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A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving?

The Police.

What do you call a princess that does meth?

Disney on ice

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Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives?

because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.

What does a meth head want for Christmas?

Their two front teeth.

What’s a meth addicts favorite game?

Need for speed.

How well-fed are Meth Babies?


How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

Even though my girlfriend is addicted to meth, I still love her.

She's so beautiful. Those lips, those eyes, that tooth.

How do meth addicts pay for their habit?

The tooth fairy.

Why do meth heads like Halloween so much?

Just 2 more sleeps 'til Christmas!

My dad dropped his meth pipe.

Now he has a crack pipe.

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I did meth and masturbation for one year, but now I'm clean.

Just washed my hands.

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Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the two guys...

What do the Cleveland Browns and a Meth addict have in common?

They will both suck for 4 quarters.

As a child of a meth addict, I want you to know you can make DIFFERENT CHOICES from your parents

I prefer heroin

I recently quit smoking meth

I've been having vivid dreams of using again. the upside is it's a free high with no real life consequences, the down side is, now I'm addicted to sleep.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

What's the difference between math and meth?

I was never good at math

Why couldn’t the meth cross the road?

Because it fell into a pot hole

What do you call a tweaker (meth addict) who goes to church?

A Crystal Methodist.

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

Why do they call it meth?

Becoth it makths a meth of your teeth...

I snorted coke and meth, smoked four blunts, and injected heroin today...

...and this guy at the auction house is STILL saying im not the highest bidder.

Meth: All the energy of cocaine...

... with none of the teeth!

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

If Walter White made weed instead of meth...

It would be called Breaking Bud.

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What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?

Someone's losing a trailer.

Did you hear about the guy who made his wife a necklace out of crystal meth?

I hear it was pretty dope.

Whats the best way to reach your meth dealer?

Speed dial

A meth addict tried boxing for the first time yesterday.

He got hooked.

I think my parents might be meth heads.

The tooth fairy keeps taking my money and leaving behind teeth.

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

What is a meth-heads' favourite part of Halloween?

Only 2 more sleeps until Christmas!

How long can a meth high last?

The rest of your life.

i took the main courses in school, reading, writing, and meth...

....i hated my lab partner

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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My new meth cocaine combo called methaine hasn't been selling well.

I think it's because it smells like shit.

My friend asked me if I did meth.

I told him no , Adderall is more my speed.

Mike Tyson recently recovered from a meth overdose and was interviewed upon his exit from the hospital.

When asked about the full story, he responded with,

"I was really methed up at the time"

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.

A rabbit on a run through the forest.

So there's this rabbit running through the forest. After a few minutes he comes across a fox who's about to light up a joint. The rabbit kicks the joint from the fox's mouth, saying: "That's bad for your health, you're better off if you join me on my run!" So the fox says, "You're right!" and joins ...

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

What did Mike Tyson say about the drug problem in Michigan?

“This place is all methed up!”

My dog died. He exploded.

He was a mixed breed. Half golden lab, half meth lab.

The Canadian police kicked down my door to my meth lab

Thankfully i was able to escape while they were trying to fix my door.

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

What do you call a meth-addicted bear with a chainsaw?


What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth?

I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

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What do you call a nazi on meth?

A Powerkraut

Did you hear about the meth head horticulturalist?

She made a rock garden.

Wanna know my favorite thing about doing meth??

Only two more sleeps till christmas

Joys of Meth

What's the best part of being a Meth-head on Halloween?'s only 3 more sleeps till Christmas!

My boss told me we're starting drug testing next week..

I said no prob, but I ain't trying meth.

True story from Brimfield Ohio; Brimfield Police Department Conversations with a meth cook....

Suspect: "I didn't mean to make meth."

Chief: "You didn't mean to make it?"

Suspect: "No. I was just trying to make smoke."

Chief: {Dumb look}

Suspect: "I was trying to scare the Mexicans. They're superstitious."

Chief: "Okay....You were trying to scare someon...

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OC: By a hobo, to a hobo, about a hobo (a Melvin tale)

(This story was told to me by my friend Mondo, about our mutual friend Melvin. We're all hobos here, living on the streets in the affluent community of Roseville, California. If you're ever in the area and you see a frail old man carrying a massive green rucksack, give ol' Melvin a beer for me. He w...

I met two meth heads at a restaurant today.

They were speed dating

I don't take meth anymore, I have a future.

And you don't mix uppers with downers.

The pollen is so bad this year...

The drug dealers are trying to turn their meth back into Sudafed.

We were discussing last names when my friend David Meth said..

Every girl I’ve slept with has done Meth.

Why don't blondes smoke meth?

They don't know what ampheta means...

Stupid joke of the day

I hate doing meth. Always forget to carry the one.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?


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I think it's weird that county fairs are being cancelled.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a *good* idea, but... I just figured that anyone who isn't afraid to hop onto a 60-year-old rusty roller coaster, that gets disassembled and reassembled 22 times a year by a traveling meth head with an allen wrench, while eating a deep fried stick of butter, wouldn't...

I'm doin' meth

I just remembered the cubic subtrection formule

Why did the mobile meth lab overshoot the turn and fly off the cliff?

It was Braking Bad.

Why did the in visib hell man stop with meth school ?

Him can no count on fingers

I've lost 25% of my meth


What do drug-addicted chemists call meth?

A '1-carbon chain'

Most people have 32 teeth, I have 10 plus 15 minus 3 ...

trust me, I did the meth.

Some people have 32 teeth, while some people have only 6.

It's simple meth.

Tea makes everything great,even meth.

Cos without T,meth is just meh.

Overheard a tweaker proudly talking about his dog...

I couldn't hear him too well but it sounded like some kind of new mixed-breed dog he called a Meth Lab. I didn't get many details on the new mixed-breed but I did hear him say it could be dangerous. Oh, and it must be fast because its name was Shake 'n Bake. Everybody knows you don't sully the na...

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc... I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library.

Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

My allergies are acting up and...

The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

What did methane say on reacting with oxygen in presence of m2o3?

That's the wrong hole that's the wrong hole

Context: CH4 + O2 ( in presence of Mo2O3)-->hcho(meth-anal)

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

So this dentist in my area was arrested for being a drug dealer on the side, selling meth, heroine, etc.

I for one am shocked!

I didn't know he was a dentist!

I felt like doing some service today, so I decided to donate some video games to the Rehabilitation Center for Meth Addicts.

They seemed particularly fond of "Need for Speed".

I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.

Now my jaw’s all methed up.

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

When I was a kid, I saw Finding Nemo on Ice.

That was my first time doing meth.

What was the name of the meth cook who got caught stealing baked beans?


You know your town is going downhill when the most popular new pet is a...

Meth lab

Where do college going tweekers go to study at?

The meth club.

I was going to post this on another sub, but it seemed more appropriate here.

South Dakota is currently battling a Methamphetamine epidemic and they have a new slogan for their anti-meth campaign efforts.

“Meth....We are on it”!

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