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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer, it's "art" and "music."

But when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot.”

Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.

One guy says, “I wish I could do that.” The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.”

My girlfriend told me she would lick my bumhole on the flight if I stop talking about my favourite Bethesda game.

I can't wait for my Skyrim.

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them

My surgeon friends disagreed

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

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Friend of mine saw a dog licking his own balls and asked me if I wished I could do that myself.

I said yeah, but I’d be afraid the dog might bite me!

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick her candy

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock

Because Jill's real name was Randy

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she growled angrily. “Sorry, force of habit.” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

"Why doesn't KFC have toilet paper?"

"It's finger lickin' good"

A man walks in to a bar

And sees an ugly old humpback of a guy, who is constantly surrounded by women.

“How to spot a millionaire, am I right? ” he winks and smiles at the bartender

“No, Larry is a plumber, not a millionaire”

“Okay - so he must be extremely charming?”

“Larry is actually a ma...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an elevator

On the floor is a puddle of white liquid.

The brunette takes a close look at the puddle. "Looks like cum" she says.

The redhead leans down and smells the puddle. "Smells like cum" she says.

The blonde puts her finger in the puddle, then licks her finger. "Not anyone in this buil...

If ponies like salt licks what do pirate ponies like?

G’Arrlics!

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Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, ‟That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I am a gonna go over there and help.” He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head...

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Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...

Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman’s dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him. ...

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Jimmy Carter, a president, invited Leonid Brezhnev to the White House for an evening of the usual state activities.

As part of the entertainment, Carter invited Brezhnev to sit down at the official White House piano and play a dirge of the Volga or the Fall of Leningrad. As Brezhnev sat down to play, he could not help but notice a red button at the end of the keyboard.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, he...

Kid: Mommy can I lick the bowl?

Mommy: don't be gross, flush it like everyone else.

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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

I saw my old friend enter the bar

I saw my old friend enter the bar after 2 long years. Ever since he got married he hasnt shown his face around here so i was quite surprised to see him again. I asked him whats the occasion and he responded:

“So my wife actually banned me from going here, she says that she doesnt like my frie...

If companies made toasters.

If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You w...

To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to suck it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it...

Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

Teacher asks her class, "If there's 14 crows on a fence and you shoot 2 off, how many are left ?"

One little boy says, "None, the shotgun scared them all away." Teacher says, "That's not the answer I was looking for but I like the way you're thinking." Boy says to teacher, "I have a question for you." "There's 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 is licking, 1 is sucking, 1 is biting. Which one is ...

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Autopsy professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and...

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

What religion are cats?

There cat-lick

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One Upon A Time Up The Dirt Track...

Two rocks are lying side by side on a dusty track. The first rock says to the other, ‘the strangest thing happened to me this morning; a man was walking up the track and he stopped and started looking intently at me, as if he was visually gauging my grain size and colouring.”

“That is strange...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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I'm sick of all these double standards... (NSFW)

When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody batts an eye... but when I do it, people are like "what the hell are you doing to your dog?"

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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Two tigers were strolling through the woods, one behind the other.

The one at the back suddenly paced forward, and gave a quick lick to the other's butthole.

"Hey! Cut it out!!???" It snapped looking back. The tiger at the back immediately apologised and they continued walking.

After a little while this happened again. This time the one in front turne...

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A man walks into a bar.

He sees an old man with his dog at the bar.


The dog was grooming himself and licking his penis.

The guy said o the dog's owner, "I wish I could do that".


The owner said "If you throw him a biscuit he might let you"

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Old Jewish man

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.


He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"


"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.


He turns around, runs ar...

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Cake day joke

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks,


“What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away.

So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises...

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My friend came over to visit the other day.

He saw my German Shepherd in the corner licking his balls and said "boy...I sure wish I could do that."

I said "well you should probably pet him first, he can be pretty mean."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid ...

A man walks into a bar

And sees a dog by the fireplace licking its balls.
The man goes to the bar and orders his drink and says to the barman while pointing his thumb towards the dog and says “ha, I wish I could do that”
The barman replies “give him a biscuit and he might let you”

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Why do cats stick one leg straight up in the air when they lick their anus?

Interviewer: No, I meant any questions about the job?

Good moms let their kids lick the whisk blender

Even better moms turn it off beforehand.

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Grandpa and Grandson are on the porch (Long)

Grandpa and grandson are on the porch. The grandpa is smoking a cigar. The grandson asks “ Grandpa, can I have a puff of your cigar?”

Grandpa replies “Well does your dick touch your asshole?”

The grandson is confused but replies “No.”

“Well then you can’t have a puff!”

...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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Three woman are talking about having sex...

First woman says “My husband licked my pussy for the first time it months last night, it made my whole night”

Second woman says “Oh my husband and I had our first 69 yesterday morning, it made my whole day”

The third woman says “Well you’re lucky, me and my husband tried anal last nigh...

My wife gets mad when I lick the bowl

"Knock it off! The kids are watching you for God's sake...

... Just flush it like a normal person!"

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First year students of a medical college are waiting for their first class

The most senior professor entered the classroom with a naked dead body of an old man on a stretcher lying butt upwardse

"I would like to tell you that to become a great doctor you must have these two qualities" said the professor

The second quality is "you must never feel disgust about...

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Two Englishmen are walking down the road when they see a dog licking it's own testicles

One of Englishmen say

"Golly, I wish I could do that"

The second bloke responds

"That's odd. You don't know him well enough to do it"

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

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Pedro and Juanita

Pedro and Juanita are running a cantina in Mexico. One day Pedro having a siesta and Juanita is looking after the bar.



