere out there is a bear that knows how to light matches.

You're stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, and only three matches. How do you escape?

Strike one, strike two, strike three, and you're out.

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much, and some matches postponed, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

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