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Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy...

But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock, because Jill's real name is Randy.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Do you know why dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
Th...

You know why a dog licks his balls?

Your Mom was busy.

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

The only thing you can lick in the mirror

is the mirror

What is it called when you lick a flashlight beam?

A light snack.

Daughter: Can I lick the bowl, Mommy?

Mother: No you little freak, get back in there and flush like everyone else.

I just watched a broke, fat dude lick pizza grease from his shirt for 10 minutes straight.

I need to stop eating in front of the mirror.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse a man is to lick his ear for 10 minutes.

Personally, I think it’s nuts.

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

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My friend and I were watching my dog lick his balls and he said "I sure wish I could do that"

I said you better pet him first he's kinda mean.

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What is the difference between a stamp and my balls ?

My balls don't need to be licked to be sticky

We don’t lick people.

...Lies adults tell children.

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Guys, today I finally mustered up all my courage to lick my girlfriends pussy...

I’m still bleeding from where it scratched me...

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Two guys are sitting on the porch watching the dog lick his balls

Guy: Man, some days I really wish I could do that also.
Friend: You probably can, just make sure to pet him first

Why does a dog lick his balls?

Because you can't make a fist with a paw

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy asks his mom if he can lick the bowl this time...

“No, you retard! Just flush like a normal person!”

(Wow! This is crazy. This was just a shitty joke I read in captain underpants 8y ago. The most I’ve ever gotten is 75 upvotes. Thank you soooo much!)

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

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A friend asked me if I'd lick his dog's asshole for $10000

I said that's a very tempting offer, but unfortunately I don't have $10000.

First impression (NSFW)?

A guy meets a girl at a bar, and they're having a good time. So, they decide to head over to his place. As he is about to open the door, she takes a step back and looks at him.

"What are you doing looking at me like that?"

"Oh, I can tell a lot about how a man makes love by how he open...

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Sure... when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer it's "sexy" and "art"

But when I do it I'm "drunk" and need to "get out of Home Depot"

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

Why did the walrus lick the envelope?

Because he was looking for a good seal.

A young boy enters a barber shop..

...and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
...

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it’s “art” and “music”

But when I do it I’m “drunk” and “ruining the wedding”

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I told my gf to give me a blowjob like that Tootsie pop commercial, "How many licks to the center of a Tootsie pop?"

I'm currently being rushed to the hospital and as of now the world may never know.

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

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A minister wants to lick his queen's bosom

He asks Tenali Raman to help him achieve this desire. Tenali says he will help him out, but only for a fee. The minister pays him half the gold then and promises the rest once his desire has been fulfilled. Tenali agrees.

Tenali goes to the palace washerman, bribes him and gets him to put a s...

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Licenced To Lick

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
...

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I don't lick people who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.

*like

Fucking hell, autocorrect.

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Lick That!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.

"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.

"That's nothing!" declared l...

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A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

Do you know why your dog licks his ass?

Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gambler gets audited by the IRS

The man walks in to see the auditor with his lawyer and sits down. The auditor says "you claim to have made around $10 million last year through gambling and frankly, we don't believe you"
The man says "I'm a great gambler and I can prove it!"
The auditor replies "go ahead" so th...

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Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.

Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That show...

NSFW You lick it, aim it, and put it in. Yet I fail miserably every time.

Sewing is very hard sometimes.

My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon.

The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I coul...

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It's amazing, when a dog licks its own arse it's perfectly normal. But when I do it...

I get arrested for bestiality.

So my cat can lick his balls. And that's fine.

But when I do it, suddenly it's gross and they call me zoophile

I always used to ask my mom if I could lick the bowl...

... She'd always say "No! Just flush it like a normal person!"

This is really my meanest joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girls arsehole?

You know its wrong but sooner or later your going to lick it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think it's bullcrap how Miley Cyrus can get naked, lick a sledge hammer, and people call it "art" and "music".

Yet when I do it, I'm "wasted" and " have to leave Home Depot".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Not my joke, heard it at work today.

A hunter was hunting ducks up in Maine. He had successfully bagged 3 beautiful ducks, threw them in his canoe, and started paddling down the river. When he got back to his campsite, a game warden was there waiting for him.

Warden: "Well it seems like you got lucky today. Why don't you hand o...

Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans?

Because they'll bite us!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jimmy and the "Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick"

Jimmy goes to see a beautiful dominatrix that all his buddies recommended.

He nervously tells her, "My friends said I should ask you for a 'Classic-Vlasic-Ass-Lick'. But they wouldn't tell me anything about it. What is it exactly?"

She explains, "Well, first I'm going to strip you na...

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Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops h...

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Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

It's funny how dogs can lick their own balls...

it's so hard for me to do that, they start barking at me before i get anywhere near them.

Late Night

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do 9 volt batteries and butt holes have in common?

You know you shouldn't, but one day you're probably going to try licking one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him?

grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and withi...