My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.

I would never hear the end of it.

My son told me he’s going to work forever. But not for a salary, he won’t need to get paid when he’s older, but he’ll have so many good ideas that he’ll have to keep at it. Working all the time to crank out his inventions and art and literature and all that. So I ask him to share some ideas with me.

"I can’t share them with you, I haven’t started having them yet."

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A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

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Karma

Back in the mid-1960s, in an English country pub, a man is sat quietly enjoying a pint of Timothy Taylor Landlord (an excellent English ale). All of a sudden, a bunch of noisy yobs come into the pub and order lager. The mouthiest of the bunch walks across to the man and says, "Oi! You're sitting in ...

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

My family has passed down a hand crank...

...for generation...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

A state trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway

Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting

The trooper crank down his window and yelled to the driver “pull over”

“No!” yelled the woman “it’s a cardigan”

This guy was selling a TV for a dollar.

I walked up to him and said, “Wow! You’re selling that thing for just a dollar?!” He replied, “Yep.” “But why?” “The thing is, the volume is cranked all the way up, and there’s no way to make it quieter.” “That’s the only problem with the TV?” “Yep.” “And you’re selling it for 1 dollar?” “That is co...

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for p...

The Canadians get sent to hell

So the rapture happens and all the Canadians get sent to hell because they didn’t hold the door or say sorry enough and the devil sees them celebrating. Bothered by this he asks “you’rein hell why are you celebrating“ and the Canadians respond “it’s like minus thirty where we live this is awesome. A...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

City Man Visits the Farm

A farmer's sister and her husband come and visit from the city. After unpacking the husband asks the farmer what he is planning to do.

"Wait," the husband says let me guess, "You are going to jump in your tractor, program the GPS, turn on the AC, crank up the radio and cruise around all day....

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

The Bulgarian Train Conductor

Most kids want to become a firefighter or astronaut when they’re older. This man, however, really wanted to become a train conductor. Unfortunately, he gets the job and he loves it. But one particular day, he’s enjoying his job a little too much. He’s driving too fast and accidentally derails the tr...

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Preacher buys a mower

A little boy was participating in his family’s yard sell one day, and was selling an old push mower his dad no longer used.

A preacher was walking by and liked the price. He asked the little boy if it worked. He told him it did, and the preacher paid him and took the mower home.

When...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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A guy enters a Home Depot...

A guy enters a Home depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home.

The next week the same guy comes back t...

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude...

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

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Pop the hood

"now what?"

Crank it

"that didn’t work"

Bop it

"bop what?"

twist it

"WTF?!"

Pull it

"???"

**engine:** [starts]

"sonuvabitch!"

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

New mower!

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration,...

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One fine day in Ireland...

... a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodnes...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

The master of puns

All my life, I had loved puns. There was next to no situation that couldn't do with a good puns. My friends had a love/hate relationship with me sometimes, because I cranked them out, one after another.

Eventually, sick of them, but also slightly amused, one close friend suggest I enter compe...

A man rushes his pregnant wife into the delivery room

As the doctors are getting her ready to give birth, one of them informs the man that a machine that transfers some of the pain of birth from the mother to the father had been developed. They ask the man if he would want to take on some of the pain to make his wife's burden easier.

The man agr...

The Devil goes to check on his prisoners.

The devil is checking on all of hells prisoners. So he walks by the first cell, this cell has two Americans in it. "Please, please turn down the heat!" They cry as the devil laughs to himself "good, good." The devil then stops at the second cell, this cell holds two Canadians. These Canadians are lo...

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Guy gets pulled over for speeding.

A guy is driving down the road, and right after he crosses over a bridge, there is a state trooper parked behind some bushes. The guy gets pulled over.

"Do you know why I pulled you over?" says the Cop.

"Yeah, I was speeding." Says the guy, "But I have a good reason, I swear."

"...

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

The boys on Stranger Things must be fans of Spinal Tap

Considering they are all probably cranking it to Eleven

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Two old men were sitting at the park one day [NSFW]

One says to the other, "Oh, god, I'm so OLD! You won't even believe how old I am."

The other responds, "Oh, I think I can."

"You have no idea. I'm so old. You don't even know how old I am."

"Ok, stand up and I'll tell you how old you are."

First man stands up. Second man ...

Parking...

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up ...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead visit an old wishing well.

"What are you going to wish for?" the blonde asks the other two.

The brunette and the redhead ponder for a minute, rather ashamed that they didn't think of something beforehand. The redhead looks around for inspiration. When her gaze lingers on the well, she makes up her mind. She fishes a co...

So I was at the club

They played crank that, and I did the Superman.

They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle.

They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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60yr old women Florida visits her plastic surgeon and says we gotta do something with this face, it's getting a bit saggy ??

Doc examines her and says I've got the perfect solution to this, we're gonna instal a dial in the back of your head and every time you're feeling a little loose in the face give the dial a quick tighten. She agrees and is very pleased.

Two months later she returns and says doc I've cranked th...

Two Canadians Are in Hell

Two Canadians are in hell, wearing winter coats and seem pretty cheerful.

The devil says to them "Why are you wearing such heavy coats?"

They say "Oh, it's a nice day in Canada!"

So the devil cranks the heat up.

The Canadians are now in shorts, tee shirts and playing base...

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You all know any good masturbation jokes?

C'mon, I bet we can crank some out.

Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."

The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."

The man starts pulling the rope to mak...

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A man can't satisfy his wife in bed..

He only lasts about 5 seconds. So on the way to work one day, he stops by the doctor and tells him his problem. The doc tells him to jerk off before having sex and that should help him last longer. So the man leaves and goes to work. The wife calls him later that day at his desk and reminds him that...

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Dave comes back from his Italian holiday...

... and he's telling his friends about it in the pub.
"Whilst we were there, the Pope gave a speech at the Vatican." he says. "I went along."
"What did you go for?" one of his mates asks. "You're an atheist."
"I know... but it was just one of those 'once in a lifetime' things, you kno...

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Loose translation of a Polish joke. Wife says to husband ...

Wife says to husband:

- You never take me to a club! Lets go this weekend!
- Naaah.. bad idea.
- Please! You never take me with you!
- Whateva... ok...

They go to the club, the bouncer at the door says:

- Hi Jack!

Wife looks at husband ...

Just tasteless

A man gets the words "I LOVE YOU" tattooed on his crank.

His wife tells him "Quit putting words in my mouth!"

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A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

My car's been making this super annoying noise.

I have to keep cranking the radio all the way up to cover it up. My wife tries to help but every time she starts talking the annoying sound comes right back!

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

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David wanted a set of of twins very badly, so he asked his friend Mike for advice.

David asked him, "You have three sets of twins, three! Tell me, what is your secret!"


"I'll tell you," replied Mike, "but you gotta do exactly as I say."


David nodded his head fervently, "Okay, okay, tell me!"



"So, it's a four day process," Mike started, "The fi...

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Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on ...

I received a request to go and fix a broken handle on a window.

It turned out to be a crank call.

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A man was speeding down the road and didn't notice the cop parked behind a billboard...

Sure enough, the cop pulls out behind the man and turns on the lights and sirens. The man pulls over and rolls down his window as the police officer walks up to the man's car. "Is there a problem, officer?" the man says. "You must be in some kind of hurry as fast as you were driving," says the cop. ...

Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well b...

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