A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

My dog can lick his own genitals but I'm not impressed by that because I can do it too

It actually quite easy for me to lick his genitals

I told my girlfriend to lick the tip.

Then the waiter came over and asked, "Why are these coins wet?"

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Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy...

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name is Randy.

My daughter asked me if she could lick the bowl.

I told her she had to flush like everyone else.

What is it called when you lick a flashlight beam?

A light snack.

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

The only thing you can lick in the mirror

is the mirror

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Guys, today I finally mustered up all my courage to lick my girlfriends pussy...

I’m still bleeding from where it scratched me...

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

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Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ear for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

We don’t lick people.

...Lies adults tell children.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

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My friend and I were watching my dog lick his balls and he said "I sure wish I could do that"

I said you better pet him first he's kinda mean.

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A friend asked me if I'd lick his dog's asshole for $10000

I said that's a very tempting offer, but unfortunately I don't have $10000.

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

Why did the walrus lick the envelope?

Because he was looking for a good seal.

A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
...

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I told my gf to give me a blowjob like that Tootsie pop commercial, "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop?"

I'm currently being rushed to the hospital and as of now the world may never know.

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

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Licenced To Lick

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
...

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Lick That!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared l...

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

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A gambler gets audited by the IRS

The man walks in to see the auditor with his lawyer and sits down. The auditor says "you claim to have made around $10 million last year through gambling and frankly, we don't believe you"
The man says "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!"
The auditor replies "go ahead" so th...

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Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.

Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

Do you know why your dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

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A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops h...

I always used to ask my mom if I could lick the bowl...

... She'd always say "No! Just flush it like a normal person!"

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

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It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it...

I get arrested for bestiality.

So my cat can lick his balls. And that's fine.

But when I do it, suddenly it's gross and they call me zoophile

NSFW You lick it, aim it, and put it in. Yet I fail miserably every time.

Sewing is very hard sometimes.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

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What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girls arsehole?

You know its wrong but sooner or later your going to lick it.

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Jimmy and the "Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick"

Jimmy goes to see a beautiful dominatrix that all his buddies recommended.

He nervously tells her, "My friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything about it. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you na...

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans?

Because they'll bite us!

Feel free to steal all of my jokes...

Just know that I lick every one before I post them!

It's funny how dogs can lick their own balls...

it's so hard for me to do that, they start barking at me before i get anywhere near them.

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

Late Night

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. ...

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What do 9 volt batteries and butt holes have in common?

You know you shouldn't, but one day you're probably going to try licking one.

"If there are 5 birds sitting on a tree branch...

And a hunter shoots 2, how many will there be left?" Is what teacher Karen asks Johnny.

Johnny: 0, because all birds will fly away when they hear gunshots!

Karen: Well no, actually it's 3 but I do like your reasoning.

Johnny: Okay, so now I've got a question for you. There are 3...

they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

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hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

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