UPJOKE
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Upper Jokes

Why were the upper arm, and the forearm kicked out of school?

The were found sharing a joint.

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

A lot of women watch “Fixer Upper”...

...and think they can apply it to an industrial painter with multiple felonies.

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To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

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A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he migh...

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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

Why did the communist spell his name without an upper-case letter?

Because he hated capitalism

An upper-class Englishman is going through his household accounts.

After a moment he looks up and says to his wife, "you know, darling, if you learnt how to prepare meals properly, we could spend less on the chef."

His wife replied, " And if you knew how to screw properly, we could get rid of the chauffeur."

I made a joke about the bone of my upper arm

It was humerus

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

i don't agree with the usage of upper case letters

i'm an anti-capitalist

What's the difference between the holocaust and the excess fat under a woman's upper arms?

You can make a joke about the holocaust.

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

Fixer-Upper

A newlywed couple moves into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he ...

The gynecologist down the street is selling the upper floors of his practice...

...He only works in the downstairs area anyway...

What do you call it when you reprimand upper case letters?

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

Why doesn't the Russian alphabet have upper case letters?

Because they're anti-capitalists.

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.

Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.



P.S. My dad told me this today.

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

John gets hired for an Upper Level Management position at a large company.

This is the first time he's had an office, a desk phone, and a secretary. Eager to try out his new toys, he dials up his secretary and yells, "Get me a cup of coffee ASAP!".

The voice on the other end is silent, then responds "Do you know who I am? I'm the CEO of this company you fool!"
<...

What do you call a bunch of upper-class British gentlemen bereft of donkeys?

Assless Chaps.

Why don't upper class men wash their own clothes?

Because the washing powder is a deter-gent.

My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh..

And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea.

What do you call when two soldiers with both upper limbs lost and are still fighting one another?

An unarmed conflict

My girlfriend has a tatoo of a shell on the inner side of her upper leg

If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

How many "one-uppers" does it take to change a lightbulb?

5 but I have seen it done with four.

My dad said there's a throbbing pain coming from the facial hair above his upper lip.

It mustache.

Which wizard can help you tone up your arms and upper body?

Dumbbelldor.

What do you call the upper eighth of a lime for sale?

A top-of-the-lime model.

A distinguished lady from the upper class goes to the gynecologist with her daughter.

After the consultation she tells the doctor: "I'd like to know if my daughter's flower has been touched". "Not only that" , the doctor replies, " but the whole vase is shattered!"

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

Husband vs Bull

A woman who lived with her husband on a large farm was recovering in hospital following an operation.

“The operation went well”, the doctor informed her, “and I think you're ready to go home. But make sure you get plenty of rest. No work or strenuous activity for the next week.”
...

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

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The other night I made myself a cocktail with whiskey, vermouth, bitters, and Adderall.

I call it an Upper Manhattan.

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

"I wanna see Natalie"

The lady looks the man up and down, he c...

An endangered penguin escapes from its habitat, and manages to get into a swordfish tank.

The aquarium staff begin to freak out as the swordfish begins to attack the penguin, but their fears are dispersed as the penguin manages to get the upper hand, and beat back its assaulter.

As the staff look on in stunned silence, one turns to the other. "I guess it's true, the penguin is mi...

First attempt at writing a joke!

I started a new job this week.

On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.

Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.

In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a hors...

Call it a hunch...

But I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

I came across a guy changing his tire on the side of the road

So I stopped to help him, his lug nuts were on super tight, so we both pushed on the tire iron with our full weight, which was a mistake, you see, because i lost my balance, and fell hard, with an audible snap!

“Oh my God! My arm I broke my f-ing arm!”

“Which bone?” He asked me, as he ...

An American and an Englishman

On a train from London to Manchester an American was lecturing the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"The trouble with you English is that you’re too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

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There are 3 Vampires hanging out in the woods…

The first vampire tells the other 2 “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s have a competition between the three of us to see who is the best at sucking blood!”

Since they have nothing to else to do, the other two vampires think it is a good idea and agree to the competition.

After that, the firs...

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Paddy's last will...

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

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Little Johnny was bathing with his mother

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Johnny, those are my breasts,”

As she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?”

She replies “Johnny, that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he s...

A woman in hot air balloon realized she is lost...

She reduced altitude & shouted to a man below: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend to meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.

Man below replied: You are in hot air balloon 30 feet above the ground. You are at 41 degree North latitude & 59 degree West longitude....

This joke is a little crude, but...

In the early 1700s, two upper-class British gentlemen are celebrating Christmas together and giving each other gifts. The first man gives the second a fine golden pocket watch with impeccable craftmanship, a pristine and delicate item for only the wealthy. When it comes time for the second gentleman...

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down o...

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Two construction workers were on a construction site

One of them is working on the ground before the building and the other one is up in the highest floor.
The one on the ground yells at the upper one that he needs the saw which the upper worker is using.
But the upper worker tells him in sign language that he can‘t hear him down there.
So th...

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the...

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

It's easy to pick up any girls

You just need to have upper body strength

So, I heard Bounty, the maker of paper towels, has decided to get into the Male Enhancement business...

..their new slogan? The Quicker Pecker Upper.

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

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