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Meth Jokes

My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.

What do you call a princess that does meth?

Disney on ice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

What’s a meth addicts favorite game?

Need for speed.

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

How well-fed are Meth Babies?

Pseudo-fed.

Why do meth heads like Halloween so much?

Just 2 more sleeps 'til Christmas!

Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!

What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

What do the Cleveland Browns and a Meth addict have in common?

They will both suck for 4 quarters.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

What do you call a group of meth heads?

A full set of teeth.

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

My friend asked me if I did meth

I said “ Nah man Adderall is more my speed”

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.

Why couldn’t the meth cross the road?

Because it fell into a pot hole

If Walter White made weed instead of meth...

It would be called Breaking Bud.

True story from Brimfield Ohio; Brimfield Police Department Conversations with a meth cook....

Suspect: "I didn't mean to make meth."

Chief: "You didn't mean to make it?"

Suspect: "No. I was just trying to make smoke."

Chief: {Dumb look}

Suspect: "I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."

Chief: "Okay....You were trying to scare someon...

How do you circumcise a trailer park meth dealer?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why did they name it "Meth"?

because you can still ask your dealer for Meff when you have no teef

I think my parents might be meth heads.

The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.

What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap hooker doing meth in a motel?

About 6 months.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

Why don't blondes smoke meth?

They don't know what ampheta means...

What is the quickest way for a meth head to lose 70lbs

Break up with his girlfriend.

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

Whats the difference between a crack head and a meth head?

A crack head will steal your wallet. A meth head will steal your wallet and spend 20 minutes helping you find it.

Joys of Meth

What's the best part of being a Meth-head on Halloween?



....it's only 3 more sleeps till Christmas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

Meth

Not all as good as it’s cracked out to be.

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

I met two meth heads at a restaurant today.

They were speed dating

I'm doin' meth

I just remembered the cubic subtrection formule

I've lost 25% of my meth

Meh

I don't take meth anymore, I have a future.

And you don't mix uppers with downers.

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

What do you call a meth-addicted bear with a chainsaw?

*TERRIFYING*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why doesn't Mike Tyson do drugs?

Cause that shit will meth up your life.

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

After several visits to the doctor's I've finally been referred to rehab for spending all my days smoking drugs and looking up jokes about cheese.

Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes.

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half meth lab.

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

How many Meth-Heads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to hold the lightbulb and Two to smoke till the room spins!

What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

Did you hear about the meth head horticulturalist?

She made a rock garden.

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

Why did the in visib hell man stop with meth school ?

Him can no count on fingers

Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32

It's simple meth

An old man and his son loved to do the gardening together.

There was an old man who loved doing the gardening with his son, every week they would get together and do the gardening.

One day the dad is diagnosed with lung cancer, not got long left to live. So the son decides that to raise money to pay for treatment he starts to sell drugs. Weed meth co...

Why did Aaron Paul do such a good job portraying Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad?

Because he’s a meth-head actor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursua...

Winter is Coming...

I just saw 2 meth heads carry a space heater out of a pawn shop.

The allergies from pollen are so bad this year...

drug addicts are converting their meth back into Sudafed.

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts.

They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching a presidential debate with a friend.

Republican: I am going to smoke crack and burn down all the houses in your hometown.

Democrat: I will also burn down all the houses in that same town, but I will smoking meth, not crack.

Third party rep: I don’t do drugs and disavow arson.

Me to my friend: “I think I’m going to ...

Did you hear about the junky with a lisp?

Said he was methed up.

I don't believe in superstitious stuff, but these crystals I bought a week ago have been amazing.

I've been happier, more focused, and even started losing some weight.

Plus, I'm good friends with the guy selling them and I got them pretty cheaply.

Not only that, but he was nice enough to throw in a glass pipe to smoke the meth with.

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

If I were to become a drug dealer, I'd partner up with Mike Tyson.

That guy can really make a meth.

What does a drug dealer says at the end of the year?

Merry cryst meth!

What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3?

That's the wrong hole that's the wrong hole



Context: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

When I was a kid, I saw Finding Nemo on Ice.

That was my first time doing meth.

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