One of the patrons is getting very drunk on tequila and he says "Hey Juanita, I want to kiss you all over your body."



Juanita says "Pees off you peeg."...

Licking the frosting

One day a little girl and her mother are riding in the car. The mother is driving past the park and the girl points out a couple under a blanket. The Girl asked her mother what the people under the blanket were doing so the mother replied “They are baking a cake”. Later that night the family is fl...

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

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My wife and I have had our dog for years now...

He’s really part of the family.

Although we don’t have kids, my wife even likes to joke around and call him our “son”.

But that’s a bit much for me, because i’d never let any son of mine lick peanut butter off my nutsack.

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Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally I think it’s nuts.

I told my girlfriend to lick the tip.

Then the waiter came over and asked, "Why are these coins wet?"

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

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A Grandpa and his Grandson go for ice cream.

The grandpa takes him to a special ice cream store and says:


"Here, this is a pussy flavored ice cream cone."


The grandson takes a couple licks.


"Grandpa, this tastes like shit."


"Son, you're taking too big a licks."

I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt...

Damn mosquito!!!

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals.

The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”



The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to g...

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A group of people were in a lift

and one person notices a stain on the wall.

"Is that... Is that semen?!", she exclaims.

A blonde goes over to have a look. She takes a sniff. She pokes it with her finger. She then licks a bit of it to taste it.

"It is semen", she says, "but... Hmm... It's not anyone from *this*...

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley

when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, “Man, I really wish I could do that.”

His friend responds, “I don’t know, you’d better pet him and see if he’s friendly, first.”

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

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Two men are walking on the sidewalk.

One of the two men stops the other.

-Be careful ! There is dog shit right there.

-You’re wrong, it is not shit.

-Yes it is.

-No it’s not ! You know what ? I’m going to prove it.

The man sticks his finger in the brownish thing and licks it.

-Oh you were right...

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Three blondes are in an elevator

Conversing as they ride to their office on the top floor when they notice a peculiar stain on the wall.

The first one leans down to inspect it closer and says "I think this is cum!"

The second one leans down for a closer look and takes a sniff and says "I think your right, it smells li...

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

Every lunch hour Barry picked up a can of dog food at the deli,

went across the street to a park bench, and ate the whole can with evident gusto. A doctor who happened to pass through the park regularly couldn't help noticing Barry's behavior and finally couldn't resist offer. ing some advice. "I'm an internist," he explained, "and I think you should know tha...

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

Do you know why dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

So the other day, I was curious what would happen if I licked a wall outlet...

So I did it...



Needless to say, I was shocked.

I have a stalker.

A family member who’s moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I’m half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I’m trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of licking my t...

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A farmer and his drinking buddy are sitting on the porch...

It's a hot day, and both men are having a beer while boredly watching the farmer's hound dog lick his balls.
**Drinking buddy**: He he. Ya know, I wish I could do that, I'd have a whole lot of fun...


**Farmer**: Oh yeah? You go ahead and try, I bet he bites the shit out of you.

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Guys, today I finally mustered up all my courage to lick my girlfriends pussy...

I’m still bleeding from where it scratched me...

The Talking Cat (Original)

Two French brothers are out fishing when one hooks something on his line. After a lot of huffing and puffing by the two of them, they pull up a small wooden chest. They open it, and inside there is a small tabby cat with a note that says "This is a magical talking cat. Please take care of him."...

Two men head back after a day of hunting.

As they get close to their cabin, they see a bloodhound on the porch obviously enjoying licking his genitals. The first man says. “I wish I could do that!” The second man says, “Go ahead, it’s your dog!”

A man is caught licking the outside of a tavern.

A police officer asks him what he's doing.

"Waitin' to get arrested, officer," he slurs. "If I'm gonna get charged with something, I wanna deserve it."

"What are you talking about?" the officer replies.

"I've been arrested 3 times this month, and I've agreed with the charges of...

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

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A man goes to the doctors with a swollen tongue...

.... he says “docther, I cant even schpeak properchkly”

The doctor says “I have the same condition and when I gets like this I go straight home and lick my wife’s vagina for an hour and the tongue goes back to normal and she loves it”

A few days later the man comes in and his tongue is...

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A joke about explorers.

Three men are exploring the jungle and are quickly caught by natives. The leader of the natives asks the first explorer:
“What do you do for a living?”
He replies “Im a butcher”
The natives drop down his pants and cut off his dick with a cleaver.
The leader asks the second one the same q...

A man is concerned that the pain in his side may be serious, so he goes to his doctor's.

After a brief examination, the doctor asks the man to lie on the examination table. The man does so as the doctor leaves the room.

While the man is lying there, a dog and cat enter the room. The cat jumps into the man's chest and stares at him while the dog licks each of his hands. Shortly...

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

Marsha the Math teacher was.....

..giving a lesson on subtraction. She calls on Johnny the juvenile in the back of the room for an answer:

"Johnny, let's say there are 5 birds on a wire and you shoot 1 of them with your BB gun, how many birds are left?"

Johnny replies "0"

Confused, she asks for an explanation ...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

The class was learning about subtraction and the teacher calls on little Johnnie to solve a problem.

“Johnnie, suppose there are five birds sitting on a fence together and you throw a rock at one of them. How many are left?”

Johnnie ponders the question for a moment and finally replies enthusiastically: “Zero!”

The teacher frowns. “How did you arrive at that answer?” She asks.
...

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon.

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