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Amphetamine Jokes

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine
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Who calculates the price of amphetamines?

A Methematician
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Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.
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What do you call Mike Tyson on amphetamines?

Methed Up.
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Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.
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An F1 racer gets addicted to amphetamines.

He soon felt the *need* for *speed*
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WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case
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Did you know there is a dating website for amphetamine addicts?

Speeddating.com
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Tom Cruise was carrying amphetamine when he was mugged.

When the ambulance arrived the paramedic examined Tom Cruise and determined he was winded by a swift knee to the solar plexus.

The police officer wrote in his file: "The victim, Tom Cruise, got kneed for speed."
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Had to take a drug test at work today. They said they found Opiates. I told them it was probably the poppy seeds on my bagel.

But then they asked about the THC, meth amphetamines, cocaine, and hallucinogens. Told them it was an everything bagel.
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Have you heard about the calculus professor who tried some bad amphetamines and ended up believing he was a moth?

It’s the old meth math moth myth.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...
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Jesus sees that planet earth is going to Hell in a hand basket because too many people are using something called drugs...

He wishes to know about this, so he calls His Apostles and tells them that they all have to go down to Earth to see for themselves what is going on and then come back to Heaven and report back to Him.

The Apostles go to different places on Earth and after some time, they come back to report w...
